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Tag Archive | loving relationship
To Commit or Not To Commit
Men who are truly OK in their masculinity, find a woman, truly OK in her femininity, simply irresistible.
I met with a couple yesterday, let’s call them George and Sarah, (not their real names) who just seemed so typical of many young couples I meet these days.
George is a healthy young man who, now in his mid thirties, has had a lot of freedom in his life to pursue his own interests. These have often been around ‘boy’ things like cars and football, and much of his adult life has been around satisfying his wants for the moment without too much concern for the future. He has a great job and sufficient income to support a good life so, in his own mind, really wants for nothing.
Sarah is a healthy young woman who is in her late twenties; a career woman with a brilliant future, and, as well, with her sites very focused clearly on her future, not only in terms of career, but also in terms of relationship and possibly even a family.
Sarah and George have now been in a relationship for over a year and they came to see me because they are in a rut not seeming to be going anywhere. For him it’s about feeling that she is asking for more than he feels he can give right now. And for her it’s a desperate want to feel safe in this relationship with the knowledge that it really is going somewhere.
Maybe the real struggle here relates to commitment and even though it might seem that this may be more of an issue for him it might be for her as well.
Let me explain this. What I see when a couple presents with this sort of issue is maybe nothing more than good old-fashioned FEAR! So, I hear you say, I can see why he might be fearful, given that he is potentially being asked to give up some of his free and easy lifestyle, but how is that showing in her?
My thought on this is simply this: If someone needs to be constantly reassured by another to feel truly OK within themselves, then it may come from a lack of OK within themselves in the first place. The danger then is this; what it is you want most and fear not getting, because of a belief within yourself that you are not deserving of this thing, in this case being love and commitment, may actually create a ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ and indeed result in the loss of that thing after all.
Wow!!! Is that a head spinner or what? You might need to read that through several times to actually get what I’m saying.
And here’s my final thought on this topic of commitment. Some Fear, as long as it doesn’t hinder us to such an extent of inaction, can be a good thing really and, from my perspective, may be even a necessary part of the process of making a commitment to another in relationship. If we really value ourselves and each other and make our relationships important enough then they deserve serious consideration before jumping in boots and all.
My advice for George and Sarah? Given that they seem to be well-matched, even though there are also many differences, for him my suggestion was to jump in and do whatever to let her know that, beside himself, she is the most important thing in his life. This means that he makes her even more important than his mates and his job and all the other things that might distract him from being truly present in this relationship.
And for her? Maybe she needs simply to come to believe that she is the best thing that has ever come into his life and trust that if she truly believes that and acts accordingly the validation she seeks will then naturally be there for her.
As the old saying goes: Sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway!
You may agree or disagree with what I have said here. Either way let me know how it strikes you by responding in the “Comments’ link at the bottom of this blog.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Have You A Question About Relationships That You Really Want An Answer To?
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Relationship Release – The Easiest Way to Leave Your Lover
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Relationship Release – Is Your Relationship in Serious Trouble?
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What is Unconditional Love and Where Do I Get It?
I think this is a brilliant question. It’s about the difference between Unconditional Love and Conditional Love.
I’ll come back to this question in a moment. Let me first tell you a story.
Barb, aged twenty-one, and Baz, aged twenty-four, have known each other for several years and are planning to marry someday soon. Both of them are still discovering who each other is and, like all young couples, have certainly had their fair share of ups and downs.
Barb has had some questions more recently about whether Baz really loves her while Baz is having his own concerns about Barb’s seeming constant need for attention. It seems that Baz is starting to pull away somewhat as he claims his own life back while Barb is feeling her self-esteem is being challenged.
In truth Barb and Baz are a fairly normal couple and are doing exactly what all normal couples should be doing at this stage of their relationship. Having passed through the “honeymoon” stage of their relationship, where everything is rosy and it feels like you have found your soul mate, you are now going through the stage where you actually can see each other warts and all.
This is now the stage when you are making the decision about whether you like each enough to want to spend the rest of your life together. It is the stage where you must separate somewhat from each other as you reclaim your identity separate from each other. Normally this also means that one of you will start the process before the other as the pull will be stronger for one of you over the other.
