Tag Archive | relationships

Is It Possible to Make an Affair Work for You?

Jun24

Is It Possible to Make an Affair Work for You

One of the most hurtful events of a relationship is when someone is discovered having an affair.

Generally one of three things happens when someone discovers that their spouse has been cheating on them.

  1. The affair is ignored. This may mean that the affair continues but nothing changes in the relationship. This is often because the party being cheated on just doesn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ for fear of what might come of it.
  2. The relationship ends. Sometimes one or other of the couple decides that they can no longer be in the relationship and so the relationship ends.
  3. Ideally the affair stops. The old relationship discontinues and a new relationship begins.

Whether the relationship ends or not, some serious losses will be experienced. Losses can be physical or symbolic and may include:

  • Loss of trust
  • Loss of security
  • Loss of hope/dreams
  • Loss of faith
  • Loss of intimacy and affection
  • Loss of self-esteem

Sometimes it is these losses, over and above the affair, that pulls the couple apart and sounds the death knell for continuing the relationship.

If the third option is the case the challenge then is for the non-offending spouse to overcome these losses and find trust again for the other person. This is probably the biggest hurdle to overcome.

The Way Forward

The way forward then is to take the time with your spouse to talk about all these issues and to realign them with a new way of being.  More than anything for a relationship to make it through there needs to be forgiveness: forgiveness of each spouse of themselves and of each other for the part they played in the affair.

And yes, as hard it sounds, even the non-offending spouse might need to look at their part in causing the affair. In saying this I don’t mean to imply that the offending party should be absolved of what they have done. They must take full responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused but, as I’ve said before, the reason this affair has happened is because there was something amiss in the relationship to start with. For this both spouses need to assume responsibility.

To help you both along the way it might be useful to start a journal. Express all your thoughts and feelings in this journal; the good, the bad and the downright ugly. And besides making the time to talk about what happened there might also need to be some new, if only temporary, rules put into place regarding letting each other know where you are and what you’re doing and how long that will be. This can be the only way forward if trust is going to be re-established.

And by the way the spouse who decides the ultimate outcome of the affair will be the non-offending spouse not the one who cheated. Your role is to just grin and bear it, as this is the consequence of having erred. If there is enough love and a renewed commitment and trust you will find a way to reconnect. For both of you don’t be in a hurry. It will take as long as it takes.

Sometimes all this might seem too hard to do on your own and you might need some professional help. Take that help even if you don’t yet know what you should do now that the affair has been exposed. Counselling will help you find your way through the mess to then be able to make a clear decision to either leave the relationship or to recommit. It’s only as you come to make this decision that you can start to move forward.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

How to Tell If Your Spouse is Cheating?

Jun10

Cheating happens in so many ways. When we first think about what cheating is we tend to think about spouses having sex outside of the relationship but it happens in many other ways as well. With this in mind be aware also that what is defined as cheating to one person might not be for someone else.

A recent magazine asked readers to define an extra-marital affair, with this result:

  • 21%

    thinking about an involvement

  • 21%

    dinner and drinks

  • 24%

    kissing and petting

  • 26%

    sexual intercourse

  • 8%

    not sure

And some people even define it as chatting on the internet or phone messaging with people of the opposite sex or using porn without the partner’s consent or inclusion.

How do you define cheating? And how do you know if your spouse is doing it?

Here are three tell-tale signs to look out for:

  1. 1.

    When your spouse suddenly takes extra special care in their dress or personal appearance or suddenly adopts a whole new style in clothing or hair.

  2. 2.

    When your spouse suddenly starts staying back at work late into the night saying they are doing extra work.

  3. 3.

    When your spouse spends longer hours on the computer and/or phone and doesn’t want you to ask questions about or see what s/he is doing.

NB Be mindful that there may be perfectly legitimate reasons for all of these behaviors so be careful jumping to conclusions.

And by the way cheating is not necessarily a death knell for the relationship.

There are many reasons people cheat. The most important one though is that something is not working in the relationship that really needs looking at. This does not necessarily mean that you do not love each other anymore. What it means is that someone in the relationship is just not getting some of there needs met. This might be sexually or in friendship or in satisfying a need for some excitement in their lives.

Here is the short answer to overcoming an affair.

If you have caught your partner out there is obviously some decisions to be made regarding whether you should abandon the relationship or whether you can both recover from this error. That will be decided by many things the most important of which is your capacity to forgive your partner, and maybe even yourself, for allowing the affair to happen.

If you are the one having the affair, by the way, it’s sometimes wiser to not tell but to recommit and make amends as best you can. While it is said that honesty must be at the base of all relationships there are some things that may be best left unsaid. On deciding you have made a mistake, the most important thing is to acknowledge that to yourself and to do whatever needs to be done to get this relationship back on track. If you then decide to tell your partner have a good reason for doing so which is not based on your need to free yourself of guilt.

