Betrayed By A Fiancé/Fiancée?
I receive many emails asking about the meaning of affairs and what to do when you catch someone out. This question is one that comes up regularly both in my rooms as well as via email. In this post I will try and put my thoughts down about what I understand about affairs when they happen and what you can do about them.
Let me first define what an affair is and what an affair is not. For me, and you may agree or not, an affair is when someone creates a relationship with another person, with or without sex, in which that other person becomes the centre of their attention at the expense of their partner.
An affair is not a “one-night stand” where someone gets carried away in the moment and has a sexual encounter with someone outside of the marriage/relationship. Both, however, may be considered equally a betrayal and unforgivable to the other party in the relationship.
When someone has been caught out in any kind of unfaithfulness some of you have simply decided to walk away and others have decided to forgive and move on. There is no right or wrong way to respond to this. It is up to each of you to decide how significant the indiscretion is to you and decide on how you yourself should best react.
Often the actual decision made is more likely based on your personal value system. For some of you, when someone betrays you, it feels like the worst thing that they can do and there is no room for stepping away from the hurt or the loss of trust. For others of you there is such a strong value in your love and commitment that you will find a way to forgive even this most unforgivable of betrayals.
In either situation it seems to come down to which value is the strongest – the value around love and commitment or the value around fidelity.
When someone has been unfaithful it is worth pausing for a moment to take a look at why they may have done it before deciding what the best course of action is.
Reasons for being unfaithful may include:
- Fear of committing to one person at the exclusion of all others
- The behaviour was modelled by a parent or someone close to the person
- Curiosity, especially for the inexperienced, of what sex might be like with someone else
- Boredom in the current relationship
- An escape from reality into fantasy
- A lack of, or insufficient, intimacy in their marriage or relationship
- A way to experiment with sex that might not be welcome in their marriage
- A spontaneous response to the moment with or without alcohol or other drugs present
- A way to exhibit a position of power over another person
- An escape from an otherwise tedious or unfulfilling life
Once you have ascertained what might be behind the betrayal then you can make the best decision about what to do about it. You may ultimately decide it is totally the responsibility of the wrongdoer or you may decide that you have to take some responsibility for what has happened as well and change some of your own behaviours.
My belief about this is that when two people truly love each other and are totally committed to their partner then unfaithfulness simply does not have a place. Instead when there are issues they will talk them through until they get a resolution.
And a word of advice: if you ever find yourself in a situation where there has been an infidelity, I would really encourage you to seek professional counselling before making any decisions you may come to regret.
So until next time – Relate with Love