Tag Archive | Interpersonal relationship

Forgiving and Forgetting – How to Truly Forgive and Then Truly Forget

Feb10

Forgiving and Forgetting – How to Truly Forgive and Then Truly Forget

It constantly amazes me how some people can remember the smallest details of everything that happened around a particular event while others don’t remember clearly what happened yesterday let alone last week, last month or last year.

Actually these attributes clearly describe the difference between my life partner and me. My partner can recall events from his past as clearly as if they were happening right this minute while for me it’s more like out-of-sight-out-of-mind.

There is an upside and a downside though for each of these positions. For my partner the upside is his brilliant recall allows him to remember the wonderful people we’ve met and the places we’ve been to on our many journeys around the world. The downside for him is that he finds it hard to let go of past hurts often holding grudges which should have been let go of long ago as they prevent him from fully enjoying the company of friends and acquaintances.

For me though, as I forget about old wrongdoings so easily I sometimes also forget the lessons I should have learned and have to learn them again. On the good side I don’t tend to hold grudges as I move on quickly putting old hurts behind me. The appearance to others of me is that I harbor no bad thoughts of people and I truly can forgive and forget.

So all of this got me thinking about “forgiving and forgetting” and the benefits and disadvantages of doing this when someone has crossed you.

Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for a wrongdoing but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression you aren’t truly forgiving them. I qualify this by adding that ‘forgetting the transgression’ is really quite different from forgetting that it ever happened. It’s about not harboring the bad feelings associated with an event but instead becoming neutral to it.

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be completely justified but it’s important to truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.

It is imperative that you realize that the actions of the other person may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not beneficial to your relationship.

While your feelings of hurt of anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering forgiveness may help you to forget your partner’s words or actions. If you rush to offer forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing.

You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you. It is also important to speak to your partner about why they committed the offense against you. It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did.

Giving them the chance to express their side of the situation will give you a better understanding of why they acted the way they did. You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally. Allowing the other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see their motives.

Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive and forget.

This kind of forgiveness can only be achieved by understanding your own feelings as well as those of the person who wronged you. It requires you to express your feelings in a rational way, realizing that your relationship is more important than being right. It might also include accepting the other’s apology whether this is your partner’s, your friend’s or a collective of people.

Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are able to speak about your feelings in a rational manner. It’s best to wait until both you and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner than to rush in and come to regret something said or done.

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you value being right in a disagreement. While you may be completely right in a situation, being right is not worth destroying the relationship over.

If you are able to put your love for your partner ahead of the need for being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget. Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue to flourish simply because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your partner’s apology. Harboring feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the relationship because you will never forget their offending action.

Listen sincerely to your partner’s apology and have faith in them that their apology is heartfelt and genuine. Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation interfere with your future interactions.

True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively forgetting it as well. You cannot truly forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget the offence. Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the offence.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Are You Relationship Prepared?

Feb1

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

 

Are You Relationship Prepared?

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Love at First Sight – Reality or Just a Fantasy?

Jan28

Love at First Sight

 

You never get a second chance at making a great first impression. Research has shown us that you make a decision within the first 10 seconds of meeting someone about whether you like them, or not, and about whether you want to pursue a relationship with them or really can’t be bothered at all.

After that it really is just confirming that your first impression was actually correct which then makes it almost impossible to change.

In truth you’re not much different to those in the animal world. For example when two cats meet each other for the first time they, just as quickly as we do, decide if the other cat is a threat to them or not. If the other cat is perceived as a threat then the first cat will hiss and snarl at the second. The second cat then is likely to bristle up, in an attempt to make it appear larger, at the reaction of the first in a show of aggression and for preparing it for fight or flight.

If on the other hand the first cat feels no threat he will more likely go up to the other cat and “sniff” him. If the response is positive then you may be surprised to watch them nudging each other with their bodies and licking each other while purring contentedly.

We are just animals after all!

