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Tag Archive | relationship
To Commit or Not To Commit
Men who are truly OK in their masculinity, find a woman, truly OK in her femininity, simply irresistible.
I met with a couple yesterday, let’s call them George and Sarah, (not their real names) who just seemed so typical of many young couples I meet these days.
George is a healthy young man who, now in his mid thirties, has had a lot of freedom in his life to pursue his own interests. These have often been around ‘boy’ things like cars and football, and much of his adult life has been around satisfying his wants for the moment without too much concern for the future. He has a great job and sufficient income to support a good life so, in his own mind, really wants for nothing.
Sarah is a healthy young woman who is in her late twenties; a career woman with a brilliant future, and, as well, with her sites very focused clearly on her future, not only in terms of career, but also in terms of relationship and possibly even a family.
Sarah and George have now been in a relationship for over a year and they came to see me because they are in a rut not seeming to be going anywhere. For him it’s about feeling that she is asking for more than he feels he can give right now. And for her it’s a desperate want to feel safe in this relationship with the knowledge that it really is going somewhere.
Maybe the real struggle here relates to commitment and even though it might seem that this may be more of an issue for him it might be for her as well.
Let me explain this. What I see when a couple presents with this sort of issue is maybe nothing more than good old-fashioned FEAR! So, I hear you say, I can see why he might be fearful, given that he is potentially being asked to give up some of his free and easy lifestyle, but how is that showing in her?
My thought on this is simply this: If someone needs to be constantly reassured by another to feel truly OK within themselves, then it may come from a lack of OK within themselves in the first place. The danger then is this; what it is you want most and fear not getting, because of a belief within yourself that you are not deserving of this thing, in this case being love and commitment, may actually create a ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ and indeed result in the loss of that thing after all.
Wow!!! Is that a head spinner or what? You might need to read that through several times to actually get what I’m saying.
And here’s my final thought on this topic of commitment. Some Fear, as long as it doesn’t hinder us to such an extent of inaction, can be a good thing really and, from my perspective, may be even a necessary part of the process of making a commitment to another in relationship. If we really value ourselves and each other and make our relationships important enough then they deserve serious consideration before jumping in boots and all.
My advice for George and Sarah? Given that they seem to be well-matched, even though there are also many differences, for him my suggestion was to jump in and do whatever to let her know that, beside himself, she is the most important thing in his life. This means that he makes her even more important than his mates and his job and all the other things that might distract him from being truly present in this relationship.
And for her? Maybe she needs simply to come to believe that she is the best thing that has ever come into his life and trust that if she truly believes that and acts accordingly the validation she seeks will then naturally be there for her.
As the old saying goes: Sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway!
You may agree or disagree with what I have said here. Either way let me know how it strikes you by responding in the “Comments’ link at the bottom of this blog.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Are You in a Domestic Violence Relationship and How to Change It?
It Is Never OK To Hurt another Human Being
I want to say right upfront that there is never an excuse for Domestic Violence or any shame in being in a relationship where you are a victim of Domestic Violence. You are not alone. The number of people exposed to Domestic Violence is as much as 30% worldwide and it needs to stop.
I’ll say more about that in a moment. Firstly I think it might be helpful to define what Domestic Violence is:
Domestic or Family Violence occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically harm the other partner.
It is important to note that violence happens in many different forms within relationships. It can be perpetrated by a male or female partner however the vast majority of domestic violence is reported to be committed by men against women. Abuse happens to people from every age group, income and educational level and religious and cultural background.
You do not have to be physically hurt to be abused, nor is it ever too late to seek assistance. This means that Domestic Violence can be categorized into several forms.
Here is a list of the different types of Domestic Violence:
- Physical Abuse includes direct harm against a person, their child, pet or property and includes hitting, slapping, punching, choking, pushing, being thrown against a wall, being hit with objects or injured by weapons.
- Sexual Abuse is any type of forced or unwanted sexual behaviour between adults.
- Emotional or Psychological Abuse is similar to verbal abuse. It can leave a person feeling that the relationship problems are their fault. Someone who leaves their partner alone at home or caring for children while the partner goes off to have an affair or live their lives separately could be a victim of this kind of abuse.
