Tag Archive | relationship

How to Find Unconditional Love in Your Relationships?

Nov18

Unconditional LoveI’ve already addressed in another article what is unconditional love but let’s review. Put simply, and as the words would imply, unconditional love is love that is given without the expectation of anything in return.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is the love that is given in response to love received and generally has attached to it something like… “I will love you as long as ….”. The conclusion to this phrase might be about something I get from you or something you do for me, so might end with “… you take care of me.” or “ … you give me what I want.”

In that article the question I was addressing was whether unconditional love actually exists. My conclusion was – ‘absolutely’ and not just in the form of a mother’s love for a child but of one person towards another whether that person is a partner, a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or just someone you pass on the street that you don’t know or might never pass by again.

So in this article I want to take this notion one step further to discuss how to find unconditional love in your relationships as they can be in all the above circumstances.

And here it is – the answer pure and simple lies in your capacity to forgive. That might be a small word but upon its shoulders lays the salvation of the world.

And here’s the most critical factor in this notion – it’s not the world that we need to focus on here but on what we do in our most private moments with those most close to us.

When I was little I was taught to admit to and then say ‘sorry’ when I committed an offence. I was told that this was the way to my salvation. I have never, and still don’t, doubt the truth of this. And while this was and still can be a hard task to complete, I have come to realize that forgiving myself and/or another may even be a harder ask. And, as I have already stated, may actually be even more important for our world’s survival.

So here is my strategy to offering forgiveness and finding unconditional love in our relationships, even if the other hasn’t asked for it, or I don’t believe that they, or I, deserve it.

The 7 Steps to Forgiveness

  1. Identify your emotions and at least express them to yourself
  2. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict
  3. Accept the other person, and yourself, as they and you are and let go of any need or want for revenge
  4. Forgive yourself as you take your learning from the situation to ensure you don’t repeat it
  5. Have the desire to express forgiveness either out loud if appropriate or at least in your mind
  6. Meet with the person involved if possible or imagine them being with you
  7. Make a connection with a past event that might have been similar and ensure that there is nothing residual there that needs forgiveness as well.

Try the exercise and if you need help with it there are more details of the exercise at my website under the heading of ‘quizzes and questionnaires’. And if you are really stuck speak with someone professionally.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Does Unconditional Love Exist?

Nov11

Unconditional Love

There’s a saying I’ve heard, and possibly even said myself, which suggests that the only love that is unconditional is the love of a mother for her newborn baby. The adage goes on to say that maybe this only lasts twenty-four hours or until your first sleepless night.

To answer this question let’s firstly look at what is ‘unconditional love’. Put simply, and as the words would imply, unconditional love is love that is given without the expectation of anything in return.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is the love that is given in response to love received and generally has attached to it something like… “I will love you as long as ….” The conclusion to this phrase might be about something I get from you or something you do for me so might end with “… you take care of me” or “… you give me what I want.”

It would be someone exceptional to truly love when nothing comes back.

Using this definition then it would be someone exceptional to truly love when nothing comes back.

Have you ever seen unconditional love? For most of you, unconditional love is probably just a fairy tale myth which doesn’t exist.  For many, love alone has become like a ghost – “everybody talks of it and only a few have seen it”. When you tell someone you love them, most of the time they will be waiting for the “what’s next”, saying there is no such thing as love so there has to be an ulterior motive for someone saying it.

However in this mean and self-centered world, you can still find those people who love, and there are many I’ve seen who truly do love unconditionally. I believe I see it everyday in parents and their children, community carers and their charges, those who offer a variety of professional help and their clients/patients and between family members of each other.

I think the ultimate qualifier here is in the willingness of one person to put themselves at risk of discomfort for the wellbeing of another.

So to answer the question in debate, I believe that love can be divided into two groups depending on its foundation. Love, that has gratitude at its roots, and love that does not spring from gratitude.

First, I will explain love that has gratitude at its roots. We might develop love towards someone because they are kind to us, may be they did us a favor, or they provided us with something, when we were in need. There can be a million reasons for loving people. Such is the love that comes from gratitude; maybe this really cannot be called love at all. Maybe it is just a deep sense of appreciation of one for another. And because there’s often a power difference here, that is someone has something, an object or a skill that the other doesn’t, such feelings and the sense of love can never really be unconditional. This is love, which has a reason.

Now, how does love spring without gratitude? Sometimes we like someone’s innocence so much that we begin to love their innocence, sometimes we fall in love with someone because of their simplicity or as I have already alluded to it is simply that of one person for another without any expectation of reciprocation.

