Archives

How to Truly Forgive and Then Truly Forget

Dec10

Forgive and Forget

It constantly amazes me how some people can remember the smallest details of everything that happened around a particular event while others don’t remember clearly what happened yesterday let alone last week, last month or last year.

Actually these attributes clearly describe the difference between my life partner and me. My partner can recall events from his past as clearly as if they were happening right this minute while for me it’s more like out-of-sight-out-of-mind.

There is an upside and a downside though for each of these positions. For my partner the upside is his brilliant recall allows him to remember the wonderful people we’ve met and the places we’ve been to on our many journeys around the world. The downside for him is that he finds it hard to let go of past hurts often holding grudges which should have been let go of long ago as they prevent him from fully enjoying the company of friends and acquaintances.

For me though, as I forget about old wrongdoings so easily I sometimes also forget the lessons I should have learned and have to learn them again. On the good side I don’t tend to hold grudges as I move on quickly putting old hurts behind me. The appearance to others of me is that I harbor no bad thoughts of people and I truly can forgive and forget.

So all of this got me thinking about “forgiving and forgetting” and the benefits and disadvantages of doing this when someone has crossed you.

Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for a wrongdoing but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression you aren’t truly forgiving them. I qualify this by adding that ‘forgetting the transgression’ is really quite different from forgetting that it ever happened. It’s about not harboring the bad feelings associated with an event but instead becoming neutral to it.

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be completely justified but it’s important to truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.

It is imperative that you realize that the actions of the other person may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not beneficial to your relationship.

While your feelings of hurt of anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering forgiveness may help you to forget your partner’s words or actions. If you rush to offer forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing.

You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you. It is also important to speak to your partner about why they committed the offense against you. It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did.

Giving them the chance to express their side of the situation will give you a better understanding of why they acted the way they did. You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally. Allowing the other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see their motives.

Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive and forget.

This kind of forgiveness can only be achieved by understanding your own feelings as well as those of the person who wronged you. It requires you to express your feelings in a rational way, realizing that your relationship is more important than being right. It might also include accepting the other’s apology whether this is your partner’s, your friend’s or a collective of people.

Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are able to speak about your feelings in a rational manner. It’s best to wait until both you and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner than to rush in and come to regret something said or done.

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you value being right in a disagreement. While you may be completely right in a situation, being right is not worth destroying the relationship over.

If you are able to put your love for your partner ahead of the need for being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget. Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue to flourish simply because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your partner’s apology. Harboring feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the relationship because you will never forget their offending action.

Listen sincerely to your partner’s apology and have faith in them that their apology is heartfelt and genuine. Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation interfere with your future interactions.

True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively forgetting it as well. You cannot truly forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget the offence. Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the offence.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Do You Really Know Who Your Partner Is?

Dec3

Photographers expand horizons in 2010 Army Digital Photography Contest 110311

How often have you gotten to a place in your life with someone you think you know, as well as anyone can, just to find that they continue to surprise you? The surprise might be a pleasant one such as learning about something really amazing they have done in their lives that you had no idea about.

Or the surprise might lead to a disappointment in a behaviour that you didn’t know they were capable of.

What does this mean? The truth is that you can spend a whole lifetime with a person and not really know who they are at all. As is the whole planet we live on, we are constantly changing and adapting to our environment.

You are, today, simply a product of all your life’s experiences and your responses to them. How you think, feel and behave is a consequence of all that has happened to you before this time.

And how you will be tomorrow will be a product of all that has happened in the past in addition to what you experience today and the decisions you make about yourself and others as a consequence of that experience.

I was speaking with a client today; let’s call her Susan, (not her real name) who met a serviceman a few months ago. Both of them have been busy with their lives and so have not spent a lot of time together before he was ordered back into service. He was not told of his mission before leaving and therefore was not able to let Susan know where he was going to be or when he would be back.

Five weeks have now passed without any communication and Susan is wondering where he is. Has he gone into a war-zone where he is unable to communicate with her, or worse still has he come to some foul play, or is he deliberately avoiding her.

Her confusion about this stems simply from her not really knowing him well enough to know what might be the truth. As I said to her; every couple needs exclusive time together to really get to know each other at the beginning of a relationship otherwise insecurities will naturally creep in.

Now, while I have said that you are constantly changing and this should require you to be constantly open to discovering who your partners are anew, there is also value in finding out where your partners have come from; their early life experiences as well as the experiences of their siblings and parents. All this information will help you determine what might be the core values of this possible partner particularly in reference to you as a couple.

