Tag Archive | relationship

How to Tell If Your Spouse is Cheating – 3 Tell-Tale Signs to Look For

May7

Blatant CheatingCheating happens in so many ways. When we first think about what cheating is we tend to think about spouses having sex outside of the relationship but it happens in many other ways as well. With this in mind be aware also that what is defined as cheating to one person might not be for someone else.

A recent magazine asked readers to define an extra-marital affair, with this result:

· 21% thinking about an involvement
· 21% dinner and drinks
· 24% kissing and petting
· 26% sexual intercourse
· 8% not sure

And some people even define it as chatting on the internet or phone messaging with people of the opposite sex or using porn without the partner’s consent or inclusion.

How do you define cheating? And how do you know if your spouse is doing it?

Here are three tell-tale signs to look out for:

  1. When your spouse suddenly takes extra special care in their dress or personal appearance or suddenly adopts a whole new style in clothing or hair.
  2. When your spouse suddenly starts staying back at work late into the night saying they are doing extra work.
  3. When your spouse spends longer hours on the computer and/or phone and doesn’t want you to ask questions about or see what s/he is doing.

NB Be mindful that there may be perfectly legitimate reasons for all of these behaviors so be careful jumping to conclusions.

And by the way cheating is not necessarily a death knell for the relationship.

There are many reasons people cheat. The most important one though is that something is not working in the relationship that really needs looking at. This does not necessarily mean that you do not love each other anymore. What it means is that someone in the relationship is just not getting some of there needs met. This might be sexually or in friendship or in satisfying a need for some excitement in their lives.

Here is the short answer to overcoming an affair.

If you have caught your partner out there is obviously some decisions to be made regarding whether you should abandon the relationship or whether you can both recover from this error. That will be decided by many things the most important of which is your capacity to forgive your partner, and maybe even yourself, for allowing the affair to happen.

If you are the one having the affair, by the way, it’s sometimes wiser to not tell but to recommit and make amends as best you can. While it is said that honesty must be at the base of all relationships there are some things that may be best left unsaid. On deciding you have made a mistake, the most important thing is to acknowledge that to yourself and to do whatever needs to be done to get this relationship back on track. If you then decide to tell your partner have a good reason for doing so which is not based on your need to free yourself of guilt.

If you are in a relationship where you think there might be cheating talk about it. This may not be best introduced with a question about whether the other person is actually having an affair, but from the perspective of sharing your thoughts and values on the topic so your partner has an opportunity to respond. In this way they are not left with any doubt as to what you think and feel about the possibility of s/he having an affair. It just may give him/her a chance to change their behavior without having to put your whole relationship on the line. Remember s/he may not have the same definition of cheating as you do.

I will address this in more detail in my next blog post.

 

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Friendship – The Foundation Stone For: ‘Till death do you part!’

Apr23
IMG_8328

 

There’s a scene at the end of the movie, ‘When Harry Met Sally’. You know the one I mean – the one that has all these old couples telling stories about how they met and fell in love and how after so many years they are still together.

These couples are so in synch with each other that they finish each others sentences. They each know the other so well, even down to what the other is going to say, so that without even talking over the top of each other you get the whole story as if it could have all come from one mouth.

This is my definition of true friendship and creates the foundation of every relationship that has lasted longer than the soft skin, the agile body and the great sex. The relationships that exist beyond sickness, beyond the bad times, and will only be severed by the death that will one day separate the couple from each other.

These relationships are ageless: they have stood the test of time. These couples have discovered something that so many of us still struggle with and that is that the love that comes from a true friendship survives all and any adversity that can be thrown at them.

How does this happen? I think there is something happening here that is maybe not present in many current relationships. This is the way these relationships began in the first place. I had a client come in some time ago, an older gentleman who lost his wife six months ago after forty years of marriage. He was grieving for her so badly he didn’t know what to do with himself. There was nothing he needed to understand or learn about this event. My role as his counselor was simply to give him a place to tell his story.

And what he told me was this: He described himself as a bit of a ‘lad’. He enjoyed the company of his mates and they spent Saturday nights out on the town drinking and partying. On occasion they would go to a dance and meet up with girls. This is how my client, let’s call him Peter, (not his real name) met the woman who would become his wife and long-time partner.

