Tag Archive | communication skills

True Love, Lies and Deceit

May4

True Love Lies and Deceit

Is it possible for someone to truly love you and hurt you over and over with lies and deceit?

What a great question this is to get me going for the week

The short answer is this:  NO! Someone cannot truly love you and hurt you over and over with lies and deceit. But it may be a little more complicated than that.

Lying and deceitfulness can be a natural response to being constantly tormented, fear of being found out, or from the modelling we get from the most important people around us, generally our parents.

There are also gradients of lies. There are the lies of omission when we don’t tell someone that what they are wearing doesn’t go with whatever, their body shape, the occasion etc.

On the other end of the continuum are the really big lies that have a huge impact on people’s lives, individuals or whole countries, which can and do change the course of history.

My curiosity is pricked when I hear that someone is being deceitful in their relationship. Is this a cold-hearted act of cruelty with no regard for the impact the lie has on another or is it something much more than that?

My belief is that lying is a complex issue that really needs to be viewed not just in the context of the current event but in the context of a whole lifetime of experience.

When we are very young we learn to tell lies as part of socialising us to the norms of society. So we are taught to hold our tongues when we get crushed under the hug of our big, fat aunties and respectfully say ‘thank you’ for the gift that we really didn’t want. We also learn in the process that lying can protect us from being punished, sometimes in very, even too harsh ways. Lying can even become habitual as a way of avoiding the anger of someone in a position of authority over us as well as a means of avoiding the feelings of fear that can go with that.

As an adult we normally grow out of this behaviour as we meet with other adults face to face, in truth and in good will, to manage our conflicts in an adult way no longer needing to resort to old patterns of behaviour. Sometimes however old behaviours are so entrenched that the habit has become hard to shift. Alternatively the person is triggered to feel the same sort of fear they experienced as a child and respond from an internal child part of themselves rather than an external adult part.

In these situations the lies and deceit are not intended to hurt but become the habitual response of someone who doesn’t yet have the skills to manage themselves in a more mature way.

So to come back to the question at the beginning of this article

Love is a mature adult feeling that is pure and clean with no unresolved issues attached to it. So to truly love another implies that you are fully there with this person in the most vulnerable way possible. This means that your heart, soul and body are open and exposed without any defences. So to put it more simply, love and lying simply cannot be present in the same moment.

While we are humans, and we will slip up, for us to be truly in love with another requires us also to be truly honest. If we cannot be truly honest then we can’t possibly truly love because instead of being there fully in the present we are being held back by something from our past that will need resolution.

So if you are being lied to and hurt constantly by your partner and they are unable, or unwilling, to do what it takes to change then you really do need to think about the long-term viability of your relationship.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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If You Were Someone Else, Would You Marry You?

Apr6

If You Were Someone Else, Would You Marry You?

I started this article by considering a question sent to me by a client, and echoed by many others, who wanted to know what was reasonable to expect from a partner in marriage. As I was scouring other emails to see what related questions there were on this topic I came upon this pearl I just had to use it as it summed up so beautifully exactly my thoughts on the topic of expectations.

The email started with the line that is the title of this week’s article and then went on to say: “Worry less and be happy. Because the happier you are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you are to your partner. .. Start today to work on being the kind of person you would want to know, date, and marry. If you’re not that kind of person, how can you expect your spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?” I absolutely agree with these sentiments.

What can I expect from marriage?

The way to live this is simple: remember when you first met and what it was that attracted you to your partner in the first place. It might have been their smile, their easy laugh, their care and consideration of you or their willingness to listen to you ad nauseam.

Now contemplate how you responded to that.

Your response would naturally have been happiness, in being paid so much consideration, and joy at being the centre of someone else’s attention pulling you even closer to each other.

While we all start our relationships this way the sad thing is that somewhere along the way we returned to our selfish habits and forgot what it was we did at the beginning that endeared us so compellingly to the other.

So the way back to that special place is, as my client suggested, by being the best and the happiest you can be and behave in the way that you did when you first met every day of your life. In addition expect no less than that from your partner.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

A famous Couples Counsellor by the name of John Gottman speaks of four distinct ways of interacting that doom your marriage to failure. These are the absolute contradiction of how you should relate to your partner and expect your partner to relate to you.

