Tag Archive | Romance

Relationships – The Five Keys to Making Yours Super Successful

Jul27

Relationships – The Five Keys to Making Yours Super Successful

Relationships – The Five Keys to Making Yours Super Successful

Once upon a time there was a young girl who, full of dreams and wide-eyed, left her home town by the coast and followed her knight in shining armor to the city. Their wedding was a spectacular affair, befitting a princess and her prince and they came to live in a castle overlooking the sea.

Years passed, and it seemed that they had everything they could want, a lavish lifestyle, with all the trappings of a young family of standing in their community, and four beautiful children to share it with.

But fourteen years later, the young girl, now grown and much wiser, looked for more from her relationship than it seemed her husband was able to give her. So she ended the relationship and created a life as a single mum raising her children on her own until, with a very new understanding of relationships, she did meet her true knight in shining armor, a relationship that has now been enduring for twenty years and from which this woman, now much older, has drawn so much that she passes her learnings on happily to all those who come into her life.

She no longer sees herself as a princess but as a woman, and now a real woman.” And as all good fairy tales should end: She lived happily ever after.

This is actually my story, but it could be anyone’s. And what I have learned, that I now understand to be the keys to a successful relationship, is not so extraordinary that they are unachievable.

In fact, these keys are common to every one of us. If, in your relationships, these keys can be satisfied, then you will be truly able to live the ‘fairytale’, that so many only ever dream of, and get to ‘happily ever after’.

All of these keys refer to a need within us. If the needs are met then the door will be opened to a truly enduring relationship.

So here are the five basic needs:

  • Emotional needs
    Emotional needs include things like the need to feel, and to be told that you are loved and cherished just for whom you are … that you are a priority in someone’s life and that you are accepted flaws and all.
  • Physical needs
    Physical needs comprise the need to be touched and to be able to touch another. It also includes being, hugged, kissed and feeling loved and to have a rewarding sexual connection with another.
  • Spiritual needs
    Spiritual needs consist of the belief that your spiritual journey is supported by your partner, or by someone else significant to you, without judgment as well as a need to know, and feel, that your individual beliefs and differences are respected, if not shared.
  • Social needs
    Social needs have to do with all of the things that bring other people into your lives together with a shared enjoyment of that.
  • Security needs
    Security needs is about knowing that someone and maybe especially your partner will always be there for you, in good times as well as in times of distress, and that person will always be a “soft place” on which to fall when you need someone the most.

If we recognize these needs in ourselves, as well as in others, and accept our right to have these needs fulfilled, then we can all have the opportunity of creating and having a truly magical relationship.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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If You Were Someone Else, Would You Marry You?

Apr6

If You Were Someone Else, Would You Marry You?

I started this article by considering a question sent to me by a client, and echoed by many others, who wanted to know what was reasonable to expect from a partner in marriage. As I was scouring other emails to see what related questions there were on this topic I came upon this pearl I just had to use it as it summed up so beautifully exactly my thoughts on the topic of expectations.

The email started with the line that is the title of this week’s article and then went on to say: “Worry less and be happy. Because the happier you are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you are to your partner. .. Start today to work on being the kind of person you would want to know, date, and marry. If you’re not that kind of person, how can you expect your spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?” I absolutely agree with these sentiments.

What can I expect from marriage?

The way to live this is simple: remember when you first met and what it was that attracted you to your partner in the first place. It might have been their smile, their easy laugh, their care and consideration of you or their willingness to listen to you ad nauseam.

Now contemplate how you responded to that.

Your response would naturally have been happiness, in being paid so much consideration, and joy at being the centre of someone else’s attention pulling you even closer to each other.

While we all start our relationships this way the sad thing is that somewhere along the way we returned to our selfish habits and forgot what it was we did at the beginning that endeared us so compellingly to the other.

So the way back to that special place is, as my client suggested, by being the best and the happiest you can be and behave in the way that you did when you first met every day of your life. In addition expect no less than that from your partner.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

A famous Couples Counsellor by the name of John Gottman speaks of four distinct ways of interacting that doom your marriage to failure. These are the absolute contradiction of how you should relate to your partner and expect your partner to relate to you.

