Tag Archive | happy marriage

He Has Never Said “I Love You”

Jan19

Daisy and HeartThis email came through to my desk last week and it left me feeling very concerned for the young person who sent it. It said:

“I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two and a half months. We are engaged to be married early next year however I’ve some doubts about him. This is because everybody thinks he loves me except for myself. He has never said “i love you” throughout this period; not even once! I don’t feel loved enough and yet am scared to walk away. Do you think our marriage will work?”

In answering this email I will presume that this person actually has a choice in the matter as to who she marries as this email came from a non-western country. And as I have only a small part of the story I will answer it on the basis that I may be making a few assumptions.

There are a couple of issues being raised in this email. Firstly is the fact that this person has never heard her boyfriend say he loves her. Does this actually mean that he does not love you or that he doesn’t know how to say “I love you!”?

If he has never had it said to him by a parent or significant other as he was growing up then he might not be able to say it. Alternatively if he has grown up without love then he may not know what it feels like to be loved or to love someone else. In this regard he may not know that it could actually be safe to love someone and not be let down or disappointed by that person to whom he may have bared a very vulnerable part of himself.

Of course it may simply be that he does not love you and if that is the case then you should think very carefully about committing yourself to this man on a long-term basis. And as for everyone else thinking that he loves you; what do they base this opinion on? Has he said something to them that he is not willing to share with you? Or are they basing this conclusion on his behaviour and how he treats you?

The other issue that this email raises is whether such a relationship, where people don’t, or can’t speak their truth about love, can actually work. My thought on this is that no marriage can work if both parties aren’t willing to trust the other with their love and with their soul which involves the deepest and most profound parts of themselves.

When you don’t feel loved

Despite all of this the most telling part of this email is reflected in the statement “i don’t feel loved enough and yet am scared to walk away.” My only response to this is; if you don’t feel loved enough at the beginning of your relationship don’t expect to be loved enough later on. I’d like to qualify this by saying that as a relationship continues, and as you come to know each other better, the love generally becomes deeper and more heartfelt.

But this doesn’t just happen. It is the consequence of an open and expressed love that comes from the care a couple shows to each other over time. It could even seem that if that person were to go away that it would feel like having a limb removed as they are such a fundamental part of your own being.

I would also like to ask this person what it is you fear that prevents you from walking away. If you feel that there may not be someone else for you, there is. In actual fact there are probably millions of people around the world that you could be compatible with and with whom you could make a great relationship. If you fear your friends or families judgement remind them that this is your life to live and that you must make your own choices. If it is that you fear him or his retribution then you need to remove yourself immediately from this toxic environment.

Finally let me add one more point. You have only known this person for such a short time before making your marriage plans. Take the time to get to know each other. I don’t have a belief that there is a particular time frame you should be together before getting married but two months, especially when there are doubts, may not really be long enough to come to know anyone well enough to commit to them for the rest of your life.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Knowing When the Time Is Right to Marry

Jan2
Throughout the day the happy couple

 

When I was young, many years ago now, the dream of most young women was to finish school acquire some training of some sort and get a job. In those days it was somewhat limited to secretarial, shop assistant, teaching, air hostessing, or nursing.

Following that was the challenge of finding someone “really nice”, getting married, “settling down” and having kids. There really wasn’t a whole lot to think about and even more choices were taken from you as once you were married or pregnant most women had to leave their employment. There was no such thing as maternity leave or holding your position for you until your return.

The otherwise natural flow of life was then hugely interrupted by the introduction of the contraceptive pill in the 1960’s. The claim was that couples were now able to make their own decisions about becoming pregnant and starting their family.  Then there was a further development in the 1970’s that made it legal for women to have an unwanted pregnancy terminated creating even more choices for couples to make about beginning a family. And then all the other political advances in women’s rights that have elevated women to take positions of seniority have created even more choices in how we live our lives.

And now, so many years later, I believe the decisions that couples have to make, may in actual fact, whilst claiming to liberate them, actually be inhibiting them.

When is the time right?

I’m not saying that we should go back to the old times. What I am saying is that for some couples the number of choices now available to them may actually slow them into indecision.

I’ve had this conversation with several of my own adult children all of whom are in happy relationships and two of whom are married with children. The conversations we have about the time being right for anything happening in their lives, as it is for many who have sent questions into me, tends to revert back to where they are in their career, financially, or in their relationship and concerns they hold about the future of their relationship given the high incidence of relationship breakdown.

