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What to Do When They Love Their Ex More Than You

May27

What to Do When They Love Their Ex More Than YouWhen I was 17 years old I met and fell in love with a man who became my prince. I thought it would last forever. We were soul mates and we shared everything together. This lasted for about eighteen months when we had our first big blow up. This also happened at a time when I needed to make some decisions about my future studies and where I wanted to live. The wants of each of us became devastatingly incompatible and we parted company.

Thoughts of him stayed with me for a long while as I then continued on with my life and fell in love with someone else who ultimately became my husband. Even now, nearly forty years later, I remember my first love with fondness and know that, despite what we had, it could never have been more than a high school fling though a great one at that.

Really there is nothing that will ever be the same as a first love. The feelings in your body and mind are intense coming from a place of innocence and naiveté. It’s like the first time you do anything exciting, like going on a roller coaster ride for the first time. It’s exhilarating and scary and irresistibly draws you into making you want to experience the ride again and again until you’re exhausted.

Of course this feeling cannot last as you must come back to reality. This sometimes happens with a resounding thud as you come to understand that you are actually not well-matched or your wants from life is not the same. Sometimes you just come to realize that you don’t really like this person anyway or they really don’t like you.

Then it’s all over! You are left to pick up the pieces of your life and move on. The reality is though that most often this happens for one or other of you first. The result being that while one of you has decided to move on the other hasn’t got to that stage yet.

This is where the other of you is left with some unanswered questions and consequently what we call in the industry ‘unfinished business’. This most often comprises the need to grieve the loss as well as to get some answers to the most obvious question ‘is this about you or me?’

For anyone going through this distress generally the first reaction is to try to avoid it. And how do you do that? You quickly distract yourselves with a new love. Often the outcome of this is, once the initial attraction has somewhat waned, to once again feel the sadness of the previous loss. This may be recognized by you, or your partner, as a belief that there is still love for that person, the Ex.

So how do you get past this? If you’re the one feeling like you can’t get over a lost love you need to remind yourself of the reality of the situation and focus on what is now possible for your future.

If you’re the one with a partner struggling with this know that this is their struggle and they are the one who needs to do the work. This is not about who you are or what you do. There is consequently not a lot you can do in this case except to be as supportive and as loving as you can be. This will then be his/her reminder of what s/he really does have to be thankful for in his/her life now.

If both of these options seem like too big it might be time to seek some counselling with someone who can work with each of you separately or with the two of you together to find a resolution.

For more on this topic see my articles on the stages of relationship. You’ll find them in blog posts already written as well as in my book “Relationships – A Couple’s Journey”.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Forgive the Unforgivable

May20

Forgive the Unforgivable

Has your partner made an error that has hurt you? Have you made errors that have hurt your partner?

The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to ‘step on their toes’. And being in a relationship with someone certainly puts you where this is fairly likely to happen. Relationships are a bit like ballroom dancing really! The chances are even pretty high that you and your partner could have pretty sore toes.

The point here is that it’s normal for you and your partner to make mistakes and to inadvertently step on each others toes. And as long as this is not intentional it is repairable. Like ballroom dancing, once you get the steps right the dance will flow naturally all by itself.

And, except in the case of physical abuse, (I addressed that in my blog of a couple of weeks ago) you can move on from anything. In fact, your marriage can end up even better!

I know…you’re probably thinking, ‘Better? How could it be better than before we messed it up?’

It can be better, but you have to do one thing first. You have to forgive.

What does it really mean to forgive?

Many people say, ‘I forgive you’, but continue to hold anger and resentment in their hearts. Some people even say the words, but their actions show that nothing’s changed for them at all.

Other people will say ‘I forgive you’ but what they really mean is, ‘I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.’ And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their partner. True, they may not be angry any more, but that’s because they’ve shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect.

Saying ‘I forgive you!’ is an entirely different ball game from truly forgiving.

Let’s take a closer look at the word and where it comes from. The root of the word ‘forgive’ is the Latin word ‘perdonare’ meaning: ‘to give completely without reservation’. This is also the source of our English ‘pardon’.

