Tag Archive | responsibility

Am I Jealous Or Just Insecure?

Am I Jealous Or Just Insecure 2

 

A question I was asked recently was about the apparent need for a fiancé to continue to contact previous girlfriends. It went something like this:

“I wonder why my fiancé can’t get over with his past relationships. We’ve been together for two years and I recently found out that he was trying to reach his ex-girlfriends. It hurt me so much. I wasn’t expecting that he was the one who took the first move. We had a fight over this. The conversation was so nasty. Is it my fault? Or am I just insecure or jealous?”

I was saddened to read this as it seems to come up again and again for couples. I think the real culprit here is simply that some people, despite the fact that they no longer are in a relationship, have not yet really finished their business in those former relationships. And interestingly this can even be the case for the person who initiated the ending of the relationship in the first case.

So let’s take a closer look at what this might actually be about. As you are growing up the way you are treated by your parents and other close family, together with your observations of others in relationship, shapes the way you become as an adult in your relationships. This shaping defines what you do, think, feel and say and how you present yourself to the world.

My theory is that the resulting beliefs directs us to fall in love with people who on the surface may appear quite different from us but who underneath we unconsciously know will reaffirm the beliefs we already have about ourselves, others and relationships.

We then go on in one of two ways. We will both embrace the differences, as opportunities for learning, and take on some of those qualities becoming more whole in terms of the options we now have for responding to life’s events. The other option is that we turn against those differences as we become more fixed in our own opinions.

The problem with this is that you don’t learn anything from the experience. And as you stand fixedly in your position you run the risk of losing the relationship as the conflict between you will invariably escalate.

So what has this to do with what so often happens in future relationships?

Well there is a reason why you are attracted to all the people who come into your life. If you have finished your business with them you are more likely to come to the conclusion that you are simply not ever going to be well-matched. You can then step away from that part of your life and truly move on as you embark on another, hopefully more healthy, relationship.

The alternative is that you simply walk away from the relationship as a reaction to whatever was going on, or not going on, without ever really having learned or rationally made any sense of what actually happened and why.

You leave still angry and then go into another relationship unresolved to the previous one. Why then would you not still be attracted to those from earlier relationships as the opportunities for growth are still to be found there if only you open your eyes to it.

So for the new partner there may indeed be a sense of disconnection from this person. And while there is still some unfinished business for the other, there is also something for the new partner to learn as well. It might feel like jealousy or insecurity, and maybe the other person might like you to wear the responsibility for what might not be working in your relationship so they don’t have to. But this actuality may not be yours entirely.

The way through this is to take responsibility for what is yours, and your thoughts and feelings are your responsibility, to come to accept that you are OK. Your partner also has to take responsibility for their thoughts and feelings; to figure out what it is that s/he needs to learn to truly be able to put that old stuff aside once and for all so they can focus fully, without any distraction, on the current relationship.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Three Simple Steps to Getting Him Back

Man, Woman; Talking

Friends and the Media are full of ideas about how to get your boyfriend back after he has dumped you. Here is a sample of some of the things that I have heard and read:

“Getting your ex back is not difficult. You just have to be a bit subtle and think from the point of view of a man. Keep one thing in mind; you got him once so you can get him again.”

“Do not plead with him to get back with you. No man likes a girl who is so miserable for him, and do not do anything that is stupid, even if you are desperate to get back with him. Be patient, it might take a while for him to get back with you again.”

“Do not show him that you are desperate to get him back. Do not be a stalker. Try to be mature. If you meet him at work or at the mall, or some other place, just say hello, ask how he is, and move on. If he asks something more, answer it but then leave it at that. Neither should you start begging him to get back with you nor should you be rude. Stay calm when you meet him.”

“If he calls you then do not show that you are very thrilled to get his call, just give a mild “OKAY” expression, to show that it does not matter if he calls you or not. If he does not call, you can call him every couple of weeks just to ask how he is doing. Do not tell him with straight words that you want to get back with him.”

“Avoid calling him 10 times a day or going to his home or wherever he might be. If you do so, he will dislike you even more than before.  You have to be very subtle, you have to deliver him the message that you miss him, yet you cannot say it in words.”

The Better Way to Get Him Back

I’m not sure that any of this advice is sensible let alone the way to go when your boyfriend has left you. Here are my thoughts on the topic:

Firstly ask yourself this question and be very honest with the answer – “Given all that has happened do you really want him back?” If the answer is “no” then nothing more needs to be said. If the answer is “yes because it is just so painful to be the one left” – then check further if this is a good enough reason to fight for him to come back.

If the answer is “yes!” because you really want him to be a part of your life, then follow these three steps:

  1. Take some time firstly to figure out what went wrong so you can ensure that you don’t get into the same situation again.
  2. It might even be sensible to write down what you have learned about yourself, others, relationships and/or life that will make this breakup a positive experience rather than a negative experience.
  3. Then find some way to put into words, as openly and as honestly as you can what you understand as being your responsibility for what went wrong with a request for forgiveness of that.

When you’ve complete these three steps find a way then to deliver the message to him. This might be delivered via a card, an electronic communication or in person. As you request forgiveness of him make sure you also discover a way to forgive yourself.

Warning! Warning!

A word of caution here: the purpose of this exercise is not to obtain an apology from him nor to guilt him into coming back to you. Be genuine in your apology and know that it may or may not get him back. You need to accept whatever the outcome of that apology is. The purpose here is to find a path to clear away any baggage from the past so you open a way to the future which might be either with or without him.

Hopefully he will have followed a similar process and together you will make a good decision about whether it’s worth giving it another go or whether it really is time to move on.

And it goes without saying that the same formula applies if you are the man in this relationship where she has walked out on you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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