It is also a time where relationships are either made or results in you separating fully from each other because of the impact of this stage on your self-esteem.
There are many questions being asked at this time not just about your compatibility but also about whether you are committed enough to this relationship to continue to work on it as you work on your own personal growth.
As you both go through this mini separation you also are challenged by the learning that maybe you don’t know each other as well as you may have once thought and indeed at times it might seem like you don’t really know each other at all.
The difference between conditional and unconditional love is that conditional love has some proviso attached to it: “I’ll love you if …” Sometimes this is actually spoken out loud but as often it is just a silent thought, maybe only heard unconsciously.
Unconditional love is love that is given regardless. It has been said that the only time we really experience unconditional love is just after our birth and even then maybe only for as long as our mother and father are able to stay awake till they need to get to sleep themselves from exhaustion.
You then spend the rest of your life searching for that unconditional love again most often to no avail until you meet the love of your life. And even that only lasts for a short time before it too seems to be taken away.
And that’s when you are left with questions like the following: “When you ask your partner to hold you, and they do, are they holding you just because you asked them to or because they want to?”
In our fairy tale world we would like our partners to instinctively know what we want and provide it unconditionally. We are still seeking our mother substitute.
The sad thing is if we believe this we will never enter into a relationship at all. This is for the simple reason that there is no-one in the world who can know you as well as your mother did when she gave birth to you. Your very survival depended on her knowing what you needed and to understand what every utterance you made meant before even you did.
As adults, we are no longer connected with another human being that way, and it would be unhealthy if we did, which also means that if you want something from your partner you will have to ask for it or else they won’t know.
If they then fulfil your request don’t look too deeply into the reason why, just accept it as a sign of their unconditional love for you for which you need do nothing in return other than give them your love unconditionally when they request something specifically from you.
So until next time – Relate with Love
The Love Drug
We all know when we are “in love” that our common sense seems to fail us as all we think about is the subject of our love and the delight there will be next time we meet. Even just thinking about them can result in that flurry in our stomachs as if they were with us in real life.
Why does this happen?
Well it can all be blamed on a little hormone that is produced in the pituitary gland called oxytocin. Sometimes oxytocin is referred to as the “love hormone” because it is when we are “in love” that oxytocin is most rapidly produced. It is also the hormone present in the body that marks the commencement of labour in a pregnant mother as well as being the active hormone that triggers the commencement of the flow of milk in the breastfeeding mum.
It is such a powerful hormone that for many mothers who are breastfeeding the experience can be akin to an orgasm and for some actually produces a real orgasm.
But back to the topic: It is when we are contemplating making love, or are actually making love, and are about to orgasm that we experience the full force of the delivery of oxytocin into our systems. And because it creates such a wonderful feeling in our bodies, as well as in our minds, the desire for oxytocin can become addictive.
So here’s how so often the story goes. You meet someone; you feel an attraction and want to spend time with that person. As you become more and more aroused oxytocin is released into your body and your want to be sexual with that person increases until it finds release some way.
Then as time goes by, and you are now in a full-time relationship, the attraction begins to wane somewhat as once a conquest has been made it no longer holds quite the same desirability. This is simply because it is no longer new and exciting as it was in the beginning.
This is especially so when you have known each other for some time and your availability to each other is no longer constrained. You are now able to spend more and more time together which also takes away the emergency of being sexual whenever you are given an opportunity.
So for those with an oxytocin addiction it may be that this relationship can no longer hold your interest and rather than going on to discover what else this relationship has for you the temptation is to let this go and find another person to fall in love with. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that this relationship wasn’t right for you anyway as you continue to seek your one and only “soul mate”.
And now even more than in past decades this seems to be happening. And not just in western countries and cultures but it many Asian and Middle Eastern Countries as well.
Maybe it is that we are all seeking a quick thrill as we want more and more “buzz” from our lives and once we’ve achieved that we want to move on to the next new and exciting thing there is to experience.
So what is there to learn from this?
Maybe it is as simple as this. That when the oxytocin production settles down and you find yourself facing “forever” then it’s time to look a little deeper for what might sustain the relationship for the long haul. Simply put that is real love not a selfishly sought after high for the moment but something that is based on a deep-seated care and commitment of one to another.