If you are in a relationship where you think there might be cheating talk about it. This may not be best introduced with a question about whether the other person is actually having an affair, but from the perspective of sharing your thoughts and values on the topic so your partner has an opportunity to respond. In this way they are not left with any doubt as to what you think and feel about the possibility of s/he having an affair. It just may give him/her a chance to change their behavior without having to put your whole relationship on the line. Remember s/he may not have the same definition of cheating as you do.

I’ll address this in more detail in my next blog post.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Are You Thinking About Separation or Divorce?

Jun9

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the free presentation please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the free presentation”.

 

Are You Thinking About Separation or Divorce?

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.

What to Do When They Love Their Ex More Than You

May27

What to Do When They Love Their Ex More Than YouWhen I was 17 years old I met and fell in love with a man who became my prince. I thought it would last forever. We were soul mates and we shared everything together. This lasted for about eighteen months when we had our first big blow up. This also happened at a time when I needed to make some decisions about my future studies and where I wanted to live. The wants of each of us became devastatingly incompatible and we parted company.

Thoughts of him stayed with me for a long while as I then continued on with my life and fell in love with someone else who ultimately became my husband. Even now, nearly forty years later, I remember my first love with fondness and know that, despite what we had, it could never have been more than a high school fling though a great one at that.

Really there is nothing that will ever be the same as a first love. The feelings in your body and mind are intense coming from a place of innocence and naiveté. It’s like the first time you do anything exciting, like going on a roller coaster ride for the first time. It’s exhilarating and scary and irresistibly draws you into making you want to experience the ride again and again until you’re exhausted.

Of course this feeling cannot last as you must come back to reality. This sometimes happens with a resounding thud as you come to understand that you are actually not well-matched or your wants from life is not the same. Sometimes you just come to realize that you don’t really like this person anyway or they really don’t like you.

Then it’s all over! You are left to pick up the pieces of your life and move on. The reality is though that most often this happens for one or other of you first. The result being that while one of you has decided to move on the other hasn’t got to that stage yet.

This is where the other of you is left with some unanswered questions and consequently what we call in the industry ‘unfinished business’. This most often comprises the need to grieve the loss as well as to get some answers to the most obvious question ‘is this about you or me?’

For anyone going through this distress generally the first reaction is to try to avoid it. And how do you do that? You quickly distract yourselves with a new love. Often the outcome of this is, once the initial attraction has somewhat waned, to once again feel the sadness of the previous loss. This may be recognized by you, or your partner, as a belief that there is still love for that person, the Ex.

So how do you get past this? If you’re the one feeling like you can’t get over a lost love you need to remind yourself of the reality of the situation and focus on what is now possible for your future.

If you’re the one with a partner struggling with this know that this is their struggle and they are the one who needs to do the work. This is not about who you are or what you do. There is consequently not a lot you can do in this case except to be as supportive and as loving as you can be. This will then be his/her reminder of what s/he really does have to be thankful for in his/her life now.

If both of these options seem like too big it might be time to seek some counselling with someone who can work with each of you separately or with the two of you together to find a resolution.

For more on this topic see my articles on the stages of relationship. You’ll find them in blog posts already written as well as in my book “Relationships – A Couple’s Journey”.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

How to Forgive the Unforgivable

May20

Forgive the Unforgivable

Has your partner made an error that has hurt you? Have you made errors that have hurt your partner?

The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to ‘step on their toes’. And being in a relationship with someone certainly puts you where this is fairly likely to happen. Relationships are a bit like ballroom dancing really! The chances are even pretty high that you and your partner could have pretty sore toes.

The point here is that it’s normal for you and your partner to make mistakes and to inadvertently step on each others toes. And as long as this is not intentional it is repairable. Like ballroom dancing, once you get the steps right the dance will flow naturally all by itself.

And, except in the case of physical abuse, (I addressed that in my blog of a couple of weeks ago) you can move on from anything. In fact, your marriage can end up even better!

I know…you’re probably thinking, ‘Better? How could it be better than before we messed it up?’

It can be better, but you have to do one thing first. You have to forgive.

What does it really mean to forgive?

Many people say, ‘I forgive you’, but continue to hold anger and resentment in their hearts. Some people even say the words, but their actions show that nothing’s changed for them at all.

Other people will say ‘I forgive you’ but what they really mean is, ‘I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.’ And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their partner. True, they may not be angry any more, but that’s because they’ve shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect.

Saying ‘I forgive you!’ is an entirely different ball game from truly forgiving.

Let’s take a closer look at the word and where it comes from. The root of the word ‘forgive’ is the Latin word ‘perdonare’ meaning: ‘to give completely without reservation’. This is also the source of our English ‘pardon’.

When the Latin ‘perdonare’ was adopted into the Germanic ancestor of English, it was translated piece-by-piece: ‘Per’ was replaced by ‘for’, a prefix that in this case means ‘thoroughly’ and ‘donare’ with ‘giefan’ (to give). The result, ‘forgiefan’, appeared in Old English meaning ‘to give up’ or ‘allow’ as well as ‘to give in marriage’.

In modern English, ‘forgive’ has also taken on the meanings of ‘to pardon for an offence’, ‘renounce anger at’ (I truly forgive you for stepping on my toes) and ‘to abandon a claim on’ (as in ‘forgive a debt’).