  1. The First Horseman – Criticism – this involves attacking with blame someone’s personality or character, rather than a specific behaviour. If there is something you don’t like about what your partner is doing let them know what that is and what you would rather they do instead.
  2. The Second Horseman – Contempt – this has a conscious or subconscious intent of insulting or belittling your partner with words or actions. Just remember your partner has all the faults and failings of all human beings, yourself included, and deserves to be treated with the respect that everyone deserves.
  3. The Third Horseman – Defensiveness – This has to do with denying responsibility or making excuses or whinging and whining when things don’t go your way. Stand up and be willing to accept your part in any misunderstanding that comes up between you and do what you need to do to repair the damage done.
  4. The Fourth Horseman – Stonewalling – This happens when you refuse to respond to your partner or even to get into a conversation to find a resolution to an issue. Of course there are going to be times when it’s not good for you to respond because of high emotions. If this happens simply let your partner know that now is not a good time to have this conversation with a promise to return and/or even a time to make that happen.

So be yourself the person you would want to marry each and every day. There really is no greater joy as, in being that, so can your partner be.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Have You a Question About Dating That You Really Want Answered?

Feb11

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend this free seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

Have You a Question About Dating That You Really Want Answered?

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Ask the Relationship Guru

Jan26

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

 

Ask the Relationship Guru

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Your Biggest Relationship Questions Answered

Jun25

Your Biggest Relationship Questions Answered: a special 1 hour Q&A Webinar with

Your Biggest Relationship Questions Answered with Lidy Seysener and Frank Fava Your Biggest Relationship Questions Answered with Lidy Seysener and Frank Fava

Lidy Seysener

Frank Fava

Hi

A Colleague of mine Frank Fava and I are going to be presenting a webinar together next week so this is an invitation to join us and hear the two of us answer all your relationship questions, or as many as we can fit into an hour.

The topic for the event is “The Biggest Questions You Have About Relationships”.

For those who don’t know what a Webinar (Web-based Seminar) is it is an event that happens online where you will hear, in this one at least, Frank and I answering questions on what it means to be in a relationship in 2015. It is also an event where you can post (ie write down) questions as we go for us to answer.

This is the first time we’ve done this kind of event so I’m going to be learning as well.

The place to register your interest in this webinar is:

http://relationshipsrevealed.com.au/qa/

There you will find this introduction:

Introducing Lidy Seysener of Northern Beaches Counselling.
I have the privilege of having Lidy as a guest speaker and expert on a special 1 hour Q&A Webinar.
Change yourself and you change your relationship.
We’re going to be answering your biggest questions on being your best self in relationships and getting “Relationship Prepared”.
If you can’t join us LIVE: Register anyway, and I will send you the Recording of the session the following day.
See you there!
Frank Fava
Relationships Revealed

So just click on the link and RSVP directly there and I’ll look forward to answering your biggest questions about relationships then.

If you have any questions about this webinar feel free to reply and I’ll try to answer them.

Regards

Lidy

The Love Drug

Feb10

Lucy & Dic-1

We all know when we are “in love” that our common sense seems to fail us as all we think about is the subject of our love and the delight there will be next time we meet. Even just thinking about them can result in that flurry in our stomachs as if they were with us in real life.

Why does this happen?

Well it can all be blamed on a little hormone that is produced in the pituitary gland called oxytocin. Sometimes oxytocin is referred to as the “love hormone” because it is when we are “in love” that oxytocin is most rapidly produced. It is also the hormone present in the body that marks the commencement of labour in a pregnant mother as well as being the active hormone that triggers the commencement of the flow of milk in the breastfeeding mum.

It is such a powerful hormone that for many mothers who are breastfeeding the experience can be akin to an orgasm and for some actually produces a real orgasm.

