Tag Archive | Marriage

The Secret of a Good Marriage

Oct1

flaws
A good marriage is the ultimate dream of every person in relationship. From the moment the decision to marry has been made right through the preparation of the wedding ceremony; the couple can’t help but to create their own fantasy about a good marriage.

Unfortunately, for some it only ever is a fantasy. The reality often falls a long way short of what they thought would be their ‘happy ever after’. They may try their best, yet still find themselves in a disastrous relationship. And then there are those who create a success of their relationship and come to live a completely happy married life.

So, what is their secret?

Obviously, they do not use some magic potion to create a good married life. The simple secret to their great marriage is “accepting the flaws”. Yes, these three simple words are all it takes to make your marriage a successful one.

Every human being on this earth is flawed. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses. There is some good and some bad in every person. If you accept this fact about you partner, and about yourself as well by the way, you will never see you marriage at the verge of divorce.

Here’s how it works.

When I can see and accept the flaws in you and I can see and accept the flaws in me and recognize that it is those flaws that make us unique and special then I don’t have to try and change it.

For those of you are collectors of stamps, coins or other paraphernalia you will understand that it is often a flaw, an imperfection, that is what really gives something its value. And so it is with human beings. If we were all the same there would be nothing to learn and how boring would that be?

And  maybe the greatest challenge of all is that in discovering those flaws and learning from them we can come to applaud them in our partner as well as in ourselves or change them as we need to improve our life.

Where Forgiveness comes into this.

The very act of accepting the other, flaws and all, as well as ourselves implies by this acceptance forgiveness. That doesn’t mean an exoneration of any wrong doing but in being able to forgive we lay the path for the future to be different from the past.

Another important thing that you should know about marriage is that fights are inevitable. When two people spend time together, it will be inevitable that they will hurt and disappoint each other, and when this happens, there will likely be a fight as each tries to justify what they did or attempts to change the others view to their own.

Humans make mistakes, and when this is realized then it is time to find out what there is to learn, learn it, find forgiveness and acceptance of the other for who they are and move on.

Sometimes I meet with couples, especially those who may have only known each other a short time, who believe that any and every disagreement they have means that their relationship is in threat. The belief is that their relationship always needs to be in perfect harmony. But guess what? If it were always in harmony where would be the incentive to learn and grow? Just like an athlete; if they don’t experience a little discomfort from time to time they would not find the limits of where there sport can take them. And it is no different in relationships.

So whatever else it means these fights do not have to mean that you made a wrong decision marrying this person and so it should not have to sound like the death knell for your relationship. Fighting with your spouse does not means that they do not love you or you do not love them.

Therefore, when you have an argument with your spouse, give them their time to think, and take some time yourself to think, then speak again until you both understand where each other is coming from and what, if anything, might need to be done about it to improve your future. This might be something specific or just simply an acceptance of a difference between you.

And always remember this; the only couple that never fights are the ones that stand on top of the cream frosting of your wedding cake. And they do not fight because they do not talk to each other.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Love versus Infatuation

Sep17

Body Language

When we first meet someone we can sometimes confuse a very strong feeling of attraction towards them, one that we might think is love, for what is actually infatuation.

We might then notice our attraction towards that person decreasing and we realize that if we act on this feeling too quickly we may have made a mistake. So, how do we avoid such a mistake? The difference between love and infatuation is not so obvious, especially for those who develop this infatuation which, by the way, is the prelude to all loving relationships.

If you want to know if you are in love or if it’s just infatuation, then think about how long you have felt this feeling and what the reason was for this feeling. The person might have helped you with something and you felt strong gratitude towards them. You were impressed by them, and thought of the feeling of gratitude as an attraction or even to be love.

Sometimes the very fact of someone paying us some particular attention can be grounds to convince ourselves that we are loved and thereby happy to return that love.

I even quite often hear people say that they feel they have found their ‘soul mate’. And they honestly believe this to be so even if they may have only known this person for a short time.

A Trick of Nature?

Of course when we first meet someone we’re all on our best behavior. It is very easy to fool ourselves into believing that this is who the person really is.