This is certainly not to say that there is now no room for romance and great sex. What this does mean is that you need to focus on creating the opportunities for great sex while ensuring you add lots of romance to your relationship.
Don’t be lazy and don’t be content with just making do as you get busy with life. Keep the fun alive, flirt with each other; make time for play and to explore your sexuality to ensure that the oxytocin keeps flowing.
So until next time – Relate with Love
What Is Marriage?
I loved receiving this question as it’s something that we may expect that we all understand but in truth maybe we actually don’t.
So I started my research into answering this question by scrambling to the Macquarie Dictionary which defines marriage as “the legal union of a man and a woman for life including a legal or religious ceremony.”
This definition really doesn’t give us very much at all as marriage today in so many cultures, legally and through the various churches, is open to being dissolved on the wish of one or other of the parties. In most countries these divorces are even permitted without even having to prove that one party is in some way more at fault than the other.
So I thought that I should proceed in this article to discuss my thoughts on what marriage is and would welcome you to add your thoughts on the topic as well.
While marriage may relate to a legal process for me marriage is more about the commitment two people make to be there for each other come what may. I would also expand on the dictionary definition to include not just the communion of a man to a woman but also of either a man or a woman to another man or woman. In my view they are as much a marriage as any marriage could be.
The sad thing here is that too many people enter into a marriage without really knowing what they are getting themselves into or without going through any preparation to ensure that their marriage will go the distance.
When I work with couples contemplating marriage the first thing I get them to consider and discuss with each other is this very question: what is marriage to each of them? How do they define it and are they ok with how their partner defines it or does it need some tweaking to make it something that both of the couple can live with.
As most of you might know I am in a relationship and have been for more than 20 years. My partner and I are not married nevertheless I describe him as my husband and wear his ring. He also describes me as his wife. It actually took us some time to acknowledge each other in this way as we were assessing our future together especially as I had four young children already as part of the package.
One of the first things we discussed in terms of our marriage was about whether we would live together and where that would be. We then had many conversations about how we would manage my children and whether we would have any more children. We then had to decide on the division of responsibilities both in terms of household chores and financial contributions. Finally we had some conversations about ownership of property and what would happen in the event that either of us predeceased the other.
And while this was not an issue for us as we are both of the same religious beliefs, for many couples there is also the question of what their particular religious beliefs are and how they might impact on their relationship and/or to any children of the relationship.
So while some of these issues are still conversations in progress for my partner and myself, the underlying promise is that we will be there exclusively for each other for the rest of our lives. In this we committed to never walk out on the other and to always raise it whenever we had an issue that affected us both and/or our future together.
This is how I define my marriage for me. It is a safe place to collapse into at the end of each busy day where I can feel safe and not be judged negatively no matter what I do or think. It is a place where I feel loved unconditionally and love in the same way.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Seminar February 10, 2015
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If you would like to attend please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.
Some excerpts from my workshops.
He Has Never Said “I Love You”
This email came through to my desk last week and it left me feeling very concerned for the young person who sent it. It said:
“I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two and a half months. We are engaged to be married early next year however I’ve some doubts about him. This is because everybody thinks he loves me except for myself. He has never said “i love you” throughout this period; not even once! I don’t feel loved enough and yet am scared to walk away. Do you think our marriage will work?”
In answering this email I will presume that this person actually has a choice in the matter as to who she marries as this email came from a non-western country. And as I have only a small part of the story I will answer it on the basis that I may be making a few assumptions.
There are a couple of issues being raised in this email. Firstly is the fact that this person has never heard her boyfriend say he loves her. Does this actually mean that he does not love you or that he doesn’t know how to say “I love you!”?
If he has never had it said to him by a parent or significant other as he was growing up then he might not be able to say it. Alternatively if he has grown up without love then he may not know what it feels like to be loved or to love someone else. In this regard he may not know that it could actually be safe to love someone and not be let down or disappointed by that person to whom he may have bared a very vulnerable part of himself.
Of course it may simply be that he does not love you and if that is the case then you should think very carefully about committing yourself to this man on a long-term basis. And as for everyone else thinking that he loves you; what do they base this opinion on? Has he said something to them that he is not willing to share with you? Or are they basing this conclusion on his behaviour and how he treats you?