But back to the topic: It is when we are contemplating making love, or are actually making love, and are about to orgasm that we experience the full force of the delivery of oxytocin into our systems. And because it creates such a wonderful feeling in our bodies, as well as in our minds, the desire for oxytocin can become addictive.

So here’s how so often the story goes. You meet someone; you feel an attraction and want to spend time with that person. As you become more and more aroused oxytocin is released into your body and your want to be sexual with that person increases until it finds release some way.

Then as time goes by, and you are now in a full-time relationship, the attraction begins to wane somewhat as once a conquest has been made it no longer holds quite the same desirability. This is simply because it is no longer new and exciting as it was in the beginning.

This is especially so when you have known each other for some time and your availability to each other is no longer constrained. You are now able to spend more and more time together which also takes away the emergency of being sexual whenever you are given an opportunity.

So for those with an oxytocin addiction it may be that this relationship can no longer hold your interest and rather than going on to discover what else this relationship has for you the temptation is to let this go and find another person to fall in love with. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that this relationship wasn’t right for you anyway as you continue to seek your one and only “soul mate”.

And now even more than in past decades this seems to be happening. And not just in western countries and cultures but it many Asian and Middle Eastern Countries as well.

Maybe it is that we are all seeking a quick thrill as we want more and more “buzz” from our lives and once we’ve achieved that we want to move on to the next new and exciting thing there is to experience.

So what is there to learn from this?

Maybe it is as simple as this. That when the oxytocin production settles down and you find yourself facing “forever” then it’s time to look a little deeper for what might sustain the relationship for the long haul. Simply put that is real love not a selfishly sought after high for the moment but something that is based on a deep-seated care and commitment of one to another.

This is certainly not to say that there is now no room for romance and great sex. What this does mean is that you need to focus on creating the opportunities for great sex while ensuring you add lots of romance to your relationship.

Don’t be lazy and don’t be content with just making do as you get busy with life. Keep the fun alive, flirt with each other; make time for play and to explore your sexuality to ensure that the oxytocin keeps flowing.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Why Women Cheat?

Nov25

Recently I was surprised to hear news of increasing number of websites promoting affairs. So it maybe a bit of a surprise to hear that men are not the only ones who cheat on their partners.  It is becoming more and more common for women to be guilty of cheating.

And while years ago a woman cheating on her spouse was unheard of more recently the number of women who enter into affairs and cheat on their spouse is growing exponentially.

However while women may be cheating as often as men, the reasons why women cheat are very different to the reasons why men cheat.

Men Cheat for Physical Reasons and Women for Emotional Reasons

Research is showing us that the principle difference between men and women cheating are that men often cheat for physical reasons while women often have emotional reasons for cheating on their partner.

The reasons why women cheat include loneliness, revenge, and boredom or as an attempt to raise their self-esteem.

A partner who becomes excessively involved with his work or some pastime may no longer make time to spend with his partner. This often results in the woman feeling as if she is all alone. So if a woman is not receiving the attention she feels she deserves in a relationship, she may be tempted to seek that attention elsewhere and become involved in an affair.

Loneliness has amazingly become one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs and cheat on their partner. Although it sounds contradictory that they should feel lonely while being in a relationship, it is because that relationship has simply become emotionally unfulfilling.

Revenge has also become a growing factor in why women cheat. The modern woman is no longer willing to sit back and accept the fact that their partner may cheat on them. If a woman confirms or even just holds a suspicion that her partner is cheating on her, she may be driven to engage in an affair of her own as an act of revenge.

An Eye for an Eye

They may be extremely hurt by their partner’s actions and seek a way to hurt them in the same way.

Boredom may also factor into why women cheat. Their current relationship may have fallen into a rut and lost the excitement that it possessed in the early stages of its existence. They may feel that their relationship has become dull and predictable so rather than trying to bring excitement into their current relationship they may pursue affairs in the hopes of rediscovering the excitement they felt when they first became involved with their partner.

While an affair may bring about a temporary solution of making the woman feel excited about love again it may ultimately destroy both their current relationship as well as their cheating relationship.