In truth the only way we can really assess whether what we feel is love, or just infatuation, is to allow time to be the judge. Get to know this person as well as you can to assess your compatibility with them. And maybe the only sure test is to watch them when they’re under extreme stress as this will naturally bring out the best, or worst, in each of us.

So before, telling anyone that you love them and want to be in a relationship with them, be patient, and wait for some time to pass. Wait and see if the feeling that you think is love, decreases or if it stays somewhat the same over time or even grows.

Take off the rose-colored glasses and notice their flaws because you must love this part of your partner as well. Ask yourself: Would you still be able to love them knowing all their weaknesses and shortcomings?

Then if you get into something serious with them, and/or into marriage, then it would be a well thought through decision, not one based on impulse, and would truly become the best decision of your life.

The Lesson

So take some time before making that decision as it will be so important for your life, and the life of your potential partner and children.

And if after all this, your feelings towards this person remain the same, then it will be important to check that the feelings are reciprocated. You should see if they love you or not, and if they do then there is no reason not to be in a relationship with them.

Love Is Blind!

Love is a strange feeling; sometimes it makes us do things seemingly so insane that we might not otherwise have done them. But, if we all had our full faculties present, maybe none of us would ever even attempt to go there for fear of what might happen.

Yet, love is the most beautiful of all the emotions known to man and it makes life more beautiful and lovely; and well and truly worth the risk.

But, before making the decision to spend the rest of your life with a person you need to know whether what you feel towards them is truly love or just infatuation.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

What Is God’s Will for Me?

Sep3

KissFrom my reader – “Thank you for this opportunity. I hope your site can help to educate many in the area of marriage, so that we can have a community of very happy people – to the glory of God. The following are the common burning questions: – For believers, they want to know if the person they are about to marry is God’s will for them – Wives have a biblical obligation to respect their husbands; what should happen if marrying a man would cause a lady to lose her (sic) carrier (career) desire; is this ok for the sake of love, and biblical respect? – When couples have a problem, who is the best person to consult for advice (pastor, family, friend, nobody etc) – Can an unbeliever be the will of God for marriage to a believer? – Can you marry, and hope to change someone in the course of marriage life? Other questions may follow later. My little contribution to your site for the moment. May the Holy Spirit inspire and grant you wisdom. Thank you and God bless you”

I’ll preface the answer to this question by saying that I’m agnostic. I’m simply not sure that God exists and therefore believe in the idea that we are free to make whatever decisions we wish to in our lives, for good or for bad. I further believe that our experience of our lives comes from the beliefs that we create as a consequence of our previous life experiences.

Consequently I believe that the bible is a book of stories written by ordinary people of the time, based on their understanding of life, and reflecting their experiences. The purpose was to get a message across to their fellow-men in the only way they knew how and with whatever tools they had at their disposal at the time; stories.

So here are my thoughts on the questions asked:

For anyone going into a relationship, Christian or not, they want to know if the person they are about to marry is the best for them. I think that the best relationships come from your will to be the best you can be for that person and to go into relationship with an absolute commitment to being that. So if you believe that you can’t give your best to the person you are considering marriage to then you should not go there at all.

I want to repeat what I just said – I didn’t say that they, your future partner, has to do or be anything. I want it to be really clear here that the success of your relationship is entirely about you and your commitment and your good will to the other person. If that is good enough and it may, or may not depending on who they are, be reciprocated. All you have to decide is whether you have it within you to be and give entirely of your love to another. And this by the way may need to be a daily decision.

The writer also mentions the obligation of a woman to respect her husband. For relationship to be successful respect needs to be both ways. And, given the times we now live in, this should also be a respect for his wife’s career choices and right to pursue a career as she wants, just as he should have respect from his wife to choose his career as he wants.

And what of the question whether a non-believer can be a God willing partner to a believer. If there were such a thing, then I’m sure God would bless this union as well as any other as a means of bringing out the best in both people.