When the Latin ‘perdonare’ was adopted into the Germanic ancestor of English, it was translated piece-by-piece: ‘Per’ was replaced by ‘for’, a prefix that in this case means ‘thoroughly’ and ‘donare’ with ‘giefan’ (to give). The result, ‘forgiefan’, appeared in Old English meaning ‘to give up’ or ‘allow’ as well as ‘to give in marriage’.

In modern English, ‘forgive’ has also taken on the meanings of ‘to pardon for an offence’, ‘renounce anger at’ (I truly forgive you for stepping on my toes) and ‘to abandon a claim on’ (as in ‘forgive a debt’).

What then is true forgiveness? It’s when you stand as close to your partner as you stood the day your feet got stepped on. It’s when you give of yourself like you did before you were hurt.

Forgiveness might also need to be of self as well as of the other. That might sound surprising but for your partner to have stepped on your toes your toes needed to have been there to be stepped on. As the old adage says: ‘It takes two to tango!’

And, by the way, forgiveness may not be easy to do. But it is possible. You can forgive each other and move on.

And once you forgive, you’ll see that your marriage can be better than it was before.
You could even be happy that the mistake was made (in a strange way) because it allows you to realize that you might never have achieved the love you finally have without that error as your catalyst.

Did you know that when a broken bone heals it’s stronger than it was before it was broken? You too can be stronger than before things broke down between you.

Did you ever make love after a big fight? Did you ever think after you made-up, ‘Hey, this is great? We should fight more often.’ Sometimes, while not an excuse to fight, the highest-highs can follow the lowest-lows. This is because in the forgiving you have come to an even more intimate place with each other.

If you are holding onto old hurts maybe it’s time for you to forgive. Give it a go it can be so liberating for you personally as well as for you as a couple.

And if you need help with this check out the ‘Quizzes and Questionnaires’ page at my site www.acouplesjourney.com. You will discover an exercise there to help you in finding forgiveness. Alternatively, if you need further assistance in this, please find a good Counselor. The effort will reap the reward.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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To Commit or Not To Commit

May13

Men who are truly OK in their masculinity, find a woman, truly OK in her femininity, simply irresistible.

I met with a couple yesterday, let’s call them George and Sarah, (not their real names) who just seemed so typical of many young couples I meet these days.

George is a healthy young man who, now in his mid thirties, has had a lot of freedom in his life to pursue his own interests. These have often been around ‘boy’ things like cars and football, and much of his adult life has been around satisfying his wants for the moment without too much concern for the future. He has a great job and sufficient income to support a good life so, in his own mind, really wants for nothing.

Sarah is a healthy young woman who is in her late twenties; a career woman with a brilliant future, and, as well, with her sites very focused clearly on her future, not only in terms of career, but also in terms of relationship and possibly even a family.

Sarah and George have now been in a relationship for over a year and they came to see me because they are in a rut not seeming to be going anywhere. For him it’s about feeling that she is asking for more than he feels he can give right now. And for her it’s a desperate want to feel safe in this relationship with the knowledge that it really is going somewhere.

Maybe the real struggle here relates to commitment and even though it might seem that this may be more of an issue for him it might be for her as well.

Let me explain this. What I see when a couple presents with this sort of issue is maybe nothing more than good old-fashioned FEAR! So, I hear you say, I can see why he might be fearful, given that he is potentially being asked to give up some of his free and easy lifestyle, but how is that showing in her?

My thought on this is simply this: If someone needs to be constantly reassured by another to feel truly OK within themselves, then it may come from a lack of OK within themselves in the first place. The danger then is this; what it is you want most and fear not getting, because of a belief within yourself that you are not deserving of this thing, in this case being love and commitment, may actually create a ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ and indeed result in the loss of that thing after all.

Wow!!! Is that a head spinner or what? You might need to read that through several times to actually get what I’m saying.

