Tag Archive | Marriage

Sex, Money & Children: How to Avoid Couples’ Greatest Battles

Apr3

Some of life’s greatest battles are over issues such as money, sex and children. While these are issues that elicit passionate responses and feelings, it is possible to deal with these issues without arguing. In fact not only can you avoid battles over these issues, but these issues can also enhance your relationship. Having realistic expectations about these issues can help you avoid or resolve any conflicts over these issues.

Sex can be a source of trouble in a relationship. Too much sex, not enough sex and sex that is too routine are common complaints in a relationship. Some of these battles may be avoided by scheduling sexual encounters on a regular basis. While it may sound unromantic to do this, the truth is that with work, children and other responsibilities sometimes there just isn’t time for sex unless it is scheduled ahead of time.

Scheduling will ensure that you both engage in physical contact every so often instead of letting this aspect of your relationship take a back seat to other obligations. Boring or routine sex is another common complaint in a relationship. You can keep things interesting by varying your routine every once in a while and trying new things.

You can also avoid problems related to sex in your relationship by discussing your likes and dislikes with your partner and encouraging your partner to be open with you about their likes and dislikes as well. Sex is a healthy and necessary part of a relationship but it can also be a source of conflict in the relationship.

So keep it interesting. Try new places and new ways to make love. And don’t always expect that just because you feel like your partner will also. Similarly don’t expect that every time you come to bed that an orgasm has to be the outcome. Sometimes it’s enough to lie together cuddling and stroking each other.

Money can also be a tremendous source of tension and disagreements in a relationship. Many couples struggle with financial matters and this perpetual struggle leads to tension in their relationship.

One way to alleviate the tensions associated with financial concerns is to make sure you both are involved in any financial decisions that need to be made especially in regards to large purchases. If both of you are aware of the amount of resources available to you and your monthly expenditures, you will both have a better understanding of where you stand financially.

Sharing in making these decisions will also ensure that each of you has the opportunity to voice your opinions or concerns and feelings as though you are working as a team with your partner.

Conversely, if one of you makes a large purchase without consulting your partner, the relationship may suffer. When a couple shares the financial responsibilities there is less likely to be problems that arise as a result of finances than there are when one of you takes sole responsibility for the finances. This could be for no other reason that if you are both aware of where you are financially and you both take responsibility for it then there are no surprises for either of you and consequently no place for blame if things go awry.

Children are a blessing in a relationship but they can also be a source of many battles in the relationship. The most important issue with children is whether or not you are both ready to have children. If only one of you wants to have children then introducing children into the relationship can be a recipe for disaster.

If you are not both committed to having and raising children then it is best to put off having children until you are both ready to be parents. If children are already a part of the relationship, they can still cause problems. Arguments over disciplinary strategies are very common. You may not agree on how to discipline your child and this disagreement can not only be detrimental to your relationship but can also be confusing for your child.

To avoid battles over children make sure you and your partner are committed to having children before attempting to conceive and discuss disciplinary strategies and come to an agreement that you will both abide by in dealing with the children.

Money, sex and children are the subjects that couples argue about most often. These volatile subjects can also be a source of great joy when managed correctly but until the couple learns how to do this, they will continue to be explosive issues. The keys to dealing with these issues without starting battles is to tread lightly and not force your opinions, discuss the issues before they arrive and try to make the best of the existing situations without constant complaints.

So until next time – Relate with Love

10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Jan31

Having a happy marriage doesn’t necessarily come easily just because you love each other.  While love is very important in a marriage sometimes it just isn’t enough and you have to work at your marriage just like any other relationship.

Marriage is a multi-faceted relationship that needs to be nurtured in all of its capacities in order to be successful.  Even the more mundane tasks such as household chores and paying the bills can factor into the well-being of your marriage.

1. Both of you in the marriage must be prepared to put your partner’s happiness ahead of your own from time to time for the marriage to truly work.  Sometimes this requires being willing to make sacrifices for each other for the good of the marriage. If either of you is completely self-centred and unwilling to make sacrifices it will likely create resentment in the marriage.