  1. The First Horseman – Criticism – this involves attacking with blame someone’s personality or character, rather than a specific behaviour. If there is something you don’t like about what your partner is doing let them know what that is and what you would rather they do instead.
  2. The Second Horseman – Contempt – this has a conscious or subconscious intent of insulting or belittling your partner with words or actions. Just remember your partner has all the faults and failings of all human beings, yourself included, and deserves to be treated with the respect that everyone deserves.
  3. The Third Horseman – Defensiveness – This has to do with denying responsibility or making excuses or whinging and whining when things don’t go your way. Stand up and be willing to accept your part in any misunderstanding that comes up between you and do what you need to do to repair the damage done.
  4. The Fourth Horseman – Stonewalling – This happens when you refuse to respond to your partner or even to get into a conversation to find a resolution to an issue. Of course there are going to be times when it’s not good for you to respond because of high emotions. If this happens simply let your partner know that now is not a good time to have this conversation with a promise to return and/or even a time to make that happen.

So be yourself the person you would want to marry each and every day. There really is no greater joy as, in being that, so can your partner be.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Have You a Question About Dating That You Really Want Answered?

Feb11

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend this free seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

Have You a Question About Dating That You Really Want Answered?

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Why Do We Lie?

Dec23

Why Do We Lie

 

There’s a joke told about politicians that goes like this: “How do you know when a politician is lying?” The answer: “When his lips are moving!”

The truth is we all tell lies!

The more modest ones are called “white lies”; they are generally harmless and don’t upset people too greatly if discovered. Such lies tend to be said to save someone’s feelings, like when we compliment someone about how they look, or to save our own, such as when we make up reasons for my not being able to do something when we really don’t want to do it anyway.

Lies can be by what is said as well as by what is not said. 

Men and women tell different kinds of lies. Men most often tell lies to protect themselves. They may lie to you about the way you look; they may say that you look good no matter what you wear. They just do not want to break your heart; they want you to be happy. Such lies are very sweet; in fact, if your man tells you such lies, then you should be very happy. He truly loves you.

Men may also lie about the things they can do. Men always have an ego factor, all human beings have, but it is found in men to a much greater extent. They can never let someone bruise their ego. Therefore they lie about the things they are capable of doing. They may say that they can do something or have done something where in reality they may not be able to do it at all. This sometimes presents itself in their boasting about women they have been with.

Sometimes men just lie about household chores such as the bills, grocery or fixing something. They may tell you that they have done something, when they might not have done it.

Men sometimes lie when they are cheating. Their intention is not necessarily always to deceive. Sometimes they have good intentions. He may be lying about cheating because he feels guilty that he cheated on you. He may even lie to you because he is afraid of losing you. He might have huge regrets about cheating on you.

So while men often lie to protect themselves from someone else’s outrage, women are more likely to lie in order to protect someone else. This might be to protect their children from being in trouble for some misdemeanor against the other parent or to help a girlfriend who needs someone to cover for her or to support her in front of her partner or other girlfriends.

Women are also more likely to lie about others, particularly other women and do so as a way of making the other seem less attractive.

These lies may be bad enough but then there are the lies that are more serious and which really hurt relationships such as when we lie because we are concerned that the other person might respond in a particularly angry way, maybe  rightfully so, or because we have really done something wrong and for which we are feeling guilty.

In amongst these are the lies that are told with the complete intention of hurt or betrayal. They might be cheating on you and they are not telling you because they want to have their wife and mistress, or for women they want their husband and boyfriend, both at the same time.

Some people lie to you for financial reasons, because if you found out about their cheating or gambling, you may feel you need to leave the relationship.

And of course there are those who lie to themselves in order to justify what they do.