An affair is exciting not only because it involves a relationship with a new person but also because it involves sneaking around and ultimately getting away with doing something wrong.

To many women this is very exciting and they are willing to risk losing their relationship over the affair.

Another reason why women cheat is a lack of self-esteem. Women may feel that they are not getting an adequate amount of attention from their partner and they may be tempted to cheat to confirm that they are still attractive and desirable.

Being found desirable by another compensates for the lack of appreciation they feel from their partner which helps to boost their self-esteem. While women with a healthy self-esteem are more likely to remain happy in a relationship, and do what needs to be done to find it, those who lack self-esteem may be more driven to cheat on their partners.

So if you are finding yourself lonely, bored or feeling like your self-esteem is failing you think twice before embarking on an affair. Maybe there is a better way out. This might be to seek some counselling and then to find a way to confront your partner about what it is you’re experiencing.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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10 Ways To Recharge Your Romance

Mar29

Early in your relationship the romance factor is very high. The romance is seemingly effortless and it seems as though the romance will never fade. You may find, however, that over time the romance does fade and the relationship doesn’t seem as exciting as it did in the beginning. This is natural. As you become more familiar with each other you may make less of an effort in the romance. When this happens it is time to start making a conscious effort to recharge your romance.

  1. Recreating your first date can be one way to recharge your romance. Both of you probably put a tremendous amount of effort into your first date and it was probably an incredibly romantic night for both of you. Re-enacting this first date by not only returning to the place of that first date but also by putting the same effort into preparing for the date can help to recharge your romance by reminding you of how exciting your relationship was in the beginning.
  2. Leaving your work at the office is another way to recharge your romance. If you are constantly allowing your work life to interfere with your romantic life it is time to put your romance ahead of your career. While it is okay to talk to your partner about work and how your day went, obsessing over it can put out the fire in your romance very quickly.
  3. Giving your partner flowers or small gifts for no reason can also recharge your romance. This lets them know that you still think about them when the two of you are apart and that your love for them is always on your mind. The gifts don’t have to be expensive or extravagant but if they truly come from the heart they will help to recharge your romance.
  4. Another way to recharge your romance is to be spontaneous. Romance often fades when a relationship becomes routine and you begin to take each other for granted. Spicing things up by suggesting new activities on a whim can reintroduce the romance in your relationship. Too much planning and debate about what to do or where to go however can put a damper on the activity or trip before it even takes place. Excessive planning can make something seem dull while spontaneity has the opposite effect of making the activity seem more exciting. So maybe just hop into your car one weekend and just let the day take you somewhere.
  5. Spending time apart can also recharge a romance. It may sound counterproductive but having your own activities and interests keeps you from becoming bored with your partner. Spending time together is very important but spending time apart is equally important because this time apart gives you the chance to grow as an individual which in turn can enhance your relationship.
  6. Quality time together, just like time apart, can also help to recharge your romance. You need alone time as a couple to reconnect and nurture your romance. A night out on the town for just the two of you or a quiet night alone at home can be equally effective for recharging your romance. Without this time together a couple will not have the opportunity to express themselves to their partner in a romantic way.
  7. Incessant arguing can destroy the romance in a relationship. If you find that you and your partner are arguing constantly or over every little thing, it’s time to really assess the relationship and figure out why you are arguing so much. Believe it or not, you may find that this arguing is a subconscious attempt to try to recharge your romance.  Arguing invokes passion and you may be trying to bring that passion back into your relationship. Once you realize that there are other ways to recharge a romance your arguing will subside.
  8. Making a concerted effort to impress your partner can also recharge the romance in your relationship. As a relationship progresses there is often a sense of familiarity and comfort that emerges and results in you feeling as if you no longer need to try to impress your partner. You may begin to let your appearance go or stop going out of your way to please your partner. Reversing this by returning to your old ways of trying to impress your partner can go a long way in recharging romance in a relationship.
  9. Taking a trip together can also have the effect of recharging your romance. While planning a trip may be stressful most people relax and enjoy themselves once they reach their destination. Planning a trip with your partner will give each of you the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company without the worries and hassles of everyday life.
  10. Turning off the computer for a few days can be a really simple way to recharge your romance. Many couples use their computers often to check email, search the Internet or chat with others and this time spent on the computer can really add up and begin to take time away from your partner. Time can fly when you are computing and you may find that you have wasted an entire night on your computer. You may find that if you turn the computer off for a few days, you have a lot more time to spend with your partner and the romance may naturally return to your relationship.

