Tag Archive | relationship

How to Create a Happy Marriage?

Nov19

Happy couple embracing and laughingSome of the issues that disrupt a relationship can include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person for the difficulties that will and do arise, excluding or discounting the other’s feelings when focusing on a task, having no clear and defined objectives as well as where roles and expectations of each person in the relationship are undefined or not defined clearly.

Relationships are often seen as fragile requiring huge effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also provide a safe haven for you to be and can be long-lasting despite the potential pitfalls.

Creating a happy and lasting relationship can be achieved in several ways:

Society may be seen as a web of relationships, which requires all members to work and contribute their share in order to achieve a common goal. Having a relationship that is happy, where cooperation and respect are valued, simply makes the whole society work better.

This can only be achieved when all those involved work well together and for relationships it’s no different.

Happy relationships are defined by you and your partner openly expressing your feelings and perspectives on all matters relevant to the relationship. Assuming that your partner understands your needs and gives without your asking for it is neither realistic nor desirable. What happens if they get it wrong?

The easiest way to understand what is important to your partner is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. This might mean putting aside your own wants for the time being. You will get your turn to speak as well.

The benefit here is that when the they realize they are being listened to they are more likely to feel the importance given to them which frees the way for them, in turn, to be more open to what you have to say.

Understand first and only then act on each others feelings and perspective.

Another key to a happy relationship is respect. You show respect by listening to your partner and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to each other by confirming that they are doing everything they can.

The opposite of respect is being too quick to form judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudices.

Respect is really the foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself as well as respecting the other.

And yet another key area in creating a happy relationship is to tackle the differences between you immediately.

Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.

This can be done when both of you acknowledge that the relationship is important. That each of you is willing to exert the time, effort and energy necessary to understand the each other’s perspective and needs, and work at it until it is resolved.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging are important if you are to really understand each other.

Informal discussions from time to time are also beneficial for ongoing good will with each other. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. You also feel more relaxed allowing you to think more clearly and maybe come up with some resolutions that you might not have been able to come up with when dealing emotionally with an issue in the heat of the moment.

Develop an atmosphere where each of you can express your feelings when needed.

When people fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings about an incident that has happened, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Relationships are important to everyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve your relationship and to creating the happy relationship that you want.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Rediscovering Sex after Pregnancy

Nov12

Rediscovering Sex after PregnancyA common question I’m asked after a couple has just had a child is: “When can we have sex again?” The short answer is: “When it feels right”. Sadly it is most often he who is ready before she is so when it doesn’t happen as he expects then this can lead to feelings of frustration and even alienation from the new mum and her baby.

Low or absent sexual desire is a very common experience after pregnancy; a reduction in sexual interest and activity, compared with pre-pregnancy levels, is really the norm during the first few months.

Studies have found that more than half of women resume intercourse at six weeks after delivery; By 24 weeks more than 80% of women were ready to be sexual again. The majority of the women even reported being able to come to orgasm by 12 weeks. And most studies indicate a gradual return to pre-pregnancy levels of sexual desire, enjoyment, and coital frequency within a year.

The return to making love is strongly influenced by the mother’s experience before pregnancy, her physiology, and her emotional and psychological make-up as well as by the culture she has been raised in.

The physical impact of giving birth is generally complete somewhere between four and six weeks. Research has shown that this differs little between those who have given birth vaginally as opposed to those who have had a cesarean birth. However the mother may still be weary for some time especially if the baby is not feeding well or is restless and taking time to settle down to a good sleep routine.

And then there is the emotional impact which may take longer to recover from. Here also every woman makes progress in her own time and in her own way.

Emotional disturbance very often takes the form of post natal depression, sometimes affectionately called, “post natal blues”. This can be as mild as feeling restless or as serious as contemplating harming the child or the mother herself.

Good old-fashioned Mother Nature is probably the greatest villain here.

While ensuring that the mother’s milk supply stays high, breastfeeding can negatively affect sexual desire whilst also guarding against a future pregnancy too soon. The reason is that estrogen levels decline during breastfeeding, which, sadly, also means that sexual interest also declines.

Vaginal lubrication also decreases which can lead to pain with intercourse which is also a way of ensuring that you don’t get into mischief while your new baby still needs so much of your attention.

The baby also makes sure that the mother’s attention is totally on her or him to ensure that this child has the best chance of surviving without having to compete with anyone else. This includes the father who, so far as this child is concerned, has fulfilled his part of the bargain.