I hear so many people experiencing distress over these decisions and the want to have everything perfect or at least as they would wish it to be, before they venture into the next phase of their lives.

But, as I remind my clients so often, life is not an end point. It will never be perfect. The time will never be exactly right. Life is a journey and can only be lived that way.

And as my husband reminds me;  the most memorable holidays we’ve had are the ones that were not perfect, where we’d find ourselves in the most amazing of places meeting the most incredible people and having the most bazaar experiences. These are the stories that we like to tell over and over again.

In our naivety of half a century ago we simply made do. We lived in “shoeboxes” furnished with mismatched pieces we could scavenge from family and friends. We passed around babies clothes from one to another as our children grew and spent time on the weekends making whatever fun we could to entertain ourselves and our children.

So here’s the answer to choosing or knowing when is the right time; to live together, to marry, to have children or whatever other decision you are struggling with right now. The answer is there is; no right time. As I have said to my own children – if it feels right just do it and let the future take care of itself. It will anyway!

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What’s The Good Of Marrying?

Dec23

To Marry Or Not To Marry

This week I received an email with a number of questions relating to the good of getting married. Here are my answers as they were asked in the email.

What are the procedures involved in getting married?

I guess the starting point to getting married is to get the permission of the intended first. If that person agrees then there may be a need to get parents permission.

While in most cultures this request is generally initiated by the man there are times when it might be initiated by the woman. One of these times might be the 29 February. This is the one day that only comes up every four years as, by the Gregorian calendar, it is a leap year. And guess what that happens next in 2016. So girls go for it.

Then once your proposal has been accepted then the opportunities are endless depending on whether you would be married by a minister of your church or by a celebrant.

One thing I always encourage couples who are preparing to marry is to do a marriage preparation course whether this is one conducted by a minister or a counsellor in the community. There is simply no better way to insure your marriage for long-term success.

Is it necessary to get married?

Well this is an interesting question and really is at the discretion of those who might be contemplating marriage to decide.

In some countries and cultures there could be a requirement that before two people can live together they must be married. In other cultures, such as our western culture, marriage is optional before living together.

The research indicates however that people who actually get married may have a stronger commitment to their partner to make the relationship succeed. In the same way those who choose to live together may be more ready to leave if the relationship begins to falter.

Is there any merit in marriage? If yes, what are they?

As I said above the merit in marriage is that it is a commitment made to another person in front of witnesses, which, by its very nature, has the psychological impact of being more compelling to work at this relationship through the good times and in bad, through sickness and in health.

The decision to marry requires the couple to really think about where they want their relationship to go. This also hopefully gets them thinking and questioning beyond today, and what they want right now, to considering the future even to the point of ’til death do them part.

But maybe the greatest value in marriage is that it allows couples to feel secure knowing that their partner willingly takes a vow to commit fully to them. And hopefully this also means that before just walking out when things get tough they firstly make every effort to find a way through the difficulty that is presenting itself.

Is it necessary to have children? If yes, for what reasons?

The simple answer? No it’s not necessary to have children. Some believe however that to have children is the reason for marrying and the ultimate reason for being.

My belief is that to have children, or not, is a decision for each couple to make as is appropriate to their own circumstances. Of course there are those couples who for a variety of reasons are unable to, or choose not to, have children. Their relationship is based on connections other than children which is also entirely appropriate.

What are the differences between a wedding and customary marriage?

This is a huge question and worthy of a book in itself. Every cultural group on the planet has its own way of celebrating the joining of two people in marriage through some kind of wedding ceremony.

And each of these ways will have its own customs and traditions. The wedding celebration simply defines the date of commencement of a marriage; one that hopefully will last a lifetime and will provide the couple with ongoing joy and happiness.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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When Is It Ok To Lie In a Relationship and When Is It Not?

Dec17

Truth or Lie

You wake up in the morning and look across to the person you say you care for more than any one in the world. What do you really think about this person? Does he/she immediately fill you with love and adoration or are you thinking terrible or maybe even contemptuous thoughts about that person.

You get up and go to the shower in preparation for the work day. You weight yourself and realize that you have put on a few kilos. You say to yourself “Oh, that’s just because of the extras I had at dinner last night. It will be ok”.

You sit down to breakfast and find yourself wishing your partner were different somehow. If only they’d dress differently, act differently, weren’t so selfish, paid better attention to you or whatever it is. You don’t say anything.