The other issue that this email raises is whether such a relationship, where people don’t, or can’t speak their truth about love, can actually work. My thought on this is that no marriage can work if both parties aren’t willing to trust the other with their love and with their soul which involves the deepest and most profound parts of themselves.
When you don’t feel loved
Despite all of this the most telling part of this email is reflected in the statement “i don’t feel loved enough and yet am scared to walk away.” My only response to this is; if you don’t feel loved enough at the beginning of your relationship don’t expect to be loved enough later on. I’d like to qualify this by saying that as a relationship continues, and as you come to know each other better, the love generally becomes deeper and more heartfelt.
But this doesn’t just happen. It is the consequence of an open and expressed love that comes from the care a couple shows to each other over time. It could even seem that if that person were to go away that it would feel like having a limb removed as they are such a fundamental part of your own being.
I would also like to ask this person what it is you fear that prevents you from walking away. If you feel that there may not be someone else for you, there is. In actual fact there are probably millions of people around the world that you could be compatible with and with whom you could make a great relationship. If you fear your friends or families judgement remind them that this is your life to live and that you must make your own choices. If it is that you fear him or his retribution then you need to remove yourself immediately from this toxic environment.
Finally let me add one more point. You have only known this person for such a short time before making your marriage plans. Take the time to get to know each other. I don’t have a belief that there is a particular time frame you should be together before getting married but two months, especially when there are doubts, may not really be long enough to come to know anyone well enough to commit to them for the rest of your life.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Knowing When the Time Is Right to Marry
When I was young, many years ago now, the dream of most young women was to finish school acquire some training of some sort and get a job. In those days it was somewhat limited to secretarial, shop assistant, teaching, air hostessing, or nursing.
Following that was the challenge of finding someone “really nice”, getting married, “settling down” and having kids. There really wasn’t a whole lot to think about and even more choices were taken from you as once you were married or pregnant most women had to leave their employment. There was no such thing as maternity leave or holding your position for you until your return.
The otherwise natural flow of life was then hugely interrupted by the introduction of the contraceptive pill in the 1960’s. The claim was that couples were now able to make their own decisions about becoming pregnant and starting their family. Then there was a further development in the 1970’s that made it legal for women to have an unwanted pregnancy terminated creating even more choices for couples to make about beginning a family. And then all the other political advances in women’s rights that have elevated women to take positions of seniority have created even more choices in how we live our lives.
And now, so many years later, I believe the decisions that couples have to make, may in actual fact, whilst claiming to liberate them, actually be inhibiting them.
When is the time right?
I’m not saying that we should go back to the old times. What I am saying is that for some couples the number of choices now available to them may actually slow them into indecision.
I’ve had this conversation with several of my own adult children all of whom are in happy relationships and two of whom are married with children. The conversations we have about the time being right for anything happening in their lives, as it is for many who have sent questions into me, tends to revert back to where they are in their career, financially, or in their relationship and concerns they hold about the future of their relationship given the high incidence of relationship breakdown.
I hear so many people experiencing distress over these decisions and the want to have everything perfect or at least as they would wish it to be, before they venture into the next phase of their lives.
But, as I remind my clients so often, life is not an end point. It will never be perfect. The time will never be exactly right. Life is a journey and can only be lived that way.
And as my husband reminds me; the most memorable holidays we’ve had are the ones that were not perfect, where we’d find ourselves in the most amazing of places meeting the most incredible people and having the most bazaar experiences. These are the stories that we like to tell over and over again.
In our naivety of half a century ago we simply made do. We lived in “shoeboxes” furnished with mismatched pieces we could scavenge from family and friends. We passed around babies clothes from one to another as our children grew and spent time on the weekends making whatever fun we could to entertain ourselves and our children.
So here’s the answer to choosing or knowing when is the right time; to live together, to marry, to have children or whatever other decision you are struggling with right now. The answer is there is; no right time. As I have said to my own children – if it feels right just do it and let the future take care of itself. It will anyway!
So until next time – Relate with Love
Relationship Remedy 