So what does all this mean for the couple?

Firstly it means that as well as dealing with a new baby and all that entails it also means that you now have to patiently focus your energies on this child until you are not required 24/7 anymore.

In the meanwhile you can start to take any moment this child allows you to do some nice things for each other that are not necessarily going to lead to intercourse. Bathe together, massage each other, have a sleep in, if your baby will let you, and rest when your baby is asleep rather than trying to use this time to catch up on chores. Also take time out, as it is offered by friends and family, to go out and share a meal together or go to the movies.

Other forms of sexual expression, such as touching, kissing, and mutual pleasuring techniques, besides just being nice to do, can also help to re-establish physical closeness with your partner. So take your time getting to know each other again.

Whatever else you do go slowly!!

Then when the time is right begin to reintroduce more sexually based activities into your schedule. The use of water-based vaginal lubricants can help reduce discomfort during intercourse. Vaginal moisturizers also can relieve vaginal dryness and pain.

And don’t be in too much of a hurry to get to intercourse. Masturbate each other or with each other until you are both sufficiently aroused to take it to the next step.

And don’t forget to use some form of contraception. Breastfeeding is not a guarantee against falling pregnant. And I should know as that is how I conceived my fourth child seven months after delivering my third and whilst still breast feeding and feeling absolutely exhausted chasing after two other pre-schoolers.

Finally, take heart. Enjoyment of sexual intercourse will return, even if it is gradual, after childbirth. Give it time and enjoy the little bundle of joy you have created from your love for each other.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Catch a Cheating Partner

Nov5

How to Catch a Cheating Partner

Couples often come to a stage in their relationship where things no longer go so smoothly and they start asking questions about their future. This is a normal stage of development for all relationships. And rather than shying away from it you would do better to take a close look at where you are in your relationship and to notice if there is something you need to be paying attention to.

This would ensure your relationship continues into the future in a healthy way rather than taking it down a path of self destruct.

Remember this: where you put your thoughts is most likely how your relationship will respond.

Sometimes the difficulty you find your selves in leads you to question whether your partner is having an affair. The truth is sometimes they are but rather than seeing an affair as a symptom of a relationship in trouble it is seen as the cause of the trouble.

Let me also clarify here the meaning of the term ‘cheating’.

Most often we immediately think of cheating as one or both parties having an affair outside of the marriage. My definition of cheating is really when anything outside of the relationship, eg work or personal pursuits, takes precedence over the relationship to the detriment of the relationship.

Often by the time the couple enters counselling the damage has already become irreparable due to the accusations and recriminations that have been shot at each other. Often one party will admit their guilt either to relieve themselves of it, or simply to escape the torment. The sad thing here is that generally a confession rarely gets a resolution and most often just creates more anguish.

If you have your suspicions about your partner, you probably already realize that the relationship is in trouble but you also need to be ready for a revelation that might actually put an end to the relationship.

If you suspect that your partner is cheating don’t match their deceitfulness with your own by checking out their credit card expenses and/or their phone accounts. You might find answers but the way you have done so makes you no better than them.

The only way forward here is to ask the question outright and trust that you will know from their answer what the truth is. And while you may be able to investigate on your own to find your answer you should make sure that before you begin your investigation, and certainly before you ask the question outright, you prepare yourself for the answers you may receive.

So if such a couple presents to me in counselling the starting point of therapy is not about discovering the truth of an affair but the truth about their love and commitment of each other.

It may be that an affair, if it exists, will need to be discussed but not until both parties are ready to deal with what it means and how they want to deal with it. This really may be no different to managing a client who has experienced abuse in their past.

Sometimes it is necessary to know how to manage it and what you will do with the information before you even attempt to expose the client to the details of the abuse. If you simply present the client with the abuse up front it may actually only traumatise them further rather than giving them a solution.

Of course I’m not saying here that you should overlook the possibility of an affair but it needs to be looked at in perspective. That is, it needs to be viewed against the backdrop of your whole relationship and against whatever else is going on in the relationship.

What this all boils down to is this: get really clear about whether you actually have a relationship because only then can you figure out what you need to do about any cheating that might be happening.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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The Secret to Winning Her Back

Oct29

The GentlemanHere’s the story of Tom and Pamela. They met; fell in love, and everything seemed so right. To him that is.

For her it was far from right. Then one day, out of the blue, she tells you she’s “had enough” and is gone, or worse still, she asks you to pack your bags and move out. Sometimes she doesn’t even ask you to pack your bags but she does it for you or just throws your stuff out on the street.