So what might be some of the things that might be valuable for you to learn about your partner?

The questions are actually endless and could include how they acquired their name, their family history, their favorite things, how their parents resolve conflicts, how they resolve conflicts, what their relationship was like with their siblings growing up and what their hopes are for their future.

Don’t ever stop learning about your partner because the more you know about him or her the more sure you can be about why they do the things they do.

A word of warning

Be careful not to assume too much however because as the adage goes: to assume too much can make an ass out of u and me. Instead stay curious and let them also surprise you from time to time or check out that what you think they’re meaning is in actual fact real for today.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Why Women Cheat?

Nov25

Recently I was surprised to hear news of increasing number of websites promoting affairs. So it maybe a bit of a surprise to hear that men are not the only ones who cheat on their partners.  It is becoming more and more common for women to be guilty of cheating.

And while years ago a woman cheating on her spouse was unheard of more recently the number of women who enter into affairs and cheat on their spouse is growing exponentially.

However while women may be cheating as often as men, the reasons why women cheat are very different to the reasons why men cheat.

Men Cheat for Physical Reasons and Women for Emotional Reasons

Research is showing us that the principle difference between men and women cheating are that men often cheat for physical reasons while women often have emotional reasons for cheating on their partner.

The reasons why women cheat include loneliness, revenge, and boredom or as an attempt to raise their self-esteem.

A partner who becomes excessively involved with his work or some pastime may no longer make time to spend with his partner. This often results in the woman feeling as if she is all alone. So if a woman is not receiving the attention she feels she deserves in a relationship, she may be tempted to seek that attention elsewhere and become involved in an affair.

Loneliness has amazingly become one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs and cheat on their partner. Although it sounds contradictory that they should feel lonely while being in a relationship, it is because that relationship has simply become emotionally unfulfilling.

Revenge has also become a growing factor in why women cheat. The modern woman is no longer willing to sit back and accept the fact that their partner may cheat on them. If a woman confirms or even just holds a suspicion that her partner is cheating on her, she may be driven to engage in an affair of her own as an act of revenge.

An Eye for an Eye

They may be extremely hurt by their partner’s actions and seek a way to hurt them in the same way.

Boredom may also factor into why women cheat. Their current relationship may have fallen into a rut and lost the excitement that it possessed in the early stages of its existence. They may feel that their relationship has become dull and predictable so rather than trying to bring excitement into their current relationship they may pursue affairs in the hopes of rediscovering the excitement they felt when they first became involved with their partner.

While an affair may bring about a temporary solution of making the woman feel excited about love again it may ultimately destroy both their current relationship as well as their cheating relationship.

An affair is exciting not only because it involves a relationship with a new person but also because it involves sneaking around and ultimately getting away with doing something wrong.

To many women this is very exciting and they are willing to risk losing their relationship over the affair.

Another reason why women cheat is a lack of self-esteem. Women may feel that they are not getting an adequate amount of attention from their partner and they may be tempted to cheat to confirm that they are still attractive and desirable.

Being found desirable by another compensates for the lack of appreciation they feel from their partner which helps to boost their self-esteem. While women with a healthy self-esteem are more likely to remain happy in a relationship, and do what needs to be done to find it, those who lack self-esteem may be more driven to cheat on their partners.

So if you are finding yourself lonely, bored or feeling like your self-esteem is failing you think twice before embarking on an affair. Maybe there is a better way out. This might be to seek some counselling and then to find a way to confront your partner about what it is you’re experiencing.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

How to Create a Happy Marriage?

Nov19

Happy couple embracing and laughingSome of the issues that disrupt a relationship can include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person for the difficulties that will and do arise, excluding or discounting the other’s feelings when focusing on a task, having no clear and defined objectives as well as where roles and expectations of each person in the relationship are undefined or not defined clearly.

Relationships are often seen as fragile requiring huge effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also provide a safe haven for you to be and can be long-lasting despite the potential pitfalls.

Creating a happy and lasting relationship can be achieved in several ways:

Society may be seen as a web of relationships, which requires all members to work and contribute their share in order to achieve a common goal. Having a relationship that is happy, where cooperation and respect are valued, simply makes the whole society work better.

This can only be achieved when all those involved work well together and for relationships it’s no different.

Happy relationships are defined by you and your partner openly expressing your feelings and perspectives on all matters relevant to the relationship. Assuming that your partner understands your needs and gives without your asking for it is neither realistic nor desirable. What happens if they get it wrong?

