Tag Archive | Love

Three Simple Steps to Getting Him Back

Aug15
Man, Woman; Talking

Friends and the Media are full of ideas about how to get your boyfriend back after he has dumped you. Here is a sample of some of the things that I have heard and read:

“Getting your ex back is not difficult. You just have to be a bit subtle and think from the point of view of a man. Keep one thing in mind; you got him once so you can get him again.”

“Do not plead with him to get back with you. No man likes a girl who is so miserable for him, and do not do anything that is stupid, even if you are desperate to get back with him. Be patient, it might take a while for him to get back with you again.”

“Do not show him that you are desperate to get him back. Do not be a stalker. Try to be mature. If you meet him at work or at the mall, or some other place, just say hello, ask how he is, and move on. If he asks something more, answer it but then leave it at that. Neither should you start begging him to get back with you nor should you be rude. Stay calm when you meet him.”

“If he calls you then do not show that you are very thrilled to get his call, just give a mild “OKAY” expression, to show that it does not matter if he calls you or not. If he does not call, you can call him every couple of weeks just to ask how he is doing. Do not tell him with straight words that you want to get back with him.”

“Avoid calling him 10 times a day or going to his home or wherever he might be. If you do so, he will dislike you even more than before.  You have to be very subtle, you have to deliver him the message that you miss him, yet you cannot say it in words.”

The Better Way to Get Him Back

I’m not sure that any of this advice is sensible let alone the way to go when your boyfriend has left you. Here are my thoughts on the topic:

Firstly ask yourself this question and be very honest with the answer – “Given all that has happened do you really want him back?” If the answer is “no” then nothing more needs to be said. If the answer is “yes because it is just so painful to be the one left” – then check further if this is a good enough reason to fight for him to come back.

If the answer is “yes!” because you really want him to be a part of your life, then follow these three steps:

  1. Take some time firstly to figure out what went wrong so you can ensure that you don’t get into the same situation again.
  2. It might even be sensible to write down what you have learned about yourself, others, relationships and/or life that will make this breakup a positive experience rather than a negative experience.
  3. Then find some way to put into words, as openly and as honestly as you can what you understand as being your responsibility for what went wrong with a request for forgiveness of that.

When you’ve complete these three steps find a way then to deliver the message to him. This might be delivered via a card, an electronic communication or in person. As you request forgiveness of him make sure you also discover a way to forgive yourself.

Warning! Warning!

A word of caution here: the purpose of this exercise is not to obtain an apology from him nor to guilt him into coming back to you. Be genuine in your apology and know that it may or may not get him back. You need to accept whatever the outcome of that apology is. The purpose here is to find a path to clear away any baggage from the past so you open a way to the future which might be either with or without him.

Hopefully he will have followed a similar process and together you will make a good decision about whether it’s worth giving it another go or whether it really is time to move on.

And it goes without saying that the same formula applies if you are the man in this relationship where she has walked out on you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Nine Indicators That Your Relationship Is In Deep Trouble

Aug6

relationship in troubleWhy Do My Parents Hate Each Other So Much?

I was speaking to a young boy this week, let’s call him Mat (not his real name), who asked me a question about his divorcing parents – “Why do my parents hate each other so much?”

I found myself searching for an answer and finally said: “I don’t believe your parents really ‘hate’ each other but maybe are just so angry with each other, and with the situation they are in, that it looks like they really hate each other.”

I went on further to explain my belief that in order for a couple to actually go through the process of divorcing from each other they also must go through what seems like ‘hate’ before they can really do it.

Mat then asked me: “So how did they get into that position in the first place?” The only way I know how to answer this is to believe that one or more of a set of factors became evident and ultimately became more stressful than the good that existed between the couple. When this reaches that point of being unbearable then the relationship blows out and separation and/or divorce become thereby inevitable.