That would be the most humiliating experience anyone has ever had to face and happens more times than we might think.

What do you do now?

After you’ve picked yourself up and settled the anger that’s raging inside of you, you need to ask yourself a few questions.

  • Do you really want to be with your girlfriend again?
  • Do you still love her very much?
  • Is it more important than anything to be with her again?

If yes, then you will have to be careful and restrained. If you really want her back, you need to follow some tips. The first thing you need to do to get her back is to:

Think from her perspective. i.e.: Think like a girl.

You see the problem here is simply that you’ve been thinking like a guy. Guys always seem to miss the subtle clues that girls give off constantly that lets you know if you’re doing the right thing or not. And the most frustrating thing about this is that girls expect you to know this without having to tell you. It will be subtle and you are being tested so always pay attention to what is not being said as well as what is being said.

Really; only when you stop thinking like a man and start thinking like a woman can you possibly understand what’s really going on. And once you’ve got this figured out you will be able to act the way she likes.

The most important thing you should know is DON’T BE CHILDISH. Do not beg, do not follow her everywhere like a puppy and most importantly do not become a stalker. If you will do so she will get even more irritated and will dislike you all the more. That will probably leave you even more desperate.

So don’t show up at her work or wherever she is, thinking she might get back with you if you do. If you do anything like this then you will never be able to get her back.

You need to control your emotions. Girls don’t like men who beg or plead. Women choose men with a healthy ego. Girls like men with an attitude.

PS ‘an attitude’ though is not about thinking you’re better than everyone else. An attitude is about thinking and knowing you are OK no matter what.

And do not call her ten times in a day. Let her know that you still want to be friends with her, by calling her once after one or two weeks have gone by in which she’s had some time to decide what she really wants.

Maturity is the quality that girls like the most. Show her that you are still interested and mature enough to be willing to look at your faults and to hear her out before deciding if there is something you could or should do differently.

It might be that there are some things you’d like her to do differently as well but now is not the time to be highlighting those. Just use this time to really listen to her. Find out what the issues are and decide what there is to learn from this experience so you can then demonstrate a change in how you are with her.

And if that is good enough you’ve got a real chance of winning her back. If not she’ll let you know that too.

Follow these tips and you might not even have to ask her to get back with you. She might just ask you to come back herself.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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When the Fighting Becomes Unbearable

Oct15

Fight

I received this very sad letter not so long ago so am making it the focus of this blog article.

“Why is it that I and my girlfriend quarrel/argue every week for she says she doesn’t trust me and tells me every time that she doesn’t want to marry me?

I love her so much and want her be my wife. I have thought of things that she thinks that creates the argument, but when i start to work on those things it works a little while but fails and never lasts.

I am standing on two conflicting ideas. Marry her or start over another relationship.

What she says when she gets angry out of nothing gets me crazy. Even now, we are not giving phone calls to each other.

What should I do to keep and maintain happy and healthy relationship with her? I want to give love to her and expect the same response from her. How can I make that happen? When I stop things over, she starts and when I come to understating she pushes me away.

It has been like this for more than two years since I met her. One week okay and another week HELL.

Please help me save my relationship.”

Let me start to answer this multifaceted question by firstly saying that all relationships will have times of conflict especially as part of negotiating a long-term relationship. This is part of helping you figure out the ‘rules’ that are going to define how your relationship is to be managed. This involves who will make the decisions and who will be responsible for what aspect of your relationship.

This is a normal part of the transition into the next stage of relationship development as you move away from the symbiosis, the honeymoon stage that defines the first part of all relationships.

So the way through this is firstly to learn some communication skills so that you can each hear clearly what the other is saying before responding. Sometimes it is necessary to bring a professional counsellor/coach into the picture who can teach you how to do this and help you manage the process when things become especially difficult.

The next part of the process is to define what it means to be in relationship and what that relationship should look like to support both of your values of what a loving relationship actually is. Then take the time to ask each other lots of questions to assess whether these values are shared making you compatible as this value compatibility is what will determine whether your relationship has what it needs to make it long-term.

Just as importantly, for relationships to succeed it requires a selflessness that has at its core a willingness to do for another without any thought of what’s in it for me. If we only do for another for what we can get back then we’re not in it for love. And of course if you are both acting from that place then you’ll get what you want anyway but now for the right reasons.