Therefore, yes unconditional love does exist, but maybe is far too rare. The most notable thing about unconditional love is that it has no explanations, no reasons, no apologies and no gratitude. You just love, love and love, because you love. There is no reason for your love. Hence it is called unconditional love.

In another article I’ll speak about how you can find unconditional love in your relationships.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Is Marriage Going Out Of Style?

Nov4

rings

You may already know that I have four children, all adults, who are starting to look at entering into long term relationships now that their childhood has passed them by.

Accordingly two of my sons have now ‘tied the knot’ having done so in the last couple of weeks and it left me with the question: Is getting married still the ultimate goal for this generation or is it, as I was believing, going out of style?

My thinking was that this generation, probably more than any other in history has been witness to their mother and father’s liberation as a consequence of the changes in family law that has happened, in Australia at least, during the 1970’s. The new laws allowed for ‘no fault’ divorce and as a consequence there was a rapid rise in divorces for the rest of that decade.

Up until that time for a couple to divorce it needed to be for a reason. This often led to couples creating reasons or one or other of the couple ‘taking the heat’, so to speak, in order for there to be good grounds for divorce. In this regard they would accept an allegation of adultery in order to get the application accepted by the court.

This certainly was not fair or honest and left many couples, and families, in distress as a consequence.

‘Happy Ever After’

So my belief was that possibly this situation tainted our children’s view of marriage and the notion of ‘happy ever after’.

But maybe not so! As I chatted with the guests at my children’s weddings, I was curious about this and so asked several young people the question. The responses, I must say, surprised and delighted me as I was challenged to put aside my own preconceptions and cynicisms about whether young adults today thought differently about marriage than my generation might.

Following my conversations with many of these young people I was astonished to hear that not only did they believe in ‘happy ever after’ but wanted to seal it in their marriage vows.

Not only that but I also discovered a refreshing interest in this generation of wanting to learn the skills necessary to make their relationships work with a strong commitment to that as an outcome.

I was so happy to hear that, especially in terms of where my work is now taking me, being into the area of pre-marital coaching.

Let me then invite all of you, whether you are going into a marriage or are already in one, and who wants to make your relationship the best it can be to head on over to my website and check out the quizzes page. There you’ll find a questionnaire titled ‘Are you ready to be in a relationship?’ It’s free! Complete it and let me know how you went.

Pre-marriage Program

If you want to extend yourself further check out this page: ‘Pre-marriage Program’ where you’ll be introduced to an in-depth analysis of your relationship and an answer to your question about whether you have what it takes to make your relationship last your lifetime.

Interesting – the one thing I didn’t hear my children say to their new spouses was that they would be there ‘til death do them part. I think this was as it should be as I don’t think its right to promise something for some time in the future when we really don’t know what that future will be or how we will be in it. I’ll say more about that in another blog.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Feel I Love Him Anymore

Oct28

I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Feel I Love Him Anymore

There’s another question that goes often comes with this one and that is about the satisfaction many women feel in having given birth. It’s like the child now fulfills all her love and sexual needs some even saying that the very act of holding a child in their arms and/or breast-feeding the child gives them immense sexual pleasure so much so that some women even report the experience of an orgasm every time they feed their child.

So the first thing to know here is that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Your body is surging with hormones as it adjusts to being pregnant and as it begins to prepare you, emotionally and physically, for the birth of your child and placing the care of another human being in your hands.

This also means that your instincts are on full alert. You may even find yourself becoming anxious not only about the baby and its well-being but also about your own well-being. Suddenly you don’t want to take the risks you might have once taken on the belief that if something happens to you what then becomes of your baby?

There are lots of hypotheses about why this happens but maybe after all it is just a quirky act of nature to ensure that this helpless child is taken care of to ensure its survival even though often the one who misses out most here is the woman’s partner, the father of the child who can feel abandoned or unwanted now that the child is born. As far as nature is concerned the father has done his bit. It’s now up to the mother to incubate this child and bring the pregnancy to full term.

Maybe this is as basic as you can get as this is truly about survival of the species.

So in accepting that the feelings you have are absolutely normal there are a few things you can and maybe even should do.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, if you find that your love is diminishing for your husband, or you even feel no love for him at all, you should not make any hasty decisions. Instead given that it is most likely just the hormones that are making you feel so give yourself some time to think rationally before making any long-term decision that might impact negatively on all of you.

At the very least, wait until after your baby has been and then even for the postnatal stage to end. In the meanwhile enjoy what you and your partner have created together and share every aspect of this pregnancy together. Visit your doctor together, attend prenatal classes together and make all plans re setting up the baby’s room and other decisions that will need to be made re the child’s ongoing care after the birth together.