Just keep one thing in mind, when you suspect that someone is lying to you try not to see the lies, try to see the intention. If the intention is good and they did not want to hurt you, then you should find a way to forgive. But if they intended to cheat you, then something much more sinister is at play and this needs to be exposed and dealt with before it gets out of hand particularly as it might be a threat to your whole relationship with them.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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When the Fighting Becomes Too Much

Dec16

When the Fighting Becomes Too Much

 

I received this very sad letter not so long ago so am making it the focus of this blog article.

“Why is it that I and my girlfriend quarrel/argue every week for she says she doesn’t trust me and tells me every time that she doesn’t want to marry me?

I love her so much and want her be my wife. I have thought of things that she thinks that creates the argument, but when i start to work on those things it works a little while but fails and never lasts.

I am standing on two conflicting ideas. Marry her or start over another relationship.

What she says when she gets angry out of nothing gets me crazy. Even now, we are not giving phone calls to each other.

What should I do to keep and maintain happy and healthy relationship with her? I want to give love to her and expect the same response from her. How can I make that happen? When I stop things over, she starts and when I come to understating she pushes me away.

It has been like this for more than two years since I met her. One week it’s okay and another week hell.

Please help me save my relationship.”

Let me start to answer this multifaceted question by firstly saying that all relationships will have times of conflict especially as part of negotiating a long-term relationship. This is part of helping you figure out the ‘rules’ that are going to define how your relationship is to be managed. This involves who will make the decisions and who will be responsible for what aspect of your relationship.

This is a normal part of the transition into the next stage of relationship development as you move away from the symbiosis, the honeymoon stage that defines the first part of all relationships.

So the way through this is firstly to learn some communication skills so that you can each hear clearly what the other is saying before responding. Sometimes it is necessary to bring a professional counsellor/coach into the picture who can teach you how to do this and help you manage the process when things become especially difficult.

The next part of the process is to define what it means to be in relationship and what that relationship should look like to support both of your values of what a loving relationship actually is. Then take the time to ask each other lots of questions to assess whether these values are shared making you compatible as this value compatibility is what will determine whether your relationship has what it needs to make it long-term.

Just as importantly, for relationships to succeed it requires a selflessness that has at its core a willingness to do for another without any thought of what’s in it for me. If we only do for another for what we can get back then we’re not in it for love. And of course if you are both acting from that place then you’ll get what you want anyway but now for the right reasons.

For more information on the stages of relationship go and have a look at my product shop. There you will find several books including one titled “Relationships – A Couples Journey” that addresses the stages relationships go through as part of their natural development. Another book that maybe is helpful is titled “The Games Couples Play” which takes a look at conflict in relationships and how to manage it. You’ll find the bookshop at my website at www.acouplesjourney.com.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You!”?

Dec2

What If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You!”?

The phrase “I love you!” is a very important one for couples to hear from each other and especially so when the relationship is moving from a casual acquaintance to a more permanent one. It is like the official announcement that he, or she, really is in love with you and through these words is making a commitment for a long-term relationship.

But sometimes, and maybe particularly men, can take a long time to say “I love you!”. This can be for a variety of reasons

Maybe he is too shy to say “I love you!”, or maybe he is afraid that you might reject him.

On the other hand he might simply be afraid of commitment, as for many, saying these words is as good as saying “I want to be with you for the rest of our lives!” and that might just be too much for some men to contemplate.

Another reason why he might not have said “I love you!” is because he has grown up in a home where these words were never, or very rarely, uttered so they are simply not common to his language. And sometimes there might be no reason at all – it just hasn’t crossed his mind to say it even if you have.

I also know that there are some men who feel that if they say it because you said it then it might feel more like it’s been coerced out of them and doesn’t feel right because it has not been offered on their own accord.

If this is your issue, and you really want to know the truth, the best thing you can do is simply to ask him openly if he does love you. Of course, it might hurt your ego if he says something like “everything is just fine between us” or worse “Why did you have to ask that question? You just went and spoilt it all.”

If the latter is the case – be warned! He is most likely with you just for the good time and nothing more. In such a case, you then need to decide if you really want to stay with him, but if he does not love you, it might be time to leave him and move on.

But what if you have been in a relationship for some time and he still hasn’t said “I love you!”. What if he is reluctant or evasive even about answering your question or says something like “Of Course I do, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t” but still refuses to say the words? It would be very natural for you to be worried.

