Tag Archive | passion

So Now That We Are Married – Now What?

Married CoupleThis week’s blog could have many titles and hopefully will address many of the questions I get on the topic of ‘…so now that we are married – now what?’

Some of the questions relate to: ‘Keeping Love Alive’, ‘Holding on to the Spark’ or maybe related to the question: ‘How do we Sustain a Marriage after 10, 20 or 30+ Years?’ Sometimes the questions are just about ‘What to do from Becoming Bored’

There is so much I could say about this topic I scarcely know where to begin. The reason you become bored in relationships is that you think there is nothing more to learn about the other person or you lose the want to find out if there’s something still worthwhile knowing. In short, you become bored because you most often just don’t want to be bothered anymore.

When you first meet someone, and you don’t know them well enough yet to see the negative qualities they possess, you just want to get as much of them as you can. You want to be with them 24/7 to feel the good feelings you get just by being near them. You want to know there most personal thoughts, about everything, in your quest to prove to yourself that they really are the right person for you and so much so that they become perfect in your eyes.

And then one day you think you’ve got them figured out! From here then it’s a short step to it becoming all too much trouble.

And by the way this goes both ways – they think they’ve got you figured as well. So as you stop talking to them, they stop talking to you and you get into a stage of relationship that I call ‘Assuming your way into oblivion’.

There’s an old adage that says to ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. From there it’s a downhill slide into second guessing and taking the others needs and wants for granted.

The funny thing about this is that you unconsciously encourage this by your own expectation that if your partner truly understood you then they would know what you are thinking and thereby what you are wanting and/or needing and would somehow then just magically do it.

But guess what you aren’t a mind reader, most of us aren’t anyway, and as well as you think you might know your partner you really have no idea. You have not had his or her life experiences for one thing, you don’t process your thoughts in the same way as he or she does and therefore you will naturally respond to things differently.

So to get back to the topic at hand – if you’re not a mind reader then neither are they. The way forward then is to keep talking, stay curious and always check out what’s new for the other person. Share your thoughts and feelings with them as well and never give up.

I have met with couples that have issues that keep coming up for them. They might even have a brief conversation about it and, for a moment at least, it seems that things might change. But guess what? The issues just keep coming back again and again. And this is why: The real core of the issues were never fully understood in the first place and just as often by the person holding the issue as well as by the other trying to grapple with it.

So if you don’t get it for yourself then what hope has your partner got of getting it and consequently what hope have you got as a couple to really find a satisfactory and long-term resolution?

The answer is none.

You need to be friend to your partner as well as a lover. Never assume that you really do know what they mean when they say ‘… you know.’ The truth is if they don’t, you can’t either. Friends are interested about each others thoughts and feelings. They ask meaningful questions and listen actively to the responses. This consists of more than an ‘I understand’ and may actually require a statement about what you think you are actually hearing so that the other can confirm, or restate or expand, so that you can really get down to the truth about what they are actually saying to you.

In this way you can never get bored as there’ll always be something to talk about. And it won’t matter that you have been married for 30, 40 or even 50 years as there will always be something more to learn about that person that you’ve never known before. And just maybe there will be something to also learn about yourself.

To get you started on this quest check out the page on my website titled ‘quizzes and questionnaires’ and look for: ‘My life in 34 Questions’. Answer the questions for yourself and for your partner before sharing your answers. You might find out something you never knew before.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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10 Ways To Recharge Your Romance

Early in your relationship the romance factor is very high. The romance is seemingly effortless and it seems as though the romance will never fade. You may find, however, that over time the romance does fade and the relationship doesn’t seem as exciting as it did in the beginning. This is natural. As you become more familiar with each other you may make less of an effort in the romance. When this happens it is time to start making a conscious effort to recharge your romance.

