Tag Archive | unconditional love

How to Find Unconditional Love in Your Relationships?

Nov18

Unconditional LoveI’ve already addressed in another article what is unconditional love but let’s review. Put simply, and as the words would imply, unconditional love is love that is given without the expectation of anything in return.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is the love that is given in response to love received and generally has attached to it something like… “I will love you as long as ….”. The conclusion to this phrase might be about something I get from you or something you do for me, so might end with “… you take care of me.” or “ … you give me what I want.”

In that article the question I was addressing was whether unconditional love actually exists. My conclusion was – ‘absolutely’ and not just in the form of a mother’s love for a child but of one person towards another whether that person is a partner, a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or just someone you pass on the street that you don’t know or might never pass by again.

So in this article I want to take this notion one step further to discuss how to find unconditional love in your relationships as they can be in all the above circumstances.

And here it is – the answer pure and simple lies in your capacity to forgive. That might be a small word but upon its shoulders lays the salvation of the world.

And here’s the most critical factor in this notion – it’s not the world that we need to focus on here but on what we do in our most private moments with those most close to us.

When I was little I was taught to admit to and then say ‘sorry’ when I committed an offence. I was told that this was the way to my salvation. I have never, and still don’t, doubt the truth of this. And while this was and still can be a hard task to complete, I have come to realize that forgiving myself and/or another may even be a harder ask. And, as I have already stated, may actually be even more important for our world’s survival.

So here is my strategy to offering forgiveness and finding unconditional love in our relationships, even if the other hasn’t asked for it, or I don’t believe that they, or I, deserve it.

The 7 Steps to Forgiveness

  1. Identify your emotions and at least express them to yourself
  2. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict
  3. Accept the other person, and yourself, as they and you are and let go of any need or want for revenge
  4. Forgive yourself as you take your learning from the situation to ensure you don’t repeat it
  5. Have the desire to express forgiveness either out loud if appropriate or at least in your mind
  6. Meet with the person involved if possible or imagine them being with you
  7. Make a connection with a past event that might have been similar and ensure that there is nothing residual there that needs forgiveness as well.

Try the exercise and if you need help with it there are more details of the exercise at my website under the heading of ‘quizzes and questionnaires’. And if you are really stuck speak with someone professionally.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Does Unconditional Love Exist?

Nov11

Unconditional Love

There’s a saying I’ve heard, and possibly even said myself, which suggests that the only love that is unconditional is the love of a mother for her newborn baby. The adage goes on to say that maybe this only lasts twenty-four hours or until your first sleepless night.

To answer this question let’s firstly look at what is ‘unconditional love’. Put simply, and as the words would imply, unconditional love is love that is given without the expectation of anything in return.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is the love that is given in response to love received and generally has attached to it something like… “I will love you as long as ….” The conclusion to this phrase might be about something I get from you or something you do for me so might end with “… you take care of me” or “… you give me what I want.”

It would be someone exceptional to truly love when nothing comes back.

Using this definition then it would be someone exceptional to truly love when nothing comes back.

Have you ever seen unconditional love? For most of you, unconditional love is probably just a fairy tale myth which doesn’t exist.  For many, love alone has become like a ghost – “everybody talks of it and only a few have seen it”. When you tell someone you love them, most of the time they will be waiting for the “what’s next”, saying there is no such thing as love so there has to be an ulterior motive for someone saying it.

However in this mean and self-centered world, you can still find those people who love, and there are many I’ve seen who truly do love unconditionally. I believe I see it everyday in parents and their children, community carers and their charges, those who offer a variety of professional help and their clients/patients and between family members of each other.

I think the ultimate qualifier here is in the willingness of one person to put themselves at risk of discomfort for the wellbeing of another.

So to answer the question in debate, I believe that love can be divided into two groups depending on its foundation. Love, that has gratitude at its roots, and love that does not spring from gratitude.