“Does he really love me?”

You may find yourself repeatedly asking the question of yourself – “Does he really love me?” In such a situation, you should certainly take a really close look at what is going on and ask yourself whether this is a relationship you really want to be in.

If the answer is not then maybe, no matter how you feel, it really is time to move on. Love is a two-way street and so both of you need to be in it fully if it’s going to last forever. Relationships simply cannot last if only one person is committed and saying the words “I love you!”

So until next time – Relate with Love

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I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Feel I Love Him Anymore

Oct28

I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Feel I Love Him Anymore

There’s another question that goes often comes with this one and that is about the satisfaction many women feel in having given birth. It’s like the child now fulfills all her love and sexual needs some even saying that the very act of holding a child in their arms and/or breast-feeding the child gives them immense sexual pleasure so much so that some women even report the experience of an orgasm every time they feed their child.

So the first thing to know here is that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Your body is surging with hormones as it adjusts to being pregnant and as it begins to prepare you, emotionally and physically, for the birth of your child and placing the care of another human being in your hands.

This also means that your instincts are on full alert. You may even find yourself becoming anxious not only about the baby and its well-being but also about your own well-being. Suddenly you don’t want to take the risks you might have once taken on the belief that if something happens to you what then becomes of your baby?

There are lots of hypotheses about why this happens but maybe after all it is just a quirky act of nature to ensure that this helpless child is taken care of to ensure its survival even though often the one who misses out most here is the woman’s partner, the father of the child who can feel abandoned or unwanted now that the child is born. As far as nature is concerned the father has done his bit. It’s now up to the mother to incubate this child and bring the pregnancy to full term.

Maybe this is as basic as you can get as this is truly about survival of the species.

So in accepting that the feelings you have are absolutely normal there are a few things you can and maybe even should do.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, if you find that your love is diminishing for your husband, or you even feel no love for him at all, you should not make any hasty decisions. Instead given that it is most likely just the hormones that are making you feel so give yourself some time to think rationally before making any long-term decision that might impact negatively on all of you.

At the very least, wait until after your baby has been and then even for the postnatal stage to end. In the meanwhile enjoy what you and your partner have created together and share every aspect of this pregnancy together. Visit your doctor together, attend prenatal classes together and make all plans re setting up the baby’s room and other decisions that will need to be made re the child’s ongoing care after the birth together.

Mothers are often defined as the gatekeepers to their child.

This means it’s most often up to you to ensure you include the father in the pregnancy. Often, and especially so for first time dads, they can feel overwhelmed by the experience and very unsure of what to do. They therefore sometimes need a guiding hand to let them know that you are still the same person, only different. This means that it is also normal to continue all the pre pregnancy activities especially in your sexual relationship. Sometimes, dads and even moms feel scared about this as they are concerned that they might hurt the child. This is not so though if you are concerned speak to your doctor to relieve any fears you have.

So for now enjoy this beautiful time together and drop those thoughts of lost love. There will be time in the future to decide if this really is the case or just Mother Nature doing its job after all.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Love is Being Able to Say – “I’m Sorry!”

Sep23

Sorry honey!

“Sorry” – this simple five letter word can work magic. And while it is sometimes the hardest word to say, it can change so many things; the way people think about us, and even how much they care for us as well as how close to us they feel.

Even after knowing the magic this word can do, there are certain times when we do not want to say – “I’m Sorry”. Sometime our ego stops us from saying sorry. We can feel like if we would say sorry, we would lose our value.

This is not to say that you should just say sorry every time something comes up for you and your partner. The really important thing to remember here is that it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. Therefore, no matter what the situation is, there is going to be fault on both parts.

The task here then is to figure out what part of the issue is yours and what your responsibility is to that and to be willing to say sorry for that regardless of whether the other person is willing to take responsibility for their part and/or is willing to say sorry for that or not.

If you feel that you should be saying sorry but are not able to then there is some other issue that may be stopping you which may need to be explored first.

I strongly agree with the statement often said that, “in a relationship you should not hesitate to say sorry even if it is their mistake”.