John Gottman, an eminent Couples Researcher discovered after studying the incident of divorce for more than thirty years came up with a set of predictors that measure whether a couple is potentially at risk of divorce. Here they are:

  1. Did you marry at an early age?
  2. Did you not graduate from high school?
  3. Are you in a low-income bracket?
  4. Are you in an interfaith marriage?
  5. Did your parents divorce?
  6. Do you criticize one another?
  7. Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
  8. Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
  9. Do you feel contempt for one another?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, then you are statistically at a higher risk for divorce than couples who have reasonable expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another.

So this is not to say that if you answered “yes” to any one of these question you are going to divorce. What it does mean is that you have got some working out to do to ensure that you do not go that route.

And here’s the really good news: knowing the areas that leaves you in risk of divorcing means that you know what areas you most need to work with. The time is now to find a well qualified therapist to help you resolve these issues before they destroy your relationship.

And as for Mat’s parents? The issues that I suspect are current for them are more to do with how they have related to each other rather than anything to do with cultural, education or financial issues. They are very critical of each other, withdraw regularly, and I think the ‘hate’ that Mat is observing has actually now become contempt for each other as they continue to separate themselves further and further. It’s like they are on a downward spiral and are unable to stop what is happening.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Can I Be In A Relationship and Still Be Me?

Jul31


There is a very common question that people ask when they are about to go into a relationship and it is this:
“Can I be in a relationship and still be me?”
Well this simple question has a very simple answer: “Yes!” The most basic building block of a relationship is love and those who truly love you, love you for who you are. Let me explain “love” to you so you can get the answer to this question yourself.
Love is a feeling that we have towards someone because we like an attribute that they have. This may be something like their values, simplicity, honesty etc. This is true love, and this is real love.
Consider how it would be to begin a relationship where you pretend to be something you are not. If your future partner comes to love your “unreal self” the moment they find out about your true self they may stop loving you. Because they loved a particular attribute that you pretended to have and you actually did not have it: Quality gone, love gone.
If in a relationship, you show yourself “better” than you are, then the love will absolutely be fake, and basing the relationship on fake love would vis-à-vis make the love fake also. What is the need to save a fake relationship? Why would you pretend to save a fake relationship? Such is a relationship for which you have to pretend. However, at the end, such a relationship has no value. The people who love your real self truly love you, and as the saying goes will continue to love you “warts and all”.
Therefore, the question could instead be, “Can I have a successful relationship while I pretend to be something I am not”, and the answer to it would be no. If you think from the perspective that you might have to give up your attitude or you might have to become compliant the answer is the same; be real to get real love.
The tricky bit about this is that we all present our “best selves” when we first meet someone and consider going into a relationship. So is this fake? No – this is just presenting ourselves in a very conscious way. The problem with many relationships that go bad is not that they are fake but maybe it is because we stop being conscious of what we do in the presence of the other: We “let ourselves go” which is a disservice to ourselves as well as to the other person who would be our partner.
The lesson here then is: be yourself and while being the best you can be, by valuing yourself above all others, also be the best you can be for your partner and value equally that person and your relationship. In this way you can truly be who you are meant to be for you and for your partner. There is no pretence here, nothing fake just you being as real as you can be consciously and lovingly.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Is It In His Kiss?

May28

Many of you are asking ‘how to …’ questions so in this week’s article/blog I have selected ten of the most common ‘how to’s …’ to answer. These are just my thoughts so do go to the comments link and add your own.

  1. How Do I Know he/she Loves Me?
  2. How Can I please Him?
  3. How Do I know he means it?
  4. How can I make him happy?
  5. How do I know what women want most in a relationship?
  6. How do I prove I love her?
  7. How do I let her know I love her?
  8. How do I know it will last forever?
  9. How do I show him I love him?
  10. How do I know if I can trust her?

The song written by Rudy Clark in 1964, and made famous by Cher in 1991, titled ‘It’s In His Kiss’ may answer some of these questions. Here are the lyrics:

kiss on the stepsDoes he love me?
I wanna know!
How can I tell if he loves me so?
(Is it in his eyes?)
Oh no! You need to see!
(Is it in his size?)
Oh no! You make-believe!
If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It’s in his kiss!
(That’s where it is!)