  1. Recreating your first date can be one way to recharge your romance. Both of you probably put a tremendous amount of effort into your first date and it was probably an incredibly romantic night for both of you. Re-enacting this first date by not only returning to the place of that first date but also by putting the same effort into preparing for the date can help to recharge your romance by reminding you of how exciting your relationship was in the beginning.
  2. Leaving your work at the office is another way to recharge your romance. If you are constantly allowing your work life to interfere with your romantic life it is time to put your romance ahead of your career. While it is okay to talk to your partner about work and how your day went, obsessing over it can put out the fire in your romance very quickly.
  3. Giving your partner flowers or small gifts for no reason can also recharge your romance. This lets them know that you still think about them when the two of you are apart and that your love for them is always on your mind. The gifts don’t have to be expensive or extravagant but if they truly come from the heart they will help to recharge your romance.
  4. Another way to recharge your romance is to be spontaneous. Romance often fades when a relationship becomes routine and you begin to take each other for granted. Spicing things up by suggesting new activities on a whim can reintroduce the romance in your relationship. Too much planning and debate about what to do or where to go however can put a damper on the activity or trip before it even takes place. Excessive planning can make something seem dull while spontaneity has the opposite effect of making the activity seem more exciting. So maybe just hop into your car one weekend and just let the day take you somewhere.
  5. Spending time apart can also recharge a romance. It may sound counterproductive but having your own activities and interests keeps you from becoming bored with your partner. Spending time together is very important but spending time apart is equally important because this time apart gives you the chance to grow as an individual which in turn can enhance your relationship.
  6. Quality time together, just like time apart, can also help to recharge your romance. You need alone time as a couple to reconnect and nurture your romance. A night out on the town for just the two of you or a quiet night alone at home can be equally effective for recharging your romance. Without this time together a couple will not have the opportunity to express themselves to their partner in a romantic way.
  7. Incessant arguing can destroy the romance in a relationship. If you find that you and your partner are arguing constantly or over every little thing, it’s time to really assess the relationship and figure out why you are arguing so much. Believe it or not, you may find that this arguing is a subconscious attempt to try to recharge your romance.  Arguing invokes passion and you may be trying to bring that passion back into your relationship. Once you realize that there are other ways to recharge a romance your arguing will subside.
  8. Making a concerted effort to impress your partner can also recharge the romance in your relationship. As a relationship progresses there is often a sense of familiarity and comfort that emerges and results in you feeling as if you no longer need to try to impress your partner. You may begin to let your appearance go or stop going out of your way to please your partner. Reversing this by returning to your old ways of trying to impress your partner can go a long way in recharging romance in a relationship.
  9. Taking a trip together can also have the effect of recharging your romance. While planning a trip may be stressful most people relax and enjoy themselves once they reach their destination. Planning a trip with your partner will give each of you the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company without the worries and hassles of everyday life.
  10. Turning off the computer for a few days can be a really simple way to recharge your romance. Many couples use their computers often to check email, search the Internet or chat with others and this time spent on the computer can really add up and begin to take time away from your partner. Time can fly when you are computing and you may find that you have wasted an entire night on your computer. You may find that if you turn the computer off for a few days, you have a lot more time to spend with your partner and the romance may naturally return to your relationship.

It is natural for romance to begin to fade if you begin to take each other for granted and stop trying to impress.  Romance doesn’t exist on its own it needs to be nurtured in order to survive. Recharging your romance may seem like a daunting task but it really isn’t. Try it and see what it can do for your relationship.

So until next time – Relate with Love

10 Ways To Reawaken The Passion In Your Relationship

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion you may need to make a conscious effort to re-ignite the spark in your relationship and reawaken the passion.  Sometimes it may take elaborate plans and gestures to reawaken the passion in your relationship and sometimes it may just be small seemingly insignificant things that can help you.

  1. Planning a romantic weekend getaway can be one way to reawaken the passion.  A trip to a spa or a romantic destination can help to put the fire back into your relationship.  This type of trip gives a couple the opportunity to step away from your everyday life and spend some time focusing on romance.
  2. Treating your partner with respect can also be a simple way to reawaken passion.  Sometimes people get into the habit of taking your partner for granted while you continue to treat complete strangers and casual acquaintances with respect.  People tend to work harder on casual relationship than they do on their romantic relationship because they take their partner for granted.  Making an effort to impress your partner, however, can help to revive the passion.
  3. Doing something new and adventurous can also help to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  Try an activity that you have never done before such as skydiving or water skiing.  Participating in an adventurous sport can make you feel more alive and this will transcend into your relationship and may also be a great way to reawaken the passion.
  4. Holding hands is another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  This simple act draws you and your partner closer together.  Most couples hold hands all the time early in their relationship but as time goes by they begin to do so less and less often.  Grabbing your partners hand and holding on while you run errands can make your partner feel desired again and this will help put the passion back in your relationship.
  5. Another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship is to plan date nights.  Spend some time getting dressed up and plan a night out on the town.  Putting this level of effort into a dinner date makes it feel much more special and romantic plus it gives you a chance to let your partner know that you are still interested in spending time with them. No matter how busy your week is, plan to have at least one night a week where the two of you connect in a special way.  Even if it’s just some quiet time at home after the kids go to bed or even a family game night with the kids, it will give you time to bond.
  6. Taking care in your own appearance is still another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship.  If you feel good about yourself, you will be more appealing to your partner.  Spend a few extra minutes getting ready to go out and really pamper yourself.  This will give you a confidence boost that can help bring the passion back to your relationship.
  7. Complimenting your partner can also help to reawaken passion.  Noticing when your partner puts extra effort into their appearance lets them know that you still find them desirable and attractive.  Even complimenting them when they aren’t all dressed up, lets them know that you love them for who they are and not just their appearance.
  8. Even just planning trips that you would like to take in the future can reawaken passion.  Spend an afternoon thinking of trips you would like to take together and make a list of all the places you want to go and all the things you want to do.  This type of daydreaming draws a couple closer together and can revive passion. And who knows; just by writing out your wish list of places to go and things to do just might get you one step closer to making it real.
  9. Spending some quiet time together daily can be another way to reawaken passion.  Plan on having at least a few minutes alone with your partner each day to help put the spark back into your relationship.
  10. Taking a bath together can also help to reawaken passion in a relationship.  This is a very sensual activity that makes you both feel pampered and gives you the opportunity to reconnect on a physical level.  Beyond that it can also give you a chance to relax and unwind after a hard day of work as sometimes it’s the stresses of everyday life that are putting a damper on passion.

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion it doesn’t mean the relationship is over.  All of these examples are simple ways that a couple can reawaken the passion in their relationship.  As long as the love still exists, it is possible to bring back the passion.

So until next time – Relate with Love