You go to the office and find yourself seeking out that one special person who is always so nice to you. You flirt with them and find yourself requesting or agreeing to meet after work for drinks. Over time this leads to more regular meetings until one day this becomes more serious. You convince yourself this is not an affair but just a “bit of fun” that you can control and that no-one is being hurt by it.

And then one day you lose the control and the innocent flirting becomes a one-night-stand, the one-night-stand becomes a fling and the fling becomes a full-blown affair that now seems to have a mind of its own.

You have reached the point of no return and you realize you are now in really deep trouble.

How many lies were told in this story?

The truth is we all lie sometime and most of us lie most of the time.

We lie to ourselves about what is going on in our life and we lie to ourselves about what is going on in our relationships. And we lie to each other about what is going on in our relationships as well.

The lies are expressed in one of two ways; either by what we actually do say but most often the lies are expressed by what we don’t say.

So what should you do when you find yourself lying or catch someone out in a lie?

I often get asked questions about lying. When is it ok? When is it not? What to do when you find someone has lied to you? Should you forgive a lie?

The answer is not as simple as it might appear. You might be thinking that you simply should never lie. But as Allan Pease, in his book “Body Language”, says; to be socialised is to lie.

In other words every day we are confronted with situations, such as the first utterance we make when greeting someone, when we say: “how are you?” (As if we really care). The inevitable reply is: “fine thanks, how are you?”

We say this when what we’d really like to say is something like: “I feel terrible; the kids are mucking up, my husband does nothing to help me, and I’m fed up.” Or for the man who might really want to say; “I’m so over it. I work hard to provide for my family and there’s no thanks when I get home; just nagging to do more around the house and for the kids.”

This response would be heard as complaining and, while it might be the truth, is most often not aired in public.

So what about the lies that should never be told?

This is how I advise my clients. If you have done something wrong for which you think you should tell the truth about ask yourself these questions first.

  1. If I tell the truth about this for whom am I doing it? If it’s just about my own feelings of guilt – then think carefully about the good of that for the other person. If it’s because they really deserve to know then you must tell the truth.
  2. If I tell the truth what good will it do? If it means an opportunity to start afresh then you must tell the truth and deal with the consequences as they come.
  3. If I tell the truth what do I want as the outcome of doing that? Keep that outcome in mind to give each of you a chance to get to that rather than having the truth lead you to a place of regret.

And here are a couple of things you can do to help you both get to the best outcome.

  1. Create a good place and time for the conversation to happen.
  2. Alert the person to what it is you want to talk about prior to the meeting so they can prepare themselves for it.
  3. Before saying what you want to say in truth, let the other know how you would prefer for them to respond eg “There is something I need to let you know, and I hope that once you’ve heard it you will be able to find forgiveness for me so that we can continue our relationship.”
  4. Be willing to forgive yourself and the other person for any part they had to play in the situation that led to creating the lie in the first place.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Truly Forgive and Then Truly Forget

Dec10

Forgive and Forget

It constantly amazes me how some people can remember the smallest details of everything that happened around a particular event while others don’t remember clearly what happened yesterday let alone last week, last month or last year.

Actually these attributes clearly describe the difference between my life partner and me. My partner can recall events from his past as clearly as if they were happening right this minute while for me it’s more like out-of-sight-out-of-mind.

There is an upside and a downside though for each of these positions. For my partner the upside is his brilliant recall allows him to remember the wonderful people we’ve met and the places we’ve been to on our many journeys around the world. The downside for him is that he finds it hard to let go of past hurts often holding grudges which should have been let go of long ago as they prevent him from fully enjoying the company of friends and acquaintances.

For me though, as I forget about old wrongdoings so easily I sometimes also forget the lessons I should have learned and have to learn them again. On the good side I don’t tend to hold grudges as I move on quickly putting old hurts behind me. The appearance to others of me is that I harbor no bad thoughts of people and I truly can forgive and forget.

So all of this got me thinking about “forgiving and forgetting” and the benefits and disadvantages of doing this when someone has crossed you.

Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for a wrongdoing but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression you aren’t truly forgiving them. I qualify this by adding that ‘forgetting the transgression’ is really quite different from forgetting that it ever happened. It’s about not harboring the bad feelings associated with an event but instead becoming neutral to it.

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be completely justified but it’s important to truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.

It is imperative that you realize that the actions of the other person may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not beneficial to your relationship.