For more information on the stages of relationship go and have a look at my product shop. There you will find several books including one titled “Relationships – A Couples Journey” that addresses the stages relationships go through as part of their natural development. Another book that maybe is helpful is titled “Love, Lies & The Games Couples Play” which takes a look at conflict in relationships and how to manage it. You’ll find the book at Amazon. You can get the free abridged ebook by subscribing to the newsletter.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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When All She/He Does Is Complaining

Oct8

ComplainingIt seems like some people just like to complain. No matter what you do, you cannot make them happy. From trivial mistakes to great blunders, they do not let go of a single opportunity to tell you that you’ve done something wrong.

These types of behaviour are really just displays of low self-esteem. These may even be the victims of the world trying just trying to help themselves feel better.

It is very difficult to have and maintain a relationship with such people, because they find it difficult to utter a compliment and maybe even struggle to tell you that they love you. It often just seems like they don’t appreciate you no matter what you do. I’ve even heard people describe them as misers when it comes to giving compliments, and even sometimes in receiving compliments.

These people are also game playing as this is what they are actually doing – playing a psychological game that has only one objective and that is to confirm for them what it us they have already decided about themselves and/or about others.

So if they want to believe that nobody can do anything as well as them or that they are the only ones who know how to do anything at all, or that they themselves are pretty useless but in order to try to feel a little better about themselves they have to bring you down, so that you are then too busy thinking about what you might have done wrong so you don’t discover it’s actually more about them, it’s this that sets the game in motion.

Confusing?

When you try to look at it logically it is. But when you are responding to something you decided on when you were three or four years of age then it makes perfect sense to the unconscious part of your mind that has been harbouring that belief and playing it out again and again making the belief stronger and stronger with each experience which again simply reconfirms those tired old beliefs.

The Answer to the Game – Get off the Merry-Go-Round

So how do you deal with these kinds of people and with this kind of twisted logic? It’s simple really. You take a position of care for the other and assertiveness for yourself. You must also be in tune with your own vulnerability which might mean that sometimes you need to respond and that sometimes it’s better not to.

This doesn’t mean that you have to roll over and accept what is being said but you must respond thoughtfully or else you can start to feel like you’re on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop.

It is important though to keep in mind that sometimes the complainer will ‘up the ante’, so to speak, and serve you more of the criticism  to get the desired outcome, the ‘payoff’ as we would call it in game theory.

The bad news is that if you give in and accept the complaint or criticism as true there is only one of three outcomes possible. These define the outcomes of extreme games and end up in the courtroom, the hospital or maybe even in the morgue.

It might begin somewhat innocently and then escalate until it seems that there is no going back. For example, if you think you can just tell the complainer they are wrong in some matter, or they need to change their attitude the reply you get might be: “I DO NOT NEED YOU, IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME YOU CAN LEAVE”.

From here it’s likely to become a fast ride to no-where!

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Love versus Infatuation

Sep17

Body Language

When we first meet someone we can sometimes confuse a very strong feeling of attraction towards them, one that we might think is love, for what is actually infatuation.

We might then notice our attraction towards that person decreasing and we realize that if we act on this feeling too quickly we may have made a mistake. So, how do we avoid such a mistake? The difference between love and infatuation is not so obvious, especially for those who develop this infatuation which, by the way, is the prelude to all loving relationships.

If you want to know if you are in love or if it’s just infatuation, then think about how long you have felt this feeling and what the reason was for this feeling. The person might have helped you with something and you felt strong gratitude towards them. You were impressed by them, and thought of the feeling of gratitude as an attraction or even to be love.

Sometimes the very fact of someone paying us some particular attention can be grounds to convince ourselves that we are loved and thereby happy to return that love.

I even quite often hear people say that they feel they have found their ‘soul mate’. And they honestly believe this to be so even if they may have only known this person for a short time.

A Trick of Nature?

Of course when we first meet someone we’re all on our best behavior. It is very easy to fool ourselves into believing that this is who the person really is.

In truth the only way we can really assess whether what we feel is love, or just infatuation, is to allow time to be the judge. Get to know this person as well as you can to assess your compatibility with them. And maybe the only sure test is to watch them when they’re under extreme stress as this will naturally bring out the best, or worst, in each of us.

So before, telling anyone that you love them and want to be in a relationship with them, be patient, and wait for some time to pass. Wait and see if the feeling that you think is love, decreases or if it stays somewhat the same over time or even grows.

Take off the rose-colored glasses and notice their flaws because you must love this part of your partner as well. Ask yourself: Would you still be able to love them knowing all their weaknesses and shortcomings?