First, I will explain love that has gratitude at its roots. We might develop love towards someone because they are kind to us, may be they did us a favor, or they provided us with something, when we were in need. There can be a million reasons for loving people. Such is the love that comes from gratitude; maybe this really cannot be called love at all. Maybe it is just a deep sense of appreciation of one for another. And because there’s often a power difference here, that is someone has something, an object or a skill that the other doesn’t, such feelings and the sense of love can never really be unconditional. This is love, which has a reason.

Now, how does love spring without gratitude? Sometimes we like someone’s innocence so much that we begin to love their innocence, sometimes we fall in love with someone because of their simplicity or as I have already alluded to it is simply that of one person for another without any expectation of reciprocation.

Therefore, yes unconditional love does exist, but maybe is far too rare. The most notable thing about unconditional love is that it has no explanations, no reasons, no apologies and no gratitude. You just love, love and love, because you love. There is no reason for your love. Hence it is called unconditional love.

In another article I’ll speak about how you can find unconditional love in your relationships.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What is Unconditional Love and Where Do I Get It?

Mar18

Love

I think this is a brilliant question. It’s about the difference between Unconditional Love and Conditional Love.

I’ll come back to this question in a moment. Let me first tell you a story.

Barb, aged twenty-one, and Baz, aged twenty-four, have known each other for several years and are planning to marry someday soon. Both of them are still discovering who each other is and, like all young couples, have certainly had their fair share of ups and downs.

Barb has had some questions more recently about whether Baz really loves her while Baz is having his own concerns about Barb’s seeming constant need for attention. It seems that Baz is starting to pull away somewhat as he claims his own life back while Barb is feeling her self-esteem is being challenged.

In truth Barb and Baz are a fairly normal couple and are doing exactly what all normal couples should be doing at this stage of their relationship. Having passed through the “honeymoon” stage of their relationship, where everything is rosy and it feels like you have found your soul mate, you are now going through the stage where you actually can see each other warts and all.

This is now the stage when you are making the decision about whether you like each enough to want to spend the rest of your life together. It is the stage where you must separate somewhat from each other as you reclaim your identity separate from each other. Normally this also means that one of you will start the process before the other as the pull will be stronger for one of you over the other.

It is also a time where relationships are either made or results in you separating fully from each other because of the impact of this stage on your self-esteem.

There are many questions being asked at this time not just about your compatibility but also about whether you are committed enough to this relationship to continue to work on it as you work on your own personal growth.

As you both go through this mini separation you also are challenged by the learning that maybe you don’t know each other as well as you may have once thought and indeed at times it might seem like you don’t really know each other at all.

The difference between conditional and unconditional love is that conditional love has some proviso attached to it: “I’ll love you if …” Sometimes this is actually spoken out loud but as often it is just a silent thought, maybe only heard unconsciously.

Unconditional love is love that is given regardless. It has been said that the only time we really experience unconditional love is just after our birth and even then maybe only for as long as our mother and father are able to stay awake till they need to get to sleep themselves from exhaustion.

You then spend the rest of your life searching for that unconditional love again most often to no avail until you meet the love of your life. And even that only lasts for a short time before it too seems to be taken away.

And that’s when you are left with questions like the following: “When you ask your partner to hold you, and they do, are they holding you just because you asked them to or because they want to?”

In our fairy tale world we would like our partners to instinctively know what we want and provide it unconditionally. We are still seeking our mother substitute.

The sad thing is if we believe this we will never enter into a relationship at all. This is for the simple reason that there is no-one in the world who can know you as well as your mother did when she gave birth to you. Your very survival depended on her knowing what you needed and to understand what every utterance you made meant before even you did.

As adults, we are no longer connected with another human being that way, and it would be unhealthy if we did, which also means that if you want something from your partner you will have to ask for it or else they won’t know.

If they then fulfil your request don’t look too deeply into the reason why, just accept it as a sign of their unconditional love for you for which you need do nothing in return other than give them your love unconditionally when they request something specifically from you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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