Tag Archive | Conversation

When the Fighting Becomes Too Much

Dec16

When the Fighting Becomes Too Much

 

I received this very sad letter not so long ago so am making it the focus of this blog article.

“Why is it that I and my girlfriend quarrel/argue every week for she says she doesn’t trust me and tells me every time that she doesn’t want to marry me?

I love her so much and want her be my wife. I have thought of things that she thinks that creates the argument, but when i start to work on those things it works a little while but fails and never lasts.

I am standing on two conflicting ideas. Marry her or start over another relationship.

What she says when she gets angry out of nothing gets me crazy. Even now, we are not giving phone calls to each other.

What should I do to keep and maintain happy and healthy relationship with her? I want to give love to her and expect the same response from her. How can I make that happen? When I stop things over, she starts and when I come to understating she pushes me away.

It has been like this for more than two years since I met her. One week it’s okay and another week hell.

Please help me save my relationship.”

Let me start to answer this multifaceted question by firstly saying that all relationships will have times of conflict especially as part of negotiating a long-term relationship. This is part of helping you figure out the ‘rules’ that are going to define how your relationship is to be managed. This involves who will make the decisions and who will be responsible for what aspect of your relationship.

This is a normal part of the transition into the next stage of relationship development as you move away from the symbiosis, the honeymoon stage that defines the first part of all relationships.

So the way through this is firstly to learn some communication skills so that you can each hear clearly what the other is saying before responding. Sometimes it is necessary to bring a professional counsellor/coach into the picture who can teach you how to do this and help you manage the process when things become especially difficult.

The next part of the process is to define what it means to be in relationship and what that relationship should look like to support both of your values of what a loving relationship actually is. Then take the time to ask each other lots of questions to assess whether these values are shared making you compatible as this value compatibility is what will determine whether your relationship has what it needs to make it long-term.

Just as importantly, for relationships to succeed it requires a selflessness that has at its core a willingness to do for another without any thought of what’s in it for me. If we only do for another for what we can get back then we’re not in it for love. And of course if you are both acting from that place then you’ll get what you want anyway but now for the right reasons.

For more information on the stages of relationship go and have a look at my product shop. There you will find several books including one titled “Relationships – A Couples Journey” that addresses the stages relationships go through as part of their natural development. Another book that maybe is helpful is titled “The Games Couples Play” which takes a look at conflict in relationships and how to manage it. You’ll find the bookshop at my website at www.acouplesjourney.com.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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When She/He Just Like To Complain

Dec9

When She/He Just Like To Complain

It seems like some people just like to complain. No matter what you do, you cannot make them happy. From trivial mistakes to great blunders, they do not let go of a single opportunity to tell you that you’ve done something wrong.

These types of behaviour are really just displays of low self-esteem. These may even be the victims of the world trying just trying to help themselves feel better.

It is very difficult to have and maintain a relationship with such people, because they find it difficult to utter a compliment and maybe even struggle to tell you that they love you. It often just seems like they don’t appreciate you no matter what you do. I’ve even heard people describe them as misers when it comes to giving compliments, and even sometimes in receiving compliments.

These people are also game playing as this is what they are actually doing – playing a psychological game that has only one objective and that is to confirm for them what it us they have already decided about themselves and/or about others.

So if they want to believe that nobody can do anything as well as them or that they are the only ones who know how to do anything at all, or that they themselves are pretty useless but in order to try to feel a little better about themselves they have to bring you down, so that you are then too busy thinking about what you might have done wrong so you don’t discover it’s actually more about them, it’s this that sets the game in motion.

Confusing?

When you try to look at it logically it is. But when you are responding to something you decided on when you were three or four years of age then it makes perfect sense to the unconscious part of your mind that has been harbouring that belief and playing it out again and again making the belief stronger and stronger with each experience which again simply re-confirms those tired old beliefs.

The Answer to the Game – Get off the Merry-Go-Round

So how do you deal with these kinds of people and with this kind of twisted logic? It’s simple really. You take a position of care for the other and assertiveness for yourself. You must also be in tune with your own vulnerability which might mean that sometimes you need to respond and that sometimes it’s better not to.