And here’s my final thought on this topic of commitment. Some Fear, as long as it doesn’t hinder us to such an extent of inaction, can be a good thing really and, from my perspective, may be even a necessary part of the process of making a commitment to another in relationship.   If we really value ourselves and each other and make our relationships important enough then they deserve serious consideration before jumping in boots and all.

My advice for George and Sarah? Given that they seem to be well-matched, even though there are also many differences, for him my suggestion was to jump in and do whatever to let her know that, beside himself, she is the most important thing in his life. This means that he makes her even more important than his mates and his job and all the other things that might distract him from being truly present in this relationship.

And for her? Maybe she needs simply to come to believe that she is the best thing that has ever come into his life and trust that if she truly believes that and acts accordingly the validation she seeks will then naturally be there for her.

As the old saying goes: Sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway!

You may agree or disagree with what I have said here. Either way let me know how it strikes you by responding in the “Comments’ link at the bottom of this blog.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Are You in a Domestic Violence Relationship and How to Change It?

May7

Woman Breaking Free

It Is Never OK To Hurt another Human Being

I want to say right upfront that there is never an excuse for Domestic Violence or any shame in being in a relationship where you are a victim of Domestic Violence. You are not alone. The number of people exposed to Domestic Violence is as much as 30% worldwide and it needs to stop.

I’ll say more about that in a moment. Firstly I think it might be helpful to define what Domestic Violence is:

Domestic or Family Violence occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically harm the other partner.

It is important to note that violence happens in many different forms within relationships. It can be perpetrated by a male or female partner however the vast majority of domestic violence is reported to be committed by men against women. Abuse happens to people from every age group, income and educational level and religious and cultural background.

You do not have to be physically hurt to be abused, nor is it ever too late to seek assistance. This means that Domestic Violence can be categorized into several forms.

Here is a list of the different types of Domestic Violence:

  • Physical Abuse includes direct harm against a person, their child, pet or property and includes hitting, slapping, punching, choking, pushing, being thrown against a wall, being hit with objects or injured by weapons.
  • Sexual Abuse is any type of forced or unwanted sexual behaviour between adults.
  • Emotional or Psychological Abuse is similar to verbal abuse. It can leave a person feeling that the relationship problems are their fault. Someone who leaves their partner alone at home or caring for children while the partner goes off to have an affair or live their lives separately could be a victim of this kind of abuse.
  • Verbal Abuse is the use of critical or insulting language or continual put-downs, threats or criticisms.
  • Financial Abuse involves the unequal control of money in a relationship, by making a person dependent upon the perpetrator for money, taking a person’s money or threatening a person for money.
  • Social Abuse is when the victim is denied contact with friends or family who may be able to offer support. Some victims are also made to account for everything they do and everywhere they go.

You Can Change the Situation If You Know Why Domestic Violence Occurs

Hurting someone usually results from being angry, but anger is a secondary emotion. This means that the anger is usually just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what the real feelings are underneath the anger. Often people react angrily when they feel embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, guilty, stupid, sad, fearful or incompetent. These feelings are primary emotions hidden under the surface which need to be identified if any change is going to happen.

Living in a domestically violent household is not easy. However for some leaving a domestically violent household can be even more difficult. So if you find yourself in such a situation go and seek help and if this cannot be with your partner at least take yourself. Sometimes you might be powerless to change your partner but you can change yourself.

And if you are the one who is responsible for Domestic Violence help is at hand. Take yourself to see a professional Counselor. They will not judge you. They really can help you.

Many people fear believing that they might be in a Domestic Violence relationship and some are not sure if what they are experiencing is in fact Domestic Violence. If this sounds like you and you would like to find out if your relationship is an abusive one go to my website at www.acouplesjourney.com and click on the ‘quiz’s and questionnaire’s’ link and complete the assessment titled “Domestic Violence Assessment”. If the assessment indicates that you are at risk please make sure you seek professional help before taking any action.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Can I Ever Trust Her Again?