Humans are really not much different. And, just as cats, you also use all of your senses, including your sense of smell, to assess in a flash how you feel about this other person.

Allan Pease in his book, “Body Language” notes some of the physical attributes of humans as they respond to meeting another person for the first time. These physical attributes may be different depending on whether your first assessment is positive or negative.

Allan Pease speaks about how you position your body. If you like the person your body will be more open in posture and pointed towards the other person. Obviously you will be more likely to smile, to show that you are not threatening in any way. And did you know that your pupils also enlarge making you potentially irresistibly attractive.

If you like the look of the other person you are even likely to expose to the other person the softer parts of your body. This is particularly so for women and may include the inside of your wrists or your necks. Men, you are more likely to direct her attention to your “manhood” by standing akimbo with your hands tucked into your belt or in some other pose that reflects how strong and manly you are.

These responses are all spontaneous, that is done without your even knowing it because they are part of a very primitive reaction that taught you very quickly and intuitively what to and what not to do to attract attention as you wanted it or not.

So what is there to learn from this?

Simply this – you can learn to manage theses responses and use them to your advantage. Obviously it’s important to watch out for any threatening signals from the other that would let you know that this is someone you should not be with. But if you feel safe then go ahead and enjoy playing the game.

What is the name of the game?

It’s nothing more than simple “flirtation”, and if you know what you are doing it can be a great party game. And if the first impression is a good one then the “fall” into love is simply irresistible.

The magic of this first meeting will be forever remembered and cherished as a promise to “happy ever after”. This is of course a fantasy but one you are all too eager to get into again and again and again. So much so that some of you may even come to realize you are addicted to it and will go from one relationship to another seeking more of the good feelings that those first moments produce.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Ask the Relationship Guru

Jan26

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

 

Ask the Relationship Guru

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Is Your Partner Your Best-Friend?

Jan13

Best Friends

 

How important is it in marriage that your partner is also your best friend?

For me the most important part of being married is that you do consider your partner to also be your best friend: There for you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. And who but a best friend would do that?

Maybe this could even mean that if your partner is not your best friend then they will probably not be around long as your partner either.

“I have never thought of any of my partners as best friends and have ‘separate’ best friends all along.”

I wonder when I hear a statement like this what sort of relationship this person has with their partner and how this might actually vary from their relationship with their best friend.

And while having said that, this actually might become the case in the nitty-gritty of relationships when there may be certain things that I might discuss with a best friend, sometimes even about my partner, that I would not share with my partner, as well as there being certain things I might talk with my partner about, sometimes even about my friends, that I would not share with my friends.

But when it comes to the really important things like making decisions that affects us both, or when it comes to exposing the very most vulnerable part of ourselves then your partner is fairly likely the only person who would ever see that and know about that part of you.

Can your partner be more hurtful than friends?

This is probably why it is that your partner can hurt you the most and often even more so than friends. While friends can disappoint you, in their misuse of the trust you place in them, by sharing something that was meant for them only, your partner can do much more harm by knowing what your weak spot is and by hitting you there the hardest.

And for those of you who really struggle with your relationship with your partner, even to the point of trusting your best friends more, then something is seriously wrong with your relationship that needs to be addressed if your relationship is going to make it long-term.

What is worth remembering here is that sometimes the issues that are present in your current relationship stem from your life experience growing up as you observed your own parents’ struggle with their relationship. Often fear is brought with you from those earlier experiences that lead you to distrust your partner, just as your mum or dad may have distrusted their partner. As you witness that you make decisions from what you’ve seen or heard that then becomes your guide into your own adult relationships.

So if this is you and you are struggling with your relationship: if you hesitate allowing your partner to be your best friend then maybe it’s time to take a closer look at what is really going on in this relationship.