Mothers are often defined as the gatekeepers to their child.

This means it’s most often up to you to ensure you include the father in the pregnancy. Often, and especially so for first time dads, they can feel overwhelmed by the experience and very unsure of what to do. They therefore sometimes need a guiding hand to let them know that you are still the same person, only different. This means that it is also normal to continue all the pre pregnancy activities especially in your sexual relationship. Sometimes, dads and even moms feel scared about this as they are concerned that they might hurt the child. This is not so though if you are concerned speak to your doctor to relieve any fears you have.

So for now enjoy this beautiful time together and drop those thoughts of lost love. There will be time in the future to decide if this really is the case or just Mother Nature doing its job after all.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Are You Addicted To Love?

Oct21

Are You Addicted To Love?

Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life and maybe only second to becoming a parent. Consequently it is crucial that it is a decision made with considerable thought and care to ensure that, as much as possible, it will create a lasting relationship.

Having said that I have never come across anyone who made a decision to marry with the intent of divorcing and yet, as we know, more than 40% of first marriages do end in divorce and the statistics are even higher for second and subsequent marriages – 60%++.

Is There Something Wrong That They Have Been Married Three Times?

Maybe there is or maybe it is that some people just keep making wrong decisions. For some people it just takes time to figure out that the relationship is just not working. Maybe some people are just poor judges of character or don’t know themselves well enough to know who actually might be a good match for them.

Maybe there are people who just don’t take the time needed to know someone well enough, or long enough, before diving into a marriage.

And then there are those who are just plain addicted to love. It’s like the beginning part of a relationship, the honeymoon stage, feels so good that they want to create it again and again. So as soon as the fire in the current relationship starts to flicker then the love addict will end the relationship and go and seek the buzz of another new relationship.

If a person has been married three times should I stay away from them?

As already spoken about there can be many reasons why people end a marriage. So for someone who has been married three times, the decision to marry them, or not, needs to be based on a clear understanding as to why this has happened in the past and the likelihood of it happening again.

If they have come to understand what it means to be married and still want to marry you then there should be no problem. If you don’t go ahead you might be missing out on the possibility of creating something truly beautiful with your soul mate. And while they might not have been able to make it with someone else it might just be that this time it will work with you.

Marriage is a very beautiful relationship and the depth of relationship that is possible comes from the heart not from the mind. The mind may tell you not to marry a person who has been divorced, but the heart tells you marry them, because you love them. Listen to what both your heart and mind have to say and then make a decision. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones to make it last your lifetime.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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He says he wants me but will not commit

Oct17

Committed RelationshipTo know in your mind, and feel in your heart, that you are in a committed relationship and that whatever happens, your partner will still be there for you, brings a sense of security to those in the relationship that love alone cannot provide.

One thing I often ask a couple when beginning work with them is whether they are committed to each other as well as to the relationship. The answer to this question is even more important than the answer to the question – “Do you love your partner?” as the two may actually not be mutually inclusive.

Let me explain this a little more. You might believe that you love your boyfriend or girlfriend with no interest in making it a long-term relationship. You may equally feel committed to the relationship without really being in love: Love may be more a feeling that comes from the heart while commitment maybe more a thought that comes from the mind.

So, what if your boyfriend or girlfriend says that he or she wants to be with you but will not commit? For many this raises the question – “DOES HE REALLY LOVE ME?” The answer may be “yes!” he does love you but for whatever reason cannot commit to you.

So what does this really mean?

Commitment may encompass love but it’s really a whole lot more. It is the unconditional giving of all of oneself to the welfare of the other and to the relationship above all else. It requires an absolute acceptance of an obligation to and a responsibility for another human being and to the connection between you.

For some contemplating doing this is way scarier even than just saying “I love you!”

Commitment refers to the “honor” part of the marriage vows that state that you will each “love and honor each other all the days of your life”. For some this is just too big a thing to ask.

If you ever face such a situation, you need to consider a few things before deciding whether to continue with him or her. If you are truly serious about him or her, then he or she should also be equally serious about you and if he or she is not, I would suggest you think very carefully about continuing the relationship.

To help you decide think firstly about what may be the possible reasons that he or she is not committing.

Sometimes the hesitation is because of some earlier life experience either as they observed their own parents or other family members where there has been heartache and pain. Maybe the reason they cannot commit is that they love someone else and they are just having fun with you or more specifically you are just a “TIME PASS”.

Alternatively they just might not be sure what they want, or they want everything. The sad thing is that generally such people end up with nothing.

So what do you do about it?

