Tag Archive | communication in relationships

How come the sex is great but we don’t know how to talk to each other?

Aug27
Rosie

Good Sex and good communication are possibly two of the most critical components in determining whether a marriage or a relationship is a happy one. And maybe, along with love, is what makes a relationship strong enough to make the distance.

If your relationship lacks any of these three components, you definitely need to do some serious thinking, or you will very likely lose it. So a relationship with only love and sex without communication is as much at risk as love and communication is without sex or sex and communication is without love.

For this article I’m going to only address love and sex without communication as it is the one that seems to come up most often.

Reasons for Not Talking

There can be many reasons that you do not talk with your partner. It may be that when both of you work, you do not really have time to talk. You also have less time for each other and therefore for your relationship.

If this is how it is for you, you will need to consider the impact that this will have on your relationship and consider whether this is really to your advantage long-term. Of course sometimes the situation you find yourselves is unavoidable because of your families needs or because you have jobs that require shift work or your jobs take you away from your families. In these situations you need then to consider very carefully whether the price of holding such positions long-term is worth it especially if the price is the loss of your relationship and maybe your family.

Now you really will need to have a conversation to figure out what you could do to ensure that your work commitments do not impose so heavily on your relationship.

Sometimes you can’t change the circumstances but maybe, with a little imagination, you can make the most of what you’ve got. At these times you really need to get creative. One simple resolution could be for you to make other time to get together. Maybe this could be a lunchtime outing, even if it’s only a short break. Maybe you can both plan to take some time off together and go to breakfast or maybe a restaurant for dinner to create for you some quality time. Some real talk time.

Radical Differences

If finding the time isn’t the issue, then the reason might be more about something to do with the existence of radical differences between you. Maybe your thinking is also quite different from each other and whenever you talk, you end up arguing about something or maybe you just don’t feel you have anything interesting to contribute to a conversation with each other.

Then there are those people, who are just very shy or introverted. They do not share much of their life with anyone including their partners. If this sounds like your partner, you need to arouse in them the desire to speak, by talking about things they like. If this sounds like you then you need to find something in your life that you can get excited enough about to want to share the experience with your partner. This means for you to be involved in whatever it might be away from your partner which then gives you something to share when you come back together again.

Above all it’s important to know that communicating effectively is a skill. It is not there at our birth. It is learned initially from our parents who demonstrate the skills of their own communication styles in the way they addressed you and other family members when you were young. From these experiences come your beliefs about yourself and your right to a voice and to the expression of that voice.

So start in small ways. Maybe turn the TV off for a while and read to each other, a book or even the newspaper to give you some topics to begin to talk about. Then you might find it easier to speak about yourselves and what is important to you.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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What To Do When They Love Their Ex More Than You?

Apr30

The ExWhen I was 17 years old I met and fell in love with a man who became my prince. I thought it would last forever. We were soul mates and we shared everything together. This lasted for about eighteen months when we had our first big blow up. This also happened at a time when I needed to make some decisions about my future studies and where I wanted to live. The wants of each of us became devastatingly incompatible and we parted company.

Thoughts of him stayed with me for a long while as I then continued on with my life and fell in love with someone else who ultimately became my husband. Even now, nearly forty years later, I remember my first love with fondness and know that, despite what we had, it could never have been more than a high school fling though a great one at that.

Really there is nothing that will ever be the same as a first love. The feelings in your body and mind are intense coming from a place of innocence and naiveté. It’s like the first time you do anything exciting, like going on a roller coaster ride for the first time. It’s exhilarating and scary and irresistibly draws you into making you want to experience the ride again and again until you’re exhausted.

Of course this feeling cannot last as you must come back to reality. This sometimes happens with a resounding thud as you come to understand that you are actually not well-matched or your wants from life is not the same. Sometimes you just come to realize that you don’t really like this person anyway or they really don’t like you.

Then it’s all over! You are left to pick up the pieces of your life and move on. The reality is though that most often this happens for one or other of you first. The result being that while one of you has decided to move on the other hasn’t got to that stage yet.

This is where the other of you is left with some unanswered questions and consequently what we call in the industry ‘unfinished business’. This most often comprises the need to grieve the loss as well as to get some answers to the most obvious question ‘is this about you or me?’

For anyone going through this distress generally the first reaction is to try to avoid it. And how do you do that? You quickly distract yourselves with a new love. Often the outcome of this is, once the initial attraction has somewhat waned, to feel once again the sadness of the previous loss. This may be recognized by you, or your partner, as a belief that there is still love for that person, the Ex.

So how do you get past this? If you’re the one feeling like you can’t get over a lost love you need to remind yourself of the reality of the situation and focus on what is now possible for your future.

If you’re the one with a partner struggling with this know that this is their struggle and they are the one who needs to do the work. This is not about who you are or what you do. There is consequently not a lot you can do in this case except to be as supportive and as loving as you can be. This will then be his/her reminder of what s/he really does have to be thankful for in his/her life now.

If both of these options seem like too big it might be time to seek some counselling with someone who can work with each of you separately or with the two of you together to find a resolution.

So until next time – Relate with Love

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How to Say “No” and Mean It

Mar13

It may be hard enough to say “no” to a request but really meaning it can be even harder.  Many of us are already perpetual “rescuers” who find themselves challenged to even considering answering “no” to a request.  Those of us who are able to say no, at least initially, often end up giving in and conceding to the request because the one in need was able to see that our answer wasn’t firm and persisted until we gave up and  surrendered to their request.