What then is true forgiveness? It’s when you stand as close to your partner as you stood the day your feet got stepped on. It’s when you give of yourself like you did before you were hurt.

Forgiveness might also need to be of self as well as of the other. That might sound surprising but for your partner to have stepped on your toes your toes needed to have been there to be stepped on. As the old adage says: ‘It takes two to tango!’

And, by the way, forgiveness may not be easy to do. But it is possible. You can forgive each other and move on.

And once you forgive, you’ll see that your marriage can be better than it was before.
You could even be happy that the mistake was made (in a strange way) because it allows you to realize that you might never have achieved the love you finally have without that error as your catalyst.

Did you know that when a broken bone heals it’s stronger than it was before it was broken? You too can be stronger than before things broke down between you.

Did you ever make love after a big fight? Did you ever think after you made-up, ‘Hey, this is great? We should fight more often.’ Sometimes, while not an excuse to fight, the highest-highs can follow the lowest-lows. This is because in the forgiving you have come to an even more intimate place with each other.

If you are holding onto old hurts maybe it’s time for you to forgive. Give it a go it can be so liberating for you personally as well as for you as a couple.

And if you need help with this check out the ‘Quizzes and Questionnaires’ page at my site www.acouplesjourney.com. You will discover an exercise there to help you in finding forgiveness. Alternatively, if you need further assistance in this, please find a good Counselor. The effort will reap the reward.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Are You Relationship Prepared?

May15

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”.

 

Are You Relationship Prepared?

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.

To Commit or Not To Commit

May13

Men who are truly OK in their masculinity, find a woman, truly OK in her femininity, simply irresistible.

I met with a couple yesterday, let’s call them George and Sarah, (not their real names) who just seemed so typical of many young couples I meet these days.

George is a healthy young man who, now in his mid thirties, has had a lot of freedom in his life to pursue his own interests. These have often been around ‘boy’ things like cars and football, and much of his adult life has been around satisfying his wants for the moment without too much concern for the future. He has a great job and sufficient income to support a good life so, in his own mind, really wants for nothing.

Sarah is a healthy young woman who is in her late twenties; a career woman with a brilliant future, and, as well, with her sites very focused clearly on her future, not only in terms of career, but also in terms of relationship and possibly even a family.

Sarah and George have now been in a relationship for over a year and they came to see me because they are in a rut not seeming to be going anywhere. For him it’s about feeling that she is asking for more than he feels he can give right now. And for her it’s a desperate want to feel safe in this relationship with the knowledge that it really is going somewhere.

Maybe the real struggle here relates to commitment and even though it might seem that this may be more of an issue for him it might be for her as well.

Let me explain this. What I see when a couple presents with this sort of issue is maybe nothing more than good old-fashioned FEAR! So, I hear you say, I can see why he might be fearful, given that he is potentially being asked to give up some of his free and easy lifestyle, but how is that showing in her?

My thought on this is simply this: If someone needs to be constantly reassured by another to feel truly OK within themselves, then it may come from a lack of OK within themselves in the first place. The danger then is this; what it is you want most and fear not getting, because of a belief within yourself that you are not deserving of this thing, in this case being love and commitment, may actually create a ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ and indeed result in the loss of that thing after all.

Wow!!! Is that a head spinner or what? You might need to read that through several times to actually get what I’m saying.

And here’s my final thought on this topic of commitment. Some Fear, as long as it doesn’t hinder us to such an extent of inaction, can be a good thing really and, from my perspective, may be even a necessary part of the process of making a commitment to another in relationship.   If we really value ourselves and each other and make our relationships important enough then they deserve serious consideration before jumping in boots and all.

My advice for George and Sarah? Given that they seem to be well-matched, even though there are also many differences, for him my suggestion was to jump in and do whatever to let her know that, beside himself, she is the most important thing in his life. This means that he makes her even more important than his mates and his job and all the other things that might distract him from being truly present in this relationship.

And for her? Maybe she needs simply to come to believe that she is the best thing that has ever come into his life and trust that if she truly believes that and acts accordingly the validation she seeks will then naturally be there for her.

As the old saying goes: Sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway!

You may agree or disagree with what I have said here. Either way let me know how it strikes you by responding in the “Comments’ link at the bottom of this blog.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

Have You A Question About Relationships That You Really Want An Answer To?

May5

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.
If you would like to attend the free seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the free seminar”.

Have You A Question About Relationships That You Really Want An Answer To?

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Relationship Release – The Easiest Way to Leave Your Lover

Apr3

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.

Relationship Release – Is Your Relationship in Serious Trouble?

If you would like to attend the free presentation evening please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the free presentation evening”.

Relationship Release – The easiest way to leave your lover

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.

Relationship Recovery – Have You Recently Separated or Divorced?

Mar26

Click on the flyer to see it in full size.

Relationship Recovery – Have You Recently Separated or Divorced?

If you would like to attend the free seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the free seminar”.

Relationship Recovery - Have You Recently Separated or Divorced?

 

Some excerpts from my workshops.