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How come the sex is great but we don’t know how to talk to each other?
Good Sex and good communication are possibly two of the most critical components in determining whether a marriage or a relationship is a happy one. And maybe, along with love, is what makes a relationship strong enough to make the distance.
If your relationship lacks any of these three components, you definitely need to do some serious thinking, or you will very likely lose it. So a relationship with only love and sex without communication is as much at risk as love and communication is without sex or sex and communication is without love.
For this article I’m going to only address love and sex without communication as it is the one that seems to come up most often.
Reasons for Not Talking
There can be many reasons that you do not talk with your partner. It may be that when both of you work, you do not really have time to talk. You also have less time for each other and therefore for your relationship.
If this is how it is for you, you will need to consider the impact that this will have on your relationship and consider whether this is really to your advantage long-term. Of course sometimes the situation you find yourselves is unavoidable because of your families needs or because you have jobs that require shift work or your jobs take you away from your families. In these situations you need then to consider very carefully whether the price of holding such positions long-term is worth it especially if the price is the loss of your relationship and maybe your family.
Now you really will need to have a conversation to figure out what you could do to ensure that your work commitments do not impose so heavily on your relationship.
Sometimes you can’t change the circumstances but maybe, with a little imagination, you can make the most of what you’ve got. At these times you really need to get creative. One simple resolution could be for you to make other time to get together. Maybe this could be a lunchtime outing, even if it’s only a short break. Maybe you can both plan to take some time off together and go to breakfast or maybe a restaurant for dinner to create for you some quality time. Some real talk time.
Radical Differences
If finding the time isn’t the issue, then the reason might be more about something to do with the existence of radical differences between you. Maybe your thinking is also quite different from each other and whenever you talk, you end up arguing about something or maybe you just don’t feel you have anything interesting to contribute to a conversation with each other.
Then there are those people, who are just very shy or introverted. They do not share much of their life with anyone including their partners. If this sounds like your partner, you need to arouse in them the desire to speak, by talking about things they like. If this sounds like you then you need to find something in your life that you can get excited enough about to want to share the experience with your partner. This means for you to be involved in whatever it might be away from your partner which then gives you something to share when you come back together again.
Above all it’s important to know that communicating effectively is a skill. It is not there at our birth. It is learned initially from our parents who demonstrate the skills of their own communication styles in the way they addressed you and other family members when you were young. From these experiences come your beliefs about yourself and your right to a voice and to the expression of that voice.
So start in small ways. Maybe turn the TV off for a while and read to each other, a book or even the newspaper to give you some topics to begin to talk about. Then you might find it easier to speak about yourselves and what is important to you.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Are You Addicted To Love?
Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life and maybe only second to becoming a parent. Consequently it is crucial that it is a decision made with considerable thought and care to ensure that, as much as possible, it will create a lasting relationship.
Having said that I have never come across anyone who made a decision to marry with the intent of divorcing and yet, as we know, more than 40% of first marriages do end in divorce and the statistics are even higher for second and subsequent marriages – 60%++.
Is There Something Wrong That They Have Been Married Three Times?
Maybe there is or maybe it is that some people just keep making wrong decisions. For some people it just takes time to figure out that the relationship is just not working. Maybe some people are just poor judges of character or don’t know themselves well enough to know who actually might be a good match for them.
Maybe there are people who just don’t take the time needed to know someone well enough, or long enough, before diving into a marriage.
And then there are those who are just plain addicted to love. It’s like the beginning part of a relationship, the honeymoon stage, feels so good that they want to create it again and again. So as soon as the fire in the current relationship starts to flicker then the love addict will end the relationship and go and seek the buzz of another new relationship.
If a person has been married three times should I stay away from them?
As already spoken about there can be many reasons why people end a marriage. So for someone who has been married three times, the decision to marry them, or not, needs to be based on a clear understanding as to why this has happened in the past and the likelihood of it happening again.
If they have come to understand what it means to be married and still want to marry you then there should be no problem. If you don’t go ahead you might be missing out on the possibility of creating something truly beautiful with your soul mate. And while they might not have been able to make it with someone else it might just be that this time it will work with you.
Marriage is a very beautiful relationship and the depth of relationship that is possible comes from the heart not from the mind. The mind may tell you not to marry a person who has been divorced, but the heart tells you marry them, because you love them. Listen to what both your heart and mind have to say and then make a decision. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones to make it last your lifetime.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Three Simple Steps to Getting Him Back
Friends and the Media are full of ideas about how to get your boyfriend back after he has dumped you. Here is a sample of some of the things that I have heard and read:
“Getting your ex back is not difficult. You just have to be a bit subtle and think from the point of view of a man. Keep one thing in mind; you got him once so you can get him again.”
“Do not plead with him to get back with you. No man likes a girl who is so miserable for him, and do not do anything that is stupid, even if you are desperate to get back with him. Be patient, it might take a while for him to get back with you again.”
“Do not show him that you are desperate to get him back. Do not be a stalker. Try to be mature. If you meet him at work or at the mall, or some other place, just say hello, ask how he is, and move on. If he asks something more, answer it but then leave it at that. Neither should you start begging him to get back with you nor should you be rude. Stay calm when you meet him.”
“If he calls you then do not show that you are very thrilled to get his call, just give a mild “OKAY” expression, to show that it does not matter if he calls you or not. If he does not call, you can call him every couple of weeks just to ask how he is doing. Do not tell him with straight words that you want to get back with him.”
“Avoid calling him 10 times a day or going to his home or wherever he might be. If you do so, he will dislike you even more than before. You have to be very subtle, you have to deliver him the message that you miss him, yet you cannot say it in words.”