(Oh yeah! Or is it in his face?)
no girls! It’s just his charms!
(In his warm embrace?)
no girls! That’s just his arms!
If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It’s in his kiss!
(That’s where it is!)
yeah!! It’s in his kiss!
(That’s where it is!)

Oh, oh, oh, honey !
Squeeze him tight!
Find out what you wanna know!
promise love, and if it really is,
It’s there in his kiss! …

Is it really in his kiss, or in his eyes or face or arms? Or is it in none of these? Does this song really sum it all up or is there more to it.

Well, I think there is a whole lot more to it. And if you think the answers are to be found anywhere outside of the relationship, I think that you might also be looking in the wrong place.

So if the answers are not in their kiss, and not out there, where are they?
I’ll answer that question in a moment. Let me firstly say this: What these kinds of questions echo for me is that either you’re not asking the right questions or you just don’t trust yourself, or your intuition, enough to believe that what you’re hearing is the truth, or that they are actually lies.

Or maybe you’re just not asking any questions at all out of fear of what you’ll hear or worse, that you might get an outright rejection. Maybe this is because you’re not yet sure enough about your own love; either of the other or of yourself or do not have an absolute belief that you are worthy of love. What happens then instead is that you try to guess what’s really going on or hope that someone else may be able to help with the answers.

Maybe the issue here is really about trust: Trust of yourself to know the truth when you hear it and/or trust of the other to believe that what they are saying will answer your questions truthfully.

So where do you find the answer to these questions? Ask the person who really should be answering them. The truth really is there, and is plain to see when you open yourself to it. Be brave – ask the questions you really want to know the answers to and trust that he or she will answer you honestly. Then look into your own heart to determine if the response actually is the truth: If it is you’ll know it. If it’s not or you still are not sure maybe this person is not the one you should commit yourself to.

If, after getting the answers to your questions you feel sure about the answers then kiss him or her often and take the time to make it heartfelt. Show him or her through your kiss that you truly love them. The only question I have for you then is ‘how could they not love you forever?’

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Should I Marry Or Just Live With …

May21

Should I Marry Or Just Live With My Partner

Kisser's Embrace

I receive countless emails on the topic of getting married versus living with your partner with the possibility of one day getting married and all the apprehension that goes with that decision. So in this article/blog I’m going to address these questions as I understand them and welcome your comments as well.

I also receive many questions about arranged marriages, and the consequences of that on the couple, as well as about marriages that are not arranged and do not have the approval of family.

Here are a couple of scenarios:

1. Boy meets girl – they fall in love – they commit to each other and set up house either with a view to getting married or having just done so.

2. Families introduce the couple – they live with their own families until they get married often not even meeting, or if so briefly in the parents company, before their wedding day.

Researchers have looked into each of these scenarios, amongst others, to determine what situations give the best long-term outcomes for couples.

And here is what the research is indicating:

Generally over the long-term arranged marriages have the highest rate of success. That is not necessarily to say that these couples are the happiest but, due to the cultural structure of their communities, where women particularly often have less input into their life decisions, the permanence of these relationships is pretty much guaranteed.

Another indicator coming from the research is that marriages that have resulted from a courtship whereby the couple has lived separately until their wedding day also seem to have a higher success rate than couples who have lived together prior to becoming married.

The lowest long-term success rate comes from couples who live together before they marry or who live together without marrying at all or who have only known each other for a short period of time before marrying.

My hunch is that there is a common denominator here that is to do with commitment. This commitment however could be self-directed or other directed. In the case of an arranged marriage there may be a commitment based on lack of perceived choice. While on the other end of the continuum, the couple who live together without making a long-term commitment, may actually not have given enough thought to the decision and consequently may feel more able to step away from the relationship if things get too hard.

This is a huge generalisation based on a set of figures which of course is just that; numbers not real people.