This doesn’t mean that you have to roll over and accept what is being said but you must respond thoughtfully or else you can start to feel like you’re on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop.

It is important though to keep in mind that sometimes the complainer will ‘up the ante’, so to speak, and serve you more of the criticism  to get the desired outcome, the ‘payoff’ as we would call it in game theory.

The bad news is that if you give in and accept the complaint or criticism as true there is only one of three outcomes possible. These define the outcomes of extreme games and end up in the courtroom, the hospital or maybe even in the morgue.

It might begin somewhat innocently and then escalate until it seems that there is no going back. For example, if you think you can just tell the complainer they are wrong in some matter, or they need to change their attitude the reply you get might be: “I do not need you, if you do not want to be with me you can leave”.

From here it’s likely to become a fast ride to no-where!

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You!”?

Dec2

What If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You!”?

The phrase “I love you!” is a very important one for couples to hear from each other and especially so when the relationship is moving from a casual acquaintance to a more permanent one. It is like the official announcement that he, or she, really is in love with you and through these words is making a commitment for a long-term relationship.

But sometimes, and maybe particularly men, can take a long time to say “I love you!”. This can be for a variety of reasons

Maybe he is too shy to say “I love you!”, or maybe he is afraid that you might reject him.

On the other hand he might simply be afraid of commitment, as for many, saying these words is as good as saying “I want to be with you for the rest of our lives!” and that might just be too much for some men to contemplate.

Another reason why he might not have said “I love you!” is because he has grown up in a home where these words were never, or very rarely, uttered so they are simply not common to his language. And sometimes there might be no reason at all – it just hasn’t crossed his mind to say it even if you have.

I also know that there are some men who feel that if they say it because you said it then it might feel more like it’s been coerced out of them and doesn’t feel right because it has not been offered on their own accord.

If this is your issue, and you really want to know the truth, the best thing you can do is simply to ask him openly if he does love you. Of course, it might hurt your ego if he says something like “everything is just fine between us” or worse “Why did you have to ask that question? You just went and spoilt it all.”

If the latter is the case – be warned! He is most likely with you just for the good time and nothing more. In such a case, you then need to decide if you really want to stay with him, but if he does not love you, it might be time to leave him and move on.

But what if you have been in a relationship for some time and he still hasn’t said “I love you!”. What if he is reluctant or evasive even about answering your question or says something like “Of Course I do, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t” but still refuses to say the words? It would be very natural for you to be worried.

“Does he really love me?”

You may find yourself repeatedly asking the question of yourself – “Does he really love me?” In such a situation, you should certainly take a really close look at what is going on and ask yourself whether this is a relationship you really want to be in.

If the answer is not then maybe, no matter how you feel, it really is time to move on. Love is a two-way street and so both of you need to be in it fully if it’s going to last forever. Relationships simply cannot last if only one person is committed and saying the words “I love you!”

So until next time – Relate with Love

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I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Feel I Love Him Anymore

Oct28

I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Feel I Love Him Anymore

There’s another question that goes often comes with this one and that is about the satisfaction many women feel in having given birth. It’s like the child now fulfills all her love and sexual needs some even saying that the very act of holding a child in their arms and/or breast-feeding the child gives them immense sexual pleasure so much so that some women even report the experience of an orgasm every time they feed their child.

So the first thing to know here is that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Your body is surging with hormones as it adjusts to being pregnant and as it begins to prepare you, emotionally and physically, for the birth of your child and placing the care of another human being in your hands.

This also means that your instincts are on full alert. You may even find yourself becoming anxious not only about the baby and its well-being but also about your own well-being. Suddenly you don’t want to take the risks you might have once taken on the belief that if something happens to you what then becomes of your baby?

There are lots of hypotheses about why this happens but maybe after all it is just a quirky act of nature to ensure that this helpless child is taken care of to ensure its survival even though often the one who misses out most here is the woman’s partner, the father of the child who can feel abandoned or unwanted now that the child is born. As far as nature is concerned the father has done his bit. It’s now up to the mother to incubate this child and bring the pregnancy to full term.