The important thing to remember here is really about what are you saying sorry for and to express that to yourself and your partner. Your partner then will be compelled to look at their part in the issue and will then make up their own minds. They may then, or may not, say that they are equally sorry for their part.

Keep in mind though that whether they say sorry or not should not be what makes you decide to say it. Your sorry should be offered openly and honestly, without condition or expectation of something coming back.

Finding A Way from Being Mad To Saying Sorry Test:

There is a simple “saying sorry test” you can take to discover if you are ready to say sorry or not.

Answer each of the following questions as honestly as possible. It may even be helpful to write down your answers:

1 What is the truth about the issue? It can still only be your perspective, and your partner will have their own perspective, but somewhere in that you should be able to find a way to trace the events that led to the issue and ascertain your part in that.
2 What does the other person in the event mean to you? If they are very important to you and you think that losing them would be a great loss for you, then do not hesitate to initiate the apology. Even if you think the mistake is theirs remember that you are a part of it and can take responsibility for that.
3 What do you mean to them? Do they really love you? Are you willing to let a potentially unresolved issue get in the way of your long-term relationship? The truth here is that any issue left unresolved will not go away on its own; it will become an irritant until one day it finds a way out through via some other issue.

If in answering these questions you are able to get clear about what there is to be sorry about, don’t hesitate to express it. Even if you conclude from this that it really isn’t for you to say sorry you should be able to at least say sorry for the difficult situation you both find yourselves in.

From sorry then comes forgiveness and I’ll address this concept further in another article.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Are You Marriage/Relationship Ready?

Sep9
Untitled

 

This week I attended two days training on the topic of preparing couples for marriage/relationship. We had some lengthy discussions about what the benefits of this might be for couples and who would want it.

With this in mind I thought this would be a good time to address my thoughts on the topic and I’ll speak more about the service at the end of this article/blog.

Reduce Your Likelihood of Divorce by 30%

Research has shown us that the divorce rate of those who have done a preparation for marriage course cuts the divorce rate by more than thirty percent.

Every couple hopes that they’ll live happily ever after. Fewer than one in three actually will. What makes the difference? Is it love? Is it luck?

Did you know that most affairs and divorces occur during the years just after the wedding? That living together before the wedding does not increase marriage success? That marriage satisfaction can plummet when a child is born?

Transition from the romance of the pre-wedding period to married life can be much more challenging than most couples expect.

Premarriage preparation, or premarital counseling, is a form of counseling that can benefit every couple planning to marry or enter into a long-term relationship. This is not the same as couple therapy, which may be what’s needed when more critical issues come up. Premarital counseling tends to take on more of an educational role. Its purpose is to help you discover things about each other that you may not have known before giving you an opportunity to confirm for yourself that this person really is the right person for you.

Premarital counseling is also about teaching you the skills you will need to support each other in having a happy and lasting marriage.

So, just like life, the marriage certificate doesn’t come with a set of operating instructions. And, just like life, the skills you need to make a successful relationship aren’t necessarily learned from observing your parents. The truth is that most of them may also still be trying to figure out how to be in marriage/relationship. The skills really are best taught by someone trained who has the knowledge of what it takes to be a couple.

The philosophy behind premarital counseling is that it highlights the strengths of a couple before you marry and to anticipate and prepare you for the challenges and conflicts that could arise in the future by drawing attention to your growth areas.

Premarital counseling will help you identify and communicate your fears, desires, beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and other issues that may have been previously avoided or denied or maybe even never discussed.

Research into the benefits of premarital counseling has found that there is a window of opportunity that exists during the year that precedes the wedding as well as the first six months after the wedding when the most benefits from premarital counselling can be gleaned. As time passes and more stress comes into the relationship, a couple can find that negative habits and unhealthy relationship patterns can develop that can become well established and very hard to break.

Research has illuminated seven areas of knowledge and relationship skills that help contribute to the development, success and lasting quality of a happy, loving marriage.

Planning a wonderful wedding is great, but investing just a little in the success of your marriage and long-term relationship is at least as important.