Apr22

Can I Ever Trust Her AgainPeople make mistakes. Sometimes people make big mistakes and sometimes people make mistakes that regrettably follow them for the rest of their lives. This week’s article is about whether when someone has made a mistake it is possible to ever trust them again.

The short answer is because everyone makes mistakes they should be given a second chance to redeem themselves.

This however has qualifiers – sometimes those mistakes are so big that they are unrecoverable.

So where is the cut-off point?

Maybe a more appropriate question would be to learn about the values that underpin a person’s actions. If those values are sound then it might be entirely appropriate to forgive and get on with it. And maybe this can only be discerned by looking at their behaviour overall rather than just one isolated behaviour.

Let me put this into an example.

Dale, not her real name, is engaged to Allan, not his real name either. Dale is committed to Allan and is looking forward to being married and all that comes with the promise of forever. Dale and Allan still live separately from each other though spend most weekends together. One Friday night Dale is out having drinks with some of her work colleagues as it is a regular Friday night activity. They all have had a few drinks and are enjoying each other’s company.

One of Dale’s male work colleagues makes a pass at her and she responds in an innocently flirtatious way. Finally the night comes to an end and everyone goes their separate ways except for Dale and the office flirt. On the pretence of escorting Dale to her car and realizing that maybe neither of them are fit to drive he offers to walk Dale home.

She accepts the offer and once there welcomes him in for a night-cap before he heads on his way. However one thing leads to another and the two end up sleeping together. Afterwards, when they are sober again, they are both remorseful and vow not to let it happen again.

Sometime later Dale tells Allan of the indiscretion. Needless to say Allan is shocked and disappointed and now unsure if Dale might do this again.

So is this enough of a violation for Allan to sever his relationship with Dale and to not go ahead with the marriage?

In truth only Allan can really answer this question as he now needs to decide whether this is too great a violation for him to be able to find forgiveness and move on. The questions that Allan may need to ask himself may include questions about whether this was indeed a single moment of thoughtlessness or is it a pattern that distinguishes Dale’s values from his own.

Allan may also need to determine the degree of the remorse insofar as whether Dale sees what she has done as indeed a slip or whether her value of monogamy is not as strong as Allan’s.

Allan might actually get more clarity about this by observing Dale’s parents and other family members and what their actions say about the value that they may have passed onto Dale regarding fidelity and trustworthiness.

If after discussions with Dale and a clear understanding of what it was that prompted the infidelity Allan can then make a good decision for their future together.

One thing that Allan should remember here is that it is his life he is making a decision on and this decision is for him to make alone with Dale. Everyone will have their own opinion but to ensure that neither Allan nor Dale should have any regrets they need to make any decision about their futures together for themselves and themselves only.

The other action which would be futile and negative to this relationship is to confront the office flirt who may or may not have taken conscious advantage of Dale. I hear so often people saying that the error was someone else’s. The truth is that we, like Dale, must all assume responsibility for our own actions, all of them.

So can we ever trust again after there has been an indiscretion?

After deciding that it was really only an indiscretion and not reflective of a regular pattern of someone’s way of being then maybe Allan should just move on if for no other reason then that people will make mistakes and everyone deserves to be forgiven so that life can be continued.

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”

The Blame Game

Apr14

The Blame Game

Is It Her or Is It Me?

Couples invariably get to some point in their relationship when they start asking questions about whether any issues that they have, have to do with them, each other or some external factor.

Some of the questions that are asked can be about religion, culture or even age differences as a way of understanding why they are in trouble.

While these differences may impact on the development and growth of a relationship they are not the most important issues as there are just as many relationships with these differences that are successful.

And even in relationships that have no significant distinguishing variances there can be issues that result in the relationship not working.

So if it’s not the differences that ultimately put the greatest pressure on a relationship what is it then?

In all the years that I have worked with couples what I see as the single biggest destroyer of relationships is the “BLAME GAME”. It’s the individual’s unwillingness to take responsibility in their part of what went wrong.

Let me ask you a question – have you ever found yourself saying that if only your partner would be, do, think or speak differently then everything would be ok. Well what about you? What if you would be, do, think or speak differently what do you think would happen?