An important Postscript

Let me just add this: there are, of course, relationships that cannot be considered in this way as they are with individuals who are abusive of you. If this is your situation then you might need to make a decision about whether you can be in this relationship at all. You may also need to make a decision for your safety that allows you to find a way out that doesn’t leave you more vulnerable to your partner’s abuse. This is a time when your friends really can become more important; as a support for you during such a difficult time. I’ll say more about this on another day.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Why Do Some People Shy Away From Love?

Jan6

Why Do Some People Shy Away From LoveA question I received just recently was from a young man who said that he falls in love at the drop of a hat, or maybe that should read heart, and then just as quickly feels an equally strong need to withdraw from the relationship when it gets to the part that she is asking for more of a commitment.

I was told that everything is just great until the moment it seems that the woman starts to ask questions like ‘where are we going?’ at which time he gets an overwhelming sense of dread and a need to just pull out of the relationship. He says he just wants to ‘run with fear!’

So the question is: ‘why, when everything looks and feels perfect, does he do this?’

The answer can be found in his statement: ‘run with fear!’ because it is fear that is driving it. So without an opportunity to explore his background further the answer maybe either in a past experience between someone who was very important to him, such as his parents, or from a previous experience of his own in which he might have been deeply hurt and has not yet fully recovered.

All our past experiences affect how we respond to what is happening to us now. So if our past experiences have been positive then so will our present experiences be positive and if our past experiences have been negative so will our present experiences be unless we have taken the time to review those experiences, learned what we need to learn from them to ensure a comfort within ourselves that we will not make the same mistakes again.

When we have done this satisfactorily then we can enter into new experiences without the past impacting on the outcome. And sometimes we need some extra help with this and that is where counselling can play a truly valuable role.

I often wonder when I hear people say that there is no such thing as love. The reason for such thinking is that, most likely they have been deceived by someone in the past, so they become cynical and begin to say that love does not exist.

They do so because they do not want to get hurt again, but in saving themselves, they hurt many other people by first getting into a relationship and then shying away telling their partner  that they do not love them when what they probably really want to say is simply: ‘I’m scared’.

If this describes you take a good look inside of yourself and be really honest with yourself. Is this about no love or is this really that you are scared. If it is because you are scared help is at hand. No-one should spend their days alone because of something that happened a long time ago.

And if it really is that you think that you just want to spend some time with someone, and not really commit to a relationship, then you should let the other person know that you are not into anything serious and that you will not commit to them. You should tell this to them in the beginning, rather than breaking their heart afterwards.

If you are not in love then you cannot be happy in a relationship because the relationship does not really exist. To get the most out of your life and out of your relationship firstly do the work you need to do to be finished with any past relationships and then open your heart and your soul to all the joy that true love, without any fear, can offer you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Will I Be Able To Love Again?

Dec30

beautiful

 

This is the question that comes up for us when we have lost love. This might be as a consequence of our partner saying they no longer wish to be with us or if they have betrayed us in some way such as in having an affair.

It’s nothing short of absolutely miserable when you are deceived by the one you put all your love in; all your faith and trust in.

So the real question here might be: Do you think that people can love again after they have been left or betrayed? The answer is absolutely yes!

Firstly that one person who betrayed you was not the last human being on earth. There are plenty more. And there are those who are worthy of your love and who will truly love you in return. And sometimes you just have to make a decision to move on.

Do you want to continue to offer your love to the person who cheated you?

Sometimes your love is so strong that it can forgive anything. Even the greatest betrayals just feel like trivial deceptions because of your love. Ask yourself if your love is strong enough that it can forgive and if you can, you should forgive and then decide what you must do from there.

In order to get past whatever it was that halted us we actually do need to find forgiveness before we can decide if there is a way to continue in the relationship. And sometimes in finding that forgiveness we must decide to move on.

Even if you think they do not deserve forgiveness, its fine, but you should not keep your heart from the beautiful feeling called love and the only way you can do that is through true forgiveness.

Love is such a feeling that if a person does not find it, it finds the person. Just don’t put up walls around yourself because someone deceived or betrayed you. The really critical thing here is learn from your past mistakes so that the time in that relationship has not been wasted.