Peter was invited to a dance by his mates. There was a promise that there would be girls there and one of Peter’s mates even suggested that there was someone new to the group who Peter might fancy. This is when he first met Pip (not her real name) and instantly hit it off. The months that followed were spent going out with the group and getting to know each other more. ‘They Became Good Friends’. It was from this friendship then that their love grew. They married and made a life together.

Things are different now than they were then and I wonder when I meet people like Peter, and the loving way he speaks of Pip, and see couples like at the end of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ if there is something they knew back then that we might have lost sight of. And that might simply be that before they fell in love they first created a really great friendship.

I believe that friendship must be a precursor to a truly great relationship and become thereby the necessary foundation that will take the relationship into the future.

When I talk to couples now I ask them what they do for fun. These are the things that will create the opportunities for a friendship to flourish. Sometimes things become too serious as people get on with acquiring things in their lives instead of living their lives.

How about you – are you and your partner friends? To ascertain the answer ask yourself this question – Do I really like this person? If the answer is: ‘yes!’ then you probably have what it takes to go the long-term with him or her. If the answer is: ‘no’ then you probably need to rethink whether what you have with this person will be enough to keep you connected till ‘death do you part!’

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

So Now That We Are Married – Now What?

Apr16

Married CoupleThis week’s blog could have many titles and hopefully will address many of the questions I get on the topic of ‘…so now that we are married – now what?’

Some of the questions relate to: ‘Keeping Love Alive’, ‘Holding on to the Spark’ or maybe related to the question: ‘How do we Sustain a Marriage after 10, 20 or 30+ Years?’ Sometimes the questions are just about ‘What to do from Becoming Bored’

There is so much I could say about this topic I scarcely know where to begin. The reason you become bored in relationships is that you think there is nothing more to learn about the other person or you lose the want to find out if there’s something still worthwhile knowing. In short, you become bored because you most often just don’t want to be bothered anymore.

When you first meet someone, and you don’t know them well enough yet to see the negative qualities they possess, you just want to get as much of them as you can. You want to be with them 24/7 to feel the good feelings you get just by being near them. You want to know there most personal thoughts, about everything, in your quest to prove to yourself that they really are the right person for you and so much so that they become perfect in your eyes.

And then one day you think you’ve got them figured out! From here then it’s a short step to it becoming all too much trouble.

And by the way this goes both ways – they think they’ve got you figured as well. So as you stop talking to them, they stop talking to you and you get into a stage of relationship that I call ‘Assuming your way into oblivion’.

There’s an old adage that says to ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. From there it’s a downhill slide into second guessing and taking the others needs and wants for granted.

The funny thing about this is that you unconsciously encourage this by your own expectation that if your partner truly understood you then they would know what you are thinking and thereby what you are wanting and/or needing and would somehow then just magically do it.

But guess what you aren’t a mind reader, most of us aren’t anyway, and as well as you think you might know your partner you really have no idea. You have not had his or her life experiences for one thing, you don’t process your thoughts in the same way as he or she does and therefore you will naturally respond to things differently.

So to get back to the topic at hand – if you’re not a mind reader then neither are they. The way forward then is to keep talking, stay curious and always check out what’s new for the other person. Share your thoughts and feelings with them as well and never give up.

I have met with couples that have issues that keep coming up for them. They might even have a brief conversation about it and, for a moment at least, it seems that things might change. But guess what? The issues just keep coming back again and again. And this is why: The real core of the issues were never fully understood in the first place and just as often by the person holding the issue as well as by the other trying to grapple with it.

So if you don’t get it for yourself then what hope has your partner got of getting it and consequently what hope have you got as a couple to really find a satisfactory and long-term resolution?

The answer is none.

You need to be friend to your partner as well as a lover. Never assume that you really do know what they mean when they say ‘… you know.’ The truth is if they don’t, you can’t either. Friends are interested about each others thoughts and feelings. They ask meaningful questions and listen actively to the responses. This consists of more than an ‘I understand’ and may actually require a statement about what you think you are actually hearing so that the other can confirm, or restate or expand, so that you can really get down to the truth about what they are actually saying to you.