Then if you get into something serious with them, and/or into marriage, then it would be a well thought through decision, not one based on impulse, and would truly become the best decision of your life.

The Lesson

So take some time before making that decision as it will be so important for your life, and the life of your potential partner and children.

And if after all this, your feelings towards this person remain the same, then it will be important to check that the feelings are reciprocated. You should see if they love you or not, and if they do then there is no reason not to be in a relationship with them.

Love Is Blind!

Love is a strange feeling; sometimes it makes us do things seemingly so insane that we might not otherwise have done them. But, if we all had our full faculties present, maybe none of us would ever even attempt to go there for fear of what might happen.

Yet, love is the most beautiful of all the emotions known to man and it makes life more beautiful and lovely; and well and truly worth the risk.

But, before making the decision to spend the rest of your life with a person you need to know whether what you feel towards them is truly love or just infatuation.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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I am not in love – can i still be happy in a relationship?

Sep10

Couple relaxing on sofa
I think this question needs some qualifiers first about love and what is love as well as about relationship and what is a relationship.

In this context I will use love to mean any deep and meaningful caring of one person toward another.

So I can truly love my partner but I can also equally love my children, my brothers and sisters, my friends and acquaintances. This definition excludes love that is sexual or lustful as it goes far beyond that.

Relationship then I will use to presume some understanding that two or more people have with each other that is based on the special qualities of the care they give such as in a partnership, a family or with friends.

In this context I’m excluding those in the general population for whom you may care deeply about but with whom you don’t have a special connection as in a relationship.

So from this perspective for a relationship to exist it must be based on love; a relationship cannot stay alive if you do not have love for that person.

Yet, I have seen some people who say they are in a relationship and at the same time, they tell me that they do not love the person they are with. Maybe what they’re talking about is love in the context of a sexual connection or an otherwise intimate connection.

These can then become relationships of convenience or companionship or one in which the couple have lost the passion and/or the will to nurture that and consequently exist only as friends or room mates. I believe long-term these kind of relationships will become unsustainable

Is it possible to be happy in relationship without love?

And as the question asks – is it possible to be happy in these relationships? The short answer is ‘yes’ in a manner of speaking. The longer answer though is ‘maybe not’. Let me explain what I mean here.

Firstly we’ve all heard of the notion that before we can love others we must love ourselves. This is often stated but I wonder how many people really understand what it means. I rather live by the notion that ‘to love ourselves is to love another’ and inversely ‘to love another is to love ourselves’. The indicator then that we love ourselves is in our capacity to truly love another and the indicator that we love another is in our capacity to truly love ourselves. It has to work both ways and is based on our capacity to love ourselves or another unconditionally, without any expectation. Now there’s a mind blower!!

Relationships are there to make us happy; obligate yourself to them. And if you are not getting happiness from a relationship, then maybe you need to look within yourself before looking at the other. And they need to do the same if it is they who are struggling with the capacity to love.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What Is God’s Will for Me?

Sep3

KissFrom my reader – “Thank you for this opportunity. I hope your site can help to educate many in the area of marriage, so that we can have a community of very happy people – to the glory of God. The following are the common burning questions: – For believers, they want to know if the person they are about to marry is God’s will for them – Wives have a biblical obligation to respect their husbands; what should happen if marrying a man would cause a lady to lose her (sic) carrier (career) desire; is this ok for the sake of love, and biblical respect? – When couples have a problem, who is the best person to consult for advice (pastor, family, friend, nobody etc) – Can an unbeliever be the will of God for marriage to a believer? – Can you marry, and hope to change someone in the course of marriage life? Other questions may follow later. My little contribution to your site for the moment. May the Holy Spirit inspire and grant you wisdom. Thank you and God bless you”

I’ll preface the answer to this question by saying that I’m agnostic. I’m simply not sure that God exists and therefore believe in the idea that we are free to make whatever decisions we wish to in our lives, for good or for bad. I further believe that our experience of our lives comes from the beliefs that we create as a consequence of our previous life experiences.

Consequently I believe that the bible is a book of stories written by ordinary people of the time, based on their understanding of life, and reflecting their experiences. The purpose was to get a message across to their fellow-men in the only way they knew how and with whatever tools they had at their disposal at the time; stories.

