Sometimes couples come into me with an issue around jealousy, otherwise known as the “Green-eyed Monster”.
When you feel jealous of someone, the slightest gesture of deception seems to be the greatest betrayal of the world. You cannot see them talking and socializing with anyone, you just want them to pay attention to you and only to you. You feel insecure when they show any attention to someone else.
When you feel such jealousy you begin to think all the negative things. And when you begin to feel like this about someone, then there is also a big chance that you will begin to doubt their honesty and sincerity to you and once you create that thought in your mind your relationship becomes at risk.
You become a pessimist and may even begin to dislike your partner. You may have no idea of the jealousy that is consuming you as you find justification for how you are thinking.
Maybe it’s normal after all
All this said – being jealous of someone you love is a natural response that is present in the early stages of your relationship. Obviously when you love someone you want to hold onto them tightly because they are very important to you. In actual fact this really only becomes an issue when you have passed through this stage and when one of you is ready to return to some ‘normalcy’ in your life and the other is not able to.
For more on the stages of relationship and what is ‘normal’ look at my articles on the “stages of relationships”.
In this circumstance the issue is generally raised by the person who is just trying to get on with their life and who feels most the intrusion of the other party into their affairs. Sometimes this takes the form of checking out that person’s emails or phone messages and sometimes it becomes much more disturbing where one party might even attempt to stop the other party doing anything without that person being present to it. This could even impose on the person being able to carry out their normal social and/or work responsibilities. The result can be a feeling of being stifled.
Getting over it
When I hear this kind of story my first questions are generally about whether there has ever been any evidence of behavior that warrants such a response. If not, then I take a closer look at the jealous person’s history as generally it will be found that this person has experienced a loss or a disappointment somewhere in a past relationship and is now believing that it is how everyone will treat them in relationship.
If you are with someone who is acting jealously in your relationship, the first thing you can do to help you is to and remind them that you love them. Tell them how you feel and ask them how they feel. In other words, keep the communication channels open while not getting into a defensive or aggressive position.
And if you are the one who is jealous keep in mind that your partner loves you or they wouldn’t be there at all. You must have trust in them if you want to encourage a good relationship.
Most importantly don’t allow past experiences to flavor your present relationship. And if you need to get some professional help to guide you through.
Maybe the last word here should be given to Shakespeare who, it is believed, was the first to coin the term in his play “The Merchant of Venice”, in 1596, and who through his character, Portia, offers some good advice:
How all the other passions fleet to air,
As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair,
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love,
Be moderate; allay thy ecstasy,
In measure rein thy joy; scant this excess.
I feel too much thy blessing: make it less,
For fear I surfeit.
So until next time – Relate with Love