- Verbal Abuse is the use of critical or insulting language or continual put-downs, threats or criticisms.
- Financial Abuse involves the unequal control of money in a relationship, by making a person dependent upon the perpetrator for money, taking a person’s money or threatening a person for money.
- Social Abuse is when the victim is denied contact with friends or family who may be able to offer support. Some victims are also made to account for everything they do and everywhere they go.
You Can Change the Situation If You Know Why Domestic Violence Occurs
Hurting someone usually results from being angry, but anger is a secondary emotion. This means that the anger is usually just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what the real feelings are underneath the anger. Often people react angrily when they feel embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, guilty, stupid, sad, fearful or incompetent. These feelings are primary emotions hidden under the surface which need to be identified if any change is going to happen.
Living in a domestically violent household is not easy. However for some leaving a domestically violent household can be even more difficult. So if you find yourself in such a situation go and seek help and if this cannot be with your partner at least take yourself. Sometimes you might be powerless to change your partner but you can change yourself.
And if you are the one who is responsible for Domestic Violence help is at hand. Take yourself to see a professional Counselor. They will not judge you. They really can help you.
Many people fear believing that they might be in a Domestic Violence relationship and some are not sure if what they are experiencing is in fact Domestic Violence. If this sounds like you and you would like to find out if your relationship is an abusive one go to my website at www.acouplesjourney.com and click on the ‘quiz’s and questionnaire’s’ link and complete the assessment titled “Domestic Violence Assessment”. If the assessment indicates that you are at risk please make sure you seek professional help before taking any action.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Have You A Question About Relationships That You Really Want An Answer To?
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Can I Ever Trust Her Again?
People make mistakes. Sometimes people make big mistakes and sometimes people make mistakes that regrettably follow them for the rest of their lives. This week’s article is about whether when someone has made a mistake it is possible to ever trust them again.
The short answer is because everyone makes mistakes they should be given a second chance to redeem themselves.
This however has qualifiers – sometimes those mistakes are so big that they are unrecoverable.
So where is the cut-off point?
Maybe a more appropriate question would be to learn about the values that underpin a person’s actions. If those values are sound then it might be entirely appropriate to forgive and get on with it. And maybe this can only be discerned by looking at their behaviour overall rather than just one isolated behaviour.
Let me put this into an example.
Dale, not her real name, is engaged to Allan, not his real name either. Dale is committed to Allan and is looking forward to being married and all that comes with the promise of forever. Dale and Allan still live separately from each other though spend most weekends together. One Friday night Dale is out having drinks with some of her work colleagues as it is a regular Friday night activity. They all have had a few drinks and are enjoying each other’s company.
One of Dale’s male work colleagues makes a pass at her and she responds in an innocently flirtatious way. Finally the night comes to an end and everyone goes their separate ways except for Dale and the office flirt. On the pretence of escorting Dale to her car and realizing that maybe neither of them are fit to drive he offers to walk Dale home.
She accepts the offer and once there welcomes him in for a night-cap before he heads on his way. However one thing leads to another and the two end up sleeping together. Afterwards, when they are sober again, they are both remorseful and vow not to let it happen again.
Sometime later Dale tells Allan of the indiscretion. Needless to say Allan is shocked and disappointed and now unsure if Dale might do this again.
So is this enough of a violation for Allan to sever his relationship with Dale and to not go ahead with the marriage?
In truth only Allan can really answer this question as he now needs to decide whether this is too great a violation for him to be able to find forgiveness and move on. The questions that Allan may need to ask himself may include questions about whether this was indeed a single moment of thoughtlessness or is it a pattern that distinguishes Dale’s values from his own.
Allan may also need to determine the degree of the remorse insofar as whether Dale sees what she has done as indeed a slip or whether her value of monogamy is not as strong as Allan’s.
Allan might actually get more clarity about this by observing Dale’s parents and other family members and what their actions say about the value that they may have passed onto Dale regarding fidelity and trustworthiness.