I look forward to your stories to tell me of outcomes that are contrary to the research results, for good and for bad, and maybe we can conduct our own research to see what structure relationships take that have the best outcome.

There is another set of figures being published too that says that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. This is often blamed on the additional stress of there now being children in the relationship or that someone has not learned their lessons from the first relationship and thereby just gets into the same negative place again.

And in terms of going against statistical norms I will be the first to hold up my hand. I met my current partner just as I was ready to end my previous relationship. I don’t mind saying that while we have never married we have now been together for twenty plus years and each year just gets better and better.

So what does all this tell us? Simply this: there is no best way to choose a partner or to choose a type of relationship or even a best time to marry. This might also mean then that there is no optimum time to know each other before committing to a relationship nor a best age to do this.

The most important thing is that you love each other and respect each other and treat each other as if you are the most valuable thing in the world. This presupposes that each of you is at peace within yourself. Sometimes this means making it more about your partner than about you. If you can do this then whatever arrangement you have will work.

A Word of Warning

A really important thing to remember is that relationships can be fragile and need regular nurturing and care. Don’t ever treat another person as someone to own or to have control over or to force into a relationship without their want. This is not respectful or favourable to being loved.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Make an Affair Work for You

May14

Couple talkingOne of the most hurtful events of a relationship is when someone is discovered having an affair.

Generally one of three things happens when someone discovers that their spouse has been cheating on them.

1. The affair is ignored. This may mean that the affair continues but nothing changes in the relationship. This is often because the party being cheated on just doesn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ for fear of what might come of it.

2. Sometimes one or other of the couple decides that they can no longer be in the relationship and so the relationship ends.

3. Ideally the affair stops. The old relationship discontinues and a new relationship begins.

Whether the relationship ends or not, some serious losses will be experienced. Losses can be physical or symbolic and may include:

• Loss of trust

• Loss of security

• Loss of hope/dreams

• Loss of faith

• Loss of intimacy and affection

• Loss of self-esteem

Sometimes it is these losses, over and above the affair, that pulls the couple apart and sounds the death knell for continuing the relationship.

If the third option is the case the challenge then is for the non-offending spouse to overcome these losses and find trust again for the other person. This is probably the biggest hurdle to overcome.

The Way Forward

The way forward then is to take the time with your spouse to talk about all these issues and to realign them with a new way of being.  More than anything for a relationship to make it through there needs to be forgiveness: forgiveness of each spouse of themselves and of each other for the part they played in the affair.

And yes, as hard it sounds, even the non-offending spouse might need to look at their part in causing the affair. In saying this I don’t mean to imply that the offending party should be absolved of what they have done. They must take full responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused but, as I’ve said before, the reason this affair has happened is because there was something amiss in the relationship to start with. For this both spouses need to assume responsibility.

To help you both along the way it might be useful to start a journal. Express all your thoughts and feelings in this journal; the good, the bad and the downright ugly. And besides making the time to talk about what happened there might also need to be some new, if only temporary, rules put into place regarding letting each other know where you are and what you’re doing and how long that will be. This can be the only way forward if trust is going to be re-established.

And by the way the spouse who decides the ultimate outcome of the affair will be the non-offending spouse not the one who cheated. Your role is to just grin and bear it, as this is the consequence of having erred. If there is enough love and a renewed commitment and trust you will find a way to reconnect. For both of you don’t be in a hurry. It will take as long as it takes.

Sometimes all this might seem too hard to do on your own and you might need some professional help. Take that help even if you don’t yet know what you should do now that the affair has been exposed. Counselling will help you find your way through the mess to then be able to make a clear decision to either leave the relationship or to recommit. It’s only as you come to make this decision that you can start to move forward.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What To Do When They Love Their Ex More Than You?