This is also what I believe a good relationship is about: me learning from you and you learning from me. This might even lead to some changes in both of us in the process. Let my put a qualifier on this though which is; don’t ever expect that you can change someone else either by marriage or otherwise. Change may happen but it will be by their choice not yours just as this article may change you but not because of anything that I’ve said but by your consideration and decision as a consequence to what I’ve said.

And the last question raised in this question was about where you go when you need advice. Any of the people you mentioned may be a good choice. You may even find an answer in discussion with the person who probably knows you best of all and that is your partner. Here the critical component is that they are supportive of you and are willing to take the time to really hear what you have to say before responding.

And finally let me applaud the writer for their want for a community of happy people. I want for that too and while you might want it for the glory of God, I will seek for it to happen for the glory of your children and the children of your children.

Thank you to the author of this question for your blessings. They are humbly accepted and sincerely appreciated.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Are You Addicted To Love?

Aug20

man smoking cigaroMarriage is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life and maybe only second to becoming a parent. Consequently it is crucial that it is a decision made with considerable thought and care to ensure that, as much as possible, it will create a lasting relationship.

Having said that I have never come across anyone who made a decision to marry with the intent of divorcing and yet, as we know, more than 40% of first marriages do end in divorce and the statistics are even higher for second and subsequent marriages – 60%++.

Is There Something Wrong That They Have Been Married Three Times?

Maybe there is or maybe it is that some people just keep making wrong decisions. For some people it just takes time to figure out that the relationship is just not working. Maybe some people are just poor judges of character or don’t know themselves well enough to know who actually might be a good match for them.

Maybe there are people who just don’t take the time needed to know someone well enough, or long enough, before diving into a marriage.

And then there are those who are just plain addicted to love. It’s like the beginning part of a relationship, the honeymoon stage, feels so good that they want to create it again and again. So as soon as the fire in the current relationship starts to flicker then the love addict will end the relationship and go and seek the buzz of another new relationship.

If a person has been married three times should I stay away from them?

As already spoken about there can be many reasons why people end a marriage. So for someone who has been married three times, the decision to marry them, or not, needs to be based on a clear understanding as to why this has happened in the past and the likelihood of it happening again.

If they have come to understand what it means to be married and still want to marry you then there should be no problem. If you don’t go ahead you might be missing out on the possibility of creating something truly beautiful with your soul mate. And while they might not have been able to make it with someone else it might just be that this time it will work with you.

Marriage is a very beautiful relationship and the depth of relationship that is possible comes from the heart not from the mind. The mind may tell you not to marry a person who has been divorced, but the heart tells you marry them, because you love them. Listen to what both your heart and mind have to say and then make a decision. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones to make it last your lifetime.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Nine Indicators That Your Relationship Is In Deep Trouble

Aug6

relationship in troubleWhy Do My Parents Hate Each Other So Much?

I was speaking to a young boy this week, let’s call him Mat (not his real name), who asked me a question about his divorcing parents – “Why do my parents hate each other so much?”

I found myself searching for an answer and finally said: “I don’t believe your parents really ‘hate’ each other but maybe are just so angry with each other, and with the situation they are in, that it looks like they really hate each other.”

I went on further to explain my belief that in order for a couple to actually go through the process of divorcing from each other they also must go through what seems like ‘hate’ before they can really do it.

Mat then asked me: “So how did they get into that position in the first place?” The only way I know how to answer this is to believe that one or more of a set of factors became evident and ultimately became more stressful than the good that existed between the couple. When this reaches that point of being unbearable then the relationship blows out and separation and/or divorce become thereby inevitable.

John Gottman, an eminent Couples Researcher discovered after studying the incident of divorce for more than thirty years came up with a set of predictors that measure whether a couple is potentially at risk of divorce. Here they are:

  1. Did you marry at an early age?
  2. Did you not graduate from high school?
  3. Are you in a low-income bracket?
  4. Are you in an interfaith marriage?
  5. Did your parents divorce?
  6. Do you criticize one another?
  7. Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
  8. Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
  9. Do you feel contempt for one another?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, then you are statistically at a higher risk for divorce than couples who have reasonable expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another.