I constantly surprise clients when they contact me saying that they’d love to come into counselling but their partner doesn’t want to. What I tell them is to: “Just bring yourself into counselling. We can do couples work without your partner ever have to be there”. Then they’re further surprised when they notice things actually changing for them when they put into practice the things I suggest to them to do.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Top of this list of things you can do is to STOP THE BLAME GAME! Everything that your partner does happens for a reason and you are as much a part of that reason as they are.

Firstly they learned, either by observation of their parents are other close family members, or from their own life experience, what to do and how to act when they are in conflict. For some of you this might be to go quiet and withdraw, yell louder than your partner, or distract yourself with something, or someone else.

So when you are in conflict as an adult your tendency will be to return to those old ways of responding. And as you do it your way your partner will do it their way.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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For When All But Hope Is Gone

Apr1
Paris, City of Love

So often I meet with couples who are on the brink of separation. It seems that even while there might still be a skerrick of hope they don’t know what to do about it and decide to separate because they simply can’t see any other way out.

Here is one question that came to me recently that follows this line.

“I have been married for ten years. In the tenth anniversary month, we are in the process of splitsville. One thing we both agree with is that the challenges “do not appear insurmountable”. But guess what, we just have not been able to crack. … No outings, limited intimacy living like roommates. At the moment we are getting ready for court, we are on the brink, what do we do, given that there is a sliver of hope?”

Deciding whether or not to end a relationship is just as hard as being left. Although you may be very dissatisfied or wonder if you have any love left, you may be reluctant to really make a break.

Tormenting yourself over whether or not to continue the relationship may interfere with looking at the changes you need to make in yourself. Don’t count on a new partner to take away any underlying insecurity you might have.

Before making the final decision to stay or leave, consider the following:

Do not expect yourself to feel love for your partner when you are feeling resentful. These two emotions are virtually incompatible. If you are feeling resentful at all you deal with that first. If you can’t talk to your partner about this just yet, speak to a professional Counsellor first to defuse it before it becomes too big to manage and it overwhelms you.

Imagine yourself living with your partner on even days and living apart on odd days. Contemplate what it feels like in each of these scenarios to test whether it feels more right to be together or to be separate.

Do not let anyone pressure you into a decision. Only you can make the correct choice for you. If you are not ready to make it just yet then it’s best to pause making any decision until you are ready. It might mean that your partner will make their own decision to separate in the meanwhile and if this happens you will have to accept the consequences.

I teach my clients a strategy which I call “Traffic Light”

Red stands for ‘stop’. So when you need to make a decision, or you are being asked to do something which you are not sure about, stop whatever you are doing and take some time to think about what is happening. This is represented by the yellow light; slow down and be prepared to take careful and well thought through action. Green stands for ‘go’. Take the action that has been well thought through and is the best action to take for the situation you are in.

Discover how you allow yourself to be a victim by talking to friends or a Counsellor. You will not stop feeling resentful until you stop giving up your power. You can control your life and what you think, do and say and know that if you take the time to consider your situation carefully you will make the right decision.

Identify one change you are going to make in yourself to develop your decision-making skill. Make this change consistently until you sense that you are no longer acting like a victim.

Make a final decision only after making these necessary changes in yourself. This will give you a much better sense of what you need to do next.

Often people, by their inaction, stay in relationships far too long often until they have no love left. If this sounds a bit like you take action now. Don’t let the situation go until you get to that point of resentment. And if there is any hope at all make a commitment right now to do whatever you need to do to really give this relationship the best chance you can give it.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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When The Yelling Becomes Too Much

Mar25

Yelling

So often I hear from couples that they get to a place in their relationship where they are just constantly yelling at each other. And not only do they complain of having constant yelling matches but also that the arguments are as often as not about nothing so that afterwards they are left wondering what was the point of it all anyway.

It may surprise you to know that there is actually a point and if you think that is actually nothing to do with the topic of the argument you would be right.