A few tips for how to say “no” and mean it include using a firm voice and not offering apologies for your answer, offering a valid reason for your refusal and consistently answering no if the request is repeated.

A firm and determined tone in your voice is the first step to being able to really say no and mean it.  If you allow your tone to be light the person making the request of you will probably sense that your refusal is not firm.  If your voice does not sound definitive, the other person may make the assumption that your answer is not definitive either and will take another opportunity to repeat their request either immediately or at another time.

A firm voice however, makes it clear that you are not interested in answering “yes” to this request and that future attempts to get you to acquiesce will be futile.  The tone of voice you use is important when saying “no” because it conveys the message that you really mean “no”.

It is also important to not offer an apology when you say “no”.  Doing so may lead the person making the request to believe that you don’t really mean “no”.  While it is acceptable to say that you are sorry you won’t be able to help out, offering your apology simply for saying “no” is not necessary.

If you apologize for your answer, the person making the request will sense that you can be convinced to change your answer.  Apologizing for a refusal might convey a sense of guilt and many people will prey on that vulnerability to get you to change your mind.

Another way to convey the message when you say “no” is to offer a valid reason for your refusal.  This is extremely effective because it lets the person no that your refusal is not based on whim and that you truly have a legitimate reason for not being able to offer your assistance.

You may be too busy to help or have other previous commitments and it is acceptable to offer these reasons to justify your refusal.  If the person making the request understands that you would like to help them but that it’s simply not possible, they will be less likely to repeat their request.  Offering valid reason for answering “no” to a request proves that you really mean “no” and that future attempts to get you to agree are not reasonable.

Saying “no” to a request initially sometimes is not enough to prove that you really mean “no”.  While you may answer firmly and without apology and offer valid reasons for your refusal, there are some persistent people who may continue to repeat their request in the hope of receiving a positive answer.  In this scenario it is imperative that you be consistent and answer “no” every time the request is made.

In doing this you will affirm that your answer is “no”.  A lack of consistency may result in the other person realizing that you can be worn down over time and that if they continue to repeat their request they will eventually get the answer they are seeking from you.

Saying “no” can be incredibly difficult but really meaning “no” and being firm in your answer can be even harder. Having the skill however and using it as appropriate can also be a very empowering skill. Try it and see for yourself.

 So until next time – Relate with Love

Communication Breakdown

Jan3

One of the most fundamental elements in any relationship is communication and when communication breaks down its vital that you find out the cause of the breakdown so that you can fix the problem before it permanently damages the relationship.

Communication can break down in a relationship for a variety of reasons. But whether it is the birth of a baby, financial strains or distrust of the other in the relationship it invariably comes down to either lack of time or lack of skills that is the real source of communication failing.

When a new baby arrives tiredness and time constraints while parents are busy with baby naturally put a strain on a relationship. Often it is the case where one of the couple stays home to care for the baby while the other continues to go to work. So not just are there sleepless nights to contend with but changing roles and social and financial pressures as well.

Struggling with financial issues can be extremely stressful for either one or both partners in a relationship.  If one partner typically handles the finances in a relationship they may not wish to worry their partner so they may struggle internally with the financial concerns.

While this is a noble gesture, it can also cause a communication breakdown in the relationship.  The one partner may feel that this is a burden they need to bear on their own and therefore avoid talking about the subject with their partner.  The problem with this is that in trying to avoid conversations regarding finances they may end up avoiding conversations all together.

For example, a conversation about where to go out to dinner may be avoided because thinking about spending too much money on leisure activities causes too much anxiety on one of the partners.  The partner who is unaware of the financial concerns may be offended by their partner’s avoidance of a simple conversation.

Regardless of the cause of the communication breakdown, it is vital to the health of the relationship to reopen the lines of communication. 

One way to avoid or reverse having a communication breakdown over changing roles or finances is to share the responsibility and openly discuss concerns over parenting or financial matters.  Doing this will ensure that neither partner becomes consumed by that responsibility thus preventing it from affecting the relationship.

Changing roles  and financial concerns can induce enough stress to destroy even the most secure relationships but planning ahead and speaking openly can help a couple avoid a communication breakdown.

Distrust is another factor that can affect communication in a relationship.  If one of the partners has a reason to be suspicious of the other it creates a distrust that directly affects communication.

Also, if one person has a reason to feel guilty in a relationship, it may result in a breakdown in communication.  This lack of trust or guilt may result in the couple not wanting to communicate either because they don’t want to have their suspicions confirmed or because they don’t want their secret to be revealed.

These feelings of suspicion or guilt may lead to strained conversations that are purposefully not very meaningful.

One way to avoid a breakdown in communication in this situation is to always be upfront with your partner.  Whether it’s suspicion or guilt that is driving your fear of communication, being honest with your partner will alleviate your fears and reopen the lines of communication.  You run the risk of having your suspicions confirmed but it’s better to be sure than to destroy your relationship while doubt remains.

Since open and honest communication is critical to a healthy relationship, it’s important to understand why communication breaks down and to work towards repairing that.

Simply put: Maintaining or restoring an open and honest communication link can ensure that a relationship not only endures but thrives.

So until next time – Relate with Love