So this is not to say that if you answered “yes” to any one of these question you are going to divorce. What it does mean is that you have got some working out to do to ensure that you do not go that route.

And here’s the really good news: knowing the areas that leaves you in risk of divorcing means that you know what areas you most need to work with. The time is now to find a well qualified therapist to help you resolve these issues before they destroy your relationship.

And as for Mat’s parents? The issues that I suspect are current for them are more to do with how they have related to each other rather than anything to do with cultural, education or financial issues. They are very critical of each other, withdraw regularly, and I think the ‘hate’ that Mat is observing has actually now become contempt for each other as they continue to separate themselves further and further. It’s like they are on a downward spiral and are unable to stop what is happening.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Should I Marry Or Just Live With …

May21

Should I Marry Or Just Live With My Partner

Kisser's Embrace

I receive countless emails on the topic of getting married versus living with your partner with the possibility of one day getting married and all the apprehension that goes with that decision. So in this article/blog I’m going to address these questions as I understand them and welcome your comments as well.

I also receive many questions about arranged marriages, and the consequences of that on the couple, as well as about marriages that are not arranged and do not have the approval of family.

Here are a couple of scenarios:

1. Boy meets girl – they fall in love – they commit to each other and set up house either with a view to getting married or having just done so.

2. Families introduce the couple – they live with their own families until they get married often not even meeting, or if so briefly in the parents company, before their wedding day.

Researchers have looked into each of these scenarios, amongst others, to determine what situations give the best long-term outcomes for couples.

And here is what the research is indicating:

Generally over the long-term arranged marriages have the highest rate of success. That is not necessarily to say that these couples are the happiest but, due to the cultural structure of their communities, where women particularly often have less input into their life decisions, the permanence of these relationships is pretty much guaranteed.

Another indicator coming from the research is that marriages that have resulted from a courtship whereby the couple has lived separately until their wedding day also seem to have a higher success rate than couples who have lived together prior to becoming married.

The lowest long-term success rate comes from couples who live together before they marry or who live together without marrying at all or who have only known each other for a short period of time before marrying.

My hunch is that there is a common denominator here that is to do with commitment. This commitment however could be self-directed or other directed. In the case of an arranged marriage there may be a commitment based on lack of perceived choice. While on the other end of the continuum, the couple who live together without making a long-term commitment, may actually not have given enough thought to the decision and consequently may feel more able to step away from the relationship if things get too hard.

This is a huge generalisation based on a set of figures which of course is just that; numbers not real people.

I look forward to your stories to tell me of outcomes that are contrary to the research results, for good and for bad, and maybe we can conduct our own research to see what structure relationships take that have the best outcome.

There is another set of figures being published too that says that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. This is often blamed on the additional stress of there now being children in the relationship or that someone has not learned their lessons from the first relationship and thereby just gets into the same negative place again.

And in terms of going against statistical norms I will be the first to hold up my hand. I met my current partner just as I was ready to end my previous relationship. I don’t mind saying that while we have never married we have now been together for twenty plus years and each year just gets better and better.

So what does all this tell us? Simply this: there is no best way to choose a partner or to choose a type of relationship or even a best time to marry. This might also mean then that there is no optimum time to know each other before committing to a relationship nor a best age to do this.

The most important thing is that you love each other and respect each other and treat each other as if you are the most valuable thing in the world. This presupposes that each of you is at peace within yourself. Sometimes this means making it more about your partner than about you. If you can do this then whatever arrangement you have will work.

A Word of Warning

A really important thing to remember is that relationships can be fragile and need regular nurturing and care. Don’t ever treat another person as someone to own or to have control over or to force into a relationship without their want. This is not respectful or favourable to being loved.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

 

 

 

How to Tell If Your Spouse is Cheating – 3 Tell-Tale Signs to Look For

May7

Blatant CheatingCheating happens in so many ways. When we first think about what cheating is we tend to think about spouses having sex outside of the relationship but it happens in many other ways as well. With this in mind be aware also that what is defined as cheating to one person might not be for someone else.