Anyway let me get back to the training day. The workshop was teaching us, the participants, how to use a software program called “Prepare-Enrich”. We further learned how to read the results, facilitate a feedback session and to discuss with the couple any issues that became evident from those results.

This program begins with having each member of the couple complete a very detailed inventory. While this was developed back in the 1970’s by David Olson Ph.D., as a paper and pen exercise, it is now completed on the computer in your own time. The inventory is designed specifically for your situation based on the details you enter into the computer in the first instance.

The intention of the program is to help build stronger relationships through the following avenues:

  • Explore Strength and Growth Areas
  • Strengthen Communication Skills
  • Identify and Manage Major Stressors
  • Resolve Conflicts using the Ten Step Model
  • Develop a more balanced relationship using the Couple and Family Maps
  • Understand personality differences and maximize teamwork

The follow-up sessions address every one of these areas in order to be of the greatest help to couples.

I’m feeling very excited about being involved in the great work that David Olson and others are doing and would like to offer my readers an opportunity to complete the program as well.

If you would like some more information about this program contact me or check back at my website. We would be happy to help you complete the inventory.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Talk About Money

Aug12

Talk About Money

Conflicts over money can fatally damage your relationships. In surveys with couple’s money even ranks as one of the biggest reasons why married couples fight and can even be the catalyst for couples separating.

For many of us today, just covering the costs of the basics has become a struggle. We are fighting about an array of things including rising fuel prices, higher cost of groceries, never-ending charges for the kids’ school supplies and those mortgage costs that continue to go up.

This stress can cause all of us in relationships to boil over as we look to one another to blame for the problems. Oftentimes, these stressors cause us to bring up financial, as well as other, “sins of the past”.

The way to deal with the stress around money is to talk about it. Most of us avoid this conversation at all costs. Why? Because the very act of raising the topic involves stress! Most of us would rather just avoid the conversation altogether and hope it will somehow magically all get better. But guess what? It won’t get better; and will continue to get worse unless you deal with it.

Three Steps to Having the Money Conversation:

  1. Do a Reality Check

Firstly realize that delaying this conversation will result in more pain later. Money problems do not go away by themselves. If you put off having these important conversations with your partner they’ll only get worse. If you’re getting deeper and deeper in debt each month, then every month that goes by just means even more debt. You must make a decision that you will initiate this crucial conversation about money now so that you can actually have less pain later.

Ask for a calm and honest conversation with your partner about money. This conversation should be initiated from a sincere concern about your direction as a couple. Your partner should not be made to feel like they are being cross-examined. Otherwise, they will be on the defensive before the conversation even begins.

Expect to share all your “spending secrets” with your partner. Most often we see all the financial failings of others, but we conveniently forget about our own. Your conversation about money has the potential to either create a strong bond in your relationship or drive a wedge between you. It all depends on how you handle the conversation. You must both be completely honest.

  1. Accept Responsibility

A very important aspect of this conversation must be the willingness on both of your parts to accept full responsibly for where you are. This means to accept full blame for all of the things that each of you did that may have caused the current situation and to accept responsibility for the actions you both need to take to remedy it.

This conversation can be challenging and painful. But it can also be rewarding and profitable. You might even see your relationship begin to change for the better once you deal with the underlying negative thoughts and emotions.

Begin this conversation with a spirit of openness. If you set the tone in the beginning of this conversation with a positive attitude and approach, things should go much better. And regardless of the issues that must be discussed, mutual respect is very important for continuing to build a healthy relationship.

  1. Moving On

At some point, both of you may need to “agree to disagree” over something from the past and move on. Being the bigger person can save you frustration and further future financial problems.

It might be helpful for you and your partner to schedule regular “money meetings” and to even establish a budget for you both to follow. You may even begin to make some progress in your financial life as you have these talks more often and begin to really control your finances with a clear plan in place. It might even open the way for you to talk about other important issues again or maybe even for the first time.

While showing respect, you may have to address serious spending problems and other issues. The key here is to focus on resetting where you are heading. Money problems created in the past cannot be erased, but you can start over with a new plan for the future.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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