Maybe this is as basic as you can get as this is truly about survival of the species.

So in accepting that the feelings you have are absolutely normal there are a few things you can and maybe even should do.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, if you find that your love is diminishing for your husband, or you even feel no love for him at all, you should not make any hasty decisions. Instead given that it is most likely just the hormones that are making you feel so give yourself some time to think rationally before making any long-term decision that might impact negatively on all of you.

At the very least, wait until after your baby has been and then even for the postnatal stage to end. In the meanwhile enjoy what you and your partner have created together and share every aspect of this pregnancy together. Visit your doctor together, attend prenatal classes together and make all plans re setting up the baby’s room and other decisions that will need to be made re the child’s ongoing care after the birth together.

Mothers are often defined as the gatekeepers to their child.

This means it’s most often up to you to ensure you include the father in the pregnancy. Often, and especially so for first time dads, they can feel overwhelmed by the experience and very unsure of what to do. They therefore sometimes need a guiding hand to let them know that you are still the same person, only different. This means that it is also normal to continue all the pre pregnancy activities especially in your sexual relationship. Sometimes, dads and even moms feel scared about this as they are concerned that they might hurt the child. This is not so though if you are concerned speak to your doctor to relieve any fears you have.

So for now enjoy this beautiful time together and drop those thoughts of lost love. There will be time in the future to decide if this really is the case or just Mother Nature doing its job after all.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Love is Being Able to Say – “I’m Sorry!”

Sep23

Sorry honey!

“Sorry” – this simple five letter word can work magic. And while it is sometimes the hardest word to say, it can change so many things; the way people think about us, and even how much they care for us as well as how close to us they feel.

Even after knowing the magic this word can do, there are certain times when we do not want to say – “I’m Sorry”. Sometime our ego stops us from saying sorry. We can feel like if we would say sorry, we would lose our value.

This is not to say that you should just say sorry every time something comes up for you and your partner. The really important thing to remember here is that it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. Therefore, no matter what the situation is, there is going to be fault on both parts.

The task here then is to figure out what part of the issue is yours and what your responsibility is to that and to be willing to say sorry for that regardless of whether the other person is willing to take responsibility for their part and/or is willing to say sorry for that or not.

If you feel that you should be saying sorry but are not able to then there is some other issue that may be stopping you which may need to be explored first.

I strongly agree with the statement often said that, “in a relationship you should not hesitate to say sorry even if it is their mistake”.

The important thing to remember here is really about what are you saying sorry for and to express that to yourself and your partner. Your partner then will be compelled to look at their part in the issue and will then make up their own minds. They may then, or may not, say that they are equally sorry for their part.

Keep in mind though that whether they say sorry or not should not be what makes you decide to say it. Your sorry should be offered openly and honestly, without condition or expectation of something coming back.

Finding A Way from Being Mad To Saying Sorry Test:

There is a simple “saying sorry test” you can take to discover if you are ready to say sorry or not.

Answer each of the following questions as honestly as possible. It may even be helpful to write down your answers:

1 What is the truth about the issue? It can still only be your perspective, and your partner will have their own perspective, but somewhere in that you should be able to find a way to trace the events that led to the issue and ascertain your part in that.
2 What does the other person in the event mean to you? If they are very important to you and you think that losing them would be a great loss for you, then do not hesitate to initiate the apology. Even if you think the mistake is theirs remember that you are a part of it and can take responsibility for that.
3 What do you mean to them? Do they really love you? Are you willing to let a potentially unresolved issue get in the way of your long-term relationship? The truth here is that any issue left unresolved will not go away on its own; it will become an irritant until one day it finds a way out through via some other issue.

If in answering these questions you are able to get clear about what there is to be sorry about, don’t hesitate to express it. Even if you conclude from this that it really isn’t for you to say sorry you should be able to at least say sorry for the difficult situation you both find yourselves in.

