Tag Archive | happy marriage

So Now That We Are Married – Now What?

Apr16

Married CoupleThis week’s blog could have many titles and hopefully will address many of the questions I get on the topic of ‘…so now that we are married – now what?’

Some of the questions relate to: ‘Keeping Love Alive’, ‘Holding on to the Spark’ or maybe related to the question: ‘How do we Sustain a Marriage after 10, 20 or 30+ Years?’ Sometimes the questions are just about ‘What to do from Becoming Bored’

There is so much I could say about this topic I scarcely know where to begin. The reason you become bored in relationships is that you think there is nothing more to learn about the other person or you lose the want to find out if there’s something still worthwhile knowing. In short, you become bored because you most often just don’t want to be bothered anymore.

When you first meet someone, and you don’t know them well enough yet to see the negative qualities they possess, you just want to get as much of them as you can. You want to be with them 24/7 to feel the good feelings you get just by being near them. You want to know there most personal thoughts, about everything, in your quest to prove to yourself that they really are the right person for you and so much so that they become perfect in your eyes.

And then one day you think you’ve got them figured out! From here then it’s a short step to it becoming all too much trouble.

And by the way this goes both ways – they think they’ve got you figured as well. So as you stop talking to them, they stop talking to you and you get into a stage of relationship that I call ‘Assuming your way into oblivion’.

There’s an old adage that says to ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. From there it’s a downhill slide into second guessing and taking the others needs and wants for granted.

The funny thing about this is that you unconsciously encourage this by your own expectation that if your partner truly understood you then they would know what you are thinking and thereby what you are wanting and/or needing and would somehow then just magically do it.

But guess what you aren’t a mind reader, most of us aren’t anyway, and as well as you think you might know your partner you really have no idea. You have not had his or her life experiences for one thing, you don’t process your thoughts in the same way as he or she does and therefore you will naturally respond to things differently.

So to get back to the topic at hand – if you’re not a mind reader then neither are they. The way forward then is to keep talking, stay curious and always check out what’s new for the other person. Share your thoughts and feelings with them as well and never give up.

I have met with couples that have issues that keep coming up for them. They might even have a brief conversation about it and, for a moment at least, it seems that things might change. But guess what? The issues just keep coming back again and again. And this is why: The real core of the issues were never fully understood in the first place and just as often by the person holding the issue as well as by the other trying to grapple with it.

So if you don’t get it for yourself then what hope has your partner got of getting it and consequently what hope have you got as a couple to really find a satisfactory and long-term resolution?

The answer is none.

You need to be friend to your partner as well as a lover. Never assume that you really do know what they mean when they say ‘… you know.’ The truth is if they don’t, you can’t either. Friends are interested about each others thoughts and feelings. They ask meaningful questions and listen actively to the responses. This consists of more than an ‘I understand’ and may actually require a statement about what you think you are actually hearing so that the other can confirm, or restate or expand, so that you can really get down to the truth about what they are actually saying to you.

In this way you can never get bored as there’ll always be something to talk about. And it won’t matter that you have been married for 30, 40 or even 50 years as there will always be something more to learn about that person that you’ve never known before. And just maybe there will be something to also learn about yourself.

To get you started on this quest check out the page on my website titled ‘quizzes and questionnaires’ and look for: ‘My life in 34 Questions’. Answer the questions for yourself and for your partner before sharing your answers. You might find out something you never knew before.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Relationship Remedy Signature jpeg

10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Jan31

Having a happy marriage doesn’t necessarily come easily just because you love each other.  While love is very important in a marriage sometimes it just isn’t enough and you have to work at your marriage just like any other relationship.

Marriage is a multi-faceted relationship that needs to be nurtured in all of its capacities in order to be successful.  Even the more mundane tasks such as household chores and paying the bills can factor into the well-being of your marriage.

1. Both of you in the marriage must be prepared to put your partner’s happiness ahead of your own from time to time for the marriage to truly work.  Sometimes this requires being willing to make sacrifices for each other for the good of the marriage. If either of you is completely self-centred and unwilling to make sacrifices it will likely create resentment in the marriage.

At times the sacrifices may be big but most often it’s the smaller things that matter most.  Even preparing a dish that you don’t like but that you know your spouse likes lets your partner know that you care and are willing to put their happiness first at times.

2. While making sacrifices is important in a happy marriage, it is also important to sometimes do things that are just for you.  It’s great to have a lot of common interests but it’s also essential to have some things that you enjoy doing on your own.

Having some separate activities gives you a little time away from your partner once in a while and gives you a chance to realize how much you miss them when you are apart.  It also gives you an opportunity to explore things on your own and prevents boredom in the relationship.

3. Another secret to a happy marriage is to maintain an intimate and affectionate relationship.  Sharing physical closeness will keep your marriage happy.  Even small gestures such as hugs or holding hands give you the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse on a daily basis.

4. Finances can cause a great deal of stress in a marriage so it is important to do your best to ensure that you do not allow your financial situation to come between you.

When financial concerns arise it is important to discuss the problems so that both of you are aware of what is going on and to work on establishing a budget together.  Working together on this issue will make sure that neither of you feels left out of the decision making process and neither of you bears the stress of worrying about finances on your own.

5. Sharing household chores is another secret to a happy marriage.  If either of you feels as though you are taking on too much responsibility in the household it can lead to resentment.

Not only does sharing these responsibilities prevent resentment but it also gives you an opportunity to work as a team which strengthens your bond.  Both of you need to take an active role in completing household chores and letting your partner know if you are beginning to feel overburdened so some new decisions can be made.

6. It’s also important that you let your partner know if they have said or done something to hurt you.  Failure to do so will allow the problem to continue which may in turn cause further problems.

If you bottle up your feelings your partner will be unaware of what they have done and may be likely to repeat their actions.  You also may begin to avoid your partner because you are angry and you don’t want to start a confrontation.  Your partner in turn may sense you behaving differently and be annoyed by your behaviour.

7. Understanding that you and your partner won’t always be in complete agreement is also critical to a happy marriage.  While you may agree on a lot of things it’s unrealistic to believe that you and your partner will be in sync at all times.  It’s okay to disagree sometimes as long as you respect each other’s feelings and beliefs and do not think that any one disagreement will be the end of the relationship.

8. Spontaneity is also an important part of a happy marriage.  Allowing yourselves to fall into a predictable pattern can lead to boredom but being spontaneous at times will prevent boredom from setting in and keep the relationship interesting.

9. Maybe most important of all the skills in marriage is open communication. Without communication the relationship will continually struggle.

It’s important to be honest with your partner and share your concern and to listen to what your partner has to say while making an effort to understand their point of view before responding.

Communicating about problems and concerns is important but it’s also important to communicate about your daily lives and even your aspirations for your personal future.

10. Finally, remembering why you married your partner is one of the most important secrets of a happy marriage.  Always keep in mind what it is about your partner that drew you to them in the first place will make certain that you never forget your love for your partner.  It will also ensure that they are always beautiful in your eyes.

Many things may change throughout the course of your marriage but the one thing that will always remain is the reason you fell in love in the first place.
A happy marriage is not guaranteed no matter how much you each love each other.  There are so many variables that can have an effect on the happiness and success of the marriage.  However it is important that both of you realize that you must continuously work on all of these aspects if you want your marriage to remain a happy and healthy one.

So until next time – Relate with Love