The easiest way to understand what is important to your partner is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. This might mean putting aside your own wants for the time being. You will get your turn to speak as well.

The benefit here is that when the they realize they are being listened to they are more likely to feel the importance given to them which frees the way for them, in turn, to be more open to what you have to say.

Understand first and only then act on each others feelings and perspective.

Another key to a happy relationship is respect. You show respect by listening to your partner and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to each other by confirming that they are doing everything they can.

The opposite of respect is being too quick to form judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudices.

Respect is really the foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself as well as respecting the other.

And yet another key area in creating a happy relationship is to tackle the differences between you immediately.

Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.

This can be done when both of you acknowledge that the relationship is important. That each of you is willing to exert the time, effort and energy necessary to understand the each other’s perspective and needs, and work at it until it is resolved.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging are important if you are to really understand each other.

Informal discussions from time to time are also beneficial for ongoing good will with each other. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. You also feel more relaxed allowing you to think more clearly and maybe come up with some resolutions that you might not have been able to come up with when dealing emotionally with an issue in the heat of the moment.

Develop an atmosphere where each of you can express your feelings when needed.

When people fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings about an incident that has happened, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Relationships are important to everyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve your relationship and to creating the happy relationship that you want.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Rediscovering Sex after Pregnancy

Nov12

Rediscovering Sex after PregnancyA common question I’m asked after a couple has just had a child is: “When can we have sex again?” The short answer is: “When it feels right”. Sadly it is most often he who is ready before she is so when it doesn’t happen as he expects then this can lead to feelings of frustration and even alienation from the new mum and her baby.

Low or absent sexual desire is a very common experience after pregnancy; a reduction in sexual interest and activity, compared with pre-pregnancy levels, is really the norm during the first few months.

Studies have found that more than half of women resume intercourse at six weeks after delivery; By 24 weeks more than 80% of women were ready to be sexual again. The majority of the women even reported being able to come to orgasm by 12 weeks. And most studies indicate a gradual return to pre-pregnancy levels of sexual desire, enjoyment, and coital frequency within a year.

The return to making love is strongly influenced by the mother’s experience before pregnancy, her physiology, and her emotional and psychological make-up as well as by the culture she has been raised in.

The physical impact of giving birth is generally complete somewhere between four and six weeks. Research has shown that this differs little between those who have given birth vaginally as opposed to those who have had a cesarean birth. However the mother may still be weary for some time especially if the baby is not feeding well or is restless and taking time to settle down to a good sleep routine.

And then there is the emotional impact which may take longer to recover from. Here also every woman makes progress in her own time and in her own way.

Emotional disturbance very often takes the form of post natal depression, sometimes affectionately called, “post natal blues”. This can be as mild as feeling restless or as serious as contemplating harming the child or the mother herself.

Good old-fashioned Mother Nature is probably the greatest villain here.

While ensuring that the mother’s milk supply stays high, breastfeeding can negatively affect sexual desire whilst also guarding against a future pregnancy too soon. The reason is that estrogen levels decline during breastfeeding, which, sadly, also means that sexual interest also declines.

Vaginal lubrication also decreases which can lead to pain with intercourse which is also a way of ensuring that you don’t get into mischief while your new baby still needs so much of your attention.

The baby also makes sure that the mother’s attention is totally on her or him to ensure that this child has the best chance of surviving without having to compete with anyone else. This includes the father who, so far as this child is concerned, has fulfilled his part of the bargain.

So what does all this mean for the couple?

Firstly it means that as well as dealing with a new baby and all that entails it also means that you now have to patiently focus your energies on this child until you are not required 24/7 anymore.

In the meanwhile you can start to take any moment this child allows you to do some nice things for each other that are not necessarily going to lead to intercourse. Bathe together, massage each other, have a sleep in, if your baby will let you, and rest when your baby is asleep rather than trying to use this time to catch up on chores. Also take time out, as it is offered by friends and family, to go out and share a meal together or go to the movies.

Other forms of sexual expression, such as touching, kissing, and mutual pleasuring techniques, besides just being nice to do, can also help to re-establish physical closeness with your partner. So take your time getting to know each other again.

Whatever else you do go slowly!!

Then when the time is right begin to reintroduce more sexually based activities into your schedule. The use of water-based vaginal lubricants can help reduce discomfort during intercourse. Vaginal moisturizers also can relieve vaginal dryness and pain.

And don’t be in too much of a hurry to get to intercourse. Masturbate each other or with each other until you are both sufficiently aroused to take it to the next step.

