Tag Archive | Decision making

He says he wants me but will not commit

Oct17

Committed RelationshipTo know in your mind, and feel in your heart, that you are in a committed relationship and that whatever happens, your partner will still be there for you, brings a sense of security to those in the relationship that love alone cannot provide.

One thing I often ask a couple when beginning work with them is whether they are committed to each other as well as to the relationship. The answer to this question is even more important than the answer to the question – “Do you love your partner?” as the two may actually not be mutually inclusive.

Let me explain this a little more. You might believe that you love your boyfriend or girlfriend with no interest in making it a long-term relationship. You may equally feel committed to the relationship without really being in love: Love may be more a feeling that comes from the heart while commitment maybe more a thought that comes from the mind.

So, what if your boyfriend or girlfriend says that he or she wants to be with you but will not commit? For many this raises the question – “DOES HE REALLY LOVE ME?” The answer may be “yes!” he does love you but for whatever reason cannot commit to you.

So what does this really mean?

Commitment may encompass love but it’s really a whole lot more. It is the unconditional giving of all of oneself to the welfare of the other and to the relationship above all else. It requires an absolute acceptance of an obligation to and a responsibility for another human being and to the connection between you.

For some contemplating doing this is way scarier even than just saying “I love you!”

Commitment refers to the “honor” part of the marriage vows that state that you will each “love and honor each other all the days of your life”. For some this is just too big a thing to ask.

If you ever face such a situation, you need to consider a few things before deciding whether to continue with him or her. If you are truly serious about him or her, then he or she should also be equally serious about you and if he or she is not, I would suggest you think very carefully about continuing the relationship.

To help you decide think firstly about what may be the possible reasons that he or she is not committing.

Sometimes the hesitation is because of some earlier life experience either as they observed their own parents or other family members where there has been heartache and pain. Maybe the reason they cannot commit is that they love someone else and they are just having fun with you or more specifically you are just a “TIME PASS”.

Alternatively they just might not be sure what they want, or they want everything. The sad thing is that generally such people end up with nothing.

So what do you do about it?

If you hear from your partner that he loves you and is committed to you but you don’t feel it clearly in your heart and mind there are three possible directions you can take:

Firstly take a closer look at yourself to see if you are the one fearful of really giving yourself to this relationship.

Also take a close look at him or her and in conversation express your concerns openly and honestly. Ask questions about their earlier life experiences and about their beliefs about relationship to assess whether the issue may be from somewhere in their past.

If you still don’t feel you are getting a convincing answer then consider carefully whether it’s time to move on, for the truth is that there are some out there to whom you will give and give and from whom, for all you give them, will simply not be able to match it in return.

This might sound harsh but sometimes the kindest thing to do for you and/or for another is to let it go. There’s an old adage that says something to the effect of: if you truly love something let it go, if it flies away it’s not yours to have if it comes back it will be yours forever.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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10 Secrets to Achieving Perfect Harmony In Your Marriage

Apr18

Sometimes it is the little things that maintain the peace in a relationship and sometimes it is the bigger decisions that can either harm or help the harmony in the household.

Being aware of your partner’s likes and dislikes is one way to achieve marital harmony. This awareness allows you to operate in a way that keeps your partner’s preferences in mind. If you know what your partner likes and doesn’t like you can take precautions to not engage in an activity that will hurt your partner. Additionally, your partner will respect your consideration of their feelings.

Sharing in the decision-making process is also critical to achieving marital harmony. This is important for a couple of reasons. Firstly it gives you the opportunity to work together to make the important decisions that will affect you both and secondly it helps to make you both feel involved in the process. Also, if one of you takes the responsibility of making decisions without consulting your partner it can lead to resentment especially if the decision turns out to be a bad one.

Another secret to achieving marital harmony is to ensure there’s a balance your career and home life. It is easy to get caught up in your job responsibilities and to begin to allow your job to take precedence over your relationship.

It’s important to realize that no job is more important than your relationship. There may be times that you need to work late or on weekends but try to keep these instances to a minimum. Also, strive to not bring your work home, either physically or mentally, and allow it to encroach on your marriage.

It’s OK to share information about your day and vent any problems you may have had for a little while but going on and on about your job is simply not helpful to anyone least of all you

While agreement is not always possible, it is important for you to realize that even during arguments it’s possible to maintain harmony.

Every marriage is bound to have its problems and disagreements but it’s important to not let that problem linger. When disagreements arise, try working out an amicable agreement but when this is not possible sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move on with your marriage.

Remember that each morning is a new day and strive to wake up having forgotten any arguments you may have had with your spouse on the previous day. If you made your best effort to resolve the problem and were unable to reach a resolution, set a time to come back to it when both of you are ready, or better still just let it go and start the new day out happy.

Agreeing on financial matters is also key to achieving marital harmony. Money is one of the biggest issues that create the arguments in a marriage; If both of you are aware of your current financial situation and are willing to work together to establish a budget and stick to it, you will avoid unnecessary disagreements.

Perhaps an important secret to achieving marital harmony that is often overlooked is knowing your partner and discussing major issues before getting married. For example if you have always wanted children, it’s best to find out your partners view on children before getting married. Differences of opinion in an area such as this can doom a marriage.

Keeping politics and other sensitive issues separate from who you are as a couple is also important to maintaining harmony. It’s inevitable that you will have opposing viewpoints on certain issues and debate your beliefs but allowing these issues to create a rift it your marriage is not OK. Two people can exist harmoniously in a marriage even with opposing viewpoints as long as they respect each other’s opinions.

Another way to achieve marital harmony is to allow each other some time to be alone. It’s important to spend time together and share interests but sometimes too much time together can become stifling. It’s important for each of you to have interests or hobbies that you participate in without your spouse. This time away from each other helps to maintain harmony by respecting your individuality and need to sometimes do things separately from each other.

Being respectful of your spouse is also very important to achieving marital harmony. Couples that treat themselves and each other with respect are able to maintain a sense of civility and accord even during disagreements. This feeling of respect will help you remain harmonious even in the most trying situations.

One last secret to achieving marital harmony is to share household chores. A couple that divides up the responsibilities in the household and strives to help each other out whenever possible will have an easy time maintaining harmony.

If you have to go as far as drawing up a list of chores and who is responsible for them, go ahead and do that. A written document illustrating who does what around the house will make it clear if one person is carrying too much of the load as well as clarifying exactly what needs to be done.

It is important to not confuse harmony with agreement. Couples do not have to agree on every issue in order to have a sense of marital harmony. There are many factors that contribute to whether or not a marriage is harmonious. Some factors may be bigger than others, but they are all equally important in achieving marital harmony.