While your feelings of hurt of anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering forgiveness may help you to forget your partner’s words or actions. If you rush to offer forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing.

You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you. It is also important to speak to your partner about why they committed the offense against you. It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did.

Giving them the chance to express their side of the situation will give you a better understanding of why they acted the way they did. You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally. Allowing the other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see their motives.

Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive and forget.

This kind of forgiveness can only be achieved by understanding your own feelings as well as those of the person who wronged you. It requires you to express your feelings in a rational way, realizing that your relationship is more important than being right. It might also include accepting the other’s apology whether this is your partner’s, your friend’s or a collective of people.

Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are able to speak about your feelings in a rational manner. It’s best to wait until both you and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner than to rush in and come to regret something said or done.

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you value being right in a disagreement. While you may be completely right in a situation, being right is not worth destroying the relationship over.

If you are able to put your love for your partner ahead of the need for being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget. Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue to flourish simply because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your partner’s apology. Harboring feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the relationship because you will never forget their offending action.

Listen sincerely to your partner’s apology and have faith in them that their apology is heartfelt and genuine. Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation interfere with your future interactions.

True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively forgetting it as well. You cannot truly forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget the offence. Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the offence.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Create a Happy Marriage?

Nov19

Happy couple embracing and laughingSome of the issues that disrupt a relationship can include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person for the difficulties that will and do arise, excluding or discounting the other’s feelings when focusing on a task, having no clear and defined objectives as well as where roles and expectations of each person in the relationship are undefined or not defined clearly.

Relationships are often seen as fragile requiring huge effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also provide a safe haven for you to be and can be long-lasting despite the potential pitfalls.

Creating a happy and lasting relationship can be achieved in several ways:

Society may be seen as a web of relationships, which requires all members to work and contribute their share in order to achieve a common goal. Having a relationship that is happy, where cooperation and respect are valued, simply makes the whole society work better.

This can only be achieved when all those involved work well together and for relationships it’s no different.

Happy relationships are defined by you and your partner openly expressing your feelings and perspectives on all matters relevant to the relationship. Assuming that your partner understands your needs and gives without your asking for it is neither realistic nor desirable. What happens if they get it wrong?

The easiest way to understand what is important to your partner is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. This might mean putting aside your own wants for the time being. You will get your turn to speak as well.

The benefit here is that when the they realize they are being listened to they are more likely to feel the importance given to them which frees the way for them, in turn, to be more open to what you have to say.

Understand first and only then act on each others feelings and perspective.

Another key to a happy relationship is respect. You show respect by listening to your partner and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to each other by confirming that they are doing everything they can.

The opposite of respect is being too quick to form judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudices.

Respect is really the foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself as well as respecting the other.

And yet another key area in creating a happy relationship is to tackle the differences between you immediately.

Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.

This can be done when both of you acknowledge that the relationship is important. That each of you is willing to exert the time, effort and energy necessary to understand the each other’s perspective and needs, and work at it until it is resolved.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging are important if you are to really understand each other.

Informal discussions from time to time are also beneficial for ongoing good will with each other. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. You also feel more relaxed allowing you to think more clearly and maybe come up with some resolutions that you might not have been able to come up with when dealing emotionally with an issue in the heat of the moment.

Develop an atmosphere where each of you can express your feelings when needed.

When people fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings about an incident that has happened, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Relationships are important to everyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve your relationship and to creating the happy relationship that you want.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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The Secret of a Good Marriage

Oct1

flaws
A good marriage is the ultimate dream of every person in relationship. From the moment the decision to marry has been made right through the preparation of the wedding ceremony; the couple can’t help but to create their own fantasy about a good marriage.

Unfortunately, for some it only ever is a fantasy. The reality often falls a long way short of what they thought would be their ‘happy ever after’. They may try their best, yet still find themselves in a disastrous relationship. And then there are those who create a success of their relationship and come to live a completely happy married life.

So, what is their secret?

Obviously, they do not use some magic potion to create a good married life. The simple secret to their great marriage is “accepting the flaws”. Yes, these three simple words are all it takes to make your marriage a successful one.

Every human being on this earth is flawed. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses. There is some good and some bad in every person. If you accept this fact about you partner, and about yourself as well by the way, you will never see you marriage at the verge of divorce.

Here’s how it works.

When I can see and accept the flaws in you and I can see and accept the flaws in me and recognize that it is those flaws that make us unique and special then I don’t have to try and change it.