If you hear from your partner that he loves you and is committed to you but you don’t feel it clearly in your heart and mind there are three possible directions you can take:

Firstly take a closer look at yourself to see if you are the one fearful of really giving yourself to this relationship.

Also take a close look at him or her and in conversation express your concerns openly and honestly. Ask questions about their earlier life experiences and about their beliefs about relationship to assess whether the issue may be from somewhere in their past.

If you still don’t feel you are getting a convincing answer then consider carefully whether it’s time to move on, for the truth is that there are some out there to whom you will give and give and from whom, for all you give them, will simply not be able to match it in return.

This might sound harsh but sometimes the kindest thing to do for you and/or for another is to let it go. There’s an old adage that says something to the effect of: if you truly love something let it go, if it flies away it’s not yours to have if it comes back it will be yours forever.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What Happened To The Magic In Your Relationship?

Oct13

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

 

What Happened To The Magic In Your Relationship?

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Love is Being Able to Say – “I’m Sorry!”

Sep23

Sorry honey!

“Sorry” – this simple five letter word can work magic. And while it is sometimes the hardest word to say, it can change so many things; the way people think about us, and even how much they care for us as well as how close to us they feel.

Even after knowing the magic this word can do, there are certain times when we do not want to say – “I’m Sorry”. Sometime our ego stops us from saying sorry. We can feel like if we would say sorry, we would lose our value.

This is not to say that you should just say sorry every time something comes up for you and your partner. The really important thing to remember here is that it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. Therefore, no matter what the situation is, there is going to be fault on both parts.

The task here then is to figure out what part of the issue is yours and what your responsibility is to that and to be willing to say sorry for that regardless of whether the other person is willing to take responsibility for their part and/or is willing to say sorry for that or not.

If you feel that you should be saying sorry but are not able to then there is some other issue that may be stopping you which may need to be explored first.

I strongly agree with the statement often said that, “in a relationship you should not hesitate to say sorry even if it is their mistake”.

The important thing to remember here is really about what are you saying sorry for and to express that to yourself and your partner. Your partner then will be compelled to look at their part in the issue and will then make up their own minds. They may then, or may not, say that they are equally sorry for their part.

Keep in mind though that whether they say sorry or not should not be what makes you decide to say it. Your sorry should be offered openly and honestly, without condition or expectation of something coming back.

Finding A Way from Being Mad To Saying Sorry Test:

There is a simple “saying sorry test” you can take to discover if you are ready to say sorry or not.

Answer each of the following questions as honestly as possible. It may even be helpful to write down your answers:

1 What is the truth about the issue? It can still only be your perspective, and your partner will have their own perspective, but somewhere in that you should be able to find a way to trace the events that led to the issue and ascertain your part in that.
2 What does the other person in the event mean to you? If they are very important to you and you think that losing them would be a great loss for you, then do not hesitate to initiate the apology. Even if you think the mistake is theirs remember that you are a part of it and can take responsibility for that.
3 What do you mean to them? Do they really love you? Are you willing to let a potentially unresolved issue get in the way of your long-term relationship? The truth here is that any issue left unresolved will not go away on its own; it will become an irritant until one day it finds a way out through via some other issue.

If in answering these questions you are able to get clear about what there is to be sorry about, don’t hesitate to express it. Even if you conclude from this that it really isn’t for you to say sorry you should be able to at least say sorry for the difficult situation you both find yourselves in.

From sorry then comes forgiveness and I’ll address this concept further in another article.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Are You Marriage/Relationship Ready?

Sep9
Untitled

 

This week I attended two days training on the topic of preparing couples for marriage/relationship. We had some lengthy discussions about what the benefits of this might be for couples and who would want it.

With this in mind I thought this would be a good time to address my thoughts on the topic and I’ll speak more about the service at the end of this article/blog.

Reduce Your Likelihood of Divorce by 30%

Research has shown us that the divorce rate of those who have done a preparation for marriage course cuts the divorce rate by more than thirty percent.

Every couple hopes that they’ll live happily ever after. Fewer than one in three actually will. What makes the difference? Is it love? Is it luck?

Did you know that most affairs and divorces occur during the years just after the wedding? That living together before the wedding does not increase marriage success? That marriage satisfaction can plummet when a child is born?

Transition from the romance of the pre-wedding period to married life can be much more challenging than most couples expect.

Premarriage preparation, or premarital counseling, is a form of counseling that can benefit every couple planning to marry or enter into a long-term relationship. This is not the same as couple therapy, which may be what’s needed when more critical issues come up. Premarital counseling tends to take on more of an educational role. Its purpose is to help you discover things about each other that you may not have known before giving you an opportunity to confirm for yourself that this person really is the right person for you.