A recent magazine asked readers to define an extra-marital affair, with this result:

· 21% thinking about an involvement
· 21% dinner and drinks
· 24% kissing and petting
· 26% sexual intercourse
· 8% not sure

And some people even define it as chatting on the internet or phone messaging with people of the opposite sex or using porn without the partner’s consent or inclusion.

How do you define cheating? And how do you know if your spouse is doing it?

Here are three tell-tale signs to look out for:

  1. When your spouse suddenly takes extra special care in their dress or personal appearance or suddenly adopts a whole new style in clothing or hair.
  2. When your spouse suddenly starts staying back at work late into the night saying they are doing extra work.
  3. When your spouse spends longer hours on the computer and/or phone and doesn’t want you to ask questions about or see what s/he is doing.

NB Be mindful that there may be perfectly legitimate reasons for all of these behaviors so be careful jumping to conclusions.

And by the way cheating is not necessarily a death knell for the relationship.

There are many reasons people cheat. The most important one though is that something is not working in the relationship that really needs looking at. This does not necessarily mean that you do not love each other anymore. What it means is that someone in the relationship is just not getting some of there needs met. This might be sexually or in friendship or in satisfying a need for some excitement in their lives.

Here is the short answer to overcoming an affair.

If you have caught your partner out there is obviously some decisions to be made regarding whether you should abandon the relationship or whether you can both recover from this error. That will be decided by many things the most important of which is your capacity to forgive your partner, and maybe even yourself, for allowing the affair to happen.

If you are the one having the affair, by the way, it’s sometimes wiser to not tell but to recommit and make amends as best you can. While it is said that honesty must be at the base of all relationships there are some things that may be best left unsaid. On deciding you have made a mistake, the most important thing is to acknowledge that to yourself and to do whatever needs to be done to get this relationship back on track. If you then decide to tell your partner have a good reason for doing so which is not based on your need to free yourself of guilt.

If you are in a relationship where you think there might be cheating talk about it. This may not be best introduced with a question about whether the other person is actually having an affair, but from the perspective of sharing your thoughts and values on the topic so your partner has an opportunity to respond. In this way they are not left with any doubt as to what you think and feel about the possibility of s/he having an affair. It just may give him/her a chance to change their behavior without having to put your whole relationship on the line. Remember s/he may not have the same definition of cheating as you do.

I will address this in more detail in my next blog post.

 

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Friendship – The Foundation Stone For: ‘Till death do you part!’

Apr23
IMG_8328

 

There’s a scene at the end of the movie, ‘When Harry Met Sally’. You know the one I mean – the one that has all these old couples telling stories about how they met and fell in love and how after so many years they are still together.

These couples are so in synch with each other that they finish each others sentences. They each know the other so well, even down to what the other is going to say, so that without even talking over the top of each other you get the whole story as if it could have all come from one mouth.

This is my definition of true friendship and creates the foundation of every relationship that has lasted longer than the soft skin, the agile body and the great sex. The relationships that exist beyond sickness, beyond the bad times, and will only be severed by the death that will one day separate the couple from each other.

These relationships are ageless: they have stood the test of time. These couples have discovered something that so many of us still struggle with and that is that the love that comes from a true friendship survives all and any adversity that can be thrown at them.

How does this happen? I think there is something happening here that is maybe not present in many current relationships. This is the way these relationships began in the first place. I had a client come in some time ago, an older gentleman who lost his wife six months ago after forty years of marriage. He was grieving for her so badly he didn’t know what to do with himself. There was nothing he needed to understand or learn about this event. My role as his counselor was simply to give him a place to tell his story.

And what he told me was this: He described himself as a bit of a ‘lad’. He enjoyed the company of his mates and they spent Saturday nights out on the town drinking and partying. On occasion they would go to a dance and meet up with girls. This is how my client, let’s call him Peter, (not his real name) met the woman who would become his wife and long-time partner.

Peter was invited to a dance by his mates. There was a promise that there would be girls there and one of Peter’s mates even suggested that there was someone new to the group who Peter might fancy. This is when he first met Pip (not her real name) and instantly hit it off. The months that followed were spent going out with the group and getting to know each other more. ‘They Became Good Friends’. It was from this friendship then that their love grew. They married and made a life together.