For those of you are collectors of stamps, coins or other paraphernalia you will understand that it is often a flaw, an imperfection, that is what really gives something its value. And so it is with human beings. If we were all the same there would be nothing to learn and how boring would that be?

And  maybe the greatest challenge of all is that in discovering those flaws and learning from them we can come to applaud them in our partner as well as in ourselves or change them as we need to improve our life.

Where Forgiveness comes into this.

The very act of accepting the other, flaws and all, as well as ourselves implies by this acceptance forgiveness. That doesn’t mean an exoneration of any wrong doing but in being able to forgive we lay the path for the future to be different from the past.

Another important thing that you should know about marriage is that fights are inevitable. When two people spend time together, it will be inevitable that they will hurt and disappoint each other, and when this happens, there will likely be a fight as each tries to justify what they did or attempts to change the others view to their own.

Humans make mistakes, and when this is realized then it is time to find out what there is to learn, learn it, find forgiveness and acceptance of the other for who they are and move on.

Sometimes I meet with couples, especially those who may have only known each other a short time, who believe that any and every disagreement they have means that their relationship is in threat. The belief is that their relationship always needs to be in perfect harmony. But guess what? If it were always in harmony where would be the incentive to learn and grow? Just like an athlete; if they don’t experience a little discomfort from time to time they would not find the limits of where there sport can take them. And it is no different in relationships.

So whatever else it means these fights do not have to mean that you made a wrong decision marrying this person and so it should not have to sound like the death knell for your relationship. Fighting with your spouse does not means that they do not love you or you do not love them.

Therefore, when you have an argument with your spouse, give them their time to think, and take some time yourself to think, then speak again until you both understand where each other is coming from and what, if anything, might need to be done about it to improve your future. This might be something specific or just simply an acceptance of a difference between you.

And always remember this; the only couple that never fights are the ones that stand on top of the cream frosting of your wedding cake. And they do not fight because they do not talk to each other.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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I am not in love – can i still be happy in a relationship?

Sep10

Couple relaxing on sofa
I think this question needs some qualifiers first about love and what is love as well as about relationship and what is a relationship.

In this context I will use love to mean any deep and meaningful caring of one person toward another.

So I can truly love my partner but I can also equally love my children, my brothers and sisters, my friends and acquaintances. This definition excludes love that is sexual or lustful as it goes far beyond that.

Relationship then I will use to presume some understanding that two or more people have with each other that is based on the special qualities of the care they give such as in a partnership, a family or with friends.

In this context I’m excluding those in the general population for whom you may care deeply about but with whom you don’t have a special connection as in a relationship.

So from this perspective for a relationship to exist it must be based on love; a relationship cannot stay alive if you do not have love for that person.

Yet, I have seen some people who say they are in a relationship and at the same time, they tell me that they do not love the person they are with. Maybe what they’re talking about is love in the context of a sexual connection or an otherwise intimate connection.

These can then become relationships of convenience or companionship or one in which the couple have lost the passion and/or the will to nurture that and consequently exist only as friends or room mates. I believe long-term these kind of relationships will become unsustainable

Is it possible to be happy in relationship without love?

And as the question asks – is it possible to be happy in these relationships? The short answer is ‘yes’ in a manner of speaking. The longer answer though is ‘maybe not’. Let me explain what I mean here.

Firstly we’ve all heard of the notion that before we can love others we must love ourselves. This is often stated but I wonder how many people really understand what it means. I rather live by the notion that ‘to love ourselves is to love another’ and inversely ‘to love another is to love ourselves’. The indicator then that we love ourselves is in our capacity to truly love another and the indicator that we love another is in our capacity to truly love ourselves. It has to work both ways and is based on our capacity to love ourselves or another unconditionally, without any expectation. Now there’s a mind blower!!

Relationships are there to make us happy; obligate yourself to them. And if you are not getting happiness from a relationship, then maybe you need to look within yourself before looking at the other. And they need to do the same if it is they who are struggling with the capacity to love.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Can I Be In A Relationship and Still Be Me?