So here are my thoughts on the questions asked:

For anyone going into a relationship, Christian or not, they want to know if the person they are about to marry is the best for them. I think that the best relationships come from your will to be the best you can be for that person and to go into relationship with an absolute commitment to being that. So if you believe that you can’t give your best to the person you are considering marriage to then you should not go there at all.

I want to repeat what I just said – I didn’t say that they, your future partner, has to do or be anything. I want it to be really clear here that the success of your relationship is entirely about you and your commitment and your good will to the other person. If that is good enough and it may, or may not depending on who they are, be reciprocated. All you have to decide is whether you have it within you to be and give entirely of your love to another. And this by the way may need to be a daily decision.

The writer also mentions the obligation of a woman to respect her husband. For relationship to be successful respect needs to be both ways. And, given the times we now live in, this should also be a respect for his wife’s career choices and right to pursue a career as she wants, just as he should have respect from his wife to choose his career as he wants.

And what of the question whether a non-believer can be a God willing partner to a believer. If there were such a thing, then I’m sure God would bless this union as well as any other as a means of bringing out the best in both people.

This is also what I believe a good relationship is about: me learning from you and you learning from me. This might even lead to some changes in both of us in the process. Let my put a qualifier on this though which is; don’t ever expect that you can change someone else either by marriage or otherwise. Change may happen but it will be by their choice not yours just as this article may change you but not because of anything that I’ve said but by your consideration and decision as a consequence to what I’ve said.

And the last question raised in this question was about where you go when you need advice. Any of the people you mentioned may be a good choice. You may even find an answer in discussion with the person who probably knows you best of all and that is your partner. Here the critical component is that they are supportive of you and are willing to take the time to really hear what you have to say before responding.

And finally let me applaud the writer for their want for a community of happy people. I want for that too and while you might want it for the glory of God, I will seek for it to happen for the glory of your children and the children of your children.

Thank you to the author of this question for your blessings. They are humbly accepted and sincerely appreciated.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How come the sex is great but we don’t know how to talk to each other?

Aug27
Rosie

Good Sex and good communication are possibly two of the most critical components in determining whether a marriage or a relationship is a happy one. And maybe, along with love, is what makes a relationship strong enough to make the distance.

If your relationship lacks any of these three components, you definitely need to do some serious thinking, or you will very likely lose it. So a relationship with only love and sex without communication is as much at risk as love and communication is without sex or sex and communication is without love.

For this article I’m going to only address love and sex without communication as it is the one that seems to come up most often.

Reasons for Not Talking

There can be many reasons that you do not talk with your partner. It may be that when both of you work, you do not really have time to talk. You also have less time for each other and therefore for your relationship.

If this is how it is for you, you will need to consider the impact that this will have on your relationship and consider whether this is really to your advantage long-term. Of course sometimes the situation you find yourselves is unavoidable because of your families needs or because you have jobs that require shift work or your jobs take you away from your families. In these situations you need then to consider very carefully whether the price of holding such positions long-term is worth it especially if the price is the loss of your relationship and maybe your family.

Now you really will need to have a conversation to figure out what you could do to ensure that your work commitments do not impose so heavily on your relationship.

Sometimes you can’t change the circumstances but maybe, with a little imagination, you can make the most of what you’ve got. At these times you really need to get creative. One simple resolution could be for you to make other time to get together. Maybe this could be a lunchtime outing, even if it’s only a short break. Maybe you can both plan to take some time off together and go to breakfast or maybe a restaurant for dinner to create for you some quality time. Some real talk time.

Radical Differences

If finding the time isn’t the issue, then the reason might be more about something to do with the existence of radical differences between you. Maybe your thinking is also quite different from each other and whenever you talk, you end up arguing about something or maybe you just don’t feel you have anything interesting to contribute to a conversation with each other.

Then there are those people, who are just very shy or introverted. They do not share much of their life with anyone including their partners. If this sounds like your partner, you need to arouse in them the desire to speak, by talking about things they like. If this sounds like you then you need to find something in your life that you can get excited enough about to want to share the experience with your partner. This means for you to be involved in whatever it might be away from your partner which then gives you something to share when you come back together again.

Above all it’s important to know that communicating effectively is a skill. It is not there at our birth. It is learned initially from our parents who demonstrate the skills of their own communication styles in the way they addressed you and other family members when you were young. From these experiences come your beliefs about yourself and your right to a voice and to the expression of that voice.

So start in small ways. Maybe turn the TV off for a while and read to each other, a book or even the newspaper to give you some topics to begin to talk about. Then you might find it easier to speak about yourselves and what is important to you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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