Apr30

The ExWhen I was 17 years old I met and fell in love with a man who became my prince. I thought it would last forever. We were soul mates and we shared everything together. This lasted for about eighteen months when we had our first big blow up. This also happened at a time when I needed to make some decisions about my future studies and where I wanted to live. The wants of each of us became devastatingly incompatible and we parted company.

Thoughts of him stayed with me for a long while as I then continued on with my life and fell in love with someone else who ultimately became my husband. Even now, nearly forty years later, I remember my first love with fondness and know that, despite what we had, it could never have been more than a high school fling though a great one at that.

Really there is nothing that will ever be the same as a first love. The feelings in your body and mind are intense coming from a place of innocence and naiveté. It’s like the first time you do anything exciting, like going on a roller coaster ride for the first time. It’s exhilarating and scary and irresistibly draws you into making you want to experience the ride again and again until you’re exhausted.

Of course this feeling cannot last as you must come back to reality. This sometimes happens with a resounding thud as you come to understand that you are actually not well-matched or your wants from life is not the same. Sometimes you just come to realize that you don’t really like this person anyway or they really don’t like you.

Then it’s all over! You are left to pick up the pieces of your life and move on. The reality is though that most often this happens for one or other of you first. The result being that while one of you has decided to move on the other hasn’t got to that stage yet.

This is where the other of you is left with some unanswered questions and consequently what we call in the industry ‘unfinished business’. This most often comprises the need to grieve the loss as well as to get some answers to the most obvious question ‘is this about you or me?’

For anyone going through this distress generally the first reaction is to try to avoid it. And how do you do that? You quickly distract yourselves with a new love. Often the outcome of this is, once the initial attraction has somewhat waned, to feel once again the sadness of the previous loss. This may be recognized by you, or your partner, as a belief that there is still love for that person, the Ex.

So how do you get past this? If you’re the one feeling like you can’t get over a lost love you need to remind yourself of the reality of the situation and focus on what is now possible for your future.

If you’re the one with a partner struggling with this know that this is their struggle and they are the one who needs to do the work. This is not about who you are or what you do. There is consequently not a lot you can do in this case except to be as supportive and as loving as you can be. This will then be his/her reminder of what s/he really does have to be thankful for in his/her life now.

If both of these options seem like too big it might be time to seek some counselling with someone who can work with each of you separately or with the two of you together to find a resolution.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Friendship – The Foundation Stone For: ‘Till death do you part!’

Apr23
IMG_8328

 

There’s a scene at the end of the movie, ‘When Harry Met Sally’. You know the one I mean – the one that has all these old couples telling stories about how they met and fell in love and how after so many years they are still together.

These couples are so in synch with each other that they finish each others sentences. They each know the other so well, even down to what the other is going to say, so that without even talking over the top of each other you get the whole story as if it could have all come from one mouth.

This is my definition of true friendship and creates the foundation of every relationship that has lasted longer than the soft skin, the agile body and the great sex. The relationships that exist beyond sickness, beyond the bad times, and will only be severed by the death that will one day separate the couple from each other.

These relationships are ageless: they have stood the test of time. These couples have discovered something that so many of us still struggle with and that is that the love that comes from a true friendship survives all and any adversity that can be thrown at them.

How does this happen? I think there is something happening here that is maybe not present in many current relationships. This is the way these relationships began in the first place. I had a client come in some time ago, an older gentleman who lost his wife six months ago after forty years of marriage. He was grieving for her so badly he didn’t know what to do with himself. There was nothing he needed to understand or learn about this event. My role as his counselor was simply to give him a place to tell his story.

And what he told me was this: He described himself as a bit of a ‘lad’. He enjoyed the company of his mates and they spent Saturday nights out on the town drinking and partying. On occasion they would go to a dance and meet up with girls. This is how my client, let’s call him Peter, (not his real name) met the woman who would become his wife and long-time partner.

Peter was invited to a dance by his mates. There was a promise that there would be girls there and one of Peter’s mates even suggested that there was someone new to the group who Peter might fancy. This is when he first met Pip (not her real name) and instantly hit it off. The months that followed were spent going out with the group and getting to know each other more. ‘They Became Good Friends’. It was from this friendship then that their love grew. They married and made a life together.