From sorry then comes forgiveness and I’ll address this concept further in another article.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Are You Marriage/Relationship Ready?

Sep9
Untitled

 

This week I attended two days training on the topic of preparing couples for marriage/relationship. We had some lengthy discussions about what the benefits of this might be for couples and who would want it.

With this in mind I thought this would be a good time to address my thoughts on the topic and I’ll speak more about the service at the end of this article/blog.

Reduce Your Likelihood of Divorce by 30%

Research has shown us that the divorce rate of those who have done a preparation for marriage course cuts the divorce rate by more than thirty percent.

Every couple hopes that they’ll live happily ever after. Fewer than one in three actually will. What makes the difference? Is it love? Is it luck?

Did you know that most affairs and divorces occur during the years just after the wedding? That living together before the wedding does not increase marriage success? That marriage satisfaction can plummet when a child is born?

Transition from the romance of the pre-wedding period to married life can be much more challenging than most couples expect.

Premarriage preparation, or premarital counseling, is a form of counseling that can benefit every couple planning to marry or enter into a long-term relationship. This is not the same as couple therapy, which may be what’s needed when more critical issues come up. Premarital counseling tends to take on more of an educational role. Its purpose is to help you discover things about each other that you may not have known before giving you an opportunity to confirm for yourself that this person really is the right person for you.

Premarital counseling is also about teaching you the skills you will need to support each other in having a happy and lasting marriage.

So, just like life, the marriage certificate doesn’t come with a set of operating instructions. And, just like life, the skills you need to make a successful relationship aren’t necessarily learned from observing your parents. The truth is that most of them may also still be trying to figure out how to be in marriage/relationship. The skills really are best taught by someone trained who has the knowledge of what it takes to be a couple.

The philosophy behind premarital counseling is that it highlights the strengths of a couple before you marry and to anticipate and prepare you for the challenges and conflicts that could arise in the future by drawing attention to your growth areas.

Premarital counseling will help you identify and communicate your fears, desires, beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and other issues that may have been previously avoided or denied or maybe even never discussed.

Research into the benefits of premarital counseling has found that there is a window of opportunity that exists during the year that precedes the wedding as well as the first six months after the wedding when the most benefits from premarital counselling can be gleaned. As time passes and more stress comes into the relationship, a couple can find that negative habits and unhealthy relationship patterns can develop that can become well established and very hard to break.

Research has illuminated seven areas of knowledge and relationship skills that help contribute to the development, success and lasting quality of a happy, loving marriage.

Planning a wonderful wedding is great, but investing just a little in the success of your marriage and long-term relationship is at least as important.

Anyway let me get back to the training day. The workshop was teaching us, the participants, how to use a software program called “Prepare-Enrich”. We further learned how to read the results, facilitate a feedback session and to discuss with the couple any issues that became evident from those results.

This program begins with having each member of the couple complete a very detailed inventory. While this was developed back in the 1970’s by David Olson Ph.D., as a paper and pen exercise, it is now completed on the computer in your own time. The inventory is designed specifically for your situation based on the details you enter into the computer in the first instance.

The intention of the program is to help build stronger relationships through the following avenues:

  • Explore Strength and Growth Areas
  • Strengthen Communication Skills
  • Identify and Manage Major Stressors
  • Resolve Conflicts using the Ten Step Model
  • Develop a more balanced relationship using the Couple and Family Maps
  • Understand personality differences and maximize teamwork

The follow-up sessions address every one of these areas in order to be of the greatest help to couples.

I’m feeling very excited about being involved in the great work that David Olson and others are doing and would like to offer my readers an opportunity to complete the program as well.

If you would like some more information about this program contact me or check back at my website. We would be happy to help you complete the inventory.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Talk About Money

Aug12

Talk About Money

Conflicts over money can fatally damage your relationships. In surveys with couple’s money even ranks as one of the biggest reasons why married couples fight and can even be the catalyst for couples separating.

For many of us today, just covering the costs of the basics has become a struggle. We are fighting about an array of things including rising fuel prices, higher cost of groceries, never-ending charges for the kids’ school supplies and those mortgage costs that continue to go up.