Premarital counseling is also about teaching you the skills you will need to support each other in having a happy and lasting marriage.

So, just like life, the marriage certificate doesn’t come with a set of operating instructions. And, just like life, the skills you need to make a successful relationship aren’t necessarily learned from observing your parents. The truth is that most of them may also still be trying to figure out how to be in marriage/relationship. The skills really are best taught by someone trained who has the knowledge of what it takes to be a couple.

The philosophy behind premarital counseling is that it highlights the strengths of a couple before you marry and to anticipate and prepare you for the challenges and conflicts that could arise in the future by drawing attention to your growth areas.

Premarital counseling will help you identify and communicate your fears, desires, beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and other issues that may have been previously avoided or denied or maybe even never discussed.

Research into the benefits of premarital counseling has found that there is a window of opportunity that exists during the year that precedes the wedding as well as the first six months after the wedding when the most benefits from premarital counselling can be gleaned. As time passes and more stress comes into the relationship, a couple can find that negative habits and unhealthy relationship patterns can develop that can become well established and very hard to break.

Research has illuminated seven areas of knowledge and relationship skills that help contribute to the development, success and lasting quality of a happy, loving marriage.

Planning a wonderful wedding is great, but investing just a little in the success of your marriage and long-term relationship is at least as important.

Anyway let me get back to the training day. The workshop was teaching us, the participants, how to use a software program called “Prepare-Enrich”. We further learned how to read the results, facilitate a feedback session and to discuss with the couple any issues that became evident from those results.

This program begins with having each member of the couple complete a very detailed inventory. While this was developed back in the 1970’s by David Olson Ph.D., as a paper and pen exercise, it is now completed on the computer in your own time. The inventory is designed specifically for your situation based on the details you enter into the computer in the first instance.

The intention of the program is to help build stronger relationships through the following avenues:

  • Explore Strength and Growth Areas
  • Strengthen Communication Skills
  • Identify and Manage Major Stressors
  • Resolve Conflicts using the Ten Step Model
  • Develop a more balanced relationship using the Couple and Family Maps
  • Understand personality differences and maximize teamwork

The follow-up sessions address every one of these areas in order to be of the greatest help to couples.

I’m feeling very excited about being involved in the great work that David Olson and others are doing and would like to offer my readers an opportunity to complete the program as well.

If you would like some more information about this program contact me or check back at my website. We would be happy to help you complete the inventory.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Managing Long Distance Relationships

Aug26

Long Distance Relationship

What is a long distance relationship?

I’m often asked about how to best manage long distance relationships.

Firstly let me try to define what a long distance relationship is. In this article/blog I’m going to define it as any relationship wherein the couple are not living together.

So by this definition it could be any relationship where one person resides elsewhere other than in the same house as the other person in the relationship. These separate residences could be across town or even across the world.

It could be as a consequence of one party having work commitments that means they need to live elsewhere, such as in the armed services or just by being a shift worker. This could even be as a consequence of one of the parties having been imprisoned. Or it could be that the situation they are in doesn’t allow the couple to live together; one party may already be in a relationship, or the relationship is not accepted culturally because of church or possible criticism from the rest of the community such as might be the case with same-sex couples.

There is also the possibility that the marriage has been arranged and due to cultural practices the couple are not able to meet until they have married.

And of course there are relationships that exist only across the internet – cyber relationships. These relationships can be just as intense as any relationship conducted face-to-face and even have the capacity to become sexual in their own way.

So how do couples manage these relationships?

Well firstly there is no doubt that these relationships can be more difficult to manage as each of the couple go about living their own lives. Having to make time to be with each other, however that happens, can be a difficult and challenging task.

There are also the challenges associated with sharing these relationships with other people in the life of the couple such as family, friends and work colleagues.

I’m also drawn here to think of situations where one party is in a totally foreign environment such as a prison or a war zone. The reality here is that the person who is living in a more “normal” environment really is not able to know exactly what the experience of the other’s life actually feels like for them and can only rely on their communication to even get any glimpse at all.

And yet with all of these things against them, couples still find a way to have and to maintain these long distance relationships. And the answer as to how they do it is not as difficult as it might seem.

The success of these relationships comes from an absolute and unparalleled commitment to each other and a total trust in the commitment of the other as well.

And just as with any relationship that makes the distance, if you’ll pardon the pun, it still requires lots and lots of ongoing conversations about how it’s going for you as well as an ongoing interest and curiosity in the day by day happenings in each others lives.

I would love to hear back from any of you in these kinds of relationships to speak about how it is for you and how you keep the love alive.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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