You should be careful next time, do not make the mistakes that gave the other the liberty to deceive you. Learn from your previous relationship. The first time you got deceived you were a learner. The second time you get deceived you really need to now look inside to check if you might be drawing that kind of person to yourself in some way.

However, it does not mean that from the fear of deception, you draw back from love. The way forward is to know that you deserve better and to accept then nothing less from those around you.

And check yourself for any grudges you might be harboring. These need to be dealt with before you can move on. Don’t punish yourself by not trying again at love. Open your heart and soul and allow your love and the love of another to ‘complete you’.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You!”?

Dec2

What If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You!”?

The phrase “I love you!” is a very important one for couples to hear from each other and especially so when the relationship is moving from a casual acquaintance to a more permanent one. It is like the official announcement that he, or she, really is in love with you and through these words is making a commitment for a long-term relationship.

But sometimes, and maybe particularly men, can take a long time to say “I love you!”. This can be for a variety of reasons

Maybe he is too shy to say “I love you!”, or maybe he is afraid that you might reject him.

On the other hand he might simply be afraid of commitment, as for many, saying these words is as good as saying “I want to be with you for the rest of our lives!” and that might just be too much for some men to contemplate.

Another reason why he might not have said “I love you!” is because he has grown up in a home where these words were never, or very rarely, uttered so they are simply not common to his language. And sometimes there might be no reason at all – it just hasn’t crossed his mind to say it even if you have.

I also know that there are some men who feel that if they say it because you said it then it might feel more like it’s been coerced out of them and doesn’t feel right because it has not been offered on their own accord.

If this is your issue, and you really want to know the truth, the best thing you can do is simply to ask him openly if he does love you. Of course, it might hurt your ego if he says something like “everything is just fine between us” or worse “Why did you have to ask that question? You just went and spoilt it all.”

If the latter is the case – be warned! He is most likely with you just for the good time and nothing more. In such a case, you then need to decide if you really want to stay with him, but if he does not love you, it might be time to leave him and move on.

But what if you have been in a relationship for some time and he still hasn’t said “I love you!”. What if he is reluctant or evasive even about answering your question or says something like “Of Course I do, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t” but still refuses to say the words? It would be very natural for you to be worried.

“Does he really love me?”

You may find yourself repeatedly asking the question of yourself – “Does he really love me?” In such a situation, you should certainly take a really close look at what is going on and ask yourself whether this is a relationship you really want to be in.

If the answer is not then maybe, no matter how you feel, it really is time to move on. Love is a two-way street and so both of you need to be in it fully if it’s going to last forever. Relationships simply cannot last if only one person is committed and saying the words “I love you!”

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Does Unconditional Love Exist?

Nov11

Unconditional Love

There’s a saying I’ve heard, and possibly even said myself, which suggests that the only love that is unconditional is the love of a mother for her newborn baby. The adage goes on to say that maybe this only lasts twenty-four hours or until your first sleepless night.

To answer this question let’s firstly look at what is ‘unconditional love’. Put simply, and as the words would imply, unconditional love is love that is given without the expectation of anything in return.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is the love that is given in response to love received and generally has attached to it something like… “I will love you as long as ….” The conclusion to this phrase might be about something I get from you or something you do for me so might end with “… you take care of me” or “… you give me what I want.”

It would be someone exceptional to truly love when nothing comes back.

Using this definition then it would be someone exceptional to truly love when nothing comes back.

Have you ever seen unconditional love? For most of you, unconditional love is probably just a fairy tale myth which doesn’t exist.  For many, love alone has become like a ghost – “everybody talks of it and only a few have seen it”. When you tell someone you love them, most of the time they will be waiting for the “what’s next”, saying there is no such thing as love so there has to be an ulterior motive for someone saying it.