The Better Way to Get Him Back
I’m not sure that any of this advice is sensible let alone the way to go when your boyfriend has left you. Here are my thoughts on the topic:
Firstly ask yourself this question and be very honest with the answer – “Given all that has happened do you really want him back?” If the answer is “no” then nothing more needs to be said. If the answer is “yes because it is just so painful to be the one left” – then check further if this is a good enough reason to fight for him to come back.
If the answer is “yes!” because you really want him to be a part of your life, then follow these three steps:
- Take some time firstly to figure out what went wrong so you can ensure that you don’t get into the same situation again.
- It might even be sensible to write down what you have learned about yourself, others, relationships and/or life that will make this breakup a positive experience rather than a negative experience.
- Then find some way to put into words, as openly and as honestly as you can what you understand as being your responsibility for what went wrong with a request for forgiveness of that.
When you’ve complete these three steps find a way then to deliver the message to him. This might be delivered via a card, an electronic communication or in person. As you request forgiveness of him make sure you also discover a way to forgive yourself.
Warning! Warning!
A word of caution here: the purpose of this exercise is not to obtain an apology from him nor to guilt him into coming back to you. Be genuine in your apology and know that it may or may not get him back. You need to accept whatever the outcome of that apology is. The purpose here is to find a path to clear away any baggage from the past so you open a way to the future which might be either with or without him.
Hopefully he will have followed a similar process and together you will make a good decision about whether it’s worth giving it another go or whether it really is time to move on.
And it goes without saying that the same formula applies if you are the man in this relationship where she has walked out on you.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Nine Indicators That Your Relationship Is In Deep Trouble
Why Do My Parents Hate Each Other So Much?
I was speaking to a young boy this week, let’s call him Mat (not his real name), who asked me a question about his divorcing parents – “Why do my parents hate each other so much?”
I found myself searching for an answer and finally said: “I don’t believe your parents really ‘hate’ each other but maybe are just so angry with each other, and with the situation they are in, that it looks like they really hate each other.”
I went on further to explain my belief that in order for a couple to actually go through the process of divorcing from each other they also must go through what seems like ‘hate’ before they can really do it.
Mat then asked me: “So how did they get into that position in the first place?” The only way I know how to answer this is to believe that one or more of a set of factors became evident and ultimately became more stressful than the good that existed between the couple. When this reaches that point of being unbearable then the relationship blows out and separation and/or divorce become thereby inevitable.
John Gottman, an eminent Couples Researcher discovered after studying the incident of divorce for more than thirty years came up with a set of predictors that measure whether a couple is potentially at risk of divorce. Here they are:
- Did you marry at an early age?
- Did you not graduate from high school?
- Are you in a low-income bracket?
- Are you in an interfaith marriage?
- Did your parents divorce?
- Do you criticize one another?
- Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
- Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
- Do you feel contempt for one another?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, then you are statistically at a higher risk for divorce than couples who have reasonable expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another.
So this is not to say that if you answered “yes” to any one of these question you are going to divorce. What it does mean is that you have got some working out to do to ensure that you do not go that route.
And here’s the really good news: knowing the areas that leaves you in risk of divorcing means that you know what areas you most need to work with. The time is now to find a well qualified therapist to help you resolve these issues before they destroy your relationship.
And as for Mat’s parents? The issues that I suspect are current for them are more to do with how they have related to each other rather than anything to do with cultural, education or financial issues. They are very critical of each other, withdraw regularly, and I think the ‘hate’ that Mat is observing has actually now become contempt for each other as they continue to separate themselves further and further. It’s like they are on a downward spiral and are unable to stop what is happening.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Can I Be In A Relationship and Still Be Me?
There is a very common question that people ask when they are about to go into a relationship and it is this:
“Can I be in a relationship and still be me?”
Well this simple question has a very simple answer: “Yes!” The most basic building block of a relationship is love and those who truly love you, love you for who you are. Let me explain “love” to you so you can get the answer to this question yourself.
Love is a feeling that we have towards someone because we like an attribute that they have. This may be something like their values, simplicity, honesty etc. This is true love, and this is real love.
Consider how it would be to begin a relationship where you pretend to be something you are not. If your future partner comes to love your “unreal self” the moment they find out about your true self they may stop loving you. Because they loved a particular attribute that you pretended to have and you actually did not have it: Quality gone, love gone.
If in a relationship, you show yourself “better” than you are, then the love will absolutely be fake, and basing the relationship on fake love would vis-à-vis make the love fake also. What is the need to save a fake relationship? Why would you pretend to save a fake relationship? Such is a relationship for which you have to pretend. However, at the end, such a relationship has no value. The people who love your real self truly love you, and as the saying goes will continue to love you “warts and all”.
Therefore, the question could instead be, “Can I have a successful relationship while I pretend to be something I am not”, and the answer to it would be no. If you think from the perspective that you might have to give up your attitude or you might have to become compliant the answer is the same; be real to get real love.
The tricky bit about this is that we all present our “best selves” when we first meet someone and consider going into a relationship. So is this fake? No – this is just presenting ourselves in a very conscious way. The problem with many relationships that go bad is not that they are fake but maybe it is because we stop being conscious of what we do in the presence of the other: We “let ourselves go” which is a disservice to ourselves as well as to the other person who would be our partner.
The lesson here then is: be yourself and while being the best you can be, by valuing yourself above all others, also be the best you can be for your partner and value equally that person and your relationship. In this way you can truly be who you are meant to be for you and for your partner. There is no pretence here, nothing fake just you being as real as you can be consciously and lovingly.
So until next time – Relate with Love
Exercise 15: What’s Your Favorite Position?
Exercise 14: What’s Your Favorite Position?
Exercise 13: What’s Your Favorite Position?
Presentation July 16, 2014
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If you would like to attend please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.
Relationship Remedy 