And don’t forget to use some form of contraception. Breastfeeding is not a guarantee against falling pregnant. And I should know as that is how I conceived my fourth child seven months after delivering my third and whilst still breast feeding and feeling absolutely exhausted chasing after two other pre-schoolers.

Finally, take heart. Enjoyment of sexual intercourse will return, even if it is gradual, after childbirth. Give it time and enjoy the little bundle of joy you have created from your love for each other.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

How to Catch a Cheating Partner

Nov5

How to Catch a Cheating Partner

Couples often come to a stage in their relationship where things no longer go so smoothly and they start asking questions about their future. This is a normal stage of development for all relationships. And rather than shying away from it you would do better to take a close look at where you are in your relationship and to notice if there is something you need to be paying attention to.

This would ensure your relationship continues into the future in a healthy way rather than taking it down a path of self destruct.

Remember this: where you put your thoughts is most likely how your relationship will respond.

Sometimes the difficulty you find your selves in leads you to question whether your partner is having an affair. The truth is sometimes they are but rather than seeing an affair as a symptom of a relationship in trouble it is seen as the cause of the trouble.

Let me also clarify here the meaning of the term ‘cheating’.

Most often we immediately think of cheating as one or both parties having an affair outside of the marriage. My definition of cheating is really when anything outside of the relationship, eg work or personal pursuits, takes precedence over the relationship to the detriment of the relationship.

Often by the time the couple enters counselling the damage has already become irreparable due to the accusations and recriminations that have been shot at each other. Often one party will admit their guilt either to relieve themselves of it, or simply to escape the torment. The sad thing here is that generally a confession rarely gets a resolution and most often just creates more anguish.

If you have your suspicions about your partner, you probably already realize that the relationship is in trouble but you also need to be ready for a revelation that might actually put an end to the relationship.

If you suspect that your partner is cheating don’t match their deceitfulness with your own by checking out their credit card expenses and/or their phone accounts. You might find answers but the way you have done so makes you no better than them.

The only way forward here is to ask the question outright and trust that you will know from their answer what the truth is. And while you may be able to investigate on your own to find your answer you should make sure that before you begin your investigation, and certainly before you ask the question outright, you prepare yourself for the answers you may receive.

So if such a couple presents to me in counselling the starting point of therapy is not about discovering the truth of an affair but the truth about their love and commitment of each other.

It may be that an affair, if it exists, will need to be discussed but not until both parties are ready to deal with what it means and how they want to deal with it. This really may be no different to managing a client who has experienced abuse in their past.

Sometimes it is necessary to know how to manage it and what you will do with the information before you even attempt to expose the client to the details of the abuse. If you simply present the client with the abuse up front it may actually only traumatise them further rather than giving them a solution.

Of course I’m not saying here that you should overlook the possibility of an affair but it needs to be looked at in perspective. That is, it needs to be viewed against the backdrop of your whole relationship and against whatever else is going on in the relationship.

What this all boils down to is this: get really clear about whether you actually have a relationship because only then can you figure out what you need to do about any cheating that might be happening.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

The Secret to Winning Her Back

Oct29

The GentlemanHere’s the story of Tom and Pamela. They met; fell in love, and everything seemed so right. To him that is.

For her it was far from right. Then one day, out of the blue, she tells you she’s “had enough” and is gone, or worse still, she asks you to pack your bags and move out. Sometimes she doesn’t even ask you to pack your bags but she does it for you or just throws your stuff out on the street.

That would be the most humiliating experience anyone has ever had to face and happens more times than we might think.

What do you do now?

After you’ve picked yourself up and settled the anger that’s raging inside of you, you need to ask yourself a few questions.

  • Do you really want to be with your girlfriend again?
  • Do you still love her very much?
  • Is it more important than anything to be with her again?

If yes, then you will have to be careful and restrained. If you really want her back, you need to follow some tips. The first thing you need to do to get her back is to:

Think from her perspective. i.e.: Think like a girl.

You see the problem here is simply that you’ve been thinking like a guy. Guys always seem to miss the subtle clues that girls give off constantly that lets you know if you’re doing the right thing or not. And the most frustrating thing about this is that girls expect you to know this without having to tell you. It will be subtle and you are being tested so always pay attention to what is not being said as well as what is being said.

Really; only when you stop thinking like a man and start thinking like a woman can you possibly understand what’s really going on. And once you’ve got this figured out you will be able to act the way she likes.

