Tag Archive | Conversation

How come the sex is great but we don’t know how to talk to each other?

Aug27
Rosie

Good Sex and good communication are possibly two of the most critical components in determining whether a marriage or a relationship is a happy one. And maybe, along with love, is what makes a relationship strong enough to make the distance.

If your relationship lacks any of these three components, you definitely need to do some serious thinking, or you will very likely lose it. So a relationship with only love and sex without communication is as much at risk as love and communication is without sex or sex and communication is without love.

For this article I’m going to only address love and sex without communication as it is the one that seems to come up most often.

Reasons for Not Talking

There can be many reasons that you do not talk with your partner. It may be that when both of you work, you do not really have time to talk. You also have less time for each other and therefore for your relationship.

If this is how it is for you, you will need to consider the impact that this will have on your relationship and consider whether this is really to your advantage long-term. Of course sometimes the situation you find yourselves is unavoidable because of your families needs or because you have jobs that require shift work or your jobs take you away from your families. In these situations you need then to consider very carefully whether the price of holding such positions long-term is worth it especially if the price is the loss of your relationship and maybe your family.

Now you really will need to have a conversation to figure out what you could do to ensure that your work commitments do not impose so heavily on your relationship.

Sometimes you can’t change the circumstances but maybe, with a little imagination, you can make the most of what you’ve got. At these times you really need to get creative. One simple resolution could be for you to make other time to get together. Maybe this could be a lunchtime outing, even if it’s only a short break. Maybe you can both plan to take some time off together and go to breakfast or maybe a restaurant for dinner to create for you some quality time. Some real talk time.

Radical Differences

If finding the time isn’t the issue, then the reason might be more about something to do with the existence of radical differences between you. Maybe your thinking is also quite different from each other and whenever you talk, you end up arguing about something or maybe you just don’t feel you have anything interesting to contribute to a conversation with each other.

Then there are those people, who are just very shy or introverted. They do not share much of their life with anyone including their partners. If this sounds like your partner, you need to arouse in them the desire to speak, by talking about things they like. If this sounds like you then you need to find something in your life that you can get excited enough about to want to share the experience with your partner. This means for you to be involved in whatever it might be away from your partner which then gives you something to share when you come back together again.

Above all it’s important to know that communicating effectively is a skill. It is not there at our birth. It is learned initially from our parents who demonstrate the skills of their own communication styles in the way they addressed you and other family members when you were young. From these experiences come your beliefs about yourself and your right to a voice and to the expression of that voice.

So start in small ways. Maybe turn the TV off for a while and read to each other, a book or even the newspaper to give you some topics to begin to talk about. Then you might find it easier to speak about yourselves and what is important to you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Three Simple Steps to Getting Him Back

Aug15
Man, Woman; Talking

Friends and the Media are full of ideas about how to get your boyfriend back after he has dumped you. Here is a sample of some of the things that I have heard and read:

“Getting your ex back is not difficult. You just have to be a bit subtle and think from the point of view of a man. Keep one thing in mind; you got him once so you can get him again.”

“Do not plead with him to get back with you. No man likes a girl who is so miserable for him, and do not do anything that is stupid, even if you are desperate to get back with him. Be patient, it might take a while for him to get back with you again.”

“Do not show him that you are desperate to get him back. Do not be a stalker. Try to be mature. If you meet him at work or at the mall, or some other place, just say hello, ask how he is, and move on. If he asks something more, answer it but then leave it at that. Neither should you start begging him to get back with you nor should you be rude. Stay calm when you meet him.”

“If he calls you then do not show that you are very thrilled to get his call, just give a mild “OKAY” expression, to show that it does not matter if he calls you or not. If he does not call, you can call him every couple of weeks just to ask how he is doing. Do not tell him with straight words that you want to get back with him.”

“Avoid calling him 10 times a day or going to his home or wherever he might be. If you do so, he will dislike you even more than before.  You have to be very subtle, you have to deliver him the message that you miss him, yet you cannot say it in words.”