Things are different now than they were then and I wonder when I meet people like Peter, and the loving way he speaks of Pip, and see couples like at the end of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ if there is something they knew back then that we might have lost sight of. And that might simply be that before they fell in love they first created a really great friendship.

I believe that friendship must be a precursor to a truly great relationship and become thereby the necessary foundation that will take the relationship into the future.

When I talk to couples now I ask them what they do for fun. These are the things that will create the opportunities for a friendship to flourish. Sometimes things become too serious as people get on with acquiring things in their lives instead of living their lives.

How about you – are you and your partner friends? To ascertain the answer ask yourself this question – Do I really like this person? If the answer is: ‘yes!’ then you probably have what it takes to go the long-term with him or her. If the answer is: ‘no’ then you probably need to rethink whether what you have with this person will be enough to keep you connected till ‘death do you part!’

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

So Now That We Are Married – Now What?

Apr16

Married CoupleThis week’s blog could have many titles and hopefully will address many of the questions I get on the topic of ‘…so now that we are married – now what?’

Some of the questions relate to: ‘Keeping Love Alive’, ‘Holding on to the Spark’ or maybe related to the question: ‘How do we Sustain a Marriage after 10, 20 or 30+ Years?’ Sometimes the questions are just about ‘What to do from Becoming Bored’

There is so much I could say about this topic I scarcely know where to begin. The reason you become bored in relationships is that you think there is nothing more to learn about the other person or you lose the want to find out if there’s something still worthwhile knowing. In short, you become bored because you most often just don’t want to be bothered anymore.

When you first meet someone, and you don’t know them well enough yet to see the negative qualities they possess, you just want to get as much of them as you can. You want to be with them 24/7 to feel the good feelings you get just by being near them. You want to know there most personal thoughts, about everything, in your quest to prove to yourself that they really are the right person for you and so much so that they become perfect in your eyes.

And then one day you think you’ve got them figured out! From here then it’s a short step to it becoming all too much trouble.

And by the way this goes both ways – they think they’ve got you figured as well. So as you stop talking to them, they stop talking to you and you get into a stage of relationship that I call ‘Assuming your way into oblivion’.

There’s an old adage that says to ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. From there it’s a downhill slide into second guessing and taking the others needs and wants for granted.

The funny thing about this is that you unconsciously encourage this by your own expectation that if your partner truly understood you then they would know what you are thinking and thereby what you are wanting and/or needing and would somehow then just magically do it.

But guess what you aren’t a mind reader, most of us aren’t anyway, and as well as you think you might know your partner you really have no idea. You have not had his or her life experiences for one thing, you don’t process your thoughts in the same way as he or she does and therefore you will naturally respond to things differently.

So to get back to the topic at hand – if you’re not a mind reader then neither are they. The way forward then is to keep talking, stay curious and always check out what’s new for the other person. Share your thoughts and feelings with them as well and never give up.

I have met with couples that have issues that keep coming up for them. They might even have a brief conversation about it and, for a moment at least, it seems that things might change. But guess what? The issues just keep coming back again and again. And this is why: The real core of the issues were never fully understood in the first place and just as often by the person holding the issue as well as by the other trying to grapple with it.

So if you don’t get it for yourself then what hope has your partner got of getting it and consequently what hope have you got as a couple to really find a satisfactory and long-term resolution?

The answer is none.

You need to be friend to your partner as well as a lover. Never assume that you really do know what they mean when they say ‘… you know.’ The truth is if they don’t, you can’t either. Friends are interested about each others thoughts and feelings. They ask meaningful questions and listen actively to the responses. This consists of more than an ‘I understand’ and may actually require a statement about what you think you are actually hearing so that the other can confirm, or restate or expand, so that you can really get down to the truth about what they are actually saying to you.

In this way you can never get bored as there’ll always be something to talk about. And it won’t matter that you have been married for 30, 40 or even 50 years as there will always be something more to learn about that person that you’ve never known before. And just maybe there will be something to also learn about yourself.