The most important thing you should know is DON’T BE CHILDISH. Do not beg, do not follow her everywhere like a puppy and most importantly do not become a stalker. If you will do so she will get even more irritated and will dislike you all the more. That will probably leave you even more desperate.

So don’t show up at her work or wherever she is, thinking she might get back with you if you do. If you do anything like this then you will never be able to get her back.

You need to control your emotions. Girls don’t like men who beg or plead. Women choose men with a healthy ego. Girls like men with an attitude.

PS ‘an attitude’ though is not about thinking you’re better than everyone else. An attitude is about thinking and knowing you are OK no matter what.

And do not call her ten times in a day. Let her know that you still want to be friends with her, by calling her once after one or two weeks have gone by in which she’s had some time to decide what she really wants.

Maturity is the quality that girls like the most. Show her that you are still interested and mature enough to be willing to look at your faults and to hear her out before deciding if there is something you could or should do differently.

It might be that there are some things you’d like her to do differently as well but now is not the time to be highlighting those. Just use this time to really listen to her. Find out what the issues are and decide what there is to learn from this experience so you can then demonstrate a change in how you are with her.

And if that is good enough you’ve got a real chance of winning her back. If not she’ll let you know that too.

Follow these tips and you might not even have to ask her to get back with you. She might just ask you to come back herself.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Why Does He Lie To Me?

Oct22

LiarThere’s a joke told about politicians that goes like this: “How do you know when a politician is lying?” The answer: “When his lips are moving!”

The truth is we all tell lies!

The more modest ones are called “white lies”; they are generally harmless and don’t upset people too greatly if discovered. Such lies tend to be said to save someone’s feelings, like when we compliment someone about how they look, or to save our own, such as when we make up reasons for my not being able to do something when we really don’t want to do it anyway.

Lies can be by what is said as well as by what is not said. 

Men and women tell different kinds of lies. Men most often tell lies to protect themselves. They may lie to you about the way you look; they may say that you look good no matter what you wear. They just do not want to break your heart; they want you to be happy. Such lies are very sweet; in fact, if your man tells you such lies, then you should be very happy. He truly loves you.

Men may also lie about the things they can do. Men always have an ego factor, all human beings have, but it is found in men to a much greater extent. They can never let someone bruise their ego. Therefore they lie about the things they are capable of doing. They may say that they can do something or have done something where in reality they may not be able to do it at all. This sometimes presents itself in their boasting about women they have been with.

Sometimes men just lie about household chores such as the bills, grocery or fixing something. They may tell you that they have done something, when they might not have done it.

Men sometimes lie when they are cheating. Their intention is not necessarily always to deceive. Sometimes they have good intentions. He may be lying about cheating because he feels guilty that he cheated on you. He may even lie to you because he is afraid of losing you. He might have huge regrets about cheating on you.

So while men often lie to protect themselves from someone else’s outrage, women are more likely to lie in order to protect someone else. This might be to protect their children from being in trouble for some misdemeanor against the other parent or to help a girlfriend who needs someone to cover for her or to support her in front of her partner or other girlfriends.

Women are also more likely to lie about others, particularly other women and do so as a way of making the other seem less attractive.

These lies may be bad enough but then there are the lies that are more serious and which really hurt relationships such as when we lie because we are concerned that the other person might respond in a particularly angry way, maybe  rightfully so, or because we have really done something wrong and for which we are feeling guilty.

In amongst these are the lies that are told with the complete intention of hurt or betrayal. They might be cheating on you and they are not telling you because they want to have their wife and mistress, or for women they want their husband and boyfriend, both at the same time.

Some people lie to you for financial reasons, because if you found out about their cheating or gambling, you may feel you need to leave the relationship.

And of course there are those who lie to themselves in order to justify what they do.

Just keep one thing in mind, when you suspect that someone is lying to you try not to see the lies, try to see the intention. If the intention is good and they did not want to hurt you, then you should find a way to forgive. But if they intended to cheat you, then something much more sinister is at play and this needs to be exposed and dealt with before it gets out of hand particularly as it might be a threat to your whole relationship with them.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

When the Fighting Becomes Unbearable

Oct15

Fight

I received this very sad letter not so long ago so am making it the focus of this blog article.

“Why is it that I and my girlfriend quarrel/argue every week for she says she doesn’t trust me and tells me every time that she doesn’t want to marry me?

I love her so much and want her be my wife. I have thought of things that she thinks that creates the argument, but when i start to work on those things it works a little while but fails and never lasts.