The point is this. As you come through the honeymoon phase of your relationship there is a need to re-establish your own identity separate from each other. All this time you have been entangled with each other in a dance only for two. You now need to pull away from each other again in order to get on with your own lives.

This is totally normal and as it should be. You need to re-immerse yourself in your work, in your friendships and in your own interests to ensure that you continue your personal journey as you carry on with your couple’s journey.

To allow this you subconsciously start to find the flaws in each other. This includes the discovery that each of you are human after all with all of the faults and failings that comes with being human.

For so long you have simply only seen each other through rose-coloured glasses. This is now the time to take off the glasses and notice that your partner is not all you’ve attempted to convince yourself they are.

You struggle with this idea. Your prince or princess is really human after all just like you.

The only way you can humanly separate from another person is to create conflict. Just like an adolescent separating from his or her parents has to create conflict so too do you. Otherwise why would you move away from each other at all?

The tricky bit in all of this is firstly to recognise that the fights are for a good reason even if there seems to be no reason at all. Then, and maybe even more importantly, it is going to be critical for each of you to embrace the opportunity that you are providing each other here for growth ensuring in the meanwhile you don’t lose sight of your relationship in the process,

Something to note here is that there are people who are addicted to love. These people are likely to use these fights as a way of leaving the relationship and to seek another to replace it. Some people go their whole lives flitting from one relationship to another. They may even believe that the relationship is over so can’t even contemplate that maybe it’s just a phase.

Then there are others who just believe that they will never actually find love at all and give up even trying to find the way out of the current dilemma.

So if you find yourself yelling and arguing with your partner, pause a moment before making a decision about whether to quit or not. If the arguments really don’t have much substance, other than it being a tug of war to prove that you are right, maybe there is something else going on here.

If this happens take the time to really look deeply within yourself to check whether this is really just a phase and it’s worth the effort to work through or is this truly a sign that you are simply not compatible and maybe should separate from each other before too much damage is done.

If you can’t see the difference clearly seek some professional help before making a decision you may come to regret.

One strategy to really test this out is to commit to going all out for at least thirty days giving 100% of your effort to this relationship without question or regret. Love your partner unreservedly with all the love you have. This might even mean stepping back to allow that person some space to grow in as you take space for your own growth.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What is Unconditional Love and Where Do I Get It?

Mar18

Love

I think this is a brilliant question. It’s about the difference between Unconditional Love and Conditional Love.

I’ll come back to this question in a moment. Let me first tell you a story.

Barb, aged twenty-one, and Baz, aged twenty-four, have known each other for several years and are planning to marry someday soon. Both of them are still discovering who each other is and, like all young couples, have certainly had their fair share of ups and downs.

Barb has had some questions more recently about whether Baz really loves her while Baz is having his own concerns about Barb’s seeming constant need for attention. It seems that Baz is starting to pull away somewhat as he claims his own life back while Barb is feeling her self-esteem is being challenged.

In truth Barb and Baz are a fairly normal couple and are doing exactly what all normal couples should be doing at this stage of their relationship. Having passed through the “honeymoon” stage of their relationship, where everything is rosy and it feels like you have found your soul mate, you are now going through the stage where you actually can see each other warts and all.

This is now the stage when you are making the decision about whether you like each enough to want to spend the rest of your life together. It is the stage where you must separate somewhat from each other as you reclaim your identity separate from each other. Normally this also means that one of you will start the process before the other as the pull will be stronger for one of you over the other.

It is also a time where relationships are either made or results in you separating fully from each other because of the impact of this stage on your self-esteem.

There are many questions being asked at this time not just about your compatibility but also about whether you are committed enough to this relationship to continue to work on it as you work on your own personal growth.

As you both go through this mini separation you also are challenged by the learning that maybe you don’t know each other as well as you may have once thought and indeed at times it might seem like you don’t really know each other at all.

The difference between conditional and unconditional love is that conditional love has some proviso attached to it: “I’ll love you if …” Sometimes this is actually spoken out loud but as often it is just a silent thought, maybe only heard unconsciously.