To get you started on this quest check out the page on my website titled ‘quizzes and questionnaires’ and look for: ‘My life in 34 Questions’. Answer the questions for yourself and for your partner before sharing your answers. You might find out something you never knew before.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

10 Secrets to Achieving Perfect Harmony In Your Marriage

Apr18

Sometimes it is the little things that maintain the peace in a relationship and sometimes it is the bigger decisions that can either harm or help the harmony in the household.

Being aware of your partner’s likes and dislikes is one way to achieve marital harmony. This awareness allows you to operate in a way that keeps your partner’s preferences in mind. If you know what your partner likes and doesn’t like you can take precautions to not engage in an activity that will hurt your partner. Additionally, your partner will respect your consideration of their feelings.

Sharing in the decision-making process is also critical to achieving marital harmony. This is important for a couple of reasons. Firstly it gives you the opportunity to work together to make the important decisions that will affect you both and secondly it helps to make you both feel involved in the process. Also, if one of you takes the responsibility of making decisions without consulting your partner it can lead to resentment especially if the decision turns out to be a bad one.

Another secret to achieving marital harmony is to ensure there’s a balance your career and home life. It is easy to get caught up in your job responsibilities and to begin to allow your job to take precedence over your relationship.

It’s important to realize that no job is more important than your relationship. There may be times that you need to work late or on weekends but try to keep these instances to a minimum. Also, strive to not bring your work home, either physically or mentally, and allow it to encroach on your marriage.

It’s OK to share information about your day and vent any problems you may have had for a little while but going on and on about your job is simply not helpful to anyone least of all you

While agreement is not always possible, it is important for you to realize that even during arguments it’s possible to maintain harmony.

Every marriage is bound to have its problems and disagreements but it’s important to not let that problem linger. When disagreements arise, try working out an amicable agreement but when this is not possible sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move on with your marriage.

Remember that each morning is a new day and strive to wake up having forgotten any arguments you may have had with your spouse on the previous day. If you made your best effort to resolve the problem and were unable to reach a resolution, set a time to come back to it when both of you are ready, or better still just let it go and start the new day out happy.

Agreeing on financial matters is also key to achieving marital harmony. Money is one of the biggest issues that create the arguments in a marriage; If both of you are aware of your current financial situation and are willing to work together to establish a budget and stick to it, you will avoid unnecessary disagreements.

Perhaps an important secret to achieving marital harmony that is often overlooked is knowing your partner and discussing major issues before getting married. For example if you have always wanted children, it’s best to find out your partners view on children before getting married. Differences of opinion in an area such as this can doom a marriage.

Keeping politics and other sensitive issues separate from who you are as a couple is also important to maintaining harmony. It’s inevitable that you will have opposing viewpoints on certain issues and debate your beliefs but allowing these issues to create a rift it your marriage is not OK. Two people can exist harmoniously in a marriage even with opposing viewpoints as long as they respect each other’s opinions.

Another way to achieve marital harmony is to allow each other some time to be alone. It’s important to spend time together and share interests but sometimes too much time together can become stifling. It’s important for each of you to have interests or hobbies that you participate in without your spouse. This time away from each other helps to maintain harmony by respecting your individuality and need to sometimes do things separately from each other.

Being respectful of your spouse is also very important to achieving marital harmony. Couples that treat themselves and each other with respect are able to maintain a sense of civility and accord even during disagreements. This feeling of respect will help you remain harmonious even in the most trying situations.

One last secret to achieving marital harmony is to share household chores. A couple that divides up the responsibilities in the household and strives to help each other out whenever possible will have an easy time maintaining harmony.

If you have to go as far as drawing up a list of chores and who is responsible for them, go ahead and do that. A written document illustrating who does what around the house will make it clear if one person is carrying too much of the load as well as clarifying exactly what needs to be done.

It is important to not confuse harmony with agreement. Couples do not have to agree on every issue in order to have a sense of marital harmony. There are many factors that contribute to whether or not a marriage is harmonious. Some factors may be bigger than others, but they are all equally important in achieving marital harmony.