I am standing on two conflicting ideas. Marry her or start over another relationship.

What she says when she gets angry out of nothing gets me crazy. Even now, we are not giving phone calls to each other.

What should I do to keep and maintain happy and healthy relationship with her? I want to give love to her and expect the same response from her. How can I make that happen? When I stop things over, she starts and when I come to understating she pushes me away.

It has been like this for more than two years since I met her. One week okay and another week HELL.

Please help me save my relationship.”

Let me start to answer this multifaceted question by firstly saying that all relationships will have times of conflict especially as part of negotiating a long-term relationship. This is part of helping you figure out the ‘rules’ that are going to define how your relationship is to be managed. This involves who will make the decisions and who will be responsible for what aspect of your relationship.

This is a normal part of the transition into the next stage of relationship development as you move away from the symbiosis, the honeymoon stage that defines the first part of all relationships.

So the way through this is firstly to learn some communication skills so that you can each hear clearly what the other is saying before responding. Sometimes it is necessary to bring a professional counsellor/coach into the picture who can teach you how to do this and help you manage the process when things become especially difficult.

The next part of the process is to define what it means to be in relationship and what that relationship should look like to support both of your values of what a loving relationship actually is. Then take the time to ask each other lots of questions to assess whether these values are shared making you compatible as this value compatibility is what will determine whether your relationship has what it needs to make it long-term.

Just as importantly, for relationships to succeed it requires a selflessness that has at its core a willingness to do for another without any thought of what’s in it for me. If we only do for another for what we can get back then we’re not in it for love. And of course if you are both acting from that place then you’ll get what you want anyway but now for the right reasons.

For more information on the stages of relationship go and have a look at my product shop. There you will find several books including one titled “Relationships – A Couples Journey” that addresses the stages relationships go through as part of their natural development. Another book that maybe is helpful is titled “Love, Lies & The Games Couples Play” which takes a look at conflict in relationships and how to manage it. You’ll find the book at Amazon. You can get the free abridged ebook by subscribing to the newsletter.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

When All She/He Does Is Complaining

Oct8

ComplainingIt seems like some people just like to complain. No matter what you do, you cannot make them happy. From trivial mistakes to great blunders, they do not let go of a single opportunity to tell you that you’ve done something wrong.

These types of behaviour are really just displays of low self-esteem. These may even be the victims of the world trying just trying to help themselves feel better.

It is very difficult to have and maintain a relationship with such people, because they find it difficult to utter a compliment and maybe even struggle to tell you that they love you. It often just seems like they don’t appreciate you no matter what you do. I’ve even heard people describe them as misers when it comes to giving compliments, and even sometimes in receiving compliments.

These people are also game playing as this is what they are actually doing – playing a psychological game that has only one objective and that is to confirm for them what it us they have already decided about themselves and/or about others.

So if they want to believe that nobody can do anything as well as them or that they are the only ones who know how to do anything at all, or that they themselves are pretty useless but in order to try to feel a little better about themselves they have to bring you down, so that you are then too busy thinking about what you might have done wrong so you don’t discover it’s actually more about them, it’s this that sets the game in motion.

Confusing?

When you try to look at it logically it is. But when you are responding to something you decided on when you were three or four years of age then it makes perfect sense to the unconscious part of your mind that has been harbouring that belief and playing it out again and again making the belief stronger and stronger with each experience which again simply reconfirms those tired old beliefs.

The Answer to the Game – Get off the Merry-Go-Round

So how do you deal with these kinds of people and with this kind of twisted logic? It’s simple really. You take a position of care for the other and assertiveness for yourself. You must also be in tune with your own vulnerability which might mean that sometimes you need to respond and that sometimes it’s better not to.

This doesn’t mean that you have to roll over and accept what is being said but you must respond thoughtfully or else you can start to feel like you’re on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop.

It is important though to keep in mind that sometimes the complainer will ‘up the ante’, so to speak, and serve you more of the criticism  to get the desired outcome, the ‘payoff’ as we would call it in game theory.

The bad news is that if you give in and accept the complaint or criticism as true there is only one of three outcomes possible. These define the outcomes of extreme games and end up in the courtroom, the hospital or maybe even in the morgue.

It might begin somewhat innocently and then escalate until it seems that there is no going back. For example, if you think you can just tell the complainer they are wrong in some matter, or they need to change their attitude the reply you get might be: “I DO NOT NEED YOU, IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME YOU CAN LEAVE”.

From here it’s likely to become a fast ride to no-where!

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg