Archives

How to Become a Better Listener

Jan23

Of all the skills that help couples make their relationships a success listening would have to be up there with those that are most important and useful. The purpose of this article is to give you some tips on how to develop this skill to enhance your relationship.

Listening is an integral part of the communication process but it is also the part that is overlooked most frequently.  Many people spend a great deal of time polishing their speaking skills but put little or no effort into becoming a better listener.  The art of listening really isn’t very difficult and you can improve your listening skills in just a few simple steps.

Perhaps the most important tip for being a better listener is to give the speaker your undivided attention.  Be sure to concentrate on the speakers words and resist the temptations to tune out their message.  While speaking on the phone many people participate in other activities such as checking email, reading newspapers and other activities that distract from the conversation.  Even in a face to face situation many listeners zone out by either thinking about their response to the speaker or daydreaming about something completely off topic.

By allowing yourself to be distracted, you are not listening as well as you could be.  Even just a small amount of distraction could result in you missing a critical point of the speaker’s presentation.  Focusing 100% on the speaker, however, will ensure that you are listening well and taking in all of the pertinent information.

Part of being a good listener is making sure that everything you hear comes directly from the speaker and not from your interpretation of their words.  This means that as the speaker is talking, listen to the words as they are being spoken instead of trying to guess the point that the speaker is trying to make.  Many people are guilty of jumping to conclusions this way and this hurts their listening ability.

People who do this often don’t hear the speaker’s message because it is blocked out by their own assumptions.  Good listeners take in information as the words are spoken instead of thinking ahead and forming their own conclusions.

Creating mental images of the speaker’s words is another way to become a better listener.  This visualization process allows you to really comprehend the words you are hearing.  Visualization techniques can enhance the way that people process information.  These mental images will help you to retain the information you have just heard and this enhanced comprehension makes you a better listener.

Asking questions that relate to the speaker’s presentation can also help you to become a better listener.  It’s important to ask questions without allowing the formulation of the questions to interfere with your listening.

If you latch onto one of the speaker’s key points and spend the rest of the conversation thinking up a question you will miss a lot of information.  However, if you ask your questions immediately when they arise, you can have them answered in the context of the presentation without having it affect your listening abilities.  Asking questions is an important part of listening because it lets the speaker know that you are following what he is saying and that you are interested in learning more about the topic.

Being mindful of your body language is another way to be a good listener.  Be sure to not engage in body language that tells the speaker that you are not interested in their words.  Crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact and wincing are all ways that you can send a message to a speaker that you are not listening carefully to them.  These mannerisms can result in the conversation being cut short because the speaker does not feel you are interested in what they are saying.

Simply practicing these listening skills is the best way to become a better listener.  Make a conscientious effort to apply your listening skills each time you speak to someone or attend a presentation.

So until next time – Relate with Love

10 Ways To Reawaken The Passion In Your Relationship

Jan16

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion you may need to make a conscious effort to re-ignite the spark in your relationship and reawaken the passion.  Sometimes it may take elaborate plans and gestures to reawaken the passion in your relationship and sometimes it may just be small seemingly insignificant things that can help you.

  1. Planning a romantic weekend getaway can be one way to reawaken the passion.  A trip to a spa or a romantic destination can help to put the fire back into your relationship.  This type of trip gives a couple the opportunity to step away from your everyday life and spend some time focusing on romance.
  2. Treating your partner with respect can also be a simple way to reawaken passion.  Sometimes people get into the habit of taking your partner for granted while you continue to treat complete strangers and casual acquaintances with respect.  People tend to work harder on casual relationship than they do on their romantic relationship because they take their partner for granted.  Making an effort to impress your partner, however, can help to revive the passion.
  3. Doing something new and adventurous can also help to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  Try an activity that you have never done before such as skydiving or water skiing.  Participating in an adventurous sport can make you feel more alive and this will transcend into your relationship and may also be a great way to reawaken the passion.
  4. Holding hands is another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  This simple act draws you and your partner closer together.  Most couples hold hands all the time early in their relationship but as time goes by they begin to do so less and less often.  Grabbing your partners hand and holding on while you run errands can make your partner feel desired again and this will help put the passion back in your relationship.
  5. Another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship is to plan date nights.  Spend some time getting dressed up and plan a night out on the town.  Putting this level of effort into a dinner date makes it feel much more special and romantic plus it gives you a chance to let your partner know that you are still interested in spending time with them. No matter how busy your week is, plan to have at least one night a week where the two of you connect in a special way.  Even if it’s just some quiet time at home after the kids go to bed or even a family game night with the kids, it will give you time to bond.
  6. Taking care in your own appearance is still another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  If you feel good about yourself, you will be more appealing to your partner.  Spend a few extra minutes getting ready to go out and really pamper yourself.  This will give you a confidence boost that can help bring the passion back to your relationship.
  7. Complimenting your partner can also help to reawaken passion.  Noticing when your partner puts extra effort into their appearance lets them know that you still find them desirable and attractive.  Even complimenting them when they aren’t all dressed up, lets them know that you love them for who they are and not just their appearance.
  8. Even just planning trips that you would like to take in the future can reawaken passion.  Spend an afternoon thinking of trips you would like to take together and make a list of all the places you want to go and all the things you want to do.  This type of daydreaming draws a couple closer together and can revive passion. And who knows; just by writing out your wish list of places to go and things to do just might get you one step closer to making it real.
  9. Spending some quiet time together daily can be another way to reawaken passion.  Plan on having at least a few minutes alone with your partner each day to help put the spark back into your relationship.
  10. Taking a bath together can also help to reawaken passion in a relationship.  This is a very sensual activity that makes you both feel pampered and gives you the opportunity to reconnect on a physical level.  Beyond that it can also give you a chance to relax and unwind after a hard day of work as sometimes it’s the stresses of everyday life that are putting a damper on passion.

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion it doesn’t mean the relationship is over.  All of these examples are simple ways that a couple can reawaken the passion in their relationship.  As long as the love still exists, it is possible to bring back the passion.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Do You Really Know Who Your Partner Is?

Jan9

How often have you gotten to a place in your life with someone you think you know, as well as anyone can, just to find that they continue to surprise you? The surprise might be a pleasant one such as learning about something really amazing they have done in their lives that you had no idea about. Or the surprise might lead to a disappointment in a behavior that you didn’t know they were capable of.

What does this mean? The truth is that you can spend a whole lifetime with a person and not really know who they are. As is the whole planet we live on, we are constantly changing and adapting to our environment.

You are, today, simply a product of all your life’s experiences and your responses to them. How you think, feel and behave is a consequence of all that has happened to you before this time. And how you will be tomorrow will be a product of all that has happened in the past in addition to what you experience today and the decisions you make about you and others as a consequence of that experience.

I spoke with a client today, let’s call her Susan, (not her real name) who met a serviceman a few months ago. Both of them have been busy with their lives and so have not spent a lot of time together before he was ordered back into service. He was not told of his mission before leaving and therefore was not able to let Susan know where he was going to be or when he would be back.

Five weeks have now passed without any communication and Susan is wondering where he is. Has he gone into a war-zone where he is unable to communicate with her, or worse still has he come to some foul play, or is he deliberately avoiding her.

Her confusion about this stems simply from her not really knowing him well enough to know what might be the truth. As I said to her; every couple needs exclusive time to get to know each other at the beginning of a relationship otherwise insecurities will naturally creep in.

In my book, “Relationships – A Couples Journey”, which you will find in my bookshop situated at www.myonlineproductshop.com  I speak further about the stages of relationships and what defines each of these stages in the normal progression of a relationship.

Now, while I have said that we are constantly changing and this should require us to be constantly open to rediscovering who our partners are, there is also value in finding out where our partners have come from; their early life experiences as well as the experiences of their siblings and parents for all these will help you determine what might be the core values of this person particularly in reference to you as a couple.

So what might be some of the things that might be valuable for you to learn about your partner? The questions are actually endless and could be about how they acquired their name, their family history, their favorite things, how their parents resolve conflicts, how they resolve conflicts, what their relationship was like with their siblings growing up and what their hopes are for their future.

Don’t ever stop being curious about who your partner is today and learning about who he or she might become tomorrow. That is what makes relationships really fascinating.

 So until next time – Relate with Love

Communication Breakdown

Jan3

One of the most fundamental elements in any relationship is communication and when communication breaks down its vital that you find out the cause of the breakdown so that you can fix the problem before it permanently damages the relationship.

Communication can break down in a relationship for a variety of reasons. But whether it is the birth of a baby, financial strains or distrust of the other in the relationship it invariably comes down to either lack of time or lack of skills that is the real source of communication failing.

When a new baby arrives tiredness and time constraints while parents are busy with baby naturally put a strain on a relationship. Often it is the case where one of the couple stays home to care for the baby while the other continues to go to work. So not just are there sleepless nights to contend with but changing roles and social and financial pressures as well.

Struggling with financial issues can be extremely stressful for either one or both partners in a relationship.  If one partner typically handles the finances in a relationship they may not wish to worry their partner so they may struggle internally with the financial concerns.

While this is a noble gesture, it can also cause a communication breakdown in the relationship.  The one partner may feel that this is a burden they need to bear on their own and therefore avoid talking about the subject with their partner.  The problem with this is that in trying to avoid conversations regarding finances they may end up avoiding conversations all together.

For example, a conversation about where to go out to dinner may be avoided because thinking about spending too much money on leisure activities causes too much anxiety on one of the partners.  The partner who is unaware of the financial concerns may be offended by their partner’s avoidance of a simple conversation.

Regardless of the cause of the communication breakdown, it is vital to the health of the relationship to reopen the lines of communication. 

One way to avoid or reverse having a communication breakdown over changing roles or finances is to share the responsibility and openly discuss concerns over parenting or financial matters.  Doing this will ensure that neither partner becomes consumed by that responsibility thus preventing it from affecting the relationship.

Changing roles  and financial concerns can induce enough stress to destroy even the most secure relationships but planning ahead and speaking openly can help a couple avoid a communication breakdown.

Distrust is another factor that can affect communication in a relationship.  If one of the partners has a reason to be suspicious of the other it creates a distrust that directly affects communication.

Also, if one person has a reason to feel guilty in a relationship, it may result in a breakdown in communication.  This lack of trust or guilt may result in the couple not wanting to communicate either because they don’t want to have their suspicions confirmed or because they don’t want their secret to be revealed.

These feelings of suspicion or guilt may lead to strained conversations that are purposefully not very meaningful.

One way to avoid a breakdown in communication in this situation is to always be upfront with your partner.  Whether it’s suspicion or guilt that is driving your fear of communication, being honest with your partner will alleviate your fears and reopen the lines of communication.  You run the risk of having your suspicions confirmed but it’s better to be sure than to destroy your relationship while doubt remains.

Since open and honest communication is critical to a healthy relationship, it’s important to understand why communication breaks down and to work towards repairing that.

Simply put: Maintaining or restoring an open and honest communication link can ensure that a relationship not only endures but thrives.

So until next time – Relate with Love

We’re Having A Baby!!

Dec12

The wedding and the honeymoon have now become long distant memories as you, a newly formed couple, settle in to the reality of married life. And while adjusting to being part of a couple brings its own challenges nothing can adequately prepare you for what lies ahead as you contemplate expanding your newly created family further through the introduction of a child.

While the birth of your first child may be a glorious and blessed event that you both look forward to, the arrival of a new baby will inevitably put strains on your relationship.

The addition of a new element into the relationship that previously comprised just the two of you can be stressful.  As you learn to balance your time and ensure that both your partner and your child are receiving enough of your attention, there may be a period where the stress of making this adjustment causes a breakdown in communication.

While they don’t begrudge the attention that you lavish on the new baby it does take an adjustment period to deal with the fact that they no longer are the centre of your universe, or you there’s, with your undivided attention.

Also, typically the birth of a baby leads to a complete change of routine as well as sleep deprivation for you both.

While you may have previously been used to doing things as you please, you now realize that most activities must be planned around the baby’s schedule which is often unpredictable.  This new schedule, coupled with the lack of sleep that typically plagues new parents, can put a great deal of pressure on your relationship.

To avoid a total communication breakdown it is important for you both to realize that you need to allocate time to spend with the baby and also with each other.  You also need to realize that the sleep deprivation is affecting you both and take turns getting up with the baby.  This is even important for those of you where one of you is working at a paid job during the day.

Most importantly accept that everything you used to do may now not be possible. Your home may not be as tidy as it used to be. The dishes may not always get done immediately.

The lesson to learn here is this: Don’t be too tough on yourself. Make plenty of time for rest and recuperation and don’t forget that it’s still important to make some time for fun. This might be for each of you separately from each other as well as together.

And, above all, keep talking to each other. The only sure way for your partner to know what’s going on for you is that you communicate it to them. Remember that when you are both in stress overload you are not so able to be thinking so clearly of the needs of each other. So check in with each other as a matter of course, preferably daily or at least weekly to ensure you are aware of where each of you is at.

Make the time to really hear each other out for there will be good things to share and there may also be some difficult things to share.

These few simple steps can go a long way in reversing or preventing a communication breakdown and even be your guiding light to making your relationship even more than it was otherwise going to be.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Why Marriages Fail

Dec8

Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those don’t even make it past the first year.  Understanding why this happens can be the  key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail.

Some factors that contribute to the failure of a marriage include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues, children and even the circumstances in which the marriage initially took place.  All of these can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the marriage.

Most importantly, when a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage may be doomed before it starts.

Communication is critical to the success of a marriage.  Without appropriate communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue.  If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems can become insurmountable.

Good Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other.  Good Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments.  If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each other’s points of view.

If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or even salvage their marriage.

Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isn’t enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns.  While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage.  Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship.  This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage.  This neglectful behaviour can have the effect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely.

Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure.  A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage.  When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fail.

Some examples of marriage circumstances that may lead to failure may include getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressured to get married by friends and family members.  Neither of these reasons is a truly valid.

Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail.  While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married.  Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of life’s experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.

Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage.  Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married.  With this lessening value placed on marriage in today’s society, couples may not be as strongly committed to making their marriage work and may be quicker to give up on the marriage and each other.

If any of these issues are present in your relationship maybe it would be helpful for you to take a closer look at your relationship and, if needed, seek some assistance to ensure that you don’t become one of the statistics.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Blog

Oct26

Welcome to my blog. Each week I will be adding a new article on some aspect of relationships for you to read. To ensure that you don’t miss any of this valuable material make sure you register your details in the space to your right and then you’ll be reminded by email when a new article has been added.

I hope you will add your comments too so we can get some interesting conversations happening here. And if you have a particular question that you’d like to have an answer to then add that in the comment box and I promise I will answer it as soon as I can either through the comment or via another article.

So until next time – Relate with Love