It is natural for romance to begin to fade if you begin to take each other for granted and stop trying to impress.  Romance doesn’t exist on its own it needs to be nurtured in order to survive. Recharging your romance may seem like a daunting task but it really isn’t. Try it and see what it can do for your relationship.

So until next time – Relate with Love

10 Ways To Reawaken The Passion In Your Relationship

Jan16

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion you may need to make a conscious effort to re-ignite the spark in your relationship and reawaken the passion.  Sometimes it may take elaborate plans and gestures to reawaken the passion in your relationship and sometimes it may just be small seemingly insignificant things that can help you.

  1. Planning a romantic weekend getaway can be one way to reawaken the passion.  A trip to a spa or a romantic destination can help to put the fire back into your relationship.  This type of trip gives a couple the opportunity to step away from your everyday life and spend some time focusing on romance.
  2. Treating your partner with respect can also be a simple way to reawaken passion.  Sometimes people get into the habit of taking your partner for granted while you continue to treat complete strangers and casual acquaintances with respect.  People tend to work harder on casual relationship than they do on their romantic relationship because they take their partner for granted.  Making an effort to impress your partner, however, can help to revive the passion.
  3. Doing something new and adventurous can also help to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  Try an activity that you have never done before such as skydiving or water skiing.  Participating in an adventurous sport can make you feel more alive and this will transcend into your relationship and may also be a great way to reawaken the passion.
  4. Holding hands is another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  This simple act draws you and your partner closer together.  Most couples hold hands all the time early in their relationship but as time goes by they begin to do so less and less often.  Grabbing your partners hand and holding on while you run errands can make your partner feel desired again and this will help put the passion back in your relationship.
  5. Another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship is to plan date nights.  Spend some time getting dressed up and plan a night out on the town.  Putting this level of effort into a dinner date makes it feel much more special and romantic plus it gives you a chance to let your partner know that you are still interested in spending time with them. No matter how busy your week is, plan to have at least one night a week where the two of you connect in a special way.  Even if it’s just some quiet time at home after the kids go to bed or even a family game night with the kids, it will give you time to bond.
  6. Taking care in your own appearance is still another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  If you feel good about yourself, you will be more appealing to your partner.  Spend a few extra minutes getting ready to go out and really pamper yourself.  This will give you a confidence boost that can help bring the passion back to your relationship.
  7. Complimenting your partner can also help to reawaken passion.  Noticing when your partner puts extra effort into their appearance lets them know that you still find them desirable and attractive.  Even complimenting them when they aren’t all dressed up, lets them know that you love them for who they are and not just their appearance.
  8. Even just planning trips that you would like to take in the future can reawaken passion.  Spend an afternoon thinking of trips you would like to take together and make a list of all the places you want to go and all the things you want to do.  This type of daydreaming draws a couple closer together and can revive passion. And who knows; just by writing out your wish list of places to go and things to do just might get you one step closer to making it real.
  9. Spending some quiet time together daily can be another way to reawaken passion.  Plan on having at least a few minutes alone with your partner each day to help put the spark back into your relationship.
  10. Taking a bath together can also help to reawaken passion in a relationship.  This is a very sensual activity that makes you both feel pampered and gives you the opportunity to reconnect on a physical level.  Beyond that it can also give you a chance to relax and unwind after a hard day of work as sometimes it’s the stresses of everyday life that are putting a damper on passion.

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion it doesn’t mean the relationship is over.  All of these examples are simple ways that a couple can reawaken the passion in their relationship.  As long as the love still exists, it is possible to bring back the passion.

So until next time – Relate with Love