In this way you can never get bored as there’ll always be something to talk about. And it won’t matter that you have been married for 30, 40 or even 50 years as there will always be something more to learn about that person that you’ve never known before. And just maybe there will be something to also learn about yourself.

To get you started on this quest check out the page on my website titled ‘quizzes and questionnaires’ and look for: ‘My life in 34 Questions’. Answer the questions for yourself and for your partner before sharing your answers. You might find out something you never knew before.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

It is never OK to hurt another human being

Mar21

USMC-111022-M-BJ232-047I want to say right upfront that there is never an excuse for DV or any shame in being in a relationship where you are a victim of DV. You are not alone. The number of people exposed to DV is as much as 30% worldwide and it needs to stop.

I’ll say more about that in a moment. Firstly I think it might be helpful to define what DV is:

Domestic or Family Violence occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically harm the other partner. It is important to note that violence happens in many different forms within relationships. It can be perpetrated by a male or female partner however the vast majority of domestic violence is reported to be committed by men against women. Abuse happens to people from every age group, income and educational level and religious and cultural background.

You do not have to be physically hurt to be abused, nor is it ever too late to seek assistance. This means that Domestic Violence can be categorized into several forms.

Here is a list of the different types of Domestic Violence:

Physical Abuse includes direct harm against a person, their child, pet or property and includes hitting, slapping, punching, choking, pushing, being thrown against a wall, being hit with objects or injured by weapons.

Sexual Abuse is any type of forced or unwanted sexual behaviour between adults.

Similar to verbal abuse, Emotional or Psychological Abuse can leave a person feeling that the relationship problems are their fault. Someone who leaves their partner alone at home or caring for children while the partner goes off to have an affair or live their lives separately could be a victim of this kind of abuse.

Verbal Abuse is the use of critical or insulting language or continual put-downs, threats or criticisms.

Financial Abuse involves the unequal control of money in a relationship, by making a person dependent upon the perpetrator for money, taking a person’s money or threatening a person for money.

Social Abuse is when the victim is denied contact with friends or family who may be able to offer support. Some victims are also made to account for everything they do and everywhere they go.

And while there is no excuse for DV it can be useful to have an understanding of why it occurs. Hurting someone usually results from being angry, but anger is a secondary emotion. This means that the anger is usually just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what the real feelings are underneath the anger.

Often people react angrily when they feel embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, guilty, stupid, sad, fearful or incompetent. These feelings are primary emotions hidden under the surface which need to be identified if any change is going to happen.

Living in a domestically violent household is not easy. However for some leaving a domestically violent household can be even more difficult. So if you find yourself in such a situation go and seek help and if this cannot be with your partner at least take yourself. Sometimes you might be powerless to change your partner but you can change yourself.

And if you are the one who is responsible for Domestic Violence help is at hand. Take yourself to see a professional Counselor. They will not judge you. They really can help you.

Many people fear believing that they might be in a Domestic Violence relationship and some are not sure if what they are experiencing is in fact DV. If this sounds like you and you would like to find out if your relationship is an abusive one go to my website at www.acouplesjourney.com and click on the ‘quiz’s and questionnaire’s’ link and complete the assessment titled “Domestic Violence Assessment”. If the assessment indicates that you are at risk please make sure you seek professional help before taking any action.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

10 Secrets to Achieving Perfect Harmony In Your Marriage

Apr18

Sometimes it is the little things that maintain the peace in a relationship and sometimes it is the bigger decisions that can either harm or help the harmony in the household.

Being aware of your partner’s likes and dislikes is one way to achieve marital harmony. This awareness allows you to operate in a way that keeps your partner’s preferences in mind. If you know what your partner likes and doesn’t like you can take precautions to not engage in an activity that will hurt your partner. Additionally, your partner will respect your consideration of their feelings.

Sharing in the decision-making process is also critical to achieving marital harmony. This is important for a couple of reasons. Firstly it gives you the opportunity to work together to make the important decisions that will affect you both and secondly it helps to make you both feel involved in the process. Also, if one of you takes the responsibility of making decisions without consulting your partner it can lead to resentment especially if the decision turns out to be a bad one.

Another secret to achieving marital harmony is to ensure there’s a balance your career and home life. It is easy to get caught up in your job responsibilities and to begin to allow your job to take precedence over your relationship.

It’s important to realize that no job is more important than your relationship. There may be times that you need to work late or on weekends but try to keep these instances to a minimum. Also, strive to not bring your work home, either physically or mentally, and allow it to encroach on your marriage.

It’s OK to share information about your day and vent any problems you may have had for a little while but going on and on about your job is simply not helpful to anyone least of all you

While agreement is not always possible, it is important for you to realize that even during arguments it’s possible to maintain harmony.

Every marriage is bound to have its problems and disagreements but it’s important to not let that problem linger. When disagreements arise, try working out an amicable agreement but when this is not possible sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move on with your marriage.

Remember that each morning is a new day and strive to wake up having forgotten any arguments you may have had with your spouse on the previous day. If you made your best effort to resolve the problem and were unable to reach a resolution, set a time to come back to it when both of you are ready, or better still just let it go and start the new day out happy.

Agreeing on financial matters is also key to achieving marital harmony. Money is one of the biggest issues that create the arguments in a marriage; If both of you are aware of your current financial situation and are willing to work together to establish a budget and stick to it, you will avoid unnecessary disagreements.

Perhaps an important secret to achieving marital harmony that is often overlooked is knowing your partner and discussing major issues before getting married. For example if you have always wanted children, it’s best to find out your partners view on children before getting married. Differences of opinion in an area such as this can doom a marriage.

Keeping politics and other sensitive issues separate from who you are as a couple is also important to maintaining harmony. It’s inevitable that you will have opposing viewpoints on certain issues and debate your beliefs but allowing these issues to create a rift it your marriage is not OK. Two people can exist harmoniously in a marriage even with opposing viewpoints as long as they respect each other’s opinions.

Another way to achieve marital harmony is to allow each other some time to be alone. It’s important to spend time together and share interests but sometimes too much time together can become stifling. It’s important for each of you to have interests or hobbies that you participate in without your spouse. This time away from each other helps to maintain harmony by respecting your individuality and need to sometimes do things separately from each other.

Being respectful of your spouse is also very important to achieving marital harmony. Couples that treat themselves and each other with respect are able to maintain a sense of civility and accord even during disagreements. This feeling of respect will help you remain harmonious even in the most trying situations.

One last secret to achieving marital harmony is to share household chores. A couple that divides up the responsibilities in the household and strives to help each other out whenever possible will have an easy time maintaining harmony.

If you have to go as far as drawing up a list of chores and who is responsible for them, go ahead and do that. A written document illustrating who does what around the house will make it clear if one person is carrying too much of the load as well as clarifying exactly what needs to be done.

It is important to not confuse harmony with agreement. Couples do not have to agree on every issue in order to have a sense of marital harmony. There are many factors that contribute to whether or not a marriage is harmonious. Some factors may be bigger than others, but they are all equally important in achieving marital harmony.

Sex, Money & Children: How to Avoid Couples’ Greatest Battles

Apr3

Some of life’s greatest battles are over issues such as money, sex and children. While these are issues that elicit passionate responses and feelings, it is possible to deal with these issues without arguing. In fact not only can you avoid battles over these issues, but these issues can also enhance your relationship. Having realistic expectations about these issues can help you avoid or resolve any conflicts over these issues.

Sex can be a source of trouble in a relationship. Too much sex, not enough sex and sex that is too routine are common complaints in a relationship. Some of these battles may be avoided by scheduling sexual encounters on a regular basis. While it may sound unromantic to do this, the truth is that with work, children and other responsibilities sometimes there just isn’t time for sex unless it is scheduled ahead of time.

Scheduling will ensure that you both engage in physical contact every so often instead of letting this aspect of your relationship take a back seat to other obligations. Boring or routine sex is another common complaint in a relationship. You can keep things interesting by varying your routine every once in a while and trying new things.

You can also avoid problems related to sex in your relationship by discussing your likes and dislikes with your partner and encouraging your partner to be open with you about their likes and dislikes as well. Sex is a healthy and necessary part of a relationship but it can also be a source of conflict in the relationship.

So keep it interesting. Try new places and new ways to make love. And don’t always expect that just because you feel like your partner will also. Similarly don’t expect that every time you come to bed that an orgasm has to be the outcome. Sometimes it’s enough to lie together cuddling and stroking each other.

Money can also be a tremendous source of tension and disagreements in a relationship. Many couples struggle with financial matters and this perpetual struggle leads to tension in their relationship.

One way to alleviate the tensions associated with financial concerns is to make sure you both are involved in any financial decisions that need to be made especially in regards to large purchases. If both of you are aware of the amount of resources available to you and your monthly expenditures, you will both have a better understanding of where you stand financially.

Sharing in making these decisions will also ensure that each of you has the opportunity to voice your opinions or concerns and feelings as though you are working as a team with your partner.

Conversely, if one of you makes a large purchase without consulting your partner, the relationship may suffer. When a couple shares the financial responsibilities there is less likely to be problems that arise as a result of finances than there are when one of you takes sole responsibility for the finances. This could be for no other reason that if you are both aware of where you are financially and you both take responsibility for it then there are no surprises for either of you and consequently no place for blame if things go awry.

Children are a blessing in a relationship but they can also be a source of many battles in the relationship. The most important issue with children is whether or not you are both ready to have children. If only one of you wants to have children then introducing children into the relationship can be a recipe for disaster.

If you are not both committed to having and raising children then it is best to put off having children until you are both ready to be parents. If children are already a part of the relationship, they can still cause problems. Arguments over disciplinary strategies are very common. You may not agree on how to discipline your child and this disagreement can not only be detrimental to your relationship but can also be confusing for your child.

To avoid battles over children make sure you and your partner are committed to having children before attempting to conceive and discuss disciplinary strategies and come to an agreement that you will both abide by in dealing with the children.

Money, sex and children are the subjects that couples argue about most often. These volatile subjects can also be a source of great joy when managed correctly but until the couple learns how to do this, they will continue to be explosive issues. The keys to dealing with these issues without starting battles is to tread lightly and not force your opinions, discuss the issues before they arrive and try to make the best of the existing situations without constant complaints.

So until next time – Relate with Love

10 Ways To Recharge Your Romance

Mar29

Early in your relationship the romance factor is very high. The romance is seemingly effortless and it seems as though the romance will never fade. You may find, however, that over time the romance does fade and the relationship doesn’t seem as exciting as it did in the beginning. This is natural. As you become more familiar with each other you may make less of an effort in the romance. When this happens it is time to start making a conscious effort to recharge your romance.

  1. Recreating your first date can be one way to recharge your romance. Both of you probably put a tremendous amount of effort into your first date and it was probably an incredibly romantic night for both of you. Re-enacting this first date by not only returning to the place of that first date but also by putting the same effort into preparing for the date can help to recharge your romance by reminding you of how exciting your relationship was in the beginning.
  2. Leaving your work at the office is another way to recharge your romance. If you are constantly allowing your work life to interfere with your romantic life it is time to put your romance ahead of your career. While it is okay to talk to your partner about work and how your day went, obsessing over it can put out the fire in your romance very quickly.
  3. Giving your partner flowers or small gifts for no reason can also recharge your romance. This lets them know that you still think about them when the two of you are apart and that your love for them is always on your mind. The gifts don’t have to be expensive or extravagant but if they truly come from the heart they will help to recharge your romance.
  4. Another way to recharge your romance is to be spontaneous. Romance often fades when a relationship becomes routine and you begin to take each other for granted. Spicing things up by suggesting new activities on a whim can reintroduce the romance in your relationship. Too much planning and debate about what to do or where to go however can put a damper on the activity or trip before it even takes place. Excessive planning can make something seem dull while spontaneity has the opposite effect of making the activity seem more exciting. So maybe just hop into your car one weekend and just let the day take you somewhere.
  5. Spending time apart can also recharge a romance. It may sound counterproductive but having your own activities and interests keeps you from becoming bored with your partner. Spending time together is very important but spending time apart is equally important because this time apart gives you the chance to grow as an individual which in turn can enhance your relationship.
  6. Quality time together, just like time apart, can also help to recharge your romance. You need alone time as a couple to reconnect and nurture your romance. A night out on the town for just the two of you or a quiet night alone at home can be equally effective for recharging your romance. Without this time together a couple will not have the opportunity to express themselves to their partner in a romantic way.
  7. Incessant arguing can destroy the romance in a relationship. If you find that you and your partner are arguing constantly or over every little thing, it’s time to really assess the relationship and figure out why you are arguing so much. Believe it or not, you may find that this arguing is a subconscious attempt to try to recharge your romance.  Arguing invokes passion and you may be trying to bring that passion back into your relationship. Once you realize that there are other ways to recharge a romance your arguing will subside.
  8. Making a concerted effort to impress your partner can also recharge the romance in your relationship. As a relationship progresses there is often a sense of familiarity and comfort that emerges and results in you feeling as if you no longer need to try to impress your partner. You may begin to let your appearance go or stop going out of your way to please your partner. Reversing this by returning to your old ways of trying to impress your partner can go a long way in recharging romance in a relationship.
  9. Taking a trip together can also have the effect of recharging your romance. While planning a trip may be stressful most people relax and enjoy themselves once they reach their destination. Planning a trip with your partner will give each of you the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company without the worries and hassles of everyday life.
  10. Turning off the computer for a few days can be a really simple way to recharge your romance. Many couples use their computers often to check email, search the Internet or chat with others and this time spent on the computer can really add up and begin to take time away from your partner. Time can fly when you are computing and you may find that you have wasted an entire night on your computer. You may find that if you turn the computer off for a few days, you have a lot more time to spend with your partner and the romance may naturally return to your relationship.

It is natural for romance to begin to fade if you begin to take each other for granted and stop trying to impress.  Romance doesn’t exist on its own it needs to be nurtured in order to survive. Recharging your romance may seem like a daunting task but it really isn’t. Try it and see what it can do for your relationship.

So until next time – Relate with Love

10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Jan31

Having a happy marriage doesn’t necessarily come easily just because you love each other.  While love is very important in a marriage sometimes it just isn’t enough and you have to work at your marriage just like any other relationship.

Marriage is a multi-faceted relationship that needs to be nurtured in all of its capacities in order to be successful.  Even the more mundane tasks such as household chores and paying the bills can factor into the well-being of your marriage.

1. Both of you in the marriage must be prepared to put your partner’s happiness ahead of your own from time to time for the marriage to truly work.  Sometimes this requires being willing to make sacrifices for each other for the good of the marriage. If either of you is completely self-centred and unwilling to make sacrifices it will likely create resentment in the marriage.

At times the sacrifices may be big but most often it’s the smaller things that matter most.  Even preparing a dish that you don’t like but that you know your spouse likes lets your partner know that you care and are willing to put their happiness first at times.

2. While making sacrifices is important in a happy marriage, it is also important to sometimes do things that are just for you.  It’s great to have a lot of common interests but it’s also essential to have some things that you enjoy doing on your own.

Having some separate activities gives you a little time away from your partner once in a while and gives you a chance to realize how much you miss them when you are apart.  It also gives you an opportunity to explore things on your own and prevents boredom in the relationship.

3. Another secret to a happy marriage is to maintain an intimate and affectionate relationship.  Sharing physical closeness will keep your marriage happy.  Even small gestures such as hugs or holding hands give you the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse on a daily basis.

4. Finances can cause a great deal of stress in a marriage so it is important to do your best to ensure that you do not allow your financial situation to come between you.

When financial concerns arise it is important to discuss the problems so that both of you are aware of what is going on and to work on establishing a budget together.  Working together on this issue will make sure that neither of you feels left out of the decision making process and neither of you bears the stress of worrying about finances on your own.

5. Sharing household chores is another secret to a happy marriage.  If either of you feels as though you are taking on too much responsibility in the household it can lead to resentment.

Not only does sharing these responsibilities prevent resentment but it also gives you an opportunity to work as a team which strengthens your bond.  Both of you need to take an active role in completing household chores and letting your partner know if you are beginning to feel overburdened so some new decisions can be made.