At times the sacrifices may be big but most often it’s the smaller things that matter most.  Even preparing a dish that you don’t like but that you know your spouse likes lets your partner know that you care and are willing to put their happiness first at times.

2. While making sacrifices is important in a happy marriage, it is also important to sometimes do things that are just for you.  It’s great to have a lot of common interests but it’s also essential to have some things that you enjoy doing on your own.

Having some separate activities gives you a little time away from your partner once in a while and gives you a chance to realize how much you miss them when you are apart.  It also gives you an opportunity to explore things on your own and prevents boredom in the relationship.

3. Another secret to a happy marriage is to maintain an intimate and affectionate relationship.  Sharing physical closeness will keep your marriage happy.  Even small gestures such as hugs or holding hands give you the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse on a daily basis.

4. Finances can cause a great deal of stress in a marriage so it is important to do your best to ensure that you do not allow your financial situation to come between you.

When financial concerns arise it is important to discuss the problems so that both of you are aware of what is going on and to work on establishing a budget together.  Working together on this issue will make sure that neither of you feels left out of the decision making process and neither of you bears the stress of worrying about finances on your own.

5. Sharing household chores is another secret to a happy marriage.  If either of you feels as though you are taking on too much responsibility in the household it can lead to resentment.

Not only does sharing these responsibilities prevent resentment but it also gives you an opportunity to work as a team which strengthens your bond.  Both of you need to take an active role in completing household chores and letting your partner know if you are beginning to feel overburdened so some new decisions can be made.

6. It’s also important that you let your partner know if they have said or done something to hurt you.  Failure to do so will allow the problem to continue which may in turn cause further problems.

If you bottle up your feelings your partner will be unaware of what they have done and may be likely to repeat their actions.  You also may begin to avoid your partner because you are angry and you don’t want to start a confrontation.  Your partner in turn may sense you behaving differently and be annoyed by your behaviour.

7. Understanding that you and your partner won’t always be in complete agreement is also critical to a happy marriage.  While you may agree on a lot of things it’s unrealistic to believe that you and your partner will be in sync at all times.  It’s okay to disagree sometimes as long as you respect each other’s feelings and beliefs and do not think that any one disagreement will be the end of the relationship.

8. Spontaneity is also an important part of a happy marriage.  Allowing yourselves to fall into a predictable pattern can lead to boredom but being spontaneous at times will prevent boredom from setting in and keep the relationship interesting.

9. Maybe most important of all the skills in marriage is open communication. Without communication the relationship will continually struggle.

It’s important to be honest with your partner and share your concern and to listen to what your partner has to say while making an effort to understand their point of view before responding.

Communicating about problems and concerns is important but it’s also important to communicate about your daily lives and even your aspirations for your personal future.

10. Finally, remembering why you married your partner is one of the most important secrets of a happy marriage.  Always keep in mind what it is about your partner that drew you to them in the first place will make certain that you never forget your love for your partner.  It will also ensure that they are always beautiful in your eyes.

Many things may change throughout the course of your marriage but the one thing that will always remain is the reason you fell in love in the first place.
A happy marriage is not guaranteed no matter how much you each love each other.  There are so many variables that can have an effect on the happiness and success of the marriage.  However it is important that both of you realize that you must continuously work on all of these aspects if you want your marriage to remain a happy and healthy one.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Do You Really Know Who Your Partner Is?

Jan9

How often have you gotten to a place in your life with someone you think you know, as well as anyone can, just to find that they continue to surprise you? The surprise might be a pleasant one such as learning about something really amazing they have done in their lives that you had no idea about. Or the surprise might lead to a disappointment in a behavior that you didn’t know they were capable of.

What does this mean? The truth is that you can spend a whole lifetime with a person and not really know who they are. As is the whole planet we live on, we are constantly changing and adapting to our environment.

You are, today, simply a product of all your life’s experiences and your responses to them. How you think, feel and behave is a consequence of all that has happened to you before this time. And how you will be tomorrow will be a product of all that has happened in the past in addition to what you experience today and the decisions you make about you and others as a consequence of that experience.

I spoke with a client today, let’s call her Susan, (not her real name) who met a serviceman a few months ago. Both of them have been busy with their lives and so have not spent a lot of time together before he was ordered back into service. He was not told of his mission before leaving and therefore was not able to let Susan know where he was going to be or when he would be back.

Five weeks have now passed without any communication and Susan is wondering where he is. Has he gone into a war-zone where he is unable to communicate with her, or worse still has he come to some foul play, or is he deliberately avoiding her.

Her confusion about this stems simply from her not really knowing him well enough to know what might be the truth. As I said to her; every couple needs exclusive time to get to know each other at the beginning of a relationship otherwise insecurities will naturally creep in.

In my book, “Relationships – A Couples Journey”, which you will find in my bookshop situated at www.myonlineproductshop.com  I speak further about the stages of relationships and what defines each of these stages in the normal progression of a relationship.

Now, while I have said that we are constantly changing and this should require us to be constantly open to rediscovering who our partners are, there is also value in finding out where our partners have come from; their early life experiences as well as the experiences of their siblings and parents for all these will help you determine what might be the core values of this person particularly in reference to you as a couple.

So what might be some of the things that might be valuable for you to learn about your partner? The questions are actually endless and could be about how they acquired their name, their family history, their favorite things, how their parents resolve conflicts, how they resolve conflicts, what their relationship was like with their siblings growing up and what their hopes are for their future.

Don’t ever stop being curious about who your partner is today and learning about who he or she might become tomorrow. That is what makes relationships really fascinating.

 So until next time – Relate with Love

Communication Breakdown

Jan3

One of the most fundamental elements in any relationship is communication and when communication breaks down its vital that you find out the cause of the breakdown so that you can fix the problem before it permanently damages the relationship.

Communication can break down in a relationship for a variety of reasons. But whether it is the birth of a baby, financial strains or distrust of the other in the relationship it invariably comes down to either lack of time or lack of skills that is the real source of communication failing.

When a new baby arrives tiredness and time constraints while parents are busy with baby naturally put a strain on a relationship. Often it is the case where one of the couple stays home to care for the baby while the other continues to go to work. So not just are there sleepless nights to contend with but changing roles and social and financial pressures as well.

Struggling with financial issues can be extremely stressful for either one or both partners in a relationship.  If one partner typically handles the finances in a relationship they may not wish to worry their partner so they may struggle internally with the financial concerns.

While this is a noble gesture, it can also cause a communication breakdown in the relationship.  The one partner may feel that this is a burden they need to bear on their own and therefore avoid talking about the subject with their partner.  The problem with this is that in trying to avoid conversations regarding finances they may end up avoiding conversations all together.

For example, a conversation about where to go out to dinner may be avoided because thinking about spending too much money on leisure activities causes too much anxiety on one of the partners.  The partner who is unaware of the financial concerns may be offended by their partner’s avoidance of a simple conversation.

Regardless of the cause of the communication breakdown, it is vital to the health of the relationship to reopen the lines of communication. 

One way to avoid or reverse having a communication breakdown over changing roles or finances is to share the responsibility and openly discuss concerns over parenting or financial matters.  Doing this will ensure that neither partner becomes consumed by that responsibility thus preventing it from affecting the relationship.

Changing roles  and financial concerns can induce enough stress to destroy even the most secure relationships but planning ahead and speaking openly can help a couple avoid a communication breakdown.

Distrust is another factor that can affect communication in a relationship.  If one of the partners has a reason to be suspicious of the other it creates a distrust that directly affects communication.

Also, if one person has a reason to feel guilty in a relationship, it may result in a breakdown in communication.  This lack of trust or guilt may result in the couple not wanting to communicate either because they don’t want to have their suspicions confirmed or because they don’t want their secret to be revealed.

These feelings of suspicion or guilt may lead to strained conversations that are purposefully not very meaningful.

One way to avoid a breakdown in communication in this situation is to always be upfront with your partner.  Whether it’s suspicion or guilt that is driving your fear of communication, being honest with your partner will alleviate your fears and reopen the lines of communication.  You run the risk of having your suspicions confirmed but it’s better to be sure than to destroy your relationship while doubt remains.

Since open and honest communication is critical to a healthy relationship, it’s important to understand why communication breaks down and to work towards repairing that.

Simply put: Maintaining or restoring an open and honest communication link can ensure that a relationship not only endures but thrives.

So until next time – Relate with Love

We’re Having A Baby!!

Dec12

The wedding and the honeymoon have now become long distant memories as you, a newly formed couple, settle in to the reality of married life. And while adjusting to being part of a couple brings its own challenges nothing can adequately prepare you for what lies ahead as you contemplate expanding your newly created family further through the introduction of a child.

While the birth of your first child may be a glorious and blessed event that you both look forward to, the arrival of a new baby will inevitably put strains on your relationship.

The addition of a new element into the relationship that previously comprised just the two of you can be stressful.  As you learn to balance your time and ensure that both your partner and your child are receiving enough of your attention, there may be a period where the stress of making this adjustment causes a breakdown in communication.

While they don’t begrudge the attention that you lavish on the new baby it does take an adjustment period to deal with the fact that they no longer are the centre of your universe, or you there’s, with your undivided attention.

Also, typically the birth of a baby leads to a complete change of routine as well as sleep deprivation for you both.

While you may have previously been used to doing things as you please, you now realize that most activities must be planned around the baby’s schedule which is often unpredictable.  This new schedule, coupled with the lack of sleep that typically plagues new parents, can put a great deal of pressure on your relationship.

To avoid a total communication breakdown it is important for you both to realize that you need to allocate time to spend with the baby and also with each other.  You also need to realize that the sleep deprivation is affecting you both and take turns getting up with the baby.  This is even important for those of you where one of you is working at a paid job during the day.

Most importantly accept that everything you used to do may now not be possible. Your home may not be as tidy as it used to be. The dishes may not always get done immediately.

The lesson to learn here is this: Don’t be too tough on yourself. Make plenty of time for rest and recuperation and don’t forget that it’s still important to make some time for fun. This might be for each of you separately from each other as well as together.

And, above all, keep talking to each other. The only sure way for your partner to know what’s going on for you is that you communicate it to them. Remember that when you are both in stress overload you are not so able to be thinking so clearly of the needs of each other. So check in with each other as a matter of course, preferably daily or at least weekly to ensure you are aware of where each of you is at.

Make the time to really hear each other out for there will be good things to share and there may also be some difficult things to share.

These few simple steps can go a long way in reversing or preventing a communication breakdown and even be your guiding light to making your relationship even more than it was otherwise going to be.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Why Marriages Fail

Dec8

Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those don’t even make it past the first year.  Understanding why this happens can be the  key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail.

Some factors that contribute to the failure of a marriage include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues, children and even the circumstances in which the marriage initially took place.  All of these can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the marriage.

Most importantly, when a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage may be doomed before it starts.

Communication is critical to the success of a marriage.  Without appropriate communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue.  If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems can become insurmountable.

Good Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other.  Good Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments.  If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each other’s points of view.

If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or even salvage their marriage.

Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isn’t enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns.  While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage.  Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship.  This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage.  This neglectful behaviour can have the effect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely.

Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure.  A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage.  When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fail.

Some examples of marriage circumstances that may lead to failure may include getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressured to get married by friends and family members.  Neither of these reasons is a truly valid.

Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail.  While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married.  Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of life’s experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.

Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage.  Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married.  With this lessening value placed on marriage in today’s society, couples may not be as strongly committed to making their marriage work and may be quicker to give up on the marriage and each other.

If any of these issues are present in your relationship maybe it would be helpful for you to take a closer look at your relationship and, if needed, seek some assistance to ensure that you don’t become one of the statistics.

So until next time – Relate with Love