Things are different now than they were then and I wonder when I meet people like Peter, and the loving way he speaks of Pip, and see couples like at the end of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ if there is something they knew back then that we might have lost sight of. And that might simply be that before they fell in love they first created a really great friendship.

I believe that friendship must be a precursor to a truly great relationship and become thereby the necessary foundation that will take the relationship into the future.

When I talk to couples now I ask them what they do for fun. These are the things that will create the opportunities for a friendship to flourish. Sometimes things become too serious as people get on with acquiring things in their lives instead of living their lives.

How about you – are you and your partner friends? To ascertain the answer ask yourself this question – Do I really like this person? If the answer is: ‘yes!’ then you probably have what it takes to go the long-term with him or her. If the answer is: ‘no’ then you probably need to rethink whether what you have with this person will be enough to keep you connected till ‘death do you part!’

So until next time – Relate with Love

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So Now That We Are Married – Now What?

Apr16

Married CoupleThis week’s blog could have many titles and hopefully will address many of the questions I get on the topic of ‘…so now that we are married – now what?’

Some of the questions relate to: ‘Keeping Love Alive’, ‘Holding on to the Spark’ or maybe related to the question: ‘How do we Sustain a Marriage after 10, 20 or 30+ Years?’ Sometimes the questions are just about ‘What to do from Becoming Bored’

There is so much I could say about this topic I scarcely know where to begin. The reason you become bored in relationships is that you think there is nothing more to learn about the other person or you lose the want to find out if there’s something still worthwhile knowing. In short, you become bored because you most often just don’t want to be bothered anymore.

When you first meet someone, and you don’t know them well enough yet to see the negative qualities they possess, you just want to get as much of them as you can. You want to be with them 24/7 to feel the good feelings you get just by being near them. You want to know there most personal thoughts, about everything, in your quest to prove to yourself that they really are the right person for you and so much so that they become perfect in your eyes.

And then one day you think you’ve got them figured out! From here then it’s a short step to it becoming all too much trouble.

And by the way this goes both ways – they think they’ve got you figured as well. So as you stop talking to them, they stop talking to you and you get into a stage of relationship that I call ‘Assuming your way into oblivion’.

There’s an old adage that says to ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. From there it’s a downhill slide into second guessing and taking the others needs and wants for granted.

The funny thing about this is that you unconsciously encourage this by your own expectation that if your partner truly understood you then they would know what you are thinking and thereby what you are wanting and/or needing and would somehow then just magically do it.

But guess what you aren’t a mind reader, most of us aren’t anyway, and as well as you think you might know your partner you really have no idea. You have not had his or her life experiences for one thing, you don’t process your thoughts in the same way as he or she does and therefore you will naturally respond to things differently.

So to get back to the topic at hand – if you’re not a mind reader then neither are they. The way forward then is to keep talking, stay curious and always check out what’s new for the other person. Share your thoughts and feelings with them as well and never give up.

I have met with couples that have issues that keep coming up for them. They might even have a brief conversation about it and, for a moment at least, it seems that things might change. But guess what? The issues just keep coming back again and again. And this is why: The real core of the issues were never fully understood in the first place and just as often by the person holding the issue as well as by the other trying to grapple with it.

So if you don’t get it for yourself then what hope has your partner got of getting it and consequently what hope have you got as a couple to really find a satisfactory and long-term resolution?

The answer is none.

You need to be friend to your partner as well as a lover. Never assume that you really do know what they mean when they say ‘… you know.’ The truth is if they don’t, you can’t either. Friends are interested about each others thoughts and feelings. They ask meaningful questions and listen actively to the responses. This consists of more than an ‘I understand’ and may actually require a statement about what you think you are actually hearing so that the other can confirm, or restate or expand, so that you can really get down to the truth about what they are actually saying to you.