6. It’s also important that you let your partner know if they have said or done something to hurt you.  Failure to do so will allow the problem to continue which may in turn cause further problems.

If you bottle up your feelings your partner will be unaware of what they have done and may be likely to repeat their actions.  You also may begin to avoid your partner because you are angry and you don’t want to start a confrontation.  Your partner in turn may sense you behaving differently and be annoyed by your behaviour.

7. Understanding that you and your partner won’t always be in complete agreement is also critical to a happy marriage.  While you may agree on a lot of things it’s unrealistic to believe that you and your partner will be in sync at all times.  It’s okay to disagree sometimes as long as you respect each other’s feelings and beliefs and do not think that any one disagreement will be the end of the relationship.

8. Spontaneity is also an important part of a happy marriage.  Allowing yourselves to fall into a predictable pattern can lead to boredom but being spontaneous at times will prevent boredom from setting in and keep the relationship interesting.

9. Maybe most important of all the skills in marriage is open communication. Without communication the relationship will continually struggle.

It’s important to be honest with your partner and share your concern and to listen to what your partner has to say while making an effort to understand their point of view before responding.

Communicating about problems and concerns is important but it’s also important to communicate about your daily lives and even your aspirations for your personal future.

10. Finally, remembering why you married your partner is one of the most important secrets of a happy marriage.  Always keep in mind what it is about your partner that drew you to them in the first place will make certain that you never forget your love for your partner.  It will also ensure that they are always beautiful in your eyes.

Many things may change throughout the course of your marriage but the one thing that will always remain is the reason you fell in love in the first place.
A happy marriage is not guaranteed no matter how much you each love each other.  There are so many variables that can have an effect on the happiness and success of the marriage.  However it is important that both of you realize that you must continuously work on all of these aspects if you want your marriage to remain a happy and healthy one.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Do You Really Know Who Your Partner Is?

Jan9

How often have you gotten to a place in your life with someone you think you know, as well as anyone can, just to find that they continue to surprise you? The surprise might be a pleasant one such as learning about something really amazing they have done in their lives that you had no idea about. Or the surprise might lead to a disappointment in a behavior that you didn’t know they were capable of.

What does this mean? The truth is that you can spend a whole lifetime with a person and not really know who they are. As is the whole planet we live on, we are constantly changing and adapting to our environment.

You are, today, simply a product of all your life’s experiences and your responses to them. How you think, feel and behave is a consequence of all that has happened to you before this time. And how you will be tomorrow will be a product of all that has happened in the past in addition to what you experience today and the decisions you make about you and others as a consequence of that experience.

I spoke with a client today, let’s call her Susan, (not her real name) who met a serviceman a few months ago. Both of them have been busy with their lives and so have not spent a lot of time together before he was ordered back into service. He was not told of his mission before leaving and therefore was not able to let Susan know where he was going to be or when he would be back.

Five weeks have now passed without any communication and Susan is wondering where he is. Has he gone into a war-zone where he is unable to communicate with her, or worse still has he come to some foul play, or is he deliberately avoiding her.

Her confusion about this stems simply from her not really knowing him well enough to know what might be the truth. As I said to her; every couple needs exclusive time to get to know each other at the beginning of a relationship otherwise insecurities will naturally creep in.

In my book, “Relationships – A Couples Journey”, which you will find in my bookshop situated at www.myonlineproductshop.com  I speak further about the stages of relationships and what defines each of these stages in the normal progression of a relationship.

Now, while I have said that we are constantly changing and this should require us to be constantly open to rediscovering who our partners are, there is also value in finding out where our partners have come from; their early life experiences as well as the experiences of their siblings and parents for all these will help you determine what might be the core values of this person particularly in reference to you as a couple.

So what might be some of the things that might be valuable for you to learn about your partner? The questions are actually endless and could be about how they acquired their name, their family history, their favorite things, how their parents resolve conflicts, how they resolve conflicts, what their relationship was like with their siblings growing up and what their hopes are for their future.

Don’t ever stop being curious about who your partner is today and learning about who he or she might become tomorrow. That is what makes relationships really fascinating.

 So until next time – Relate with Love