However in this mean and self-centered world, you can still find those people who love, and there are many I’ve seen who truly do love unconditionally. I believe I see it everyday in parents and their children, community carers and their charges, those who offer a variety of professional help and their clients/patients and between family members of each other.

I think the ultimate qualifier here is in the willingness of one person to put themselves at risk of discomfort for the wellbeing of another.

So to answer the question in debate, I believe that love can be divided into two groups depending on its foundation. Love, that has gratitude at its roots, and love that does not spring from gratitude.

First, I will explain love that has gratitude at its roots. We might develop love towards someone because they are kind to us, may be they did us a favor, or they provided us with something, when we were in need. There can be a million reasons for loving people. Such is the love that comes from gratitude; maybe this really cannot be called love at all. Maybe it is just a deep sense of appreciation of one for another. And because there’s often a power difference here, that is someone has something, an object or a skill that the other doesn’t, such feelings and the sense of love can never really be unconditional. This is love, which has a reason.

Now, how does love spring without gratitude? Sometimes we like someone’s innocence so much that we begin to love their innocence, sometimes we fall in love with someone because of their simplicity or as I have already alluded to it is simply that of one person for another without any expectation of reciprocation.

Therefore, yes unconditional love does exist, but maybe is far too rare. The most notable thing about unconditional love is that it has no explanations, no reasons, no apologies and no gratitude. You just love, love and love, because you love. There is no reason for your love. Hence it is called unconditional love.

In another article I’ll speak about how you can find unconditional love in your relationships.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Is Marriage Going Out Of Style?

Nov4

rings

You may already know that I have four children, all adults, who are starting to look at entering into long term relationships now that their childhood has passed them by.

Accordingly two of my sons have now ‘tied the knot’ having done so in the last couple of weeks and it left me with the question: Is getting married still the ultimate goal for this generation or is it, as I was believing, going out of style?

My thinking was that this generation, probably more than any other in history has been witness to their mother and father’s liberation as a consequence of the changes in family law that has happened, in Australia at least, during the 1970’s. The new laws allowed for ‘no fault’ divorce and as a consequence there was a rapid rise in divorces for the rest of that decade.

Up until that time for a couple to divorce it needed to be for a reason. This often led to couples creating reasons or one or other of the couple ‘taking the heat’, so to speak, in order for there to be good grounds for divorce. In this regard they would accept an allegation of adultery in order to get the application accepted by the court.

This certainly was not fair or honest and left many couples, and families, in distress as a consequence.

‘Happy Ever After’

So my belief was that possibly this situation tainted our children’s view of marriage and the notion of ‘happy ever after’.

But maybe not so! As I chatted with the guests at my children’s weddings, I was curious about this and so asked several young people the question. The responses, I must say, surprised and delighted me as I was challenged to put aside my own preconceptions and cynicisms about whether young adults today thought differently about marriage than my generation might.

Following my conversations with many of these young people I was astonished to hear that not only did they believe in ‘happy ever after’ but wanted to seal it in their marriage vows.

Not only that but I also discovered a refreshing interest in this generation of wanting to learn the skills necessary to make their relationships work with a strong commitment to that as an outcome.

I was so happy to hear that, especially in terms of where my work is now taking me, being into the area of pre-marital coaching.

Let me then invite all of you, whether you are going into a marriage or are already in one, and who wants to make your relationship the best it can be to head on over to my website and check out the quizzes page. There you’ll find a questionnaire titled ‘Are you ready to be in a relationship?’ It’s free! Complete it and let me know how you went.

Pre-marriage Program

If you want to extend yourself further check out this page: ‘Pre-marriage Program’ where you’ll be introduced to an in-depth analysis of your relationship and an answer to your question about whether you have what it takes to make your relationship last your lifetime.

Interesting – the one thing I didn’t hear my children say to their new spouses was that they would be there ‘til death do them part. I think this was as it should be as I don’t think its right to promise something for some time in the future when we really don’t know what that future will be or how we will be in it. I’ll say more about that in another blog.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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