Unconditional love is love that is given regardless. It has been said that the only time we really experience unconditional love is just after our birth and even then maybe only for as long as our mother and father are able to stay awake till they need to get to sleep themselves from exhaustion.

You then spend the rest of your life searching for that unconditional love again most often to no avail until you meet the love of your life. And even that only lasts for a short time before it too seems to be taken away.

And that’s when you are left with questions like the following: “When you ask your partner to hold you, and they do, are they holding you just because you asked them to or because they want to?”

In our fairy tale world we would like our partners to instinctively know what we want and provide it unconditionally. We are still seeking our mother substitute.

The sad thing is if we believe this we will never enter into a relationship at all. This is for the simple reason that there is no-one in the world who can know you as well as your mother did when she gave birth to you. Your very survival depended on her knowing what you needed and to understand what every utterance you made meant before even you did.

As adults, we are no longer connected with another human being that way, and it would be unhealthy if we did, which also means that if you want something from your partner you will have to ask for it or else they won’t know.

If they then fulfil your request don’t look too deeply into the reason why, just accept it as a sign of their unconditional love for you for which you need do nothing in return other than give them your love unconditionally when they request something specifically from you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Am I Just Insecure Or Jealous?

Mar11

Am I Just Insecure Or Jealous?

A question I was asked recently was about the apparent need for a fiancé to continue to contact previous girlfriends. It went something like this:

“I wonder why my fiancé can’t get over with his past relationships. We’ve been together for two years and I recently found out that he was trying to reach his ex-girlfriends. It hurt me so much. I wasn’t expecting that he was the one who took the first move. We had a fight over this. The conversation was so nasty. Is it my fault? Or am I just insecure or jealous?”

I was saddened to read this as it seems to come up again and again for couples. I think the real culprit here is simply that some people, despite the fact that they no longer are in a relationship, have not yet really finished their business in those former relationships. And interestingly this can even be the case for the person who initiated the ending of the relationship in the first case.

So let’s take a closer look at what this might actually be about. As you are growing up the way you are treated by your parents and other close family, together with your observations of others in relationship, shapes the way you become as an adult in your relationships. This shaping defines what you do, think, feel and say and how you present yourself to the world.

My theory is that the resulting beliefs directs us to fall in love with people who on the surface may appear quite different from us but who underneath we unconsciously know will reaffirm the beliefs we already have about ourselves, others and relationships.

We then go on in one of two ways. We will both embrace the differences, as opportunities for learning, and take on some of those qualities becoming more whole in terms of the options we now have for responding to life’s events. The other option is that we turn against those differences as we become more fixed in our own opinions.

The problem with this is that you don’t learn anything from the experience. And as you stand fixedly in your position you run the risk of losing the relationship as the conflict between you will invariably escalate.

So what has this to do with what so often happens in future relationships?

Well there is a reason why you are attracted to all the people who come into your life. If you have finished your business with them you are more likely to come to the conclusion that you are simply not ever going to be well-matched. You can then step away from that part of your life and truly move on as you embark on another, hopefully more healthy, relationship.

The alternative is that you simply walk away from the relationship as a reaction to whatever was going on, or not going on, without ever really having learned or rationally made any sense of what actually happened and why.

You leave still angry and then go into another relationship unresolved to the previous one. Why then would you not still be attracted to those from earlier relationships as the opportunities for growth are still to be found there if only you open your eyes to it.

So for the new partner there may indeed be a sense of disconnection from this person. And while there is still some unfinished business for the other, there is also something for the new partner to learn as well. It might feel like jealousy or insecurity, and maybe the other person might like you to wear the responsibility for what might not be working in your relationship so they don’t have to. But this actuality may not be yours entirely.

The way through this is to take responsibility for what is yours, and your thoughts and feelings are your responsibility, to come to accept that you are OK. Your partner also has to take responsibility for their thoughts and feelings; to figure out what it is that s/he needs to learn to truly be able to put that old stuff aside once and for all so they can focus fully, without any distraction, on the current relationship.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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