This stress can cause all of us in relationships to boil over as we look to one another to blame for the problems. Oftentimes, these stressors cause us to bring up financial, as well as other, “sins of the past”.

The way to deal with the stress around money is to talk about it. Most of us avoid this conversation at all costs. Why? Because the very act of raising the topic involves stress! Most of us would rather just avoid the conversation altogether and hope it will somehow magically all get better. But guess what? It won’t get better; and will continue to get worse unless you deal with it.

Three Steps to Having the Money Conversation:

  1. Do a Reality Check

Firstly realize that delaying this conversation will result in more pain later. Money problems do not go away by themselves. If you put off having these important conversations with your partner they’ll only get worse. If you’re getting deeper and deeper in debt each month, then every month that goes by just means even more debt. You must make a decision that you will initiate this crucial conversation about money now so that you can actually have less pain later.

Ask for a calm and honest conversation with your partner about money. This conversation should be initiated from a sincere concern about your direction as a couple. Your partner should not be made to feel like they are being cross-examined. Otherwise, they will be on the defensive before the conversation even begins.

Expect to share all your “spending secrets” with your partner. Most often we see all the financial failings of others, but we conveniently forget about our own. Your conversation about money has the potential to either create a strong bond in your relationship or drive a wedge between you. It all depends on how you handle the conversation. You must both be completely honest.

  1. Accept Responsibility

A very important aspect of this conversation must be the willingness on both of your parts to accept full responsibly for where you are. This means to accept full blame for all of the things that each of you did that may have caused the current situation and to accept responsibility for the actions you both need to take to remedy it.

This conversation can be challenging and painful. But it can also be rewarding and profitable. You might even see your relationship begin to change for the better once you deal with the underlying negative thoughts and emotions.

Begin this conversation with a spirit of openness. If you set the tone in the beginning of this conversation with a positive attitude and approach, things should go much better. And regardless of the issues that must be discussed, mutual respect is very important for continuing to build a healthy relationship.

  1. Moving On

At some point, both of you may need to “agree to disagree” over something from the past and move on. Being the bigger person can save you frustration and further future financial problems.

It might be helpful for you and your partner to schedule regular “money meetings” and to even establish a budget for you both to follow. You may even begin to make some progress in your financial life as you have these talks more often and begin to really control your finances with a clear plan in place. It might even open the way for you to talk about other important issues again or maybe even for the first time.

While showing respect, you may have to address serious spending problems and other issues. The key here is to focus on resetting where you are heading. Money problems created in the past cannot be erased, but you can start over with a new plan for the future.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Is It Possible to Make an Affair Work for You?

Jun24

Is It Possible to Make an Affair Work for You

One of the most hurtful events of a relationship is when someone is discovered having an affair.

Generally one of three things happens when someone discovers that their spouse has been cheating on them.

  1. The affair is ignored. This may mean that the affair continues but nothing changes in the relationship. This is often because the party being cheated on just doesn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ for fear of what might come of it.
  2. The relationship ends. Sometimes one or other of the couple decides that they can no longer be in the relationship and so the relationship ends.
  3. Ideally the affair stops. The old relationship discontinues and a new relationship begins.

Whether the relationship ends or not, some serious losses will be experienced. Losses can be physical or symbolic and may include:

  • Loss of trust
  • Loss of security
  • Loss of hope/dreams
  • Loss of faith
  • Loss of intimacy and affection
  • Loss of self-esteem

Sometimes it is these losses, over and above the affair, that pulls the couple apart and sounds the death knell for continuing the relationship.

If the third option is the case the challenge then is for the non-offending spouse to overcome these losses and find trust again for the other person. This is probably the biggest hurdle to overcome.

The Way Forward

The way forward then is to take the time with your spouse to talk about all these issues and to realign them with a new way of being.  More than anything for a relationship to make it through there needs to be forgiveness: forgiveness of each spouse of themselves and of each other for the part they played in the affair.