Jul31


There is a very common question that people ask when they are about to go into a relationship and it is this:
“Can I be in a relationship and still be me?”
Well this simple question has a very simple answer: “Yes!” The most basic building block of a relationship is love and those who truly love you, love you for who you are. Let me explain “love” to you so you can get the answer to this question yourself.
Love is a feeling that we have towards someone because we like an attribute that they have. This may be something like their values, simplicity, honesty etc. This is true love, and this is real love.
Consider how it would be to begin a relationship where you pretend to be something you are not. If your future partner comes to love your “unreal self” the moment they find out about your true self they may stop loving you. Because they loved a particular attribute that you pretended to have and you actually did not have it: Quality gone, love gone.
If in a relationship, you show yourself “better” than you are, then the love will absolutely be fake, and basing the relationship on fake love would vis-à-vis make the love fake also. What is the need to save a fake relationship? Why would you pretend to save a fake relationship? Such is a relationship for which you have to pretend. However, at the end, such a relationship has no value. The people who love your real self truly love you, and as the saying goes will continue to love you “warts and all”.
Therefore, the question could instead be, “Can I have a successful relationship while I pretend to be something I am not”, and the answer to it would be no. If you think from the perspective that you might have to give up your attitude or you might have to become compliant the answer is the same; be real to get real love.
The tricky bit about this is that we all present our “best selves” when we first meet someone and consider going into a relationship. So is this fake? No – this is just presenting ourselves in a very conscious way. The problem with many relationships that go bad is not that they are fake but maybe it is because we stop being conscious of what we do in the presence of the other: We “let ourselves go” which is a disservice to ourselves as well as to the other person who would be our partner.
The lesson here then is: be yourself and while being the best you can be, by valuing yourself above all others, also be the best you can be for your partner and value equally that person and your relationship. In this way you can truly be who you are meant to be for you and for your partner. There is no pretence here, nothing fake just you being as real as you can be consciously and lovingly.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Friendship – The Foundation Stone For: ‘Till death do you part!’

Apr23
IMG_8328

 

There’s a scene at the end of the movie, ‘When Harry Met Sally’. You know the one I mean – the one that has all these old couples telling stories about how they met and fell in love and how after so many years they are still together.

These couples are so in synch with each other that they finish each others sentences. They each know the other so well, even down to what the other is going to say, so that without even talking over the top of each other you get the whole story as if it could have all come from one mouth.

This is my definition of true friendship and creates the foundation of every relationship that has lasted longer than the soft skin, the agile body and the great sex. The relationships that exist beyond sickness, beyond the bad times, and will only be severed by the death that will one day separate the couple from each other.

These relationships are ageless: they have stood the test of time. These couples have discovered something that so many of us still struggle with and that is that the love that comes from a true friendship survives all and any adversity that can be thrown at them.

How does this happen? I think there is something happening here that is maybe not present in many current relationships. This is the way these relationships began in the first place. I had a client come in some time ago, an older gentleman who lost his wife six months ago after forty years of marriage. He was grieving for her so badly he didn’t know what to do with himself. There was nothing he needed to understand or learn about this event. My role as his counselor was simply to give him a place to tell his story.

And what he told me was this: He described himself as a bit of a ‘lad’. He enjoyed the company of his mates and they spent Saturday nights out on the town drinking and partying. On occasion they would go to a dance and meet up with girls. This is how my client, let’s call him Peter, (not his real name) met the woman who would become his wife and long-time partner.

Peter was invited to a dance by his mates. There was a promise that there would be girls there and one of Peter’s mates even suggested that there was someone new to the group who Peter might fancy. This is when he first met Pip (not her real name) and instantly hit it off. The months that followed were spent going out with the group and getting to know each other more. ‘They Became Good Friends’. It was from this friendship then that their love grew. They married and made a life together.

Things are different now than they were then and I wonder when I meet people like Peter, and the loving way he speaks of Pip, and see couples like at the end of ‘When Harry Met Sally’ if there is something they knew back then that we might have lost sight of. And that might simply be that before they fell in love they first created a really great friendship.

I believe that friendship must be a precursor to a truly great relationship and become thereby the necessary foundation that will take the relationship into the future.

When I talk to couples now I ask them what they do for fun. These are the things that will create the opportunities for a friendship to flourish. Sometimes things become too serious as people get on with acquiring things in their lives instead of living their lives.

How about you – are you and your partner friends? To ascertain the answer ask yourself this question – Do I really like this person? If the answer is: ‘yes!’ then you probably have what it takes to go the long-term with him or her. If the answer is: ‘no’ then you probably need to rethink whether what you have with this person will be enough to keep you connected till ‘death do you part!’

So until next time – Relate with Love

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