If after discussions with Dale and a clear understanding of what it was that prompted the infidelity Allan can then make a good decision for their future together.
One thing that Allan should remember here is that it is his life he is making a decision on and this decision is for him to make alone with Dale. Everyone will have their own opinion but to ensure that neither Allan nor Dale should have any regrets they need to make any decision about their futures together for themselves and themselves only.
The other action which would be futile and negative to this relationship is to confront the office flirt who may or may not have taken conscious advantage of Dale. I hear so often people saying that the error was someone else’s. The truth is that we, like Dale, must all assume responsibility for our own actions, all of them.
So can we ever trust again after there has been an indiscretion?
After deciding that it was really only an indiscretion and not reflective of a regular pattern of someone’s way of being then maybe Allan should just move on if for no other reason then that people will make mistakes and everyone deserves to be forgiven so that life can be continued.
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”
The Blame Game
Is It Her or Is It Me?
Couples invariably get to some point in their relationship when they start asking questions about whether any issues that they have, have to do with them, each other or some external factor.
Some of the questions that are asked can be about religion, culture or even age differences as a way of understanding why they are in trouble.
While these differences may impact on the development and growth of a relationship they are not the most important issues as there are just as many relationships with these differences that are successful.
And even in relationships that have no significant distinguishing variances there can be issues that result in the relationship not working.
So if it’s not the differences that ultimately put the greatest pressure on a relationship what is it then?
In all the years that I have worked with couples what I see as the single biggest destroyer of relationships is the “BLAME GAME”. It’s the individual’s unwillingness to take responsibility in their part of what went wrong.
Let me ask you a question – have you ever found yourself saying that if only your partner would be, do, think or speak differently then everything would be ok. Well what about you? What if you would be, do, think or speak differently what do you think would happen?
I constantly surprise clients when they contact me saying that they’d love to come into counselling but their partner doesn’t want to. What I tell them is to: “Just bring yourself into counselling. We can do couples work without your partner ever have to be there”. Then they’re further surprised when they notice things actually changing for them when they put into practice the things I suggest to them to do.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
Top of this list of things you can do is to STOP THE BLAME GAME! Everything that your partner does happens for a reason and you are as much a part of that reason as they are.
Firstly they learned, either by observation of their parents are other close family members, or from their own life experience, what to do and how to act when they are in conflict. For some of you this might be to go quiet and withdraw, yell louder than your partner, or distract yourself with something, or someone else.
So when you are in conflict as an adult your tendency will be to return to those old ways of responding. And as you do it your way your partner will do it their way.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Relationship Release – The Easiest Way to Leave Your Lover
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Relationship Release – Is Your Relationship in Serious Trouble?
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For When All But Hope Is Gone
So often I meet with couples who are on the brink of separation. It seems that even while there might still be a skerrick of hope they don’t know what to do about it and decide to separate because they simply can’t see any other way out.
Here is one question that came to me recently that follows this line.
“I have been married for ten years. In the tenth anniversary month, we are in the process of splitsville. One thing we both agree with is that the challenges “do not appear insurmountable”. But guess what, we just have not been able to crack. … No outings, limited intimacy living like roommates. At the moment we are getting ready for court, we are on the brink, what do we do, given that there is a sliver of hope?”
Deciding whether or not to end a relationship is just as hard as being left. Although you may be very dissatisfied or wonder if you have any love left, you may be reluctant to really make a break.
Tormenting yourself over whether or not to continue the relationship may interfere with looking at the changes you need to make in yourself. Don’t count on a new partner to take away any underlying insecurity you might have.
Before making the final decision to stay or leave, consider the following:
Do not expect yourself to feel love for your partner when you are feeling resentful. These two emotions are virtually incompatible. If you are feeling resentful at all you deal with that first. If you can’t talk to your partner about this just yet, speak to a professional Counsellor first to defuse it before it becomes too big to manage and it overwhelms you.
Imagine yourself living with your partner on even days and living apart on odd days. Contemplate what it feels like in each of these scenarios to test whether it feels more right to be together or to be separate.