And yes, as hard it sounds, even the non-offending spouse might need to look at their part in causing the affair. In saying this I don’t mean to imply that the offending party should be absolved of what they have done. They must take full responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused but, as I’ve said before, the reason this affair has happened is because there was something amiss in the relationship to start with. For this both spouses need to assume responsibility.

To help you both along the way it might be useful to start a journal. Express all your thoughts and feelings in this journal; the good, the bad and the downright ugly. And besides making the time to talk about what happened there might also need to be some new, if only temporary, rules put into place regarding letting each other know where you are and what you’re doing and how long that will be. This can be the only way forward if trust is going to be re-established.

And by the way the spouse who decides the ultimate outcome of the affair will be the non-offending spouse not the one who cheated. Your role is to just grin and bear it, as this is the consequence of having erred. If there is enough love and a renewed commitment and trust you will find a way to reconnect. For both of you don’t be in a hurry. It will take as long as it takes.

Sometimes all this might seem too hard to do on your own and you might need some professional help. Take that help even if you don’t yet know what you should do now that the affair has been exposed. Counselling will help you find your way through the mess to then be able to make a clear decision to either leave the relationship or to recommit. It’s only as you come to make this decision that you can start to move forward.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Tell If Your Spouse is Cheating?

Jun10

Cheating happens in so many ways. When we first think about what cheating is we tend to think about spouses having sex outside of the relationship but it happens in many other ways as well. With this in mind be aware also that what is defined as cheating to one person might not be for someone else.

A recent magazine asked readers to define an extra-marital affair, with this result:

  • 21%

    thinking about an involvement

  • 21%

    dinner and drinks

  • 24%

    kissing and petting

  • 26%

    sexual intercourse

  • 8%

    not sure

And some people even define it as chatting on the internet or phone messaging with people of the opposite sex or using porn without the partner’s consent or inclusion.

How do you define cheating? And how do you know if your spouse is doing it?

Here are three tell-tale signs to look out for:

  1. 1.

    When your spouse suddenly takes extra special care in their dress or personal appearance or suddenly adopts a whole new style in clothing or hair.

  2. 2.

    When your spouse suddenly starts staying back at work late into the night saying they are doing extra work.

  3. 3.

    When your spouse spends longer hours on the computer and/or phone and doesn’t want you to ask questions about or see what s/he is doing.

NB Be mindful that there may be perfectly legitimate reasons for all of these behaviors so be careful jumping to conclusions.

And by the way cheating is not necessarily a death knell for the relationship.

There are many reasons people cheat. The most important one though is that something is not working in the relationship that really needs looking at. This does not necessarily mean that you do not love each other anymore. What it means is that someone in the relationship is just not getting some of there needs met. This might be sexually or in friendship or in satisfying a need for some excitement in their lives.

Here is the short answer to overcoming an affair.

If you have caught your partner out there is obviously some decisions to be made regarding whether you should abandon the relationship or whether you can both recover from this error. That will be decided by many things the most important of which is your capacity to forgive your partner, and maybe even yourself, for allowing the affair to happen.

If you are the one having the affair, by the way, it’s sometimes wiser to not tell but to recommit and make amends as best you can. While it is said that honesty must be at the base of all relationships there are some things that may be best left unsaid. On deciding you have made a mistake, the most important thing is to acknowledge that to yourself and to do whatever needs to be done to get this relationship back on track. If you then decide to tell your partner have a good reason for doing so which is not based on your need to free yourself of guilt.

If you are in a relationship where you think there might be cheating talk about it. This may not be best introduced with a question about whether the other person is actually having an affair, but from the perspective of sharing your thoughts and values on the topic so your partner has an opportunity to respond. In this way they are not left with any doubt as to what you think and feel about the possibility of s/he having an affair. It just may give him/her a chance to change their behavior without having to put your whole relationship on the line. Remember s/he may not have the same definition of cheating as you do.

I’ll address this in more detail in my next blog post.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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Are You Relationship Prepared?

May15

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

 

Are You Relationship Prepared?

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.