The Better Way to Get Him Back

I’m not sure that any of this advice is sensible let alone the way to go when your boyfriend has left you. Here are my thoughts on the topic:

Firstly ask yourself this question and be very honest with the answer – “Given all that has happened do you really want him back?” If the answer is “no” then nothing more needs to be said. If the answer is “yes because it is just so painful to be the one left” – then check further if this is a good enough reason to fight for him to come back.

If the answer is “yes!” because you really want him to be a part of your life, then follow these three steps:

  1. Take some time firstly to figure out what went wrong so you can ensure that you don’t get into the same situation again.
  2. It might even be sensible to write down what you have learned about yourself, others, relationships and/or life that will make this breakup a positive experience rather than a negative experience.
  3. Then find some way to put into words, as openly and as honestly as you can what you understand as being your responsibility for what went wrong with a request for forgiveness of that.

When you’ve complete these three steps find a way then to deliver the message to him. This might be delivered via a card, an electronic communication or in person. As you request forgiveness of him make sure you also discover a way to forgive yourself.

Warning! Warning!

A word of caution here: the purpose of this exercise is not to obtain an apology from him nor to guilt him into coming back to you. Be genuine in your apology and know that it may or may not get him back. You need to accept whatever the outcome of that apology is. The purpose here is to find a path to clear away any baggage from the past so you open a way to the future which might be either with or without him.

Hopefully he will have followed a similar process and together you will make a good decision about whether it’s worth giving it another go or whether it really is time to move on.

And it goes without saying that the same formula applies if you are the man in this relationship where she has walked out on you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Become a Better Listener

Jan23

Of all the skills that help couples make their relationships a success listening would have to be up there with those that are most important and useful. The purpose of this article is to give you some tips on how to develop this skill to enhance your relationship.

Listening is an integral part of the communication process but it is also the part that is overlooked most frequently.  Many people spend a great deal of time polishing their speaking skills but put little or no effort into becoming a better listener.  The art of listening really isn’t very difficult and you can improve your listening skills in just a few simple steps.

Perhaps the most important tip for being a better listener is to give the speaker your undivided attention.  Be sure to concentrate on the speakers words and resist the temptations to tune out their message.  While speaking on the phone many people participate in other activities such as checking email, reading newspapers and other activities that distract from the conversation.  Even in a face to face situation many listeners zone out by either thinking about their response to the speaker or daydreaming about something completely off topic.

By allowing yourself to be distracted, you are not listening as well as you could be.  Even just a small amount of distraction could result in you missing a critical point of the speaker’s presentation.  Focusing 100% on the speaker, however, will ensure that you are listening well and taking in all of the pertinent information.

Part of being a good listener is making sure that everything you hear comes directly from the speaker and not from your interpretation of their words.  This means that as the speaker is talking, listen to the words as they are being spoken instead of trying to guess the point that the speaker is trying to make.  Many people are guilty of jumping to conclusions this way and this hurts their listening ability.

People who do this often don’t hear the speaker’s message because it is blocked out by their own assumptions.  Good listeners take in information as the words are spoken instead of thinking ahead and forming their own conclusions.

Creating mental images of the speaker’s words is another way to become a better listener.  This visualization process allows you to really comprehend the words you are hearing.  Visualization techniques can enhance the way that people process information.  These mental images will help you to retain the information you have just heard and this enhanced comprehension makes you a better listener.

Asking questions that relate to the speaker’s presentation can also help you to become a better listener.  It’s important to ask questions without allowing the formulation of the questions to interfere with your listening.

If you latch onto one of the speaker’s key points and spend the rest of the conversation thinking up a question you will miss a lot of information.  However, if you ask your questions immediately when they arise, you can have them answered in the context of the presentation without having it affect your listening abilities.  Asking questions is an important part of listening because it lets the speaker know that you are following what he is saying and that you are interested in learning more about the topic.

Being mindful of your body language is another way to be a good listener.  Be sure to not engage in body language that tells the speaker that you are not interested in their words.  Crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact and wincing are all ways that you can send a message to a speaker that you are not listening carefully to them.  These mannerisms can result in the conversation being cut short because the speaker does not feel you are interested in what they are saying.

Simply practicing these listening skills is the best way to become a better listener.  Make a conscientious effort to apply your listening skills each time you speak to someone or attend a presentation.

So until next time – Relate with Love