Do not let anyone pressure you into a decision. Only you can make the correct choice for you. If you are not ready to make it just yet then it’s best to pause making any decision until you are ready. It might mean that your partner will make their own decision to separate in the meanwhile and if this happens you will have to accept the consequences.
I teach my clients a strategy which I call “Traffic Light”
Red stands for ‘stop’. So when you need to make a decision, or you are being asked to do something which you are not sure about, stop whatever you are doing and take some time to think about what is happening. This is represented by the yellow light; slow down and be prepared to take careful and well thought through action. Green stands for ‘go’. Take the action that has been well thought through and is the best action to take for the situation you are in.
Discover how you allow yourself to be a victim by talking to friends or a Counsellor. You will not stop feeling resentful until you stop giving up your power. You can control your life and what you think, do and say and know that if you take the time to consider your situation carefully you will make the right decision.
Identify one change you are going to make in yourself to develop your decision-making skill. Make this change consistently until you sense that you are no longer acting like a victim.
Make a final decision only after making these necessary changes in yourself. This will give you a much better sense of what you need to do next.
Often people, by their inaction, stay in relationships far too long often until they have no love left. If this sounds a bit like you take action now. Don’t let the situation go until you get to that point of resentment. And if there is any hope at all make a commitment right now to do whatever you need to do to really give this relationship the best chance you can give it.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Relationship Recovery – Have You Recently Separated or Divorced?
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Relationship Recovery – Have You Recently Separated or Divorced?
If you would like to attend the free seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the free seminar”.
When The Yelling Becomes Too Much
So often I hear from couples that they get to a place in their relationship where they are just constantly yelling at each other. And not only do they complain of having constant yelling matches but also that the arguments are as often as not about nothing so that afterwards they are left wondering what was the point of it all anyway.
It may surprise you to know that there is actually a point and if you think that is actually nothing to do with the topic of the argument you would be right.
The point is this. As you come through the honeymoon phase of your relationship there is a need to re-establish your own identity separate from each other. All this time you have been entangled with each other in a dance only for two. You now need to pull away from each other again in order to get on with your own lives.
This is totally normal and as it should be. You need to re-immerse yourself in your work, in your friendships and in your own interests to ensure that you continue your personal journey as you carry on with your couple’s journey.
To allow this you subconsciously start to find the flaws in each other. This includes the discovery that each of you are human after all with all of the faults and failings that comes with being human.
For so long you have simply only seen each other through rose-coloured glasses. This is now the time to take off the glasses and notice that your partner is not all you’ve attempted to convince yourself they are.
You struggle with this idea. Your prince or princess is really human after all just like you.
The only way you can humanly separate from another person is to create conflict. Just like an adolescent separating from his or her parents has to create conflict so too do you. Otherwise why would you move away from each other at all?
The tricky bit in all of this is firstly to recognise that the fights are for a good reason even if there seems to be no reason at all. Then, and maybe even more importantly, it is going to be critical for each of you to embrace the opportunity that you are providing each other here for growth ensuring in the meanwhile you don’t lose sight of your relationship in the process,
Something to note here is that there are people who are addicted to love. These people are likely to use these fights as a way of leaving the relationship and to seek another to replace it. Some people go their whole lives flitting from one relationship to another. They may even believe that the relationship is over so can’t even contemplate that maybe it’s just a phase.
Then there are others who just believe that they will never actually find love at all and give up even trying to find the way out of the current dilemma.
So if you find yourself yelling and arguing with your partner, pause a moment before making a decision about whether to quit or not. If the arguments really don’t have much substance, other than it being a tug of war to prove that you are right, maybe there is something else going on here.
If this happens take the time to really look deeply within yourself to check whether this is really just a phase and it’s worth the effort to work through or is this truly a sign that you are simply not compatible and maybe should separate from each other before too much damage is done.
If you can’t see the difference clearly seek some professional help before making a decision you may come to regret.
One strategy to really test this out is to commit to going all out for at least thirty days giving 100% of your effort to this relationship without question or regret. Love your partner unreservedly with all the love you have. This might even mean stepping back to allow that person some space to grow in as you take space for your own growth.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Relationship Remedy 