In this way you can never get bored as there’ll always be something to talk about. And it won’t matter that you have been married for 30, 40 or even 50 years as there will always be something more to learn about that person that you’ve never known before. And just maybe there will be something to also learn about yourself.

To get you started on this quest check out the page on my website titled ‘quizzes and questionnaires’ and look for: ‘My life in 34 Questions’. Answer the questions for yourself and for your partner before sharing your answers. You might find out something you never knew before.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Forgive the Unforgivable

Apr9

It is more human to forgive

 

Has your partner made an error that has hurt you? Have you made errors that have hurt your partner?

The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to ‘step on their toes’. And being in a relationship with someone certainly puts you where this is fairly likely to happen. Relationships are a bit like ballroom dancing really! The chances are even pretty high that you and your partner could have pretty sore toes.

The point here is that it’s normal for you and your partner to make mistakes and to inadvertently step on each others toes. And as long as this is not intentional it is repairable. Like ballroom dancing, once you get the steps right the dance will flow naturally all by itself.

And, except in the case of physical abuse, (I addressed that in my blog of a couple of weeks ago) you can move on from anything. In fact, your marriage can end up even better!

I know…you’re probably thinking, ‘Better? How could it be better than before we messed it up?’

It can be better, but you have to do one thing first. You have to forgive.

What does it really mean to forgive?

Many people say, ‘I forgive you’, but continue to hold anger and resentment in their hearts. Some people even say the words, but their actions show that nothing’s changed for them at all.

Other people will say ‘I forgive you’ but what they really mean is, ‘I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.’ And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their partner. True, they may not be angry any more, but that’s because they’ve shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect.

Saying ‘I forgive you!’ is an entirely different ball game from truly forgiving.

Let’s take a closer look at the word and where it comes from. The root of the word ‘forgive’ is the Latin word ‘perdonare’ meaning: ‘to give completely without reservation’. This is also the source of our English ‘pardon’.

When the Latin ‘perdonare’ was adopted into the Germanic ancestor of English, it was translated piece-by-piece: ‘Per’ was replaced by ‘for’, a prefix that in this case means ‘thoroughly’ and ‘donare’ with ‘giefan’ (to give). The result, ‘forgiefan’, appeared in Old English meaning ‘to give up’ or ‘allow’ as well as ‘to give in marriage’.

In modern English, ‘forgive’ has also taken on the meanings of ‘to pardon for an offence’, ‘renounce anger at’ (I truly forgive you for stepping on my toes) and ‘to abandon a claim on’ (as in ‘forgive a debt’).

What then is true forgiveness? It’s when you stand as close to your partner as you stood the day your feet got stepped on. It’s when you give of yourself like you did before you were hurt.

Forgiveness might also need to be of self as well as of the other. That might sound surprising but for your partner to have stepped on your toes your toes needed to have been there to be stepped on. As the old adage says: ‘It takes two to tango!’

And, by the way, forgiveness may not be easy to do. But it is possible. You can forgive each other and move on.

And once you forgive, you’ll see that your marriage can be better than it was before.
You could even be happy that the mistake was made (in a strange way) because it allows you to realize that you might never have achieved the love you finally have without that error as your catalyst.

Did you know that when a broken bone heals it is stronger than it was before it was broken? You too can be stronger than before things broke down between you.

Did you ever make love after a big fight? Did you ever think after you made-up, ‘Hey, this is great? We should fight more often.’ Sometimes, while not an excuse to fight, the highest-highs can follow the lowest-lows. This is because in the forgiving you have come to an even more intimate place with each other.

If you are holding onto old hurts maybe it’s time for you to forgive. Give it a go it can be so liberating for you personally as well as for you as a couple.

And if you need help with this check out the ‘Quizzes and Questionnaires’ page at my site www.acouplesjourney.com .  You will discover an exercise there to help you in finding forgiveness. Alternatively, if you need further assistance in this